Day 7 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

1 Sep

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission?

How do you feel about it?

Yes, i do accept and expect discipline and punishment ~ although there’s been little of that from Sir.

i don’t know how i feel about it.  The idea turns me on ~ i know, real punishment isn’t supposed to be a turn-on, but i don’t think i’ve really experienced real punishment with my Sir.  i guess ~ i can’t imagine what He’d punish me for.

Not that i’m the perfect submissive.  For sure, i’m not.  Well, depending on what your definition of “perfect submissive” is, but still.  Pretty sure i’m not.

And it’s not exactly that i never deserve punishment, because i sure did for not practicing my positions and there’s probably other stuff too.  But ~~

punishment is actually the least effective behavior change tool, we know this from child psychology. 

i know, i know, kids have to be punished, of course it works, blah, blah, blah.  But you know, not really.  If you’re training somebody and looking at behavioral psychology, punishment is probably the least effective tool.  

Skinner, the creator of behaviorism believed that:

“… positive reinforcement is superior to punishment in altering behavior. He maintained that punishment was not simply the opposite of positive reinforcement; positive reinforcement results in lasting behavioral modification, whereas punishment changes behavior only temporarily and presents many detrimental side effects.”  [2]

Positive and negative consequences is probably a better way to look at training, but i digress.

And you will all say that knowing you’ve let your Master down is a punishment all by itself, right?  i believe that punishment in a BDSM context has a different purpose and meaning than actually changing behavior.   i’ve talked about this before ~

~ often, i think punishment is a symbolic way to make amends of some sort for something that we’ve done wrong or that has displeased our Sir.    Punishment puts an end to feeling guilty for the transgression, and allows us to feel forgiven.

That’s my thoughts.

That’s what turns me on, i think.

It will be interesting to see if  punishment becomes more predominant in our relationship or not.  i think not.  But who knows?

On a whole other note, Sin mentioned that she’d noticed that i no longer post before the crack of dawn first thing in the morning every day.    {Not in those exact words…}  She said she wasn’t complaining, just noticing.

That reflects some life changes for me. 

My work schedule is different now that i’m working on my own.  And my night life schedule is different now that Sir and i are living together.

You know, i used to go to bed between 9 and 10 most nights.  i’d be up by 4 or 4:30 in the morning, and start blogging.  i’d exercise, do Facebook, and some other stuff, all before i left for work, but blogging was top priority.

When i was in Very-Far-Away, i started doing some blogging on my vanilla blog, and there’s another vanilla blog that i write for sometimes, so that’s taken up some of my mornings.  But more than that, Sir keeps me up at night.  

He doesn’t say, “you have to stay up at night with me.”  But we’ll be hanging out talking, or on-line side by side, or doing other stuff, and time goes by, and next thing i know it’s 11:00.  11:30 sometimes.

Sometimes, even later.

i know.  Shocking, isn’t it?

So the next morning ~ it’s 5 or 5:30 before i get up.  And that first hour, hour and a half of blogging time ~ gone.

So today, here i am, after 7:30 p.m.   Is it even worth posting now, or should i save this and post it tomorrow?   Nah.  Posting now...

One of the things i’m trying to do also is to let go of some of my compulsiveness.  To be able to post when i have something to say and it works with my schedule rather than it being a wee bit obsessive…

But here’s the thing.  All of these changes are leading me in new directions that will also impact my relationship and my submission.  Lots of things to think about and work on.  So i’ll be around for sure.

11 Responses to “Day 7 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission”

  1. sin September 1, 2012 at 9:32 pm #

    of course it’s worth posting now – and to reinforce that behaviour I’ll comment. 🙂

    My relationship with my Dom involves (involved?) punishment fairly regularly. Now that there’s so much less of us, it happens less often. He probably cuts me some slack where he wouldn’t have before. Not sure.


    • aisha September 2, 2012 at 6:16 am #

      Thanks, Sin! Comments are a huge reinforcer for me, so i really appreciate it!!

      You know, my impression is that punishment has been an important part of Big Bad’s dynamic. He makes my Sir look like a pushover, i think. But it’s just a different way of expressing Dominance, isn’t it?

      It would be interesting {for me} to have a conversation sometimes about how that works for you, psychologically speaking, but probably not out here in blog land. Email me if you’re interested in poking around at this a bit.

      Thanks for the reinforcer!!



  2. jadescastle September 2, 2012 at 9:33 am #

    @ Sin….you almost made me spit coffee at my laptop that was so funny.

    Aisha, feel free to blame Catholicism for the punishment-as-guilt-remover-stuff. i do. 😛
    i think it makes sense to incorporate punishment if its needed but to be clear about what is going on. i think i have relied less on myself to make changes than on the other person to be on top of what i’m doing all the time when i was in more punishment-based dynamics. i don’t know if that makes sense or not.

    While there is sure as hell things She would have been more than justified in punishing me for….choosing to not do it has kept it at the front of my mind in a different way. i feel more responsible for making sure it doesn’t happen b/c i know if it does i’ve directly caused it and its gonna be *really* *really* *bad*.

  3. jadescastle September 2, 2012 at 9:38 am #

    i suppose i should be more clear. When i was dealing with a situation that i was being punished for mild things (touching the car door, for example) several times a week…..the impetus was not on me to create change in myself in the same way. There were times i felt more like….well, (shrug), it was going to happen anyhow…might as well get it out of the way. That doesn’t sound like the inner dialouge of a person who feels remorse.

    Now, there are times i feel sick with remorse and that is hard when i’m not being punished as a way to manage that. i can get stuck in it. i think that won’t ever really change for me (thanks Catholicism). 🙂

    • aisha September 2, 2012 at 11:19 am #

      Dear Jade,

      You were punished for touching the car door? Good grief. That doesn’t sound helpful.

      What i think you’re saying though highlights some of the problems with punishment. The tendency to see responsiblity for you behavior as outside yourself. The desire to avoid punishment rather than developing one’s own ~ self, I guess. Yeah. i think you describe it exactly.

      As for blaming Catholicism for the “punish me so I don’t feel guilty,” much as i like that idea, i always figure that Catholicism took an innate tendency in people and used it to their advantage… but i guess it works the other way too. 🙂

      Interesting reflections – thanks!


  4. Wordwytch September 4, 2012 at 2:31 pm #

    This is another post where I find myself nodding and agreeing with things. Yes, there is something sexy about being spanked. There is also relief in taking a punishment that we understand. Most of all, it is trust.

    • Ana September 6, 2012 at 11:29 pm #

      Punishment is a super-tricky tool. It brings out resentment, sneakiness, and all of those things we learned in psychology. As the only tool and a repeated tool, it’s not super effective.

      But within a disciplinary relationship, punishment can be used in a very specific way to achieve very specific goals.

      The other benefit to using punishment is that it clarifies and underscores the types of discipline that happens as simply part of the relationship, not because the person being disciplined did anything wrong.

      Plus, the feeling of being punished and forgiven and set free is unparalleled.

      • Wordwytch September 7, 2012 at 12:33 am #

        Some very good points. Punishment does have to be for all the right reasons.

      • aisha September 7, 2012 at 2:09 pm #

        Hi, Ana,

        Hmmm, interesting thoughts. i think i agree – that punishment can be used in specific ways for specific goals, and that it
        “clarifies and underscores the types of discipline that happens as simply part of the relationship, not because the person being disciplined did anything wrong.”

        i have to think more about it too, because i think there’s more than just surface truth in those words.

        And YES. The relief of forgiveness is amazing.

        Thanks for commenting!


    • aisha September 7, 2012 at 2:06 pm #

      Hi, Wordwytch,

      It’s really that simple, isn’t it? Trust, relief, and sex. A great package.


      • Wordwytch September 9, 2012 at 2:27 am #

        Oh yes!!!!

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