Day 8 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

2 Sep

 Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Yes, spanking sure is!!  Not really as “corporal punishment” though.

It’s a sexual thing for me, it turns me on.  i like ~ hmmmm ~ everything about it!

i like being told i’m going to get spanked, i like getting in position to be spanked.  i like when He pulls my panties down around my knees, i like having to get naked for it.  i like it when i’m tied to the door, or bent over the bed, or on a spanking bench.

i like it with His hand, the flogger, or canes.  i like the wooden spoon, and the yardstick too.

It turns me on.

It doesn’t have to hurt a whole lot, in fact, i probably prefer that it doesn’t.

So it’s not punishment for me.  Not really.  He talks about punishing me only for things that are out of my control, sometimes He’ll say things like, “This is for all the times you doubted yourself this week, all the times you didn’t believe you could do something, the times you worried for no good reason…”

i like that.  It makes me wet, it makes me want to suck His cock, it makes me feel deeply submissive…

That’s spanking ~ that’s totally not punishment, is it?

And i’m fine with that.

{And i know, i could have done that in a Green Eggs and Ham style ~

i like my spanking soft or hard,

in the house or in the yard,

i like it slow, i like it fast,

i like it on my naked ass…

i do like spankings, don’t you see,

they are so very good for me…”

Ok, enough of that.}

On a whole other note, Sir and i were planning to go to the munch last night, but we went out Friday night, and i had a friend over for breakfast Saturday, and we were going out Sunday evening, and it just seemed like a lot to me.  Besides, i’d been doing a lot of thinking and hadn’t talked to Him about any of it.

So i asked Him if He’d be ok with it if we stayed home and had our own kinky evening, not necessarily play, but some talking too, and whatever else we felt like ~

~ and of course He was ok with that.

i still hadn’t told Him that it triggers old memories when He comes up behind me and touches me while i’m doing stuff around the house.   i knew i needed to, and i kept thinking about it, but i hadn’t done it.  i was fretting a bit because i wasn’t sure what i wanted to say.

So  i’m doing stuff in the kitchen and He comes up behind me, and i have a huge revelation.  i realize that the memories are from a time when i didn’t want the other person to touch me, when i really didn’t want his hands on me at all, not then, and not later.  

But i want Sir to touch me.   i want Him to touch me now and later.

i think about practicing positions, and contemplating how to be more open to Him, as He directed me to do.   i think about how what i’m doing is almost the opposite of that.  All this in a flash ~

So when He touches me, i stop what i’m doing and turn to face Him.  i put my hands on His shoulders, so i’m physically connected with HIm, and open to His touch.  

Then i say, “i have a problem, i need to tell you this,” and He nods, listening, and i say, “When you touch me from behind, it brings back some bad memories.”

He nods, and starts to say something, but i say, “i think i have a solution, would you like to hear it?”  and  He nods, listening.  i say,

“i think when you do that, come up behind me and touch me, that i need to quit doing what i’m doing and give you my attention, all of my attention.”

He looks surprised, and i go on, “When i keep trying to do something while you’re touching me, that’s what triggers the memories.  And it’s not really ~ it’s not being open to you.  i want you to touch me.   So if it’s ok, when you do that, i’ll just stop and pay attention to you, instead of trying to finish what i’m doing.”

i can do that, i don’t have kids or a totally overwhelming schedule to deal with right now.  He can be priority.

He looks surprised, and pleased, and says sure, that would be ok with Him.  He says he’s glad i told Him, and adds, “I guess that means sometimes I’ll have to let you finish what you’re doing.”  

And i smile, and say, “Well, if it’s important that i finish it in some time frame, i guess so, but that’s up to you.”

i make a note to self  that maybe i need to offer Him more physical attention without Him having to look for it too.  

It felt really good, to tell Him, and to offer that solution.

i’ve done it a few times already, and it feels soooo much better.   As soon as i feel His touch, i stop what i’m doing, right away, and turn to Him, opening myself to His touch.  It feels wonderfully submissive, and i’m rewarded with His touch, which then turns me on, instead of triggering unpleasant memories.

It doesn’t take long to satisfy His desire to caress me, whether He wants to pinch my nipple, rub my ass, or just hold me, and it reminds me of Story of O, and the requirement that she be constantly available to the Masters.  No, He’s not requiring it of me, i’ve offered it, but in a way, it’s the heart of submission.

i wonder if youall were wondering why i wasn’t responding that way in the first place.  If you live with your Master, how does that work for you?

Later on in the evening, i fix us a salad, which He likes, and coffee, which He always likes, and some sliced strawberries with ice cream for dessert.  After dinner, i get up my nerve to start telling Him about all the stuff i’ve been thinking lately.

To Be Continued…

17 Responses to “Day 8 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission”

  1. abby September 2, 2012 at 7:10 pm #

    Aww..what a place to stop..you tease! I’v been wanting to thank you for starting the 30 day questions, I have started them also, and it has been a good time to reflect! That is a great solution you came up with, but the way!
    abby

    • aisha September 3, 2012 at 7:03 am #

      A tease? Me????

      Well, yeah. {laughing…}

      Yeah, i’ve been enjoying the opportunity to reflect in ways that i might not usually do. It’s a good exercise.

      And thanks for the support!

      aisha

  2. sin September 2, 2012 at 7:34 pm #

    Your life sounds nice. Lucky you.
    -sin

    • aisha September 3, 2012 at 7:04 am #

      Thank you, Sin ~ i really am lucky, and try to remember that…

      aisha

  3. Tiffani September 2, 2012 at 8:15 pm #

    Funny how we worry and fret over things. Yes they are important to us, especially things that trigger bad memories, but our concern over expressing our needs or issues to another can be just as simple as turning around and just sharing it. You had a solution for your problem this time but in the future if you don’t you know the both of you can come up with one. Thanks for sharing this and reminding me that it can/will be ok to just be open with my problems/issues.

    • aisha September 3, 2012 at 7:08 am #

      Hi, Tiffani,

      You’re so right, of course. It is super important to be open, no matter how hard it is.

      It always takes me a while to realize what’s going on, when it’s a connection to old stuff, and then it takes me a while to realize that just knowing what it’s about is not going to be sufficient to deal with it.

      My goal these days is to be in touch with where i am, if that makes any sense, without judging myself or blaming my self. So i knew i’d tell Him when it felt right, and i was glad i had the solution this time. Next time, it may be a “blurt it out” kind of thing ~ like it later that night.

      Thanks for the comment!!

      aisha

  4. MsConstanceExplains September 2, 2012 at 9:21 pm #

    It’s amazing that, no matter how good we are, we don’t read minds. I think we often expect people to understand what they don’t articulate, because, well, really, wouldn’t YOU feel that way? Well, maybe yes, maybe no, but if I didn’t, I’d tell you why, most likely.

    Of course, I’m not shy about speaking up anyway.

    • aisha September 3, 2012 at 7:11 am #

      Dear Ms. Constance,

      You mean you don’t ~ you can’t ~ but i thought you…. {laughing} Ok, i know y’all can’t really read minds, no matter how much easer that might make it for us. Easier in the moment anyhow.

      And no, as far as i know you’re not shy about speaking up!!

      Thanks for commenting, i love hearing from the Domme realm!

      aisha

  5. Fondles September 2, 2012 at 11:28 pm #

    right. BIKSS asked me about the 30 days thing. At first I said I didn’t think I would do it cos it seemed like too much. then I realised maybe it might be worth exploring – cos no one said I had to do them in essay form.

    second, dr seuss. love it. loved what you wrote too. captured it perfectly. you’re a gifted writer.

    third – i liked that you found your solution. i’ve been feeling lacking in submission recently. the schedule clashes and being out of town (for both of us) and the reno has put a serious kink (and NOT THE GOOD KIND) in our usual timetable.

    so i’m gonna think about something that I can do to feel more open and available to him too. thanks for sharing stuff that’s so intimate and personal.

    • aisha September 3, 2012 at 7:16 am #

      Hi, Fondles,

      Yeah, it’s interesting to have some structured ideas to contemplate, isn’t it? It stimulates insights for me that i might not get otherwise.

      Thanks for the kind words on my writing too. i’m glad i captured some of your experience too.

      That sounds like a good idea, thinking about what you can do to increase your sense of submission and connectedness. Wondering if you’ve put it to him like that too ~ just that you’ve noticed feeling less submissive, blah, blah, blah… and seeing if he has any suggestions.

      And you’re welcome, you know, i write it for myself cause that’s part of my processing my experiences… thanks for listening and responding!

      aisha

  6. faerie September 3, 2012 at 9:00 am #

    aisha, how wonderful that you were able to identify and find a solution to a trigger. Now that you have replaced that trigger with positive actions the trigger should fade away, at least with your master. That used to be a trigger for me a long time ago. Musicman has always been the type to be constantly touching me, it took me awhile, but now I love it.

    I am really enjoying the 30 days questions. I’m even considering doing them at some point myself. Maybe next month, this one is gonna be too busy for me.

    • aisha September 6, 2012 at 7:15 am #

      Thanks, Faerie,

      i’m glad you’re enjoying them. You’re right, the trigger loses its power once it’s claimed and replaced. i know you and Musicman have don a ton of work in this area too.

      i’d love to read your answers to the 30 days series! Hope you do decide to do them sometime!

      aisha

  7. jadescastle September 4, 2012 at 9:39 am #

    This is really great stuff. i was wondering how you would handle the flashback type issues. i am thinking that this would a brilliant idea. And….i can totally relate. i hated being touched by the abuser for any reason whatsoever, especially from behind. It made me angry and i would often turn and swat at her, reflexively, which she would think was cute and made her turned on. That is what my anger did…turn her on. So its a strange thing, maybe, in a violent relationship that i was encouraged to hit. i didn’t do damage in any sense and was taught that me hitting was like an ineffectual annoyance and that i was incapable of doing any harm. Anyhow….i ended up both with issues about being touched unexpectedly (which i worked through) and also hitting (which i’m working through now).

    Funny how triggers work. i’ve tried to explain how i was actively encouraged to get angry and hit but i think it made no sense to SR. It’s something that requires me to be very present and aware to not do, which might matter as much to SR as changing the behavior itself.

    i’m glad you talked it through and found a solution that works for you.

    • aisha September 6, 2012 at 7:19 am #

      Hi, Jade,

      Yep, there ya go, that’s how i handled this emotional flashback anyhow. 🙂

      Your story is interesting and makes sense. By making your hitting her a “cute” think it took all the power out of it, and pretty much unvalidated your right to feel angry. That would be difficult ~ i know the feeling. It’s the same as “you’re sexy when you’re angry.” {shakes head}

      i am glad you’re learning not to hit though. {Does that sound weird?} But it means what you do – your actions are real, and they count. That’s pretty cool.

      And yeah, being present is such a big piece of it, isn’t it?

      hugs,

      aisha

  8. Wordwytch September 4, 2012 at 2:38 pm #

    Once again, I’m nodding my head. I had the same issues with being touched, and after lots of time and discussion, I am much better too. Bad Tapes are such a bastard. I talked to Wolf about my ‘touch’ issues, which is of course odd as I’m such a hugger… but realized it was late at night in bed that startled me the most. He ever so slowly worked with me. I could touch, but he would hold back. That way I didn’t freak out. Over time it got better and now, I relish the feel of him draping his body on me, or walking up behind me. One thing my sons never realized is that the reason they could rarely sneak up on me was because I was so hyper as to who was behind me.

    Wolf is also very good about letting me know if my ex is around, as we live in the same town and are often at the same events. It saves my sanity.

    • aisha September 6, 2012 at 7:20 am #

      Hi, Wordwytch,

      Yeah, i think many of us have similar issues, right? It’s amazing. And so many Doms are so good at helping us work through them.

      Nice. Glad Wolf is who you need him to be.

      hugs,

      aisha

      • Wordwytch September 7, 2012 at 12:30 am #

        The similarities do amaze me. And yes, I am so very lucky to have Wolf. And there are days I think he’s pretty lucky to have me. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: