Day 9 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

3 Sep

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Hmmm.  There is not a lot of structure, and few rules, or limits in my relationship with Sir.  Sometimes, i think i would like more, but you know what they say.  “Be careful what you ask for…”

i’ve chosen to let this relationship unfold as it will, to some extent anyhow.  Within the framework of being honest with my thoughts and feelings, and sharing them with Him.  Maybe not as soon as i have the thought or feeling, but when the time is right.

He has a few rules that He expects me to follow, but they’re so easy to follow they almost don’t count.  Monogamy.  He and i are monogamous, i’m His, i would not play with anyone else.  i am perfectly ok with that, so it’s not an issue.

Honesty.  He expects me to be honest.  That’s not always as easy as it sounds, but He’s reasonable about it and doesn’t hold honest error or mistakes against me.

He expects me to be open, but i want to be too, so that works out.

Those are big things.  They’re not “rules” like “don’t leave your clothes in the dryer” {which i do often} or “don’t start eating until I say you can.”  Sometimes, i think it would be easier to have a bunch of rules like that.

Instead, He expects me {i guess He expects me} to continue looking for ways to please Him within the framework of our lives.   And to do whatever He asks me to do.  And to be sexually available.

He hasn’t demanded any of that from me.  He hasn’t listed it in a contract to be signed.  It seems like He’s waited til i offer it, and then has closed the deal quickly.

So, for example, Saturday night i offered Him my willingness to stop what i’m doing to be open to Him.   Sunday, He came home and i was rearranging some stuff on shelves.  i stopped to hug Him, which i always, always do when He comes home.

So we’re hugging and He notices my hair is damp.  i say i’m “fresh out of the shower,” and He says, “O, yeah?”

He pulls one arm behind my back and guides me into the bedroom.

He pulls my pants half down, and i think He’s going to spank me, but, “I want to see what “fresh out of the shower” tastes like,” He says.  “Take your pants  off and get up there and offer yourself to me.”

So of course i do, and there’s a couple of minutes of pure pleasure.  When He’s through, which is before i have an orgasm, when i’m still all gasping and squirming, He stops.

“Good girl,” He says, “Good girl for being open and offering yourself.  Now you can put your pants back on.”

And He walks out of the room, leaving me all turned on, in a really stunned, happy kind of way.

That’s the kind of thing He does.  Later, i realize that i’ve really made a commitment to be sexually available.  Wow.

Saturday night, after dinner, i talked to Him about the things that had been on my mind for a while.  i want His guidance in some vanilla aspects of my life. And that scares the hell out of me.

It fits with the stuff Raven talks about – having a tree relationship as much as or more than a yin-yang relationship, and being on the path of Service and Mastery and all that.  i was afraid Sir wouldn’t be interested in any of that.

i was afraid He’d laugh at me.  Afraid He’d say no, afraid He’d say yes.

But i talked about it, and i listened.  i didn’t just spill it all out, i stopped and gave Him time to say what He thinks.  i think He understood what i meant, and He agreed to help me in the ways i need help.

i need to manage my time well.  It’s real unstructured right now, and i need to be on top of the bunch of projects i have going on, and to exercise, and to blog, and to do all kinds of things.

He has a bunch of management training, and has trained managers.  i’ve been a manager, but my organization didn’t really believe in training us, they just promoted us and turned us loose on an unsuspecting staff.  So this will be new for me.

Not that i have staff ~ i just need to manage myself without many outside deadlines, without fires to put out, or people knocking on my door all the time.

So after He agrees to help me, {and remember, just asking for help is really hard for me}, then He starts asking me questions about my computer, and i don’t know any of the answers.  He’s PC and i’m Mac, so He doesn’t know how my system works.

He takes my little Mac Air and starts examining it, and asking me questions.  i only know about one out of five answers.  So He’s poking around the system, learning things and explaining them to me.

i’m so anxious, i can hardly stand it.

Really.  i look ok, i think, but internally i’m squirming and ready to jump out of my skin.  He’s explaining something, in gentle tones, in simple terms, and i’m on the verge of a panic attack.

i notice this, and i’m able to think, “this is interesting, what’s this about?” and it hits me, when i feel like this, it’s a “father issue.”   Which means ~

~ o, yeah. i’m totally expecting Sir to suddenly use that gentle tone and the  simple terms against me so i end up feeling totally stupid and worthless.  Yep.  That’s why i’m about to panic.

So i tell Him, i just blurt it out, the whole thing about it being a Dad thing, which He totally gets, and how i feel.

And He assures me that He’s not going to do that.  He points out the way He’s already doing some things that make it more comfortable for me, and i realize that’s true.  He is already holding me safe.  

He won’t turn this on me and make me feel ashamed.

Later, when i have the opportunity to express myself sexually, i am so happy to be able to bring Him pleasure.  It pleases me immeasurably to take Him in my mouth and show Him a love there are no words for.

That’s how it works for us.

9 Responses to “Day 9 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission”

  1. sin September 3, 2012 at 9:06 am #

    Some of what you are making with him works so well because you are willing and able to examine yourself and your feelings and to communicate them with him. I’m impressed.

    • aisha September 4, 2012 at 5:48 am #

      Yes.

      i’ll take some credit for that, because it seems like i’ve been working on how to do that my entire frigging life.

      Thanks!!

      aisha

  2. abby September 3, 2012 at 9:11 am #

    wow..lots to think about here. I do have ‘rules’, but after a I get used to them they just seem like a part of life, and they seem to make sense….guess that is Master’s intent. Seeing you and your reliationship evolve is a pleasure..thanks for sharing.
    abby

    • aisha September 4, 2012 at 5:50 am #

      Thanks, Abby.

      Sure, i guess that’s the thing with rules, if they’re reasonable, you do get used to them and they become habit and just flow.

      Thanks for reading and commenting – i’m glad you’re enjoying my blog!

      aisha

  3. MsConstanceExplains September 3, 2012 at 9:16 am #

    I enjoyed this post especially. slave drew doesn’t have a lot of rules. There are reasons for that, one of the biggest and most elemental rules being, don’t ask for things you know you will not get. It makes you look bad, for one, and makes it easier to disobey and I don’t like either things. He does have some rules, but drew is drew, and not like most slaves. He doesn’t eat before me and that is, interestingly, one rule he still does without being reminded, something he still follows. I like that ritual, personally, but I also feel as though I have a sort of rare bird in my control. The bird and I have agreed that as long as I don’t put him in too small of cages, or ask him to do TOO much against his nature, then he will live within the parameters I set, and that allows me access to a bird I might not expect to have access to otherwise.

    And although that’s odd, it works for us.

    • aisha September 4, 2012 at 5:55 am #

      Dear Ms. Constance,

      Yes. i can totally see that with you and Drew. But Drew is ~ well, “a rare bird” is exactly right for him.

      Drew is the kind of person who, if you were able to change him, you’d wish afterwards that you hadn’t. He needs to be encouraged to be more of who-he-is, if that makes any sense.

      It may be a little odd, but seeing you two together is a treat.

      aisha

  4. Wordwytch September 4, 2012 at 2:43 pm #

    Smiles! I have been enjoying this series of posts. 🙂

    • aisha September 6, 2012 at 8:26 am #

      Thanks, Wordwytch!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. If wishes were horses…. | The Monkeys Journey - September 3, 2012

    […] wrote about rules today. It’s a topic that has been on my mind more and more lately, in part because F removed […]

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