Day 12 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

6 Sep

Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

 Financial submission is not part of my own submission.  Um, not now, pretty much not ever that i can imagine.  i know, never say never, but Sir’s skills are not in the financial realm, and He’ll be the first to tell you that.  But i just can’t imagine being financially submissive.

See, i read this stuff i’m writing and i think, i’m probably not even submissive at all!!  Know what i mean?  But still.

i am familiar, i think, with the principals of financial submission ~ at least what i could find on-line.   i thought i understood to start with, and then i googled it, so i know that much.  

Seems like there’s a bunch of Domme’s “offering” the opportunity for financial domination, and male submissives more than happy to offer financial support.  

And i want to be real careful here not to make any judgements about other people’s kink.  Because i’m pretty sure some people would have some negative judgements about my kink.  Some people would think that being sexually available at all times, or getting whacked with a cane was outrageous.  So i want to be careful here.

Plus, it’s not any of my business if other people express their submission financially.  i’m sure plenty of people do and it probably works fine for them.  One story i read on-line about a guy and his Domme did sound an awful lot like having a mistress, or a well-cared for spoiled wife, but hey, nothing wrong with that.   She’s getting the financial support she needs for college, and He gets dominated every Sunday afternoon.  Not a bad deal.

And really, men taking financial care of women is not a new concept in our culture.  

When it’s the female submissive handing her money over, i may imagine shades of pimps, taking advantage of their hard-working stable of girls, or  the 50’s housewife with a stingy allowance who can’t buy a new pair of stockings without permission.   Not a new concept… and not a pretty one.

i need to remember that there are lots of relationships where one person handles the money, and there’s nothing wrong with that. There are lots of relationships where one person handles the money, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  There are lots of relationships where one person…

But really, submissives who are terrible at managing money would be grateful to hand it to someone else.  Sir pointed out that some people may really need help with budgeting, and a good Dom would try to take care of it if possible.

But ~ you may have guessed this ~ it’s not my thing.  If that changes at some point, i’ll come describe what happened, but you may want to check my fingerprints too.  

i remember a couple of times when i was married the first time ~ there were a couple of summers that i didn’t work because what i would have made would barely have covered child care, so it seemed pointless.

It was a crappy experience for me.  My vanilla-but-controlling husband clearly felt he was now in sole charge of money and none of it was mine.  i do not ever want to feel like that again.

i remember my husband at the time saying, in front of the kids, that he owned our house, that it didn’t belong to me because he was paying the mortgage with his money.  And i felt so outraged, it was my savings that paid for part of the down payment, and my mother gave us the rest, and i had been not working for exactly two months at the time, besides which it’s a community property state and how frigging dare he say that in front of the kids and not wanting to kill him in front of them, but feeling so helpless and angry and awful… and he just kept laughing and saying no, it was HIS house.

Whew.  i hadn’t thought about that in so long.  i can still remember exactly where i was standing when he said it.  Asshole.

Having money helped allow me to get out of that relationship and still provide a home for my daughter.  Yeah, i could have done it without, but it sure would have been harder.  Call me un-submissive, i don’t ever want to be trapped in a relationship because i can’t afford to leave and support myself.

If there’s a little voice in my head that says it’s about trust and commitment, it might be right.  But after two marriages, each of which i was sure would last forever and ever, i’m not banking on forever’s.   i’m just not.

15 Responses to “Day 12 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission”

  1. striving for peace September 6, 2012 at 7:43 am #

    So here’s where I do judge other people’s kink (please send your cards and letters to POB 69, IMHO, Tx 76145)

    When I was out Dom searching — I would sometimes read the profiles of women — and some of them would go so far as to say they wouldn’t even read a response that a man sent him until he had made a purchase from her Amazon wish list.

    this isn’t D/s – this is commerce.

    and I do disapprove of it. To me there is a difference between someone controlling the finances — and someone getting a new TV.

    The line is between consensual activities and abusive ones.

    Now — to me — when it comes to this sort of thing, I think if you’re stupid enough to send these women a new Cuisenart — then you deserve what you get.

    But when it comes to financial D/s — the risk of abuse is tremendous. And while I won’t judge you if your kink is covering yourself with Spam and having Ferrets lick it off….If you gave up all your money and control financially to someone else — I might stage an intervention.

    with respect and love

    sfp – aka – Judgy McJudgerton

    • aisha September 7, 2012 at 2:40 pm #

      Dear Judgy McJudgerton,

      I ❤ you!!

      Ok, having said that, omg, yes, i saw profiles that said that too, and was appalled. Yeah. That's not ok in my book either. Or the ones from Doms that want you to sell everything and relocate. Yeah.

      But Spam and Ferrets????? No judgement there??? YIKES!! EWWWW!!

      And i would appreciate the intervention if i give up my money and financial control to Sir for real, not that he wants it at all, but there's also my daughters who should someday inherit my meagre estate and yeah, to give it all away to someone who's not their father would send them an odd message, wouldn't it?

      i love your reaction. Can i call you JJ from now on?



  2. abby September 6, 2012 at 7:46 am #

    I am mostly with you on this one, altho Master when we first started Master did help me with getting a credit card under control.
    hugs abby

    • aisha September 7, 2012 at 2:44 pm #

      Hey, Abby,

      i don’t think helping you get a credit card under control falls into the heading of stuff i’m thinking about, ya know? Helping one’s submissive with something that’s a problem isn’t a problem, in my mind.

      Not that my opinion is some kind of deciding factor either, right? But just for the record, that’s not what i think of as “financial submission.”



  3. vanillamom September 6, 2012 at 8:03 am #

    I am crappy at managing money. I understand it’s importance, and I like shiny things. I pay my bills I’m responsible for on time, and the rest of the money management is up to the wife. If I was with my Master 24/7? I’d want him to have that control, actually.

    Your history is very different. That does not mean that you are “less submissive” because you want to be in charge of your own money. And every D/s dynamic is different–that doesn’t in any way mean that yor doin’ it wrong. (!)

    You do what works for your Sir and you. And what’s wrong with that?




    • aisha September 7, 2012 at 2:48 pm #

      Of course you’re right ‘Nilla, everyone does it his or her way, and that’s as it should be.

      You know, there’s a bunch of questions in my mind about how this works for you, but none of them are any of my business and this isnt’ the place to ask them. Maybe I’ll poke around on this some other time.

      Thanks for sharing your differences, ‘Nilla. I do love that it’s ok for us all to be how we are…



  4. sin September 6, 2012 at 8:35 am #

    I do think it’s a trust thing. Money is power. Being able to afford to walk away is power.

    But there’s another element at play too. I think it’s about permanence. When you let someone beat you with a cane, it hurts in the moment. When you give someone control over your finances or let someone brand you or tattoo you, that has a longer term implication.


    • aisha September 7, 2012 at 2:52 pm #

      Hey, Sin,

      Thanks again for the thoughts here, more for me to ponder.

      Your comment made me think about some things about trust too, what it means to trust and who we should trust and so on…



  5. Lea September 6, 2012 at 10:39 am #

    I think financial submission could be a blessing, but only if the person needing it… well, actually needs it. Needs the help to keep a budget. It would involve extreme trust. Abuse of that trust, with funds being used for anything that wasn’t in the submissive’s best interest would create a horror show. I’m not sure if I could ever do it. I have days when I also think “am I really submissive” too… but my submission is a choice and its something to work at. We all have different levels as well.

    • aisha September 7, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

      Hi, Lea,

      Yes, of course you’re right. And a loving, responsible Dom would probably be a wonderful help with that. i guess in my mind there’s a difference between helping someone budget and telling them what they can and can’t do with their money… and it sounds like you see that too.

      It’s a challenge, isn’t it, and a growth process!


  6. faerie September 6, 2012 at 7:23 pm #

    I never really thought much about financial submission before. I think I am, in fact, I know I am, but it is by my own choice that I am. If I had your history I doubt very much that I would choose to be finacially submissive, I doubt I would be able to trust anyone enough to do that.

    I just copied the first 12 questions so I can do this. They are quite thought provoking, which I suppose is the idea, lol. Maybe I will get the chance to start them soon 🙂

    • aisha September 7, 2012 at 3:07 pm #

      Hi, faerie,

      O, cool, i’d love to hear your answers to the questions! They are fun to answer, and make me think, sometimes harder than i expect, and sometimes they lead me in directions i didn’t know i would go.

      Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on everything!


  7. Wordwytch September 7, 2012 at 12:39 am #

    Dayyyymn! Aisha, we could be writing each other’s diaries on this topic! My ex was so “I am in control” of the money even though he often put us in the red. Wolf is mostly good with money, but he has his ‘ooh pretty shiney’ days too.

    • aisha September 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm #

      Hey, Wordwytch,

      That’s funmy. Yeah, my ex wasn’t good with money either, and in fact, i was responsible for budgeting and paying bills, although he wouldn’t agree to a budget or live with in it… ugh. Wouldn’t go back for anything.



      • Wordwytch September 9, 2012 at 2:32 am #

        Ditto!!! Are you sure we aren’t some sort of psychic twins? Nilla and I are born the same day, 9 months apart.

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