Day 13 ~ Question ~ 30 Days of Submission

7 Sep

Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Yes, it is part of my submission.  It was part of the original fantasy of my BDSM desires, and it seems to be part of my submission to Sir X.

If i sound a little surprised, well, i guess i am.  There’s some risk for me in it.  {Are you all tired yet of hearing about stuff that potentially triggers memories and such for me?}

So the risk is that i’ll shut down. That if He wants me and i don’t really want to and i let Him anyhow, i’ll shut down, go away in my head, whatever you want to call some mild dissociative stuff.  

I don’t even want to talk about this, ok?  

But ~ if that happens a lot, if we have sex and i’m shut down, then it starts to feel really bad, like i don’t really exist, like i’m not even there ~ well, because you know, i’m not really there, and that’s not so helpful for a relationship.  

So i know that about myself.  

That hasn’t happened with Sir, it hasn’t even halfway happened except for the “coming up behind me” thing, which was me, not him, and i wasn’t “going away” anyhow.   

Am i still making sense?

Ok, so it makes me nervous to talk about it, because i am sexually available to Him all the time, i’ve chosen that, and that’s scary to me.  

Are there limits?

i don’t know.  

If i answer that question, i’ll start thinking up limits, giving my rationale for exceptions, for when there would be a “not now” and so on.  But that’s not how this works.

Sigh.

Ok, so no limits.

Yes, i’m sexually available to Him all the time, no limits.

No, i don’t know what that looks like exactly for us.  i just trust Him to make it ok.

So yeah, i’ll trust Him with my body, but not my money?  That’s interesting, isn’t it?  

Sin commented yesterday, i think it was Sin, that it was about trust ~ the money thing.  And power, which of course it is, but so is sex in a D/s dynamic.  Isn’t it?  i think.

And she made me stop and think when she said:

I think it’s about permanence. When you let someone beat you with a cane, it hurts in the moment. When you give someone control over your finances or let someone brand you or tattoo you, that has a longer term implication.

i would let someone brand me before i’d give them full control of my money.

Really?

Yeah, i think so.  Weird, huh?

But i digress.  Back to being sexually available ~

it scares me and it turns me on and makes me feel open and vulnerable and trusting and did i say scared?

Yeah.

Pushing that limit, handing over the power and control…

Really, isn’t that at the heart of TTWD?

15 Responses to “Day 13 ~ Question ~ 30 Days of Submission”

  1. sin September 7, 2012 at 7:39 am #

    I’m sure that IF people were to get tired of reading about potential triggers, they would politely skim that part. I think your blog, like mine, and most of the other D/s blogs I see, is meant to help you examine how you feel about things. Some are different, meant to entertain or inform or amuse or in some cases, to humiliate, but most are meant to help you analyze and communicate with others interested in the same stuff. So go for it. This seems a good way.

    • aisha September 9, 2012 at 11:33 am #

      Hey, Sin,

      This makes me laugh every time i read it. i’m sure you’re right, people could skim the boring parts…

      Which makes me think that it’s probably ME who’s tired of writing about triggers. Damn.

      Thanks!

      aisha

  2. maraudersisabel September 7, 2012 at 7:43 am #

    Makes sense to me! I have had a past vanilla relationship in which the money was mingled and I don’t have the words to express how difficult it was to wrench free with two small kiddos.

    This time is different, I’ve been with my Owner for more than a decade and I control my own money (although I *do* ask if I can buy stuff) because he always wants me to “feel” as if i have a way out. And I have been tattooed with his mark; I really thought that would be the hardest thing I’d ever have to do. Turns out for me it isn’t. It’s providing my own money management when all I truly want is an allowance. Who knew?

    • aisha September 9, 2012 at 11:34 am #

      Hi, Maraudersisabel,

      That’s funny, isn’t it! We never know what turns the road will take.

      Being tattooed with his mark is kind of hot though. i don’t really want to be branded, i mean, i really don’t want to be branded, but a tattoo? Maybe… Unfortunately, my Sir doesn’t like tattoos. At all. 😦

      aisha

  3. jadescastle September 7, 2012 at 8:12 am #

    i’m really glad that you wrote this. It does make sense- to me at least- that you’d go for a brand before having no access to money. Having been in a circumstance in life that i walked out literally without a cent, i can understand that. The funny thing for me is that i struggle with the concept that SR wants me to not spend too much of “my” money. It matters to me to contribute in all ways and that includes financially. i was surprised to learn that she thinks of money as a tool and that it is more or less her job to provide me with tools that i need to do the work she values. i have been just buying whatever we needed and had to make a list this week for her review for groceries and household stuff. It took me all day long to do it.

    i can understand about the fear of triggers. One would think that she has access to do whatever she wants to me to be a trigger. If i had thought about it too much, it would have been tempting to think all sorts of things she does would be a trigger. Face slapping comes immediately to mind. The way we operate is that she can do whatever she wants but accepts responsibility for helping me to be transparent and dealing with the fallout if there is any. i think that is key. Abusers accept responsibility for nothing at all.

    It counts hugely to me that she is patient with me and has not punished me for things that i would have if i had been in her shoes. It tells me that it won’t happen without me understanding why.

    Sex is power. Money is power. And maybe staying open is a type of power too. As we push through the fear of triggers, we reclaim those things for ourselves and for our Masters.

    • aisha September 9, 2012 at 11:49 am #

      Dear Jade,

      There’s so much here to respond to… thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. i’m so glad that you’re having different experience with SR and learning new ways of looking at things.

      i think that process goes on forever… well, apparently it does. And i love the idea that staying open is a type of power too. Of course it is, and it is reclaiming a part of ourselves that we lose with abuse.

      Thank you.

      much love,

      aisha

  4. Lea September 7, 2012 at 2:34 pm #

    I like the way you girls put this – short term vs. permanence. That is THE key right there! Most of my issues stem from things that have a long term affect, tattoos, finances being the top two. Permanent or long lasting vs. temporary pain, or marks that will fade.

    • aisha September 9, 2012 at 11:57 am #

      Hi, Lea,

      Yeah, it makes a difference, doesn’t it?

      aisha

  5. Jz September 7, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

    I’m totally with you. When I read about people who have handed over control of their finances, I cannot help but think, “have you lost what’s left of your tiny little mind?”
    Mind you, I’d probably have a lot more money if someone else took over for me — but that isn’t the point here…

    • aisha September 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

      Hi, Jz,

      Yeah, i have the same thought. i think that’s related more to people that hand over money they’ve already got to someone new. But – o, gosh, now that i think about it, i actually have a distant relative who was married for about 40 years ~ her husband was in charge of all the money ~ turned out he gambled away all their savings, cashed in their retirement stuff, sold investments she’d inherited from her parents… all of it – gone. She didn’t have a clue til the mortgage check bounced.

      Yeah. Better to have less money, and actually have it.

      aisha

  6. faerie September 7, 2012 at 5:42 pm #

    One thing I’ve learned about triggers, if you try to avoid them you are placing limits on your life experiences. That’s not good, better to face them when possible and find ways to address them. Once you identfy them and find a positive way to handle them, they lose there power. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen. Talking it through, or in this case writing about them, helps too.

    • aisha September 9, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

      Hi, faerie,

      Yes. You’re absolutely right. And the more you limit your experiences, the more triggers pop us somewhere else, and the more you have to limit and you end up like that woman who died in her bathroom in NY somewhere – she hadn’t left the bathroom in years. Her boyfriend brought her food.

      I don’t really know that’s why she spent years in the bathroom, but i know i’ve had clients who’ve spent years cowering in their bedrooms.

      Anyhow. Yeah. It’s only in facing them and dealing with it that we heal. Thanks.

      aisha

  7. Wordwytch September 9, 2012 at 2:39 am #

    Sexually open… This is a ‘funny one’. Why? Because I’m the one with the higher sex drive. Plus, there are enough old injuries for Wolf that often we find ourselves “waiting” until he feels better. So yes, in one way, I am open and available. On the other hand, our schedule depends more on him.

    Last, but not least, he is very considerate of me, knowing what an ass my ex was and how many little nasty tapes trip some times. I too have my ‘shut down’ moments and Wolf always talks me though them.

    • aisha September 9, 2012 at 12:05 pm #

      Hi, Wordwytch,

      Yes, that does make it different, at least a little bit.

      But it’s great that he’s helpful with old tapes and such – that makes such a difference.

      hug,

      aisha

      • Wordwytch September 9, 2012 at 7:46 pm #

        I am sooo grateful that he helps me though the ‘bad tapes’. And there are times I help him. Former marine, Special Ops… He hates firecrackers…

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