Day 18 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

13 Sep

Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

i didn’t even know that was the stereotype ~ y’all submissive women are some of the most opinionated folks i know.

Ok, seriously, i guess there are people who think that.  Whatever.

i’m pretty sure that’s ridiculous.  For sure, no one’s ever accused me of not having opinions of my own.

On the other hand, i hate to ask for anything, and really, i would prefer for Him to be able to read my mind.

What?

It doesn’t work like that?

Yes.  Actually i KNOW that.  i can still wish it worked that way, right?

i think that D/s relationships give me explicit permission to say what’s on my mind.  i’m supposed to share, because how can He safely do his dominant thing if He doesn’t know what’s going on with me?

If i were the kind of person who was prone to tantrums and yelling, i suppose a submissive role would not lend itself to that, and i would have to learn how to communicate respectfully.  Since i’m not a yeller, i’m kind of at the other end of that spectrum.  i tend to think about how to say something so long, it might become moot in the meantime.

i consider how He’s going to feel, how He’s going to react, sometimes, i consider those things so long, i get paralyzed.   i can’t say anything.

That’s not really helpful.  i get all withdrawn and sad  It gets harder and harder to talk, and more likely that i’m going to cry.

Sheesh.  i get all tied up in knots, when really, i just need to say ~ whatever it is that i’m not saying.

Communication is essential to a D/s dynamic.  So being tied up in knots and pouting and feeling miserable are not helpful when i need to communicate my feelings.

And it’s funny how life works, cause that’s how i’m feeling, right now.  If i’d done this post yesterday morning, i wouldn’t have felt this way.  But today, i do.  There are things i need to  say that i’m not saying.  

So instead of trying to take up more time babbling on this topic, i guess i’d better go practice what i’m preaching.  OR ~~

~~ we could talk about what keeps people from just saying what we think and feel without all this ridiculous prelude.  You’d like to hear more about that wouldn’t you?

It’s fear.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of messing things up.  Fear of ruining our relationship.

Yes, i know that’s not right.  i know, i know, i know.  Doesn’t matter.  That’s how i feel, and feelings can outweigh thoughts without even trying.

******************************

Ok.  i figured out what to say, and i said it, and the world did not end, the sky did not fall, all is well here in Aisha-ville.  Sir says, “When you say the hard-to-say things, then we can do something about them.”

O.

Yeah.

i guess that’s true, huh?  

Who knew?

***************************

{sung to the tune of the children’s song  “This is the way we wash our hands}  Tomorrow is the day we go to COPE, go to COPE, go to COPE, tomorrow is the day we go to COPE, so early in the morning…

Here’s the song in case you don’t know it:

http://youtu.be/AGoGNneXpJE

Except we’re not going early in the morning, i have to go get my hair colored and cut first ~ yes, i would have done it sooner, but the woman that’s been doing it for the last 15 years was on vacation.  Thank goodness she’s back tomorrow!

Then we’re off!  

11 Responses to “Day 18 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission”

  1. Wordwytch September 13, 2012 at 2:45 pm #

    Once again, our thought processes are so similar. Communications is vital. While my ex would have shouted, “I’m not a fucking mind reader!”, Wolf will look at me, realize that I am way too quiet and ask what is wrong. Or, if I’m really worked up, I’ll write a note. Wolf understands and we deal with it.

    And yes, fear of rejection…. is a nasty thing.

    Hope that COPE is wonderful.

    (The subs on the leash go to COPE, COPE, COPE!)

    • aisha September 18, 2012 at 9:39 am #

      Yes, i think writing something that’s hard to say can be super helpful. i’ve done that plenty!

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. sin September 13, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

    Lucky you! Are you packed yet? How many pairs of shoes?

    -sin

    • aisha September 18, 2012 at 9:35 am #

      i’m so glad you asked that, Sin!

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. vanillamom September 13, 2012 at 3:06 pm #

    The world did not end? Then what the hell was all that thumpin and bumpin? *giggle*

    Really …you are one of the best communicators that I know. It always amazes me that you have trouble with this, no lie. I wonder if this is what happens to my middle kiddo at times? Anyway…communication is key, and I don’t have a yell and shout mentality with Master. I ask to speak, He listens…the world goes on. That’s the key. There is no blame on one of our rare issue-things. We talk. I share how I feel. He reacts to it calmly. Sometimes He’ll point out how my thinking is faulty. Sometimes He’ll agree that I’m on target. But always…open talking without screaming “you did this to me …”

    He *always* (as does your Sir X) says “you must be open and communicative with me at all times”…

    and that is one of the things I cherish most about this relationship and this lifestyle.

    nilla

    • aisha September 18, 2012 at 9:36 am #

      i know, it’s funny, isn’t it? you’d think this would be easy for me. But noooooo.

      It’s one of the things i cherish about the lifestyle too.

      hugs,

      aisha

  4. abby September 13, 2012 at 9:33 pm #

    Communication….right up there with trust, only much harder , I think!
    Have a terrific weekend, and store all of it in you memory so you can share…good luck with the tether!
    hugs abby

    • aisha September 18, 2012 at 9:38 am #

      Thanks, Abby!

      i think you’re right, in a way it’s easier to trust then to communicate. Unless you figure that if you trust someone, then you can communicate openly…

      Thanks for the good wishes…

      hugs,

      aisha

  5. MsConstanceExplains September 21, 2012 at 8:38 pm #

    Sometimes there are elements of dominance that require the dominant resemble a mind reader or the subject of a television sit com who can tell from the smallest of details, exactly what’s on your mind. Master Sherlock Holmes, as it were.

    What I have said in classes is, if you believe that you are truly owned, that this isn’t a game, but the concept of ownership is real, then I own the thoughts in your head already. It is both impractical and messy to try and extract them physically from your head, leaving us with the option of you TELLING ME THEM.

    In actual words.

    On the other hand, to be clear, it’s not always easy to be on the top side and ask for what you want, specifically.

    It can seem selfish.

    Well, usually does seem that way.

    It can make you vulnerable too, or at least FEEL vulnerable, which tops as a people tend to dislike.

    It can lead to us having to not only worry about our feelings but yours, too.

    If I tell you how I want something done or what I like, and you haven’t done it in the past, then you might think that I hated everything else you have done, that you should have known somehow and been doing it this way all along, or sometimes that that’s the ONLY thing I like.

    If I tell you I really like shrimp scampi, it doesn’t mean I want it every day and nothing else, and it doesn’t mean I hate your killer pot roast or the yams you make at Thanksgiving.

    So I think that, from the other side of the equation, it’s good to remember that, as much as I want you to believe this illusion, I am not actually perfect. Sometimes I don’t communicate as well as I should.

    And I actually don’t read minds.

    Now don’t go repeating that, I have a reputation to maintain.

    • aisha September 23, 2012 at 8:22 am #

      Thank you for sharing this perspective, Ms. Constance. It’s always helpful to hear from the M side of the equation.

      And of course you’re right ~ it is up to me to “hand over” my thoughts. You know, sometimes for me, that means figuring out what i AM thinking first, and then, yeah, i have to overcome a bunch of years practice in being careful what i disclose. So it’s a goal.

      And i can easily see what you mean about not wanting your slave to think that because you want something, you want that something all the time ~ i think i’d be likely to fall into that trap. As for it being selfish to say what you want ~ isn’t the beautiful dichotomy of all this the fact is that only by the Master’s willingness to “selfish” and vulnerable that the dynamic to work.

      Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. i really only disagree in one regard ~ i’m pretty sure that you do read minds!!

      aisha

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