Day 20 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

18 Sep

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Increased.  

Definitely increased.  

Not so much “over time,” i think, but because i’m growing deeper into submission with Sir X.   

It seems like there’s a flow, a pattern.  Physical submission goes up a bit, emotional submission goes up a notch, and i’m deeper into it, so physical submission can go to another level.

i didn’t feel deep emotional submission immediately on the day after COPE.  But that night, Sunday night, as i processed my feelings with Sir, shared my struggle to regain balance after the emotional intensity of COPE ~

~ as i realized that He really understood what i was saying and what i needed ~

            in that space, i opened myself to Him in new ways, and was able to feel myself become more fully His.

Last night, He upped the ante.  We were going out to dinner, i had a meeting in the late afternoon, and He had errands to run.  

Earlier in the day, He had spanked me ~ just His hand, but over the same spots that were still sore from Saturday night.  Then He let me please Him with my mouth.

i admit, i reminded Him that this left me on “simmer,” but He just laughed.

So i was expecting another pleasant evening at dinner, maybe a little play when we got home.  Instead ~

i begin to get text messages from Him, just as i’m finishing getting ready.  In slow detail, He directs me through a series of steps.  i’m required to change clothes into something that allows easy access.  

Sweater and leggings discarded.  Black dress and thigh highs on.

Heels. 

Then ~

Go to the bedroom.

Take all the antennae out of the closet.   Pick one.  

Lay it on the bed. 

i pick one of the black ones, not the one with the extra strand of steel around it.

i am trembling, my heart is racing.

His text says:

Relax.  Take your time.

Then there another series of directions, until i am prepared as He wants me.

Standing in the corner, no panties, waiting.

Those moments ~ maybe two or three minutes ~ in the corner are powerful.  i am able to settle myself, to focus on Him and my willingness to obey.

Then He is there, leading me to the bed.  

“This is the rod you picked?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Why did you pick this one?  What makes this one special?”

“Why, um, why did i… um, i don’t know, Sir.”

“You don’t know?  Then i guess we’d better find out.  Let’s try all of them.  We’ll see if you made a good choice or not.”

And He does, He tries all of them, whacking me several times with each one, commenting on how they’re different.  Some are thicker, others more flexible.  

They all hurt.

Some of them might have been a tad more stingy, but still.  They all hurt.

Finally, He pronounces the one i had picked in the first place as a good choice.  Whew.

And He uses it again, striking my ass and thighs repeatedly, just to show me how wisely i’d chosen.

Thank you, Sir.

And then, still panty-less, with my ass burning and my  pussy wet,  He puts me in the car to go to dinner.  

Ties my feet together.  

Puts the sunglasses with the painted lens on me so i can’t see.

Informs me that He’ll be ordering for me tonight.

And heads out.

Dinner is lovely.  He orders wisely for me, and i’m content.  Happy.  Delighted.

And when we come home, He ties me open on the bed, my wrists attached to my ankles, my knees spread, and He makes me cum.  There are nipple clamps and vibrators and dildos and i’m whimpering and moaning and He makes me cum.  Again and again

Ahhh…

Then He unties me, except for the leather collar and wrist cuffs, and He tucks me in bed.   i fall asleep in about 5 seconds.

It is a lovely night.

But it’s not the physical stuff that increases my submission ~ the physical stuff symbolizes it, makes it concrete and explicit.  The real increase is that my level of trust has just taken another step up.  i am more deeply, more completely, His.

*******************************

i got interested in this discussion on fetlife, since i missed the Special Interest Groups {SIGS} discussions here this Sunday.  i think Abraided’s post is interesting, and there’s lots to think about there.  

i’ve been trying to craft a response to it, but don’t have one that i feel comfortable posting there.  But ~ i agree with him that if you’re not genuine in any relationship, if you don’t trust the other person enough to be honest about who you are, it’s not going to be a great relationship.

i don’t think that means you have to tell all your vanilla friends and acquaintances that you’re kinky ~ i wouldn’t share details of my vanilla sex life with everyone.  i think you can be genuine without disclosing everything about yourself.

But aside from being genuine, i think there’s something about trust that’s different in BDSM relationship.  When i try to put it into words, i  get lost.  Need to think about it some more…

What do youall think?  

8 Responses to “Day 20 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission”

  1. ancilla_ksst September 18, 2012 at 10:36 am #

    Ohh, that sounded like a lovely night.

    I would of course agree that you should be yourself when in a relationship with someone. Otherwise, well, they are having a relationship with a fantasy person, not a real person. I think most people would agree with being authentic.

    As far as telling vanilla friends, no, it’s really not their business. They probably don’t even want to know.

    • aisha September 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

      Hi, ancilla,

      Thanks! It was a lovely night!

      Right – I mean, yes, what you’re saying makes sense too. Abraded had a bunch of other stuff he said in his post about trust – that it doesn’t need to be more in BDSM relationships, and other stuff…. but yeah, keeping something to yourself isn’t necessarily not being genuine.

      Thanks for you feedback!

      aisha

  2. abby September 18, 2012 at 11:48 am #

    Being yourself, does not mean advertising it to everyone….it is just nice to have a place, a someone who really gets you. I agree about trust, when I started to post on trust in the submissive questions I felt like I had a lot to say…starting typing and could not put it into words.
    Sounds like a wonderful evening…truly the kind that stems from fantasies!

    hugs abby

    • aisha September 20, 2012 at 3:28 pm #

      Hi, abby,

      Exactly.

      And yeah, the whole trust thing is more complex than it looks on the surface, particularly if you start comparing it to vanilla relationships. Never ending fascination…

      It was a lovely evening – yes, fantasy stuff…

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. faerie September 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm #

    OMG! I think it wouldn’t have mattered what he ordered, cause I wouldn’t have been able to eat a thing, lol.

    I’ve been thinking about trust lately too. I was just doing some reading of my own about subspace/subdrop and how committed couples tend to achieve subspace more often, the theory being the trust is stronger in those couples.

    • aisha September 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

      Lol, faerie, but you would have eaten because He would have told you to!

      Hmmm, interesting theory – sounds reasonable that more trust = more subspace. Where are the kinky researchers?

      aisha

  4. faithful September 18, 2012 at 7:24 pm #

    WOW WOW WOW.. It is so wonderful to see how he listens and responds to you and your feelings. Thank you for letting us be a witness to it!

    I agree completely on the trust in BDSM. To me that is why it is so hard to explain Master and I to those outside our world. So now I don’t try and just say it works for him and I and our relationship is not for everyone! Although my mother did call me and wish me a wonderful trip! LOL.

    ~faithful
    (48 hours till I am in his arms!)

    • aisha September 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm #

      Hey, Faithful,

      i think you’re there now – in his arms. I’m so thrilled for you…

      And thanks for your comment – you know that i love that you enjoy my experiences…

      But i’ll be thinking of you and hoping you’ll share your happiness when you get back!

      hugs,

      asiha

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