Day 30 ~ Finishing What i Started ~ 30 Days of Submission

30 Sep

Is your need to submit being met?

O, yes. 

If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again?

No.  i mean, i could be happy/content by myself, because i have been before, i don’t necessarily have to have a Dom in my life to be ok.  But i would not have a vanilla relationship.

What makes submission special to you?  

It’s not “special to me,” it’s just part of who i am.

Now, having finished that {yes, i might have been getting a bit bored with it} i’ll move on to other things.

Thank you all for the kind comments you left yesterday on my thoughts about not blogging here anymore.  i’ll answer individually too, but it’s nice to know i’d be missed, and i appreciate that.

i started this blog because i’d been required to send First Sir my masturbation fantasies.  He liked them a lot, and i enjoyed writing them.

About the same time, i discovered blogs.  

i put the two together, and aisha was born.

Back then, i didn’t even know how to create an email address in a different name.  First Sir did that for me.

i went from there to a whirlwind of adventures, with so many new experiences and feelings, i could barely process it.  The blog became a place to express my darkest fantasies (see the training fantasies} and my highest hopes.

My blog has been a place to ponder things that have happened to me, things i’ve read, things i’ve done.

Yeah.

And it still is.

Today i’m thinking about relationships.  It’s so easy to see what we think other people should do or not do.  So easy to tell them where they went wrong.

So none of our business.

If you think it’s wrong to have an affair with someone who’s married, don’t do it.  

But when you tell someone “Of course your relationship didn’t last,” because of that, you’re not only out-of-line, you’re not being rational or logical.  The belief  that a relationship couldn’t last and thrive because it began when both parties were married to someone else is simply not fact-based.

When someone says that the BDSM community is too accepting of infidelity, i can only shrug.  What does that mean?  How should we be less accepting?  What would that look like?  Perhaps it could involve a Scarlet A?

In my experience, people in the BDSM community are just like people anywhere.  Some of them are open and accepting, others just want their own desires validated, and some are as judgmental as any fundamental Christian church-goer.  

i used to think that love and marriage were supposed to be a straight line through your life.  Even though that has not been the experience of any of the women in my family, i thought that was how it was “supposed to” be.  

Shrug.

Our lives have a flow and a rhythm that we don’t always dictate.  

A number of years ago, my live-in lover cheated on me.  At the time, when i caught him, it was fairly devastating.  

In retrospect, it was the best thing that could have happened in that relationship.  

It took discovering that he was cheating for me to end the relationship, which was not actually working well.  It was just not-working in a way that i didn’t recognize as unhealthy.  But it was, and i moved on, thank goodness.

He and the little Tootsie he cheated on me with are still together, living happily-ever-after, i hope.  Well, i mostly hope.

But i can laugh about it now.  Who knows how long i would have lingered with him?  i used to think that it completely blind-sided me, but that’s because i was ignoring the fact that we didn’t have sex for almost a year.   Didn’t cuddle, didn’t share orgasms, none of that.

i was ignoring my own needs.  What was i thinking???   

My life has changed so much, has gotten so much better since then.

His little Tootsie, who was married at the time herself, had two or three special needs children, who i’m sure are benefitting from his fathering, so it was a happy ending all the way ’round.     {i guess i need to quit calling her “his little Tootsie?  O, maybe not just yet.}

Anyhow.

We’re all entitled to our opinions.  And you can say, “I’d never have an affair,” and express whatever beliefs you have about that.  But when you start going “tsk-tsk” and telling other people what they should or shouldn’t do, you’re out of line.

You don’t know where they’re going.  So you can’t possibly know what paths they need to take to get there.

Um, in my opinion.  

9 Responses to “Day 30 ~ Finishing What i Started ~ 30 Days of Submission”

  1. sin September 30, 2012 at 1:21 pm #

    See? You still have things to say…

    And thanks for being my champion. You always see the best in all of us.

    I do think it’s too easy to be judgmental when we haven’t walked in someone else’s shoes. It’s nice when life is all tidy and simple. But more often it’s messy and complicated and layered.

    If I was asked this same question, the day 30 question, about whether I could be happy and fulfilled with no submission, I don’t know what the answer would be. There are lots of great things in my life, husband, children, friends, family, job, hobbies and community. And then there’s submission. It’s a little part of me, that sexual, submissive part, but I want it too. I guess I can be happy in lots of different ways, but I think my most connected sexual feelings have been with submission.

    So where does that leave me? Not sure.

    Thinking…
    -sin

    • aisha September 30, 2012 at 3:39 pm #

      Hey, Sin,

      Well, it’s not just taking up the cudgels for you, ya know, even if you inspired it. Was also just reading over at lil’s submissive sanctuary how some of the folks who practice DD are against BDSM.

      Good grief.

      Seems like you are at one of those crossroads of life where you get to really take inventory and figure out who you are right now. i use the term “get to” loosely, because that’s usually a whole lot more of the not-good kind of pain than any of us want. But sometimes, really good things come out of it.

      Sending you lots of positive energy and good wishes ~ and you know where to find me if you want to chat.

      aisha

  2. Jz September 30, 2012 at 2:14 pm #

    I completely agree with you — and yet…

    We are all prone to rush to judgment, it’s true.
    Yet I’ve also seen a lot of people who do actually make the effort to express themselves neutrally but still end up castigated for the sting they inflicted, rather than the actual sentiments they expressed.

    There is a difference between “Judge Not” and “Express Not”.
    The trick is often in remembering that this applies to listening as well as to speaking…

    Just one woman’s opinion, of course…

    • aisha September 30, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

      Hi, Jz,

      Lots of food for thought here.

      i think i agree with you. {Even if i don’t, you know, it’s really ok. It is not actually necessary for me to agree 100% with everything the people i care about say. Just for the record.}

      And i had a whole bunch more to say, but it got too into my professional stuff, and i can’t do that here.

      Sigh.

      But i’ll say this. If you want to disagree without sounding judgmental, then talk about your own experience, your own thoughts.

      NOT like “I think people that do xyz are assholes.”

      So when i say people shouldn’t judge others, i’m actually being judgmental.

      Sigh. Yeah, i am.

      That’s why i threw on that “Um, in my opinion” at the end of this. If want to say it without being judgmental, i might say:

      i really don’t like it when people make judgments about other people that i don’t think are based on facts.

      Or i might say,

      “When i’ve made judgments about other people, i’ve found that they usually resent it, and don’t want to hear it, so it turns out to not be so helpful as i might have thought it would be.”

      Either of those would have been less judgmental than just saying “Don’t be judgmental.”

      yY,

      aisha

  3. Master Charles September 30, 2012 at 2:25 pm #

    Well said…

    • aisha September 30, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

      Thank you, Master Charles!

      aisha

  4. Wordwytch October 2, 2012 at 3:00 am #

    In many ways, once more I am nodding my head with what you have written. And to be honest, I am poly. I don’t ‘get’ monogamy in the same way others do. It’s my perspective and while it is right for me, I’d never push anyone to be this way. And, for me that includes total honesty. If someone wants to have a relationship, No Sneaking Around. Either everyone knows the score, or it doesn’t happen.

    Sometimes things happen for reasons we don’t initially understand. I get that. I really do. I also understand that you have to go with things and sometimes just let things go. It’s much better than bottling them up inside.

    Hugs dear!

    • aisha October 2, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

      Hey, Wordwytch,

      Yeah, i don’t really “get” poly, in the same way you don’t get monogamy i think. ‘nilla’s like you, and we’ve talked about that.

      i agree, ideally there’s no sneaking around – that’s important to me. But i know that sometimes that value takes a back seat to other things.

      hugs,

      aisha

      • Wordwytch October 4, 2012 at 3:19 pm #

        And the important thing all the way around is honesty and communications. Oh, and understanding just WHERE those limits are for people. I’ve been around people I love who are monogamous, and I value their ability to keep that path. Nor would I ever try to make them accept anything different. My frustration is when people insult my integrity just because I have a different value set.

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