A Little More on Shame ~ and the Munch

7 Oct

“I suppose that a lifetime spent hiding one’s erotic truth could have a cumulative renunciatory effect. Sexual shame is in itself a kind of death.”
― Alison Bechdel, Fun Home

Don’t most of us know that from experience?  That soul-eating sense of being ashamed of our own sexual desires and needs?

i think that’s part of why humiliation is so effective a tool in the Dom’s tool drawer.  It challenges the shame head on, pulls it out into the daylight, and reveals it as NOT being something to horrible, too unmentionable to look at.

The Dom touches those things that we are most ashamed of, the things that make us cringe inside and want to curl up in a ball and disappear.  Spanking, pain, submission ~ wanting to be owned, taken, used, objectified ~ 

~ in our culture, they all carry shame.

TTWD allow us to confront them head on, the demons of two a.m.   The beauty of TTWD is that, like all things that exist in the darkness, once exposed and accepted, the monsters start to lose power over us.

We begin to own them, instead of being owned by them.

When He makes us say things ~ dirty words, the words that stick in our throat, or “Thank you, Sir, may i have another please,” He makes us face the unfaceable.  We discover that we can say “cunt,” or whatever our unmentionable is, and the world does not end, we survive it, and we begin to triumph over a culture that taught us that we are ~ in our essence ~ wrong and nasty and dirty.

When we confront our own neediness our own dependence on another person ~ and for many of us, that is the most frightening ~ the good Dom helps us discover that admitting this dependence doesn’t destroy us.  That voicing the need doesn’t make Him go away.

i think i have more to say on shame, but in the meantime here’s a pretty cool article about it.  Entitled “Naming the Shame that Can Cripple,”  it says {among other things}:

…they all began the conversation by drawing a distinction between shame and guilt. Shame is a feeling or belief that screams, “I am bad.” Guilt is evidenced as, “I did something bad.” Shame is feeling worthless. Guilt is external; you can fix it. Specifically, shame is, “I am damaged.


But enough of that ~ i want to tell you about the munch last night.  

 It was the 15th anniversary of munches in Where-i-Live, and there were a zillion people there. 

Ms. Constance looked festive and lovely  – her top was a swirling pattern of greens, and she was seated at the main table like the Queen Bee she is, looking as relaxed and sparkly as if she hadn’t been slaving over this event for weeks.  We got there early, but the seats at her table were already taken ~ i’m thinking people may have camped out the night before to get them.  {Just kidding ~ i think.}

Sir and i found seats further back in the room and enjoyed watching folks come and go, chatting with people we knew.

Slave Drew was wearing his Eisenhower jacket ~ no, i didn’t know that’s what it was, Sir told me.  While Ms. Constance draws people to her side, drew wanders from table to table, visiting here and there, making people feel welcome, .   Like a social butterfly, which seems a funny contrast to his quirky and sometimes cynical take on the world.  It’s fun talking to him, and watching him “flit” from table to table.   

“Everyone who is anyone” is there, for real, many of us dressed up in our best vanilla kink wear, if you know what i mean.  i wore my little black dress, but ruined the effect {i think} by keeping my shawl on to keep from freezing in the air conditioning.  Thigh-hi’s and heels, so my legs looked good anyhow.  Or not bad.  

Sir had me wear the lavender collar, with my huge lock, of course, and that looked nice.  i often get compliments on that.

Sir D was there ~  remember Sir D, from a really long time ago?  Sir D, who introduced me to rope and public play?  Yeah, that Sir D.  He stopped by our table and said hello, which was nice.  He looked good, like he was happy and healthy, and i’m glad of that.  

The food at the venue is still not my cup of tea, and never will be, but that’s ok. We hadn’t planned far enough ahead to eat somewhere else, which would have been better.

There was a party after the munch, but you’ll have to go to Ms. Constance’s blog to read about it.  We decided not to go, and actually left the munch a bit early.  Sir went to get the car, because really, i can’t walk blocks in my heels anymore.

i sat and chatted with Ms. Constance, and K, who’s famous for her fabulous cookies, and J, who by some quirk of strange fate actually lives in the same neighborhood i do.  i just want to say publicly here that K was wearing a green top that matched her eyes and made them look an incredibly beautiful deep green.  She should always wear green.

And i’m a little jealous of J, who has gutter guards on his house, but that’s a whole different kind of blog, right?

There were other people, some of whom we talked with and some we didn’t have a chance to hang out with.    H, a submissive woman i hadn’t seen in ages, was there with her new Dom, but there was no time to hear details.

Overall, it was a good time anyhow.  i did sort of compare where i am now with where i was back when i was seeing Sir D.  i was so new then, so scared i’d do something wrong.  Sooooo much anxiety.

i’m so much more comfortable now, so much happier.  Still appreciative of him showing me the ropes, so to speak.  {Mwahahahahahahaha… pun totally intended!}  So i’m not saying anything was bad back then, just that my journey has taken me so far beyond where i was then.  i hope Sir D is finding lots of joy in his life too.

10 Responses to “A Little More on Shame ~ and the Munch”

  1. vanillamom October 7, 2012 at 10:09 am #

    You’ve come a long, long way, sis. 🙂
    yay for 15 years of Munches, and hoping Ms. C raised a lot of money, to raise a roof for Ya’ll to play in!



    • aisha October 8, 2012 at 8:26 am #

      No doubt ~ it’s amazing how much my life has changed…

      i think some money was raised, so that’s good news!



  2. Kitty the Submissive Wife October 7, 2012 at 10:46 am #

    I have only been here for a while, but I have already seen a pattern emerge to these relationships. And I know that sometimes the first can not be the permanent. But how nice it is to get started. A lovely tale of a good night out.

    As for the shame stuff – pushing our boundaries is really about all of this – but I wonder if men feel it as intensely as us gals do? H either hides it well or just doesn’t seem to.

    • aisha October 8, 2012 at 8:36 am #

      Hi, Kitty,

      Yes, you’re so right. It takes a while to find the D/s relationship that works, every bit as much as when we start dating as teenagers. i’m glad you enjoyed my story.

      i hear what you’re saying about shame – i think it’s a dominant/submissive difference rather than a male/female thing. In the D/s dynamic, whatever shame the D feels is going to be different, i think. i suspect many of them feel shame about wanting to beat people, at least at some point in their lives.



  3. ancilla_ksst October 7, 2012 at 11:47 am #

    I don’t think men feel shame about the same things we do. I’m basing this on talking about humiliation with men and women. Frequently women feel shame about their sexual feelings, so talking dirty is a big one for us. Men really don’t, they are expected to have sexual natures. They get humiliated by being made to feel small, low, worthless, impotent. Having a women make fun of their tiny cock (whether it is or not) will often be the humiliation a man craves. Insulting a women’s physical features is unlikely to make her feel humiliation in a good way. More likely she’ll just be mad. Telling her she is a dirty slut, well, that is hot to those of us who like that sort of thing.

    • vanillamom October 8, 2012 at 8:00 am #

      @ ancilla….smiling as I read your comment…I called Master yesterday and He answered the phone “what do you want, cunt?” Something that He rarely does…and makes it all the more effective when He does…It made me…cringe a bit…and giggle a bit…and wet…a lot.


    • aisha October 8, 2012 at 8:39 am #

      Yeah, i think you make a good point, ancilla.

      i guess i think submissives experience shame around some things, different things based on wether they’re male or femaile, and that Dominants feel shame, or may feel shame, about a different set of things, with differences between men and women.

      Does that make sense? i don’t know if that’s how it works or not, of course, but that’s my theory.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts,


  4. striving for peace October 7, 2012 at 7:21 pm #

    Sir D was an important part of getting you where you are today

    it’s nice to get that bit of closure – no? — all that “I’m ok — and you’re OK ” and having that bit of distance.

    good stuff.


    • aisha October 8, 2012 at 8:46 am #

      Hi, Sfp,

      Yes, he sure was… no doubt.

      And it was a nice kind of closure, for me, and i hope for him. Yeah.

      Thanks, sister.


  5. Wordwytch October 8, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

    Interesting post as always. I find it so interesting how we crave certain things and yet get there only through our Doms.

    The munch sounded wonderful. 🙂

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