Questions for Dominants {Part II}

8 Oct

What’s the best thing about being dominant, outside of play?

“Self-confidence.”  Sir says that ‘s the best thing.  

It could even be the quality a dominant  most needs to posses.  i can’t imagine a dominant without it.

“Confidence in oneself and one’s abilities.”  

That’s the definition, and really, i can hardly think of anything worse than someone trying to dominate me who’s not sure of what he or she is doing.   i guess lack of it could be the most detrimental thing for a dominant.

That doesn’t mean they have to be skilled at everything.  They could be in the middle of learning something and practice on me.  That wouldn’t undermine the dynamic.

But they would need to have the self-onfidence to say they were practicing.  If they pretended to be an expert, and weren’t, that would be a real problem for me.

And they need confidence in their ability to master the skill.  As they practice, i want to feel comfortable and safe.

So they need a certain amount of skill to back up whatever they’re trying.   Over confidence in  rope suspension, or knife play, could really damage me.

{You see how these questions are going, right?  Sir gives a simple, direct answer, and i wander around with it….}

Are there parts of a submissive or slave’s life that you feel a dominant shouldn’t exert influence over?

Sir said, “Yes. Personal career growth.”  i was nodding agreement, and He thought a minute before He added, “Family – relationships with grown children who aren’t my children.”

i was nodding on that one too.  Those may not be the best answers for everyone, but they are for me.

There was a Dom i knew once, we were just talking on-line, but he used to talk about how he was going to have me wear a butt-plug at work.  Or one of those remote control vibrators, and when he’d text me, i’d have to turn it on no matter what i was doing.

i’m sure that would work well for some people.  However.  In my work, i need to be mentally and emotionally present for the client i’m seeing.  If someone is telling me details of their life story, it would not be ok for me to be distracted by a butt plug.  It just wouldn’t.

Beyond that, no one else could tell me what career path to follow.  They just couldn’t.  Finding my way through that is part of my own spiritual journey.

So i’m nodding agreement.  Sir thinks for a minute and goes on to say, “We may have some interaction around those things, i may give advice or guidance, but not control. If I suggest something in those area, i expect you to listen, but you may or may not do what I’m suggesting.”

We talk about that a little bit, different circumstances i’ve been in and how his  advice or thoughts on it have been helpful to me.  He really listens to me, and offers suggestion in an indirect way.  He tells stories, or shares His own experience, and that works well for me.  i’m eager to learn what He offers, even i decide it doesn’t apply to my situation.

Finally, He says, “If something relates to me directly, or to the house, I’m comfortable telling you what I want.  And I’m confident you’ll do it.  I like to give you freedom within a task –  you don’t need to be micro-managed.”

He adds, “I’m confident you can do it well, and if you can’t, ~ well, you know, you’ll pay with your ass, right?”   He laughs, and i do too, but really?

That’s really right, isn’t it?  i don’t have to worry so much about whether i’ve done it exactly right or not.  If i haven’t, i’ll pay with my ass.  

And if i do, if i do the task perfectly?    i’ll still pay with my ass.  “There’s no logic here,” He says.  “Either way, you pay with your ass.”

And that works just fine for both of us.

8 Responses to “Questions for Dominants {Part II}”

  1. vanillamom October 8, 2012 at 8:18 am #

    M and I were just talking about that obliquely last night…that last part “there is no logic here…you’ll *still* pay with your ass”…

    that’s the part that thrills…one part is punishment play, the other is “just because they want it that way” and its doesn’t carry the stigma of punishment, but of Their wants, needs, or desires at that moment in time.

    I made an offhand comment to M and He replied that it didn’t really matter what I thought about what I was saying because our dynamic is not based on equality. It was said calmly, matter of factly, just “this is how it is nilla, you silly slut.” in His tone.

    Oh. Right. Heh. heh. See? Sometimes things go along and I’m so comfortable I forget that there is a power imbalance…yet it is perfectly balanced for me. 🙂


    • aisha October 9, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

      Right, ‘Nilla, exactly.

      And you know Sir is really big on making it illogical. We were talking about me asking for something the other day, and He was like, “Well, it doesn’t really matter how you ask for it, there isn’t a right way.”

      I was all indignant, and He just laughed. “Well, at least you don’t have to worry about it. Just know that however you do it, you’ll be wrong, and you’ll pay with your ass.”

      I couldn’t help laughing, but there’s something deeper at work there too. Don’t ask me to explain, but some deep sense of relief.




      • vanillamom October 9, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

        yes. I grok. There is no “right” way…it’s whatever it is at the moment of delivery…so you don’t have to rehearse ahead of time…you can just speak…and know…it’s His to own!

  2. Kitty the Submissive Wife October 8, 2012 at 9:40 am #

    I love this one aisha. I think you are absolutely right on the career things as well. Inherent in that answer is that even thought it is not equal, there is still respect for both parties. Very nice.

    • aisha October 9, 2012 at 1:09 pm #

      Hi, kitty,

      i’m glad you liked it!

      And yeah, respect is key i think. In the real world anyhow – well, everywhere really, but you could do so much damage through disrespect in someone’s face-to-face life.

      If that even makes sense….



  3. Wordwytch October 8, 2012 at 5:08 pm #

    It also comes down to something that Wolf said… There is time for play (D/s) and there is time for life. Sometimes they mix, sometimes they don’t. The key is knowing which is which.

    • aisha October 9, 2012 at 1:09 pm #

      Hey, Wordwytch,

      And isn’t that always true? The trickiness of being able to distinguish the right time and place… yeah.


      • Wordwytch October 9, 2012 at 6:32 pm #

        Agreed. And some days, Doms are sneaky bastards and tease in totally inappropriate places. Can we say rumble strips?

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