Questions for Dominants {Part III}

9 Oct

Have you had relationships which evolved from vanilla to kinky?

Sir says, “Yes, my last marriage started vanilla and we added kink over time.”

How many people in your social circle, if any, are aware of your lifestyle?

Sir says, “A couple – well 5 or 6 or 7.  Not details, but they know ‘He likes to tie up women.’

This cracks me up, the way he’s described his buddies’ reactions to this information.  Disbelief initially, and then a bewildered acceptance.

He tells the story sometimes of  being with his friends when they’re talking about women and such, and the subject comes up.   His oldest and  best friend might remind the others, some of them younger, all vanilla:

“Well, you know how X is, he likes to tie those women up.”

And Sir X shakes his head and says patiently, “Only if they want me to, ya know, only if they want me to.”

Do you, or would you, have intimate vanilla relationships as well as kinky ones?

Sir says, “Well, you know I don’t.  And I don’t think I would, no. Not with different people now, that’s for sure.”

He was going to leave it there, but i pushed, “What if i get hit by a bus tomorrow?  Would you then?”

Of course, He immediately says i better not get hit by a bus, not tomorrow and not any time for that matter.  i promise i won’t, and then He goes on to say:

“No, I wouldn’t have a vanilla relationship then either.  I’m done with vanilla.  It’s like it closes off an area of the brain.   So it would have to be someone who was at  least kink aware.  Someone who was into some of it.”

i’m intrigued by the idea that limiting yourself to vanilla relationships actually closes off part of the brain.  It might, you know.  Where’s the research on it???

Do you have rituals and protocols that you require your submissive(s) to follow?

“Not really,” Sir says.  “There are things we do. Things I expect.  Openness. That’s really important.  Not rejection. If I touch you, I expect you to be open to that.  If you were suddenly like, “No, don’t touch me,” that would be a problem.

But you know I don’t have a lot of rules or requirements.  Submissiveness is the only requirement.”

Actually, when i push a little bit on that, it turns out there are other things i do that He particularly likes, and if i suddenly quit doing them, it would be a problem.  But they’re not so much things that he asked for as things that i offer.

So i call Him “Sir,” most of the time, actually.   He says He wants that, expects that. i imagine someday i’ll accidentally do it in front of family, and smile it away so no one will be too shocked.  

And there are all kinds of rituals we’ve developed,  from coffee preparation to taking His shoes off at night, to Him tucking me in bed if i go to bed before Him.

They aren’t chipped in concrete ~ for example, on Saturday morning, when i go to my volunteer gig and He sleeps in,  He’s on His own for coffee.  Yes, i brew it and leave his cup and two sweet and lo’s next to the cup, so He knows i was thinking of HIm.  

But common sense is involved.  The rituals are meant to please, more so than restrict.

The rituals serve a purpose.  They keep us connected and focused on each other, which is essential to a BDSM relationship ~ at least one where we live together.   

If the Buddha Married, has a chapter on that too, the need for and value in focusing on each other, on “us.”  {What a wonderful book, thank you, Andi, for suggesting it.  i dip into it in bits and pieces, and am loving it.}

The rituals and protocols Sir and i have are perfect for us, of course, and probably wouldn’t be for someone else.  But they’ve developed organically, and maybe that’s part of why they work.

Don’t get the idea that i picked them or devised them by myself.  Sir guides me gently, subtly sometimes, but firmly enough that i know He is in control.  He encourages me to express my submission in ways that come from deep inside myself.

He accepts or rejects what i offer, rejecting gently and redirecting me kindly so i’m not crushed, but making sure that i’m acting in ways that are pleasing to Him.  Which pleases me and ~

~ inspires me to find new ways to please Him.

How cool is that?

13 Responses to “Questions for Dominants {Part III}”

  1. dancingbarez October 9, 2012 at 9:43 am #

    It is very cool indeed and I love hearing about it. I think when you are first new to this you expect everything to be big… your face dominance & submission but as we progress the little day to day things really become the focus and what keeps us in the right mindset. .

    • aisha October 10, 2012 at 4:28 pm #

      Thanks, dancingbarez, i think you’re so right – i think i wanted subspace all the time. And really, that’s not sustainable.

      i’m glad you’re enjoying it!


  2. ancilla_ksst October 9, 2012 at 9:49 am #

    I agree, very cool. It sounds very easy and natural the way you put it.

    • aisha October 10, 2012 at 4:29 pm #

      Hi, ancilla,

      Funny, as i’ve been writing these posts it’s surprised me a bit to realize how easy and natural it feels. 🙂


  3. yesthankyousir October 9, 2012 at 9:57 am #

    I was thinking of you calling him Sir on a regular basis. It reminded me of a relationship I was in. I had called him by the D/s name we preferred for so long, that now its so strange to refer to him by his given name. Actually the first time I said his name in conversation we looked at one another in amazement. It was a funny moment, almost like when a child curses for the first time. I too always had the fear of using our D/s terms in the everyday situation.

    You’re welcome about the book, it was such a treasure to me. Time to reread I think.

    Lots of love

    • aisha October 10, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

      Hi, andi,

      That’s funny! i can imagine your discomfort and amusement with the name thing!

      As for the book ~ Sir is reading it too, which makes it especially lovely.

      hugs and love,


  4. faithful October 9, 2012 at 1:44 pm #

    Great post and nice to hear your Sir’s thoughts/comments. Master and I are similar, more organically with rituals as well , partly because of our LDR and partly because of Master’s upcoming Deployment (yep.. 1 year- heavy sigh- but so proud of his commitment). He is all about the gently guiding on what pleases him and then I am of course more apt to continue to do those little things each day. We actually are more Vanilla in our relationship now than ever over the last 2.75 years , however as expected with his preparing to go away (and return!) and the severity of the danger aspect of same. I am grateful for having normalcy at this so critical time in our lives and somehow pouring on the D/s wouldn’t be right. I take his cue daily on what he needs my submission to be like, knowing that it is most important to keep him strong and focused on the tasks ahead and not worrying about me.

    Well – didn’t mean to turn this to a post about my life 🙂 but the end result is the same.

    He inspires me to find new ways to please him too!.


    • Master Charles October 10, 2012 at 8:52 am #

      Wow, faithful…that moved me deeply. Thank your Master on My behalf for His commitment to our country, and thank you for your commitment to Him. You are doing your part in what makes our nation a whole and proud people.

    • aisha October 10, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

      Hi, faithful,

      i can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for both of you. I’m glad that you’re able to be there for him now in a way that feels right for each of you.

      My thoughts and prayers are with you both.



  5. little monkey October 9, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

    It’s funny sometimes how the topics we choose, here in our little bloggerhood, exhibit an odd synergy.

    I’ve been thinking lots about possibilities, the future, and what I will and won’t accept. Your Sir X put it so well, better than I could have…“I’m done with vanilla. It’s like it closes off an area of the brain. So it would have to be someone who was at least kink aware. Someone who was into some of it.”

    My perception is that denying that part of me does shut something down, and I just wrote about not ever accepting that state again. I will not willing shat that part of me back down.

    Perhaps you should do the research about limiting and the brain,aisha?

    • little monkey October 9, 2012 at 2:57 pm #

      hmmm…Freudian slip or vile typing skills? Shut, not shat…”shut that part of me back down”. so sorry.

      • Master Charles October 10, 2012 at 8:53 am #

        Oh, that was FUNNY!

    • aisha October 10, 2012 at 4:49 pm #

      Hi LM,

      i love the way it happens, when those themes weave their way in and out of different blogs, each of us bringing our own particular twist to it, spinning the tale a slightly different way. Yeah.

      And I think you’re both right – denying who we are shuts something down.

      Or shats it down – either one. lol… i didn’t even notice that til your second comment!

      i don’t think that particular research is my cup of tea, but it’s begging to be done. In fact, it may have already been done. Now that I know they’ve researched the effect of reading Jane Austen on brain functioning, anything is possible!

      Thanks, LM.


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