Part IV ~ Questions for Dominants

10 Oct

In your most significant relationship(s), do you or did you have a contract?

 Sir says, “Not written – we have a deep understanding, but we don’t have it written down.  With pain, I’m very protective, very concerned for safety. We have some clear parameters.”

That’s true for sure.  i can remember, before i got involved with Sir, reading about people who didn’t have safewords and feeling ~ a bit worried for them.  As if they were just not using good judgement.  

Sir goes on to point out that i trust him, and because of that trust, i leave a lot to him.  

That is easier for me to do because there is not a lot of sadist in Him.  He enjoys spanking me, enjoys making me squirm, moan, and gasp, but i don’t sense a desire on His part to really hurt me.  Of course, it’s early days in our relationship, and the sadist may emerge as we go along.  But i still can’t imagine needing a safe word.

Along those same lines, Sir goes on to say, “Contracts are more important if trust is not there. Some people use contracts and negotiations to further their own agenda – that might be helpful, but it’s not always necessary.”

It took me a minute, looking at my notes as i write this now, to remember what i think  He meant by that.  i think He meant that some people have a goal, a destination, and things that they want already planned out, and a contract helps them move in that direction.

i don’t think He does ~ don’t think He did.  i think He develops a plan as we go along, but i don’t think He came to the relationship with some preconceived notion of what He wanted it to look like.  

Finally, He said that He sees a contract as ” a safety net for a lot of submissives.  I think a contract is  more for submissives than Doms – it gives them control where they would lack it, and creates safety.”

When we first started living together, i kind of wanted a contract.  i was still afraid that He didn’t really want to be my Dominant, that when He moved in, we’d just slip into some kind of vanilla relationship in which i was responsible for trying to keep Him happy and satisfied.

{i read what i wrote and think, hmmmm, i might have some issues about relationships.}

Back then, i thought a contract would protect the D/s dynamic, and give me a chance to see if He was going to just turn out to be dominating, rather than Dominant.

But He was so unreceptive to the idea, that i let it go.  Thank goodness, He is not like that at all, and i was worried for nothing.  Now, i can’t imagine what we would put in a contract.  

This is a love story.  He loves me in that way that motivates Him to do the right thing for me, regardless of whether it is what i want, or even what He wants.  

Hmmmm.

Ok, i think i just had this insight.  See if this sounds right.

In my work, and with friends and family, i am responsible for all kinds of things.  It’s up to me to figure out how to bring my self to the relationship or the situation and how to manage whatever happens there.  That’s not a burden, it’s mostly a pleasure, but i am responsible for figuring out what i want to do, where i want to go.

i may ask Sir’s opinion, keep Him filled in on situations. i appreciate His perspective and wisdom, so that’s easy to do.  But whether or not i take His advice is up to me.  

In my relationship with Him, it’s different.  He is the leader.  i don’t have to worry about  where we’re headed or how we’re going to get there.  i just need to be as totally myself with Him as i’m able to be ~ in touch with the deepest part of myself, opening that part of myself to Him.

And then i need to obey Him.  That’s it.

And if that idea sends shivers through me that run straight to my pussy?  Well, that’s just the bonus i get for being a good girl.

14 Responses to “Part IV ~ Questions for Dominants”

  1. Master Charles October 10, 2012 at 8:42 am #

    I thought the same thing about a contract, that it was to protect the sub, but when My sub and I have a couple’s fight; she loses her D/s dynamic and we go vanilla until the dust settles. We do not live together and she has children that she needs to focus on; so I do not press my Dominance because of the impact I have on her, and let her run off the reservation for a while. Then she comes back in submission and we talk. This is less frequent and less severe the further we travel our journey in D/s.

    Regardless, it is painful to Me as a Dom to lose that control and feel the insult of losing My submissive’s respect as she refers to me by my given name, and not Sir or Master. I considered a contract for the first time to protect My feelings and not allow her to go vanilla in such a manner, but I did not pursue it because trust and understanding are more powerful than a contract, in My view. The greater control is exercised by Me in that she has no where else to go as a sub in the throws of a pity party. She will come back to Me in submission.

    I honor and understand the value of a contract, but like Sir X; I also understand the flexibility people need in a loving relationship.

    • aisha October 11, 2012 at 1:38 pm #

      H, Master Charles,

      I can sure understand why that would be painful for you, and admire your willingness to give her space when she needs it. It sounds like over time this will naturally happen less and less.

      Thanks for sharing your perspective,

      aisha

  2. SirQsmlb October 10, 2012 at 9:11 am #

    I am enjoying hearing a Dom’s perspective, but also love you addition and explanation!

    • aisha October 11, 2012 at 1:47 pm #

      Thank you, SirQsmlb!

      aisha

  3. Kitty the Submissive Wife October 10, 2012 at 10:09 am #

    Hmmm… I know contracts are not for everyone, but I am glad that we have one. It has helped protect our previous great relationship as we transition through all of this. So, we weren’t facing a lack of trust, but a worry of the unknown. Different situation though; having already been married seven years at D/s on-set. 🙂

    • aisha October 11, 2012 at 1:50 pm #

      Hi, Kitty,

      That makes perfect sense to me – that kind of change in a relationship has got to be tricky! I can sure see why it would be helpful to have a blueprint to follow.

      🙂

      aisha

  4. MsConstanceExplains October 10, 2012 at 1:10 pm #

    I really enjoyed thi8s post, and I’m really glad to hear some other perspectives on the questions.

    I do think I left one out, and I’d not have known it, were it not for this post and that is this:

    Do you have a safeword in your current relationship(s), or have you had one in the past? In what situations, if any, are a safeword not needed? Does a safeword count outside of play, and if so, are there circumstances in which you could foresee not heeding it, in that situation?

    Now I have to scurry off and add that to MY list.

    But I really did enjoy this, and I think it’s quite insightful.

    I have been told that for people who are not naturally or always submissive, it can be a relief to know that they CAN let go, stop worrying, trust that the other person is competent and will make good and rational judgements that involve both parties.

    • Master Charles October 10, 2012 at 6:01 pm #

      Ms Constance,

      I have instructed My sub to use the safe word any time she feels she needs relief from My domination. She has a life outside our relationship, and I can be overwhelming. I need for My sub to feel safe at all times…even from Me if need be.

    • aisha October 11, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

      Hi, Ms, Constance,

      Glad you liked it, and delighted that you added to your questions based on my post!!

      aisha

  5. Wordwytch October 10, 2012 at 7:12 pm #

    We don’t have a contract. Our D/s relationship just sort of evolved, and there has been a lot of discussion about limits and such, which takes care of a lot of stuff that a contract might cover.

    As for a safeword,… I have one. Main reason is that I know I have some ‘bad tapes’ due to the ex, and we’ve been working on ‘erasing’ those tapes. And as with all things like that, sometimes it can go wonky before you know it. I think I’ve used it once in eight years.

    • aisha October 11, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

      Hi, Wordwytch,

      i can imagine you two working things out in lovely ways.

      So many of us are overcoming “bad tapes” of some sort – good point that a safe word can provide security for when one gets triggered. Thanks for pointing that out.

      hugs

      aisha

      • Wordwytch October 11, 2012 at 2:59 pm #

        We do. Some days I think there is more talk than sex, and that’s okay. Other days there is talk, sex, holding, cuddling and more holding. It’s taken 8 years to get where we are.

        Bad tapes suck. Literally. You can go on just fine, hit one and be back at square one. Ugh! And they don’t just come up in sex. A while back, Wolf was ‘pushing buttons’ and I was getting upset and couldn’t understand why. So, I crawled into my den and thought about it. After a while I realized it was a bad tape. The ex would always say, “Just a minute. I’ll be there in just a minute” when he didn’t mean it, and put me off. Wolf had things stressing him out with work, and so he was saying “Just a minute,” and then getting more and more delayed when things didn’t work. When I realized this, I got him to stop, take a deep breath, explain what was going on and when he thought he’d be finished as he was holding up mutual plans. We talked, he said I have no idea, and I changed plans. We work very hard not to use the phrase “just a minute” if we don’t mean to honor it.

  6. yesthankyousir October 11, 2012 at 8:42 am #

    “In my relationship with Him, it’s different. He is the leader. i don’t have to worry about where we’re headed or how we’re going to get there. i just need to be as totally myself with Him as i’m able to be ~ in touch with the deepest part of myself, opening that part of myself to Him.”

    This part here reminded me of the time you were headed to his house. When he would text you to leave, stop at Starbucks ….. you were anxious of not being there on time or missing something along the way (a turn etc) I feel your trust for him, in varying shades, has been a bit obvious from the start.

    • aisha October 11, 2012 at 2:05 pm #

      Hey, Andi,

      Laughing… you’re so right. i started trusting him early, didn’t i? It has grown so much though. It just keeps getting deeper.

      Thanks for sharing that insight, it helped increase my awareness!

      hugs,

      aisha

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