Intuitive?

19 Oct

“To me, a witch is a woman who is capable of letting her intuition take hold of her actions, who communes with her environment, who isn’t afraid of facing challenges.” 
― Paulo Coelho

Disconnected.

Writing about intuition yesterday, i felt disconnected.  As if it had nothing to do with me.

That makes no sense.

Good grief, how do i think i do therapy?  That’s an intuitive art for me, with some science to hold it up, and i’m very skilled at it and how odd that i would i not be able to see that yesterday.

Of course, there was that watershed of change in my life about four months ago, and really, hardly anything around me is the same as it was in May.  Not my job, not my living situation, not my family.

It is almost all better ~ and all changed.

i am learning myself all over again.

When CS and i went out to lunch with Ms. Constance ~ we both got there before she did.  i browsed in the book store next door for a bit, and when i came out, there’s CS window shopping at the antique store on the other side of the restaurant.

She says she’d waited to go in because she wasn’t sure if Ms. Constance wanted to sit inside or outside, and she didn’t want to decide.  So we both wait for Ms. Constance to get there, watching her zip into the parking spot that miraculously opens up right in front of the restaurant, right when she gets there.

For the record, i don’t usually do that ~ wait to sit down.  Usually, if i get to the restaurant ahead of Ms. Constance, i go ahead and get a table, and offer to move if she wants to sit somewhere else.  

Not a big deal either way.  But standing there with CS in front of the restaurant, i realized i didn’t know where i wanted to sit.  Not only didn’t care, really didn’t know what i wanted.

It is as if i’m getting to know myself all over again.

When i got divorced the first time, it was after 16 years of a difficult marriage.  At first, on my own with my daughter, i felt like i was living in a vacuum.  

Not in a bad way, but i had gotten so used to constant pressure outside me, around me ~ pressure that often threatened to swallow who i was, consume me in its own burning need for ~ well, for whatever it needed or wanted.  i was used to pushing back, having to work all the time to create space around me so i could breathe.

When the pressure was gone, it took me a while to figure out how to stand alone without reacting to my ex.  Just to figure out where i stood ~ what i wanted, what i needed.

So when i was married, the question was most often, “What does he want, and can i live with that?”

On my own, the question became, “What do i want?  And how can i get that, do that, be that?”  Rediscovering myself was scary, exciting, and eventually rewarding.

In kind of the same way, my job has shaped the last 15 years of my life.   Like my ex, the organization would have preferred to consume me, and  the question was often, “What do they want me to do, and is that something i can live with?  How do i make this work so it meets their needs and lets me breathe and grow too?”

i am used to that.  Used to pushing back.

Now, that particular external pressure is gone.  i can design my own life, create my own structure, uncover my own path.

That’s a lot.

i need time to unfold, to find this part of myself.  Being a {recovering} perfectionist, i want it to be complete now ~ i want my self to be complete now.

i’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that.

Yeah, i don’t know where i’m going with this post, except that as i write it, i feel myself reconnecting with the part of myself i’m trying to grow.

This part ~

“Intuition is seeing with the soul.” 
― Dean Koontz

15 Responses to “Intuitive?”

  1. thesubmissivebf October 19, 2012 at 7:43 am #

    This is your time to flourish 🙂
    Lovely post
    butterfly

    • aisha October 22, 2012 at 9:30 am #

      Thank you, Butterfly, I think you’re sooo right about this being my time! 🙂

      aisha

  2. yesthankyousir October 19, 2012 at 1:18 pm #

    A little on intuition, I feel that part of it is environmental. As a child intuition would often tell me the family was in for a bad cycle. Example: coming home from school to find dad home, passed out, five days in a row. The next 6-18 months we would struggle, because he had lost or quit his job. Now this was dads cycle, he would work for a while and then quit leaving us to struggle. Intuition came in because I could always tell two months before that he would soon be leaving his new job. Not sure if it was small signs like his behavior or attitude changing. Or if I always expected him to abandon us.

    There have been times, very often actually I just knew something was going to happen. I knew who it was, what it was and when. I’ve only been wrong once. Ive also been able to let people know when they are pregnant. Though that is probably more along the lines of perception than intuition.

    I also feel that people allow the fear of being wrong to cloud their intuitive nature. We deal with so many stimulations every second of the day that it is near impossible to find a quiet moment. Both within ourselves and in an outside setting.

    • aisha October 22, 2012 at 9:37 am #

      Hi, Andi,

      Thanks so much for sharing your experience, that’s really interesting. i can imagine you as a child, knowing what was coming, and hope that helped in some way.

      i think you’re right too that fear of being wrong stifles us, keeps us from accepting the intuitive truths we perceive.

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. jade October 19, 2012 at 1:46 pm #

    (grins) i really, really, really wanted to write yesterday to tell you *of course* you use intuition with your work. And with your friends. And that you trust your perceptions and intuitions and respect the rights of people to see it—or not.

    Yes. i really wanted to say all of that but my intuition told me to *shut up* and you would see this clearly on your own. 🙂

    You have trusted yourself through a lot of experiences in life and did not give up on yourself or the people you love. This is what i think we have intuition for….to keep reaching out…and to know who to back away from.

    The questions we have to ask in life are sometimes more illuminating than the answers. It might tell us more than any answer we could come up with. The answer is an attempt to be rational in circumstances that are not. The questions that come up are actually very telling.

    Questions are intuitive in their own way….and i think you made that connection today.

    hugs to you,
    jade

    • aisha October 22, 2012 at 10:04 am #

      Hey, Jade,

      And one of the marks of a good intuitive therapist is knowing when not to say anything. Yep. Nice work. 🙂

      I also really agree about questions. Really, it’s what we ask that determines the paths we take, isn’t it?

      hugs,

      aisha

  4. vanillamom October 19, 2012 at 2:24 pm #

    I’m with Jade on this one…You are one of the most incredibly intuitive persons that I know. And I’m having a big ole attack of the stupids today, so if this comes out badly..bear that in mind…but having met you, talked to you..you see people. You see, okay, not their skeletons (can you? giggle)…but that they may be dodging a question, or holding back…you just made me so comfortable when we were together. We knew each other from here, of course, but it’s not the same as a live body…yet I felt comfortable around you, and we talked (and talked)…I think that really speaks to you being able to put your inner knowledge to use…intuitively.

    so to stop blabbing…inanely…Jade has the right of it!

    Hugs

    nilla

    • aisha October 22, 2012 at 10:06 am #

      Thanks, ‘nilla. Laughing… no, i don’t see skeletons. But yeah, sometimes, i might be able to tell what’s going on with someone. We were really comfortable with each other, but i think that was as much you as it was me. Just saying.

      And that darn Jade is right more often than she knows, isn’t she? {grinning}

      hugs,

      aisha

  5. SirQsMLB October 19, 2012 at 11:12 pm #

    I do love what Jade said and her insights into questions being intuitive in their own rights is dead on. I LOVE that you are a *recovering* perfectionist…LMAO!!! The lovely thing about blogging is that it also gives you a place to … find yourself. Writing provides a way of locating clarity, fleshing it out, researching and making that new found clarity part of you. It gives us a way to understand ourselves. Thanks for letting us join you on your journey to finding your new you. You give us questions to ask about ourselves along the way. We all end up further along the journey of self-discovery for your efforts.

    • aisha October 22, 2012 at 10:11 am #

      Hi, SirQsMLB,

      You’re so right about blogging. There’s some saying – hang on, i’ll have to go google it – oh, shoot, never mind, it’s not like i remembered it being. But for what it’s worth:

      “Reading maketh a full man; conference a ready man; and writing an exact man.” Francis Bacon

      Anyhow. Yeah. Writing is a wonderful way to deepen your understanding and find meaning.

      i’m glad you’re with me on the journey – it would be lonesome by myself. 🙂

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. sin October 20, 2012 at 7:42 am #

    I agree with what Jade and Nilla said here. Of course you’re intuitive. But maybe, as you suggest, you aren’t quite accustomed to the changes that you are going through, so you’re having to work harder to intuit/interpret things?

    -sin

    • aisha October 22, 2012 at 10:13 am #

      Hey, Sin,

      Thanks for the support. Yeah, I think that was part of it Plus, when I wrote this I was struggling with the effect of having responded to something from the heart – which has an element of intuition, right? And then it blew up in my face, so to speak, if i want to be overly dramatic about it. So also not trusting myself so much in general

      Thanks.

      aisha

  7. Wordwytch October 20, 2012 at 11:03 pm #

    Sometimes, you just have to hit the reset button and see where things land. Sometimes other things hit the reset button and that takes a little longer to get a grasp or hold on it. You’ll be okay. You’ll find yourself.

    Lots of hugs.

    • aisha October 22, 2012 at 10:14 am #

      Hey, Wordwytch,

      Thanks! Oh, I know I’ll find myself, I’ve been in an ongoing process of doing that for about 50 years now. That’s half the fun of life, only sometimes, it’s more fun than others. 🙂

      hugs,

      aisha

      • Wordwytch October 22, 2012 at 10:20 pm #

        Agreed. 🙂 I’m sort of in the same process right now. We are close to the same age, you, Nilla and me.

        And right now, I’ve hit that reset button and hoping like hell that I survive the ride. 🙂

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