My Friend

23 Oct

My friend Sfp, over at Jumping On In, has been the foster mother of a baby boy.  He’s just a bit over 4 months old, and  she’s planned to adopt him.  He was born on the same day as my granddaughter, so i’ve felt a special connection to him, and to Sfp’s experiences with new motherhood.

If you don’t already know Sfp, you should check out her blog.  She’s smart and funny and loving and interesting, and you would probably like her as much as i do.  

Last week, she found out that the baby ~ her baby ~ has a  biological relative who decided she wanted him.   The state did a home study and decided the relative would be a good guardian for the child, and they’re going to take him away from Sfp today.  Today, he will start a new life with someone new, with siblings, with all kinds of differences.  i hope this will work out well for him.   

But today, my heart is broken, for Sfp, and for the baby, who will not know what’s going on or where his mommy has gone.  Too young to understand it,  too young to have words for it ~ it breaks my heart.  He’s young enough that he’ll forget and, i believe, if he bonds with his family, he’ll be ok.   But still.

In the meantime, Sfp is bereft, and my heart is breaking with her.  If you have energy, love, and warmth to send her today, do it.  We will offer her our strength and love like my circle of goddesses.

 i think about my friends whose infant died, and the feeling parallels it, but it is not the same.  And this isn’t about Sfp’s sadness, not just a tear-jerking post about loss and grief.  

Sfp took the baby and opened her heart to him.  She gave herself to him with all the love she has, nurtured and cared for him.  Whatever else happens to him, he’ll have this stable, loving first four months to get him started on the right path.  He is her son.

And she knew this was a risk when she agreed to take him ~ even though it didn’t look like this could happen, even though it looked like there was slim to no chance of a relative placement ~ it was always a distant possible cloud on the horizon.  And still she opened her heart and loved her son.


               AND ~

this is the amazingly beautiful part ~

She’ll do it again.  

It may not be an infant ~ it may be a group of siblings ~ an older child ~ or it could be another newborn.  We don’t know.  But one day in the not-too-distant future, they’ll call her and say, “We have this child.”  And she’ll do it again.  

My friends whose baby died are pregnant again ~ with twins.  i watch them celebrate the new lives coming to them and it makes me happy.  Like Sfp, they are embracing the possibilities, choosing hope.

So i stand in awe of them, my friends expecting twins, and Sfp, who doesn’t know what child she’ll be called to love next.  When i picture her with a heart big enough to survive this loss and come back and do it again ~ well ~ i don’t have words for how i feel.

We ~ Sir and i ~ have invited her to come visit us.  She lives pretty far away, but it’s a short plane ride.  i think we would be a nice distraction, not to mention the selfish pleasure it would give me, getting to see her too and be there for her.

If she comes, we’ll have to find some kinky good times.  Fortunately, there are so many things going on here these days that i can’t imagine a weekend where there wouldn’t be something super cool.  i want ‘Nilla to come too, but i know she probably really can’t.

And really, i want you all to come visit, you know that, right?  Think Kinky Blogger’s Convention 2013 …  panel discussions, classes, and a kinky party at the end.

In the meantime, sometime today, if you will, find a minute of quiet to think about Sfp and the baby, and send them whatever strength and love you have to spare.  

32 Responses to “My Friend”

  1. sin October 23, 2012 at 7:16 am #

    This is a beautiful post Aisha – it’s what I would have wanted to say and not found the right words. I’ve wanted to offer help, but … it’s hard to imagine what might help.

    SFP, I’ve been thinking of you. And I want to help, to listen, because there isn’t much else. Thinking of you today…

    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 5:57 pm #

      Thanks, Sin, you’re so right, it’s hard to imagine anything we can say helping – really, i think i wrote this for me, cause i just needed to say it.



  2. vanillamom October 23, 2012 at 8:11 am #

    Thank you for saying all the things that I couldn’t. Sfp has a ginormous heart, and I stand in awe of her mission. It is a mission, right? To be so open to love, and pain in that way. Facing, in equal measures, joy, and loss. And I know that she will someday have a forever family…. But today, oh… today my heart breaks for her.


    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 6:09 pm #

      Hey, ‘Nilla.

      Yeah. I agree with you.


  3. Ashly October 23, 2012 at 8:14 am #

    Being a long term foster parent my heart gose out to Sfp! She has got to be a strong lady. There is no way I could handle short term fostering. Lots of hugs go out to her. As for coming over in 2013 and see you clear the board for your fantastic blog! Can’t get time of work. All the best Ashly

    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 6:12 pm #

      Hey, Ashly,

      Thanks for commenting!! Sorry you can’t come to the bloggers convention – maybe we can Skype you in?



  4. yesthankyousir October 23, 2012 at 8:47 am #

    Sfp, I hope you read this and know that the love you shared with that little boy has imprinted on his heart for a lifetime. Im sending you love, peace, joy, and a clear memory of every moment of motherhood you shared.


    Thank you for always being a loving force.


    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 6:12 pm #

      Thanks, Andi – same back to you. 🙂


  5. Conina October 23, 2012 at 12:21 pm #

    Oh, my heart breaks for her too. So sad, and yet so inspiring, the ability – the INTENT – to open up and love after being hurt like that.

    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 6:13 pm #

      Hey, Conina,

      Yeah, what you said.


  6. Sadists_magick October 23, 2012 at 2:42 pm #

    Love and hugs to sfp.

    As so many others have expressed here, i stand in awe of her – of all who are foster moms for their strength and determination, for what they instill in the (short) time that they have the children.

    love and light; peace and blessings

    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 6:14 pm #

      Hi, Sadists magick,

      Thanks for reading and for commenting. 🙂



  7. striving for peace October 23, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

    Thank you Aisha

    Aisha sent me a warning that she was posting today — I’m not able to take other people’s sympathy right now — it’s too painful – and I’ve wanted to try to hold my shit together.

    But they just picked him up about 20 minutes ago — and I thought — hearing some kind words would help — and there’s no possible way I could feel worse right now — no possible way.

    and your kind words have helped

    Thank you to all of you.

    I will put it all back together.
    and yes

    I will do this again
    send you all love back


    • Wordwytch October 24, 2012 at 12:24 am #

      Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. You are a very special person.

    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 6:14 pm #

      Hugs, Sfp.


  8. jadescastle October 23, 2012 at 2:58 pm #

    no words to offer….knowing what this loss means….but sending hopes for some peace in the steady knowledge that love always makes a difference.

    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 6:14 pm #

      Hi, Jade,

      Yessss. It does.


  9. joolz October 23, 2012 at 3:19 pm #

    Thank you Aisha for saying this today, and so glad sfp that you have found it a source of strength. Thinking of you today and sending loving thoughts. It is hard to be strong, but as Aisha says, you have given him the best start possible xxx

    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

      Thank you, Joolz. 🙂


  10. monkey October 23, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

    Here to sit in the circle. I have wanted to say something for days now, and not been able to put it to words, really, aisha, you did it beautifully.

    Sfp, what ever you need, if I can give it I will. Even if it is just to sit quietly in the circle.

    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

      Thanks, LM, i’m glad you’re in the circle with us. 🙂


  11. faithful October 23, 2012 at 4:25 pm #

    No words from me. Just a massive big strong HUG!

    In my prayers and thoughts.


    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 6:17 pm #

      Hey, Faithful,



  12. poured out October 23, 2012 at 9:24 pm #

    Aisha, you are a wonderful friend. And sfp is a wonderful soul. Thoughts of hope and comfort.

    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 6:17 pm #

      Thanks for the kind words, Poured out.


  13. Wordwytch October 24, 2012 at 12:29 am #

    Life goes on doesn’t it. No matter how much we hurt, love or wonder, it goes on. A dear friend of mine has been a foster parent for over 30 years. She had six of her own, and has lost count of how many children have passed through her arms. 18 years ago she was handed a newborn. She and her husband fought for him, as the mother was an addict. They won, and at about 6, the little boy was theirs. Fully adopted. He was the joy of their life, only to be killed in a terrible car accident two years ago. Yes, she cries, but at the same time she treasures every moment she had him. Oh, and at this time, she is still a foster mom. It takes a very special person to do this work,

    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

      Hey, Wordwytch,

      I’m so sorry for your friends’ loss.


  14. nancy October 24, 2012 at 10:22 pm #

    I have no great words of comfort; are there any? You are certainly in my prayers these days and nights. I have close friends who have done this in the past and it is so wrenching when things go wrong.for whatever reasons.
    I’m keeping you in mind .. lots of virtual hugging to vainly help you feel better sooner.

    • aisha October 26, 2012 at 6:22 pm #

      Hi, Nancy,



  15. Florida Dom October 27, 2012 at 10:09 am #

    Foster parents are wonderful loving people. I can only begin to imagine her heartache and don’t know what else to say except she is in all of our prayers and thoughts.


    • aisha October 27, 2012 at 5:58 pm #

      Thank you, FD. That’s really all any of us can do. 🙂


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