Fantasies of Rape and More

29 Nov

After my post yesterday, i got a comment from ‘Nilla that included this:

do you (and I say this knowing that you’ve had past trauma, so I’m just being flat-out nosey here, and hoping this isn’t a trigger of any kind)…have rape fantasies? That’s the one thing I keep coming back to as that “fantasy that I wish would just go away” and doesn’t. I dunno…maybe i”m weird…but the thing that gets me hot and stewy is the idea of being taken, used…not so much in a violent, knock ya down and fuck, but “this is what I’m gonna do…gonna get you all turned on against your will..t.hen fuck your brains out” kind of way.

That would be a kind of amended rape fantasy, right?

My friend, Jade, from The Chrysanthemum and The Sword came back with this in her comment:

@Nilla….i’m sure Aisha will point this out as well….but rape fantasy is incredibly normal. It makes sense that we would want to have a situation that allows for us to have the intensity of such an experience removed from the guilt our culture/religion tries to dump on us for not being “good/pure enough.” If it helps, i will share that i have been raped a few times in life mostly as a child, and occasionally have a fantasy that on the face of it is a rape fantasy. Real rape is, obviously, not what this is about. But who among us doesn’t crave full loss of control, at least at times? i liken it to the way that it is common for gays/lesbians to have sexual fantasies about straight sex and vice versa. It does not mean you really want that.

Jade’s right, of course.  Well said.

What i’ve read and heard suggests that rape fantasies allow us to enjoy sex without guilt.  To throw our inhibitions aside and really let go.  To give up control.

And if your rape fantasy includes the idea that he will “get you all turned on against your will..then fuck your brains out” ~ well, that makes me think of Clark Gable sweeping Scarlet up the stairs ~ one of the most romantic scenes i know.   i always imagined ~ once i was old enough to imagine what was happening upstairs ~ that it was very like the fantasy you describe.

i promise you, being raped is not like that.

People do sometimes get turned on when they’re being raped though.   Their bodies may begin to respond.  Some people take this to mean they “enjoyed it” in the sense of wanting it to happen.

This can be very confusing for the person who’s been raped.  They may think that they are complicit in the rape because their bodies responded.

i recently heard a story of the way one therapist addressed this with a woman she was working with, who had been raped as a young girl.  

The therapist brought an onion to the session.  Without any explanation, she asked the client to help her peel it.   The client thought it was a little odd, but of course she agreed.

As they peeled the onion, tears began to run down their cheeks.

“Look at us,” says the therapist, “Sitting here crying.  Why are we crying?  Do we want to cry?”

“No,” says the client.

“Does it mean we’re sad?” asks the therapist.

“No, of course not,” says the client.  “Oh, wait I get it!!”

“Yes,” says the therapist.  “Sometimes our bodies just respond and it doesn’t have anything to do with what we want or how we feel.”

The other thing about fantasy is that ~ it’s fantasy.  In a fantasy, who’s in control?  Not inside the fantasy, i mean, who’s directing the fantasy?

i am!  For sure.  If it takes a turn i really don’t like, i can go back and erase it.  Um, delete it.  i can redo it.

In many ways, the same thing is true with kink.  Because it’s consensual, the submissive or slave actually has the ultimate control.

Yes, we give up control.  The key word there is “give up.”  In order to give something up, you have to have it in the first place.

And really, that control can always be taken back.  If you’re truly in a BDSM situation, and not an abusive situation disguised as BDSM, then you always have the option of walking away, and often you have the option of negotiating changes.

So in a way, BDSM allows us to explore our fantasies.  Safely.  Rape fantasies, spanking fantasies, whatever fantasies may lurk in the corners of our mind.

But as Jade pointed out, just because we have a particular fantasy, doesn’t necessarily mean we want it to come true.  Story of O turned me on immensely, and gave me great fodder for fantasy, but i really did not want to live my whole life like that.

Um.

At least i don’t want the part where she has to wear the ring and go with anyone who’s also wearing the ring.   And i’ll take a pass on the getting branded scene.  Although it’s a hot scene…

Anyhow, i think that my own fantasies tell me something about myself.  My Dash of Fantasy with Naomi ~ i think it means more to me than just the sexual/kinky parts of it.  But i don’t know what yet…

Speaking of which, i guess i’d better get back to writing that or i won’t have a new Naomi post for tomorrow…

14 Responses to “Fantasies of Rape and More”

  1. striving for peace November 29, 2012 at 8:07 am #

    I love the onion story.

    I think we all have rape fantasies from time to time — we play with the dark side — with the offering of power

    and the taking of power forcibly is bound to be the fantasy — on both sides

    when you think about our culture
    and how much rape is portrayed in our culture
    or the taking of power

    the images that surround us

    the Gone with the Wind image
    or frankly — nearly every trashy novel ever

    we are steeped in it

    ok — going to have to stop having one and get to work
    but I think it’s normal

    and fantasy is not the same as wanting it in reality
    not even close.

    • aisha December 2, 2012 at 10:09 am #

      Hi Sfp,

      Yes. Rape is all around us, and of course it swirls through our fantasies too. At least in our fantasies we can control it, and in TTWD, we can chose whether to act it out or not!

      As for the GWTW image – ok, yeah, maybe most trashy novels…lol, but they weren’t Rhett Butler {fanning myself…} If he were only still alive and living in Where-i-Live… well, Sir might have some competition. 🙂

      hugs,

      aisha

  2. abby November 29, 2012 at 8:08 am #

    It’s early and I am still trying to sort out thoughts, but I love this post. It adresses something that most shy away from…and I love the way you say, in order to give up control, you must have it to begin with ..it is what I have been trying to give words to. A safe place to lie our fntasies, and not be judged and feel safe…lucky us! hugs abby

    • aisha December 2, 2012 at 10:26 am #

      Hi, Abby,

      i’m so glad you loved this post, and that it spoke to you in some way.

      It’s funny isn’t it, that the lifestyle with BDSM seems safer in some ways than vanilla relationships. Hmm. More stuff for me to ponder.

      Thanks for reading and for commenting, abby.

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. ancilla_ksst November 29, 2012 at 8:40 am #

    I don’t really have rape fantasies, at least they are not the kind of fantasies that are super intense for me. I do like being forced, and we regularly do play rape, where it sometimes feels quite scary and other times requires “acting reluctant” on my part because I’m so eager for it that “can you rape the willing?” pops into my head as a serious question.

    • aisha December 2, 2012 at 11:06 am #

      Hi, ancilla,

      That’s funny, and i love the idea of you having to struggle to seem reluctant in your rape play. 🙂

      hugs,

      aisha

  4. jadescastle November 29, 2012 at 8:57 am #

    The onion work was just beautiful. We all have layers to us, just like that onion. BDSM is a way to pull back the layers. i think fantasy is as well. The only thing i would add here is perhaps the extra layers of guilt/shame that a rape survivor experiences and the inclination to want to somehow to give the rapist some kind of pass because your body responded. One thinks that perhaps they were confused in some manner. But rape is about power and control, not about sex. In other words, the rapist would have done what they pleased, regardless of what my reactions had been. This is important to remember because rape is often done by a person we know.

    The “Gone with the Wind” scene is erotic. The scene from “The Other Boelyn Girl” or “The Duchess” not so much. None are especially graphic but make the point well, i think.

    In BDSM relationships, you can certainly have moments of unhappy, of not liking what is going on. The intent makes it abuse. i’d think in a healthy power exchange, it is of paramount importance that overall the people are happy and thriving. In an abusive experience, your life is defined by misery and fear…and you are taught to respond on demand. Your body stops responding to your feelings because its no longer safe. You have to do a ton of work to reconnect what you are feeling to your own normal responses. So, the onion work could be applied to any abusive experiences.

  5. Kitty for Mr. Woods November 29, 2012 at 9:32 am #

    I just discovered your blog and what great timing! Sir and I have talked about doing this kind of fantasy a lot lately. We like to call it force fantasy instead of rape fantasy. I was thinking of doing a blog post about it very soon, and Ill have to remember this post and link to it. For me, personally, knowing that he is stronger and more powerful than I am is a huge turn on. Its one thing to give submission freely, its another for him to take it (although its essentially the same considering consent). This is the main reason I love the force fantasy. He over powers me easily, and I love it. We’re excited to try a scene with this one.

    • aisha December 2, 2012 at 11:11 am #

      Hi, Kitty for Mr. Woods,

      {Which is a long name, but does distinguish you from Kitty the Submissive – maybe you’ll be Kitty for MW?}

      In any case, HI!! And Welcome! Thanks for reading, and for commenting!

      Sounds like you are exploring some fun territory, and i’m glad if this post was at just the right time. Isn’t it funny how often that happens?

      And i’ll have to go check out your blog!

      Come back often,

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. Wordwytch November 29, 2012 at 1:31 pm #

    Really good post. Onions… I think that we who do kink are often better at the whole peeling thing, because we see it better. JMHO. As for rape fantasies… I have mine. and as it was mentioned, we are steeped in literature that says it’s okay to fall madly in love/lust if someone pushes us past proper ‘moral stances’. ie rape. So it becomes romantic, and not just ick. Fantasies let us delve into those dark places safely. Just like reading horror novels. We can be scared from a safe place.

    I read O when I was about 16. Right there with you aisha! Funny bit though,… 50 shades did nothing. Even Gor books were better.

    • aisha December 2, 2012 at 11:28 am #

      Hi, Wordwytch,

      Thank you – i’m so glad you liked it. 🙂

      i think you’re so right, about some of our cultural ideas and how that works for us – and against us – sexually.

      And just for the record, i thought that the Gor stores were incredibly hot and even more intense than O, and it freaked me out even worse!!!

      hugs,

      aisha

      • Wordwytch December 2, 2012 at 7:58 pm #

        Gor… nod…

  7. J, onesubsmission November 30, 2012 at 7:50 am #

    I think the onion is a wonderfully helpful way of thinking of it – thank you for sharing.

    J.

    • aisha November 30, 2012 at 12:27 pm #

      Hi, J,

      i’m so glad you liked it, and found it helpful! Welcome – hope to see you around again.

      hugs,

      aisha

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