Drained

4 Dec

Sorry, friends, i’m empty right now.

Got home late last night ~ well, late for me ~  after a project i’d been working on had come to completion.  i was drained then.

Sir had worked on the paddle some more ~ it’s now smoother where he sawed it, and on the edges, and ready, He says, for sanding.  Um, o, yay?

He was going to really use it last night, at least i guess He was, and i didn’t resist but i really didn’t want Him to.  Really didn’t.

It was a big ole trigger, for whatever reason, and i was bent over the bed, hands tied, thinking some really sad thoughts, my head was just not in the right space.  i was wondering if getting spanked and paddled would put me in “the right headspace” or if i was going to dissociate instead.

Wondering very dispassionately, from a distance.

Wondering if i should say something.

Not knowing what to say.  

So i’m saying nothing, and He’s doing what He would normally do, and i guess, expecting me to respond, only i’m not.

Not verbally, not physically.

i feel like i’m not there.

And wondering if pain will bring me back or if i’ll go farther away.

i don’t know what’s happening with Him.  i don’t know if He can tell i’m gone.

But He stops.  He puts the paddle down and unties my hands and pulls  me to Him.

He wraps me in His arms and finishes taking my clothes off and puts me to bed.

He gets in bed too and He lets me hold Him for a long time.   Then we go to sleep.

This morning, i am here again.  

Not sure why i’m still drained, emotions close to the edge.  i’ve already cried twice this morning ~ once over a touching blog post.

Then i watched this video that Donna sent and cried because it was so beautiful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=GBaHPND2QJg&feature=youtu.be

i don’t know what would have happened if Sir had continued with the paddle last night.  i don’t know.  Maybe it would have been ok.

But i’m so grateful and glad that Sir is my Sir.  What He did last night made me feel like He saw me, that He wasn’t just on His own path and not aware of me.  i don’t know what He thought, and we haven’t talked about it, but He knew what i needed.

i love Him.

And i didn’t think i had anything to say this morning… guess i did after all.

26 Responses to “Drained”

  1. night owl December 4, 2012 at 8:41 am #

    Sometimes it comes, that low feeling, and we don’t know why. As much as we want to know why, being logical, rational creatures, our brain has other ideas. Eventually, we find reasons, put a label on it, and move on.

    Sometimes there is no ‘why’. It is just who we are.

    (((Hugs)))
    night owl

    • aisha December 6, 2012 at 8:48 am #

      Yes, i think you’re right. It’s a good perspective, helps me hold on to that Zen, letting it come and go…

      aisha

  2. faithful December 4, 2012 at 8:50 am #

    I am so grateful you have your Sir as well.

    Sometimes words are just not necessary and he seems to be so aware of you and your needs and that sweetie is the greatest gift of all.

    ~faithful

    • aisha December 6, 2012 at 8:51 am #

      Thanks, Faithful. You’re so right, and He really is in tune with me. i’m so lucky.

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. vanillamom December 4, 2012 at 8:52 am #

    night owl said it so simply, and so elegantly…”sometimes there is no why. It is just who we are.”

    yes, yes, yes.

    Your project is done, and there is a lot of latent emotion around that. All the prep before, all the buried stress during…small wonder you were fragile.

    Your Sir is the perfect man for you. Tender, sweet, caring, just when you needed that most of all. He “groks’ you.

    Hug, and hug again.

    nilla

    • aisha December 6, 2012 at 8:54 am #

      Thanks, ‘Nilla. Night owl really did capture it, didn’t she.

      “Fragile.” Yeah. Good word for how i felt. i don’t much like to think of myself that way, but i was.

      And He is. 🙂 Absolutely.

      love,

      aisha

  4. Sirqsmlb December 4, 2012 at 9:02 am #

    Hugs Aisha. I am so sorry that you were so emotionally raw. You know as good as any that our brain, our emotions, out thoughts sometimes go to our dark, our sad, our vulnerable places. Your Sir saw you in need and was your rock and your love – as you are for him I’m sure. That’s why you complete eachother.
    May your bounce be quick. Your not alone.

    Hugs!!

    • aisha December 6, 2012 at 8:56 am #

      Thank you, Mlb.

      i do know that, i just don’t like to think it applies to me, ya know? {laughing…}

      But yes. We really do complete each other. Thanks.

      and i’m better – much, much better – now.

      hugs,

      aisha

  5. jadescastle December 4, 2012 at 9:33 am #

    Wow. Just….wow. i’ve been there in that uncomfortable spot, having no idea what to say or how to say it. i’ve generally gone with it in life and found that it is either really excellent….or really terrible. Good for him for seeing you….really seeing you. We are so fond of saying that a Master is not a mind-reader, which is true. But its really wonderful when they read energy and act on it. i hope that you are both able to put words to feelings and have a healing talk. Sending you light…

    • aisha December 6, 2012 at 8:57 am #

      Dear jade,

      Yeah, i figured you could relate. Funny, isn’t it?

      i am so lucky.

      We haven’t talked directly about it, but i sent him the link to this blog post, and he read it – commented on the nice comments it got – and didn’t say anything else. i’m ok with that. He gets it.

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. ancilla_ksst December 4, 2012 at 11:05 am #

    I have been there too. I think you express it beautifully. I also like this: ”Sometimes there is no ‘why’. It is just who we are.” That pretty much was my thought last night about what was going on with me. It was complicated, I didn’t understand it, but I made the decision just to feel it and not try to understand it.

    • aisha December 6, 2012 at 8:58 am #

      Thank you, ancilla. Yes, sometimes it’s good to just go with the moment, and save the processing for another time!

      hugs,

      aisha

  7. Wordwytch December 4, 2012 at 6:08 pm #

    Lots and lots of HUGS.
    There are a few people that I feel ‘twinned to’, most I only know via the Internet, and yet there are days and times when our lives run in parallel. I so understand where you were coming from aisha. The feeling of being emotionally drained, disconnected, etc. Night Owl did a beautiful job of expressing it.
    I cried too over the video. Dammit.

    Luckily, I’ll be in Wolf’s arms tomorrow night. It’s been a very long nine days.

    • night owl December 4, 2012 at 7:52 pm #

      I’m so happy for you, Wordwytch, and Wolf, too.

      Will i need earplugs?

      😉

      • Wordwytch December 4, 2012 at 8:36 pm #

        No, we will be on extra quiet stealth mode. Grandboys next door and the walls are thin. sigh.

      • night owl December 4, 2012 at 11:16 pm #

        Oh, the sounds do so make it so lovely. I have been playing with the idea of trying to be quiet next time with Sir S but I suspect I will fail at that as much as I failed at holding onto my orgasms. Enjoy!

      • Wordwytch December 4, 2012 at 11:26 pm #

        I will. 🙂

      • aisha December 6, 2012 at 9:04 am #

        Thanks for the hugs, Wordwytch!

        Um, glad the video made you cry? {laughing…}

        Hope you get what you need soon!

        hugs,

        aisha

  8. jadescastle December 4, 2012 at 7:17 pm #

    Just checking back in….wondering how you are this evening….and holding you in the light.

    • aisha December 6, 2012 at 9:04 am #

      i’m good Jade – thanks!!

      aisha

  9. nancy December 4, 2012 at 7:52 pm #

    Thanks for sharing that low time so publicly.
    I’m glad your SIr is the man he is .. and that he stopped and held you just when you needed that.
    I truly hope you’re better now.

    • aisha December 6, 2012 at 9:06 am #

      Thanks, Nancy. i really am better and – yes. He’s exactly right for me.

      🙂

      aisha

  10. Fondles December 4, 2012 at 11:38 pm #

    Oh sweetness, its wonderful when they give you wat u need before u even know it yourself.

    It also only works when we trust them to.

    Im happy u got tucked into bed n held n loved, but am also praying that you bounce back n the rain clouds are lifted.

    Maybe you’re just fatigued?

    Rest well lovely Aisha!

    • aisha December 6, 2012 at 9:07 am #

      Hi, Fondles,

      i am ok again – thank you so much.

      And yes. It’s amazingly wonderful when they really know what we need.

      🙂

      Thank you.

      aisha

  11. Cassaundra December 6, 2012 at 12:46 am #

    This post really touched me. I got a little teary when you spoke about him knowing what you needed. That is so wonderful.

    • aisha December 6, 2012 at 5:10 am #

      Thanks, Cassaundra! i’m glad it touched you ~ it really was wonderful for me.

      And thank you for reading, and for commenting!!

      hugs,

      aisha

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