Heavy

18 Dec

Today, my body feels heavy

Last night, i had a meeting and discussion with friends in a group i belong to.  We had to make a difficult decision about something.  

i didn’t agree with the way the rest of the group was approaching the decision.  i wasn’t sure i was right, but i had strong feelings about it.  We talked and talked and talked.

i wasn’t sure i was right, i thought maybe they really were right, but i said what i thought and felt.

i’m still not sure i was right, but they shifted to my way of looking at it.

i agreed to follow through on some things this morning~ actually, i offered to do some things  ~ that will not be fun or pleasant.  A confrontation that needs to happen.   It’s going to be painful for the other person, not in a good way.  i will hate doing it.

It needs to be done.

i want to go back to bed and stay there.  i feel like my body weighs a ton, like i’m walking through water.

i will need to shake this off before i leave the house.  i need to head out to this morning’s meeting ready to face the challenge of conveying a harsh message in a way that will allow the person to hear it.  Oh, and getting them to agree to do something for the sake of the group rather than having the group mandate the action.

Good times ahead.

i don’t know where Naomi’s gone these days.  Fiona, i have to apologize, maybe she is done and i just didn’t know it.

i picture her controlled life, scheduled meditation, frequent beatings, time to do her work… the structure supporting her.  Like a nun, you know, an old-fashioned nun or a cloistered monk.  

But most of us, we control ourselves, make our own choices.  My Sir is not going to dictate a schedule for me.  He just isn’t.  And if He wanted to ~ i don’t know.  i can’t imagine that i would really like it.

And yet i need to feel contained.  

At night now, as He curls His body  behind me, He takes my wrists in one hand and  says, “you belong to me.”   Like magic words, they help me feel safe and secure.

i am making more of this confrontation than i need to.  It is what it is.  It needs to be done, things need to be said, better that i do it.

You know, better, i think,  for the other person.  Not so much “better” for me.

It won’t be as uncomfortable and miserable as i think it’s going to be.  My imagination is generally much more painful than the reality.  i know this.

And it’s ok that i’m dreading it now, it’s ok that i don’t want to do it.

Sigh.

16 Responses to “Heavy”

  1. heather1 December 18, 2012 at 7:28 am #

    Those are never fun discussions. I hope it goes well and the person understands were you as a group are coming from (hopefully it is for this person’s good that you are talking to them). Remember to breathe.

    Hugs,
    heather1

    • aisha December 19, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

      Thanks, Heather! It was all good, and thanks for the reminder to breathe!!

      aisha

  2. sirqsmlb December 18, 2012 at 7:41 am #

    Wishing you the best it can be. Those difficult discussions are huge in our minds because we try to figure out all of the eventualities. What if…but what if …

    I do hope Naomi is simply sleeping late and that she’ll be awaken to new adventures when the time is right for you. I’ll certainly be reading!!

    • aisha December 19, 2012 at 8:24 pm #

      Thanks, Fiona! i think all the good wishes really helped.

      And you might be right – Naomi may pop back up… we’ll see.

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. striving for Peace December 18, 2012 at 8:12 am #

    I hate those too.

    good luck sis!

    sfp

    • aisha December 19, 2012 at 8:25 pm #

      Thanks for the luck, Sfp, it must have helped!

      aisha

  4. jadescastle December 18, 2012 at 9:57 am #

    You are diplomatic, exceedingly thoughtful, and kind. If news the other person does not want to hear has to happen, its prob far better -for them -for it to come from you. Still, it sounds like a regretable situation, and i’m sorry you have to deal with it. (hugs) j

    • aisha December 19, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

      Dear jade,

      You are too kind, and you are probably right. At least i hoped that my tact and all that would make a bitter pill less nasty, or i wouldn’t have volunteered to do it, that’s for sure!

      Thanks, sister of my heart,

      aisha

  5. Wordwytch December 18, 2012 at 11:50 am #

    Hugs! Situations like this are never easy.

    As for the story,… it will come when it comes, or not. Not a problem.

    I like that you feel so loved and secure when your Sir holds you. I miss being held at the moment, but our chats via the computer help. Especially when Wolf looks directly at me and tells me to go to bed.

    • aisha December 19, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

      Dear Wordwytch,

      i know it’s difficult for you when he’s away – i can only imagine how hard it would be. i think i’ve gotten spoiled with Sir being here all the time.

      Thanks for the good wishes and hugs.

      aisha

      • Wordwytch December 19, 2012 at 9:17 pm #

        I realize that part of the reason it’s more difficult this time around is because so much is up in the air. I can’t say ‘I’ll be with him in X amount of days. And yes, I’ve been spoiled by having him with me for 98% of the last 8 years. A good kind of spoiled that I wouldn’t give up for anything.

        Thanks for the hugs and good wishes.

  6. night owl December 18, 2012 at 11:50 am #

    I know that you already had the meeting and it came out well. I just wanted to say how much I understand, how much I feel what you feel. I too wish life could be like Naomi’s disciplined schooling and yet I too know how much I would chafe under the restrictions.

    You are so brave for taking on the meeting and doing it in a compassionate, loving way. I admire your courage.

    • aisha December 19, 2012 at 8:30 pm #

      Hi, Night owl,

      Thanks for the kind words, and the good wishes, i really appreciate it.

      You know, the Naomi thing, i have this feeling that it’s going to turn out that we really do have to create our own discipline and structure. Doesn’t that suck??

      hugs,

      aisha

  7. Fondles December 18, 2012 at 9:53 pm #

    I see from night owl’s comment that it turned out ok.

    Glad.

    Naomi will happen when it happens.

    I too like to think how comforting her structured life is. Especially these days leading up to Christmas- always a stressful period for me.

    Glad it all went well. Hope u feel lighter now 😉

    • aisha December 19, 2012 at 8:33 pm #

      Thanks, Fondles,

      Hope your pre-Christmas stress is not too unmanageable this year. And thanks for the support!

      hugs,

      aisha

  8. Kitten December 20, 2012 at 12:25 pm #

    I am sorry you are having a rough time of it lately. It does seem to go in waves. I am sorry Naomi’s story is fading. I guess I will have to think up my own ending. I like that Naomi and her Sir are doing what they are doing for love of each other, but I also just think the story is very sexy. Does it just get to an uncomfortable part for you or do you feel stuck when writing your fantasies? Does taking a break work, or do you feel inspired to start another one? I think the beginning of a story can be the most thrilling. That’s why romance novels are so popular. After the wedding, there is no thrill in the story. I do like how you write. It’s so clear, and yet so beautiful. I am envious.

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