27 Dec

i spent a lazy day yesterday, relaxing and unwinding from the frenzied pre-Xmas week.  i enjoy that week a lot, and never plan far enough ahead to keep it from being a bit frenzied, and am perfectly ok with that too.  As a recovering perfectionist, i know that the more time i have to do something, the more i will expand what there is to do, and how well it needs to be done.

We had a lovely Christmas, and our families who were able to come over did too, at least they seemed to.  Presents were well-received, food was eaten, laughter and good times were had by all.  

So yesterday, when my one obligation gets cancelled and i realize that i can avoid going out into the nasty weather and spend the day tucked in at home, i jump at the opportunity.   i have approximately 13 new projects to start, or new pieces of things to add onto old ones, and my house needs the last touches of tidying, and i need to answer blog comments, and i need to polish the silver before i put it away, and ~ and ~ and i don’t do any of those things.

i write two blog posts ~ Naomi and a vanilla one.

i take a nap and have an orgasm ~ um, not in that order.

My sister comes by and we hang out for a while.

i piddle around on the computer.  Think about doing things.

And when Sir comes home, i feel guilty.  He has been at work all day.  He hasn’t had the luxury of staying home and doing nothing.  There is so much i could have done, and i haven’t done any of it.

i say as much to Him, apologetically.  Tell Him i feel bad about it.  

He looks surprised.  “Lots of people are off work today,” He says.

“Yeah, i know,” and i feel better for a second, “But ~ i could have done a lot of stuff around here,” i add, feeling bad again.

He looks around, shrugs.  “We’ve been running since last Friday.”  He reminds me of all the things we’ve done.  “You needed some time,” He says.  “I don’t want you to feel guilty about taking some time today.”

So i’m working on that.  Not feeling guilty.

And i was thinking about it when i read Monkey’s post today.  You can read it here.  

{Forgive me, Monkey, if i’ve gotten this wrong.}

She’s talking about rules, and her feeling that she didn’t have any, but then she recognizes that she does, they are just not being presented the way she thought they would be.  She says:

This is the way it goes in my imagination, in much that I read,and in many other relationships  (including my relationship with Big Bad) revolving around D/s…

Dom/Domme holds out the (behavior/idea/incipient rule/shiny thing), and says/infers “Do this”.  The will is being pushed toward the sub, who accepts it.

David offers me the (behavior/idea/incipient rule/shiny thing), puts it within my reach, and then leaves it up to me to draw it in.

Subtle but distinct differences. That’s the best illustration I can draw.

Just because something was not presented formally, doesn’t make it any less of a rule…

So when Sir says, “I don’t want you to feel guilty about…” whatever ~ that’s a very different order than “You will kneel when I enter the room.”  In fact, it would be easy for me to completely miss the significance of His words.  i could think He just means He’s not mad at me, or disappointed in me {which is also true.}  

It’s up to me to remember that when Sir says, “I want” or “I don’t want,” He IS telling me what to do.  It’s up to me to hear that.

And maybe “rule” isn’t the right word ~ it’s an order, a command.  If i go back and tell Him,  “You know, you said you didn’t want me to feel guilty about *whatever,* but i still do,” He’ll be surprised and not pleased.   He’ll actually make me talk about it til i figure out why i can’t do what He told me to do, til i figure out how to do it.

It would be easier to have a rule that says i have to do “x” chores every day than it is to let go of feeling guilty about my lazy day.  It’s much harder to recognize that the voice in my head beating me up about it is not His voice, it’s mine, and i need to help myself silence that voice.  

It helps to remember i need to do it because He says so.

24 Responses to “Post-Xmas”

  1. RogueBambi December 27, 2012 at 7:15 am #

    This was good for me to read just now. Thank you.

    • aisha December 27, 2012 at 7:43 am #

      Thanks, RogueBambi – i’m glad it was! And thanks for reading and for commenting – nice to meet you!


      • RogueBambi December 27, 2012 at 7:52 am #

        Nice to meet you too. I’ve been visiting you sporadically a long time, but somehow always neglected to comment.

        Reading this I remembered how Wonderboy said last night: “I want you to know that I love you and only want to have sex with you”. It just now klicked that I should listen to his words even though he didn’t make an official command.

      • aisha December 27, 2012 at 8:09 am #

        O, that’s very cool! What a perfect example!!

  2. appy December 27, 2012 at 7:20 am #

    You indeed are a perfectionist. 🙂

    • aisha December 27, 2012 at 7:44 am #

      Hi, appy,

      i prefer to think of myself as a “recovering perfectionist,” but yeah. 🙂


  3. sin December 27, 2012 at 7:30 am #

    If Big Bad says something then it’s an order and to be taken as such, unless we specifically clarify that it’s not.

    But he wouldn’t order the way I felt. He wouldn’t tell me to feel or not to feel guilty, or not with any intention that it would stick. I think he realizes it’s far more difficult to regulate feelings than actions.


    • aisha December 27, 2012 at 8:00 am #

      O, making me think now Sin.

      i think of it as a personal development thing i guess i don’t think He literally means “don’t feel that,” because we both know that’s impossible. i think He means “don’t put your energy into that feeling” or at least, “Don’t put your energy into that feeling on my account.”

      My history makes me prone to excessive guilt that can be paralyzing. i’m capable of spending several days feeling bad about what i didn’t already accomplish, and that not so helpful. i think He’s telling me not to wander off down that path – at least that’s how i see it – and that’s helpful for me.

      Thanks for making me think this one through more!


  4. Kitty the Submissive Wife December 27, 2012 at 10:15 am #

    One of the best things that ever happened was early in our relationship when I said to H, “I’m sorry I didn’t do the dishes.” Without missing a beat, he said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t do the dishes either.”

    He was letting me know that the dishes were not necessarily my job. Whoever has time or availability should be doing the dishes and if one of us doesn’t get to them, well, then the other one could have too. No fault. We both work to have a house we want to live in. 🙂

    • aisha December 27, 2012 at 10:50 am #

      Thanks, Kitty! I love that story. It really highlights the beauty of your relationship.


  5. mamacrow December 27, 2012 at 12:52 pm #

    yes. YES! This. this was how our relationship was before we really started actively incorporating kink & D/s … no rules, except there were! I think in the main stream its referred to as shaking down together, learning to live with each other.

    now, we don’t have punishment, we don’t have a contract, but… yes. rules. because we need them or because they enhance/titillate or, preferably, both…

    • aisha December 28, 2012 at 6:18 am #

      Hi, Mamacrow,

      Good point, and i do try to remember that we are relatively new to everything. Who knows what it’ll look like in a few years…

      And what great reasons to have rules!



  6. Wordwytch December 27, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

    We are all our worst critics. I think that’s why being submissive helps us balance. It’s much easier to listen to that other voice which will have limits than the one that nags us ever second of the day and no one else hears. This happens a lot when we are very busy and stop even for a moment, because we don’t think we deserve that rest.

    Wolf and I aren’t coping well with being separated, and I told him today that me, myself and I had a talk, and we shut me in the closet because she’s worrying too much. In other words, I had to shut off that worry wort in order to carry out my day.


    • aisha December 28, 2012 at 6:20 am #

      Hi, Wordwytch,

      Yes, i think you’re right -as submissives, we often look to our Sirs to help us balance the parts of ourselves that aren’t in balance.

      i’m glad you were able to do a little self-therapy, and hope Wolf gets home SOON!



      • Wordwytch December 28, 2012 at 3:59 pm #

        Or that I head north soon!

  7. jade December 27, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

    i was thinking that rather than rules, we have a clear set of expectations. Mostly, i think that the reason there are not 100 rules is because that would create work for SR. Expectations may be more broad but accomplish much the same thing. Though….some days it would be easier for me to do it another way…because i’m also a perfectionist. Um…in the process of recovering. i have to look at what perfect means to Her and do things that way. (Note the expecation implied there). 😛

    • aisha December 28, 2012 at 6:28 am #

      Hi, Jade,

      Clear expectations are good. And you’re so right, a bunch of rules does create work for a Dom/Master.

      i think many of us think we’d like to be micro-managed – for sure, you have more experience of that than i, and i’m not sure it’s ultimately helpful or realistic. Just my opinion…

      And i do love the idea of you learning her ideas of perfect…that makes me smile.



      • jade December 28, 2012 at 10:24 am #

        Having lived in a micro-managed way before, my opinion is that it is useful only in small doses. Few things teach you what your place is as well as that. As a way of life, it became destructive to my ability to make independent decisions. It didn’t feel good to me. It made the world scary.

        Her version of perfect is often to have me calm, receptive, and to be Geisha-like in terms of holding pleasing conversation or being quiet. My version of perfect, if i was using my own concept, would be to be none of those things b/c i’d be too busy remopping the house. Oddly, her version takes more inner work because i have to be more aware. Expectations are valuable in those kinds of ways. The shortened version is a rule to have a pleasant demeanor, regardless of the situation. That is her rule but it falls short of explaining what she actually does want.

  8. Lady P December 27, 2012 at 7:37 pm #

    Dear Aisha

    My comment on your post developed into a post in itself – I hope it’s alright…

    Often your posts make me reflect on the deeper levels of D/s and kink sex. You have a way of explaining what goes on beyond the obvious and into the existential core. Sometimes you touch my soul with a reflection, a thought or a story. This was one of those posts where I felt deeply touched.

    I recognize the recovering perfectionist part, the having a whole day in front of me and planning to do a load of things, and doing something completely different or nothing really, and the overwhelming feelings of guilt when He comes home from work and I haven’t achieved anything.

    This post reminded me of a text message, that Mylord sent me a while ago – although not as subtle as the message from your Sir, it nonetheless addressed my inner pain and self-esteem issues. I have tried to translate it as accurately as I could:

    “I have been thoughtful, and you have to know the following: Your body – in itself but also in comparison with other women your age AND younger – is so beautiful and appetizing, that I no longer will hear of your self-demeaning thoughts. They are very disturbing to focused presence. Self-demeaning behaviour is inappropriate. It will be noted and handled, naturally I already have ideas on how. In my company you will present yourself with dignity and as the beautiful woman you are, which only means to dress nicely and preferably wear makeup. The rest you already have.
    Loving and adoring your beautiful body, mind and heart, I remain
    Faithfully Yours”

    Mylord sends me many messages each day, many of a more vanilla or playful content. This message however, had a very serious intent and meaning and I have felt it’s impact since. I’m still adjusting to being a beautiful woman but I can push my self-demeaning thoughts away with more force than ever, knowing that He wants me to be beautiful – not only in His eyes but in mine as well.

    • aisha December 28, 2012 at 6:33 am #

      Dear Lady P,

      Your comment is so beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes. First, i was delighted that you understand that whole “got the day in front of me, ended up doing nothing tangibly worthwhile.” i don’t know why, but it didn’t occur to me that other people do that too!

      But the text from your Sir ~ o, that was so lovely. i can easily imagine you working on obeying that – and yes, it’s not about not feeling anything or being told what to feel, it’s the support of being told not to engage in an unhealthy way of thinking, isn’t it? How delightful. Thank you for sharing the story.



    • night owl December 28, 2012 at 10:09 am #

      Lady P,

      I second Aisha. How beautiful your comment and your Lord. How blessed you both are to have each other

      Night Owl

  9. night owl December 28, 2012 at 2:56 am #

    I so love that you got *that* implicit command in your Sir’s not wanting.

    • aisha December 28, 2012 at 6:34 am #

      Thanks, night owl!!




  1. Commands « msconstanceexplains - January 5, 2013

    […] aisha talked about commands that were almost couched as suggestions, as did faithful in her blog. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: