A New Day

3 Jan

Thanks for all the comments yesterday – the supportive ones, the helpful ones, and the ones that shared things you’re looking forward to.  In case i don’t get them answered today, know that they were greatly appreciated, enjoyed, and advice followed.

i took the Vitamin D ~ i don’t think it’s worked yet though.  How long does it take?  {Just kidding, i know it’s not a quick acting solution.}  Google tells me somewhere between a week and a month, although i’m hoping for the placebo effect sooner.

So, enough of all that.  Let me just say here, part of what’s going on with me ~ maybe most of it ~is related to my own expectations for myself and life and some disappointment that things are not flowing as smoothly as i want them to, or as easily as i think they should.

i think i’ve sometimes gotten discouraged easily, not when i’m doing things for other people so much as when i’ve tried to do them for myself, particularly in terms of my career.  i tend to think if it doesn’t flow easily it means i’m not good enough to accomplish it, and of course that’s not true ~ not factual.  

Anyhow.  Listening to the Leonard Cohen song yesterday reminded me that i’m also feeling disengaged from my spiritual connections.  Not being Catholic anymore has left me a bit adrift in terms of what i do believe, but really, i need to be open to the universe for direction just as much in my career path these days as i was when i was looking for a relationship.

The Leonard Cohen song pulled me toward that spiritual openness, looking toward where i’m supposed to be and what i’m supposed to do there, which makes it easier for me to keep going.  

Being open to discovering what i need to, doing the next thing on my list, and not getting too discouraged.  Those are all helpful things for me.

Then last night Ms. Constance and Drew came for dinner.   It was a lot of fun!  i think they liked the meal, and i know i liked my Xmas present ~ Ms. Constance’s cookies.  They are amazingly delicious. i hope they’ll like the chocolate candy i sent home with them.  

i’m also delighted that she brought me a bottle of her homemade vanilla extract, in a lovely bottle.  i love bottles with corks anyhow, and this one is square, which is also cool, and filled with that luscious smelling extract – mmmmmm.

We talked and laughed, mostly about vanilla stuff, although it’s also nice to be able to laugh about  me sanding the paddle in the same breath as more vanilla activities.   {Notice, i said “the paddle,” not “the stupid paddle.” i try not to make the same mistake more than once.}

Anyhow, enough of all this, hopefully by tomorrow i’ll be back to being a BDSM blog.  {i know, youall don’t mind if i wander, but i do!}  

After inundating Night owl with advice in a comment, i realized that this is another “practice what i preach” opportunity and there’s nothing wrong with feeling  what i feel, even if it’s less than positive.  It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me.  It’s ok to feel what i feel.  

And i took the Vitamin D anyway.  🙂

16 Responses to “A New Day”

  1. Twisted Angel January 3, 2013 at 8:27 am #

    I will have to go back and read yesterday’s post. In changing email addresses and importing blogs from one reader to another I missed a ton of stuff. Like you I am excellent when it comes to advice for everyone else. Maybe it is a thing of being outside a situation and it allows us to see things from all viewpoints? But horrible at applying those things to myself and my life. here is to a New year filled with hope and opportunity.

    • aisha January 5, 2013 at 8:23 pm #

      Hi, Twisted Angel,

      Yeah, not only am i better at advising, but often the advice i’m dispensing is what i need to hear. At least i’ve learned to listen to what i’m saying to others!!

      Hoping the same for your New Year – and many thanks for the thoughtful comment!!

      aisha

  2. night owl January 3, 2013 at 8:43 am #

    I, too, have been feeling somewhat groundless in my spirituality although yesterday I prayed like the dickens and choose to believe my prayers are being answered. I was raised with a hodgepodge of religious influences and nothing steady, so I got to pick my beliefs cafeteria-style. I was firm in them for 25 years and only recently have felt rootless again. The proverbial existential crisis. 🙂

    My younger son is determinedly atheist. Yesterday, while trying to console me through my crisis of confidence, he used Jesus Christ as an example. Can you believe it? It made me laugh so hard I stopped crying, which was his intention anyway.

    May the placebo effect to kick in soon but I too believe Vitamin D to be a sanity saver – sunshine in a pill.

    night owl

    • aisha January 5, 2013 at 8:27 pm #

      It’s a process ~ this spirituality thing, isn’t it? i’ve always been a bit eclectic in my beliefs too, and they’ve morphed and grown and adapted to match my experiences of the universe. At the crossroads is not a bad place to be.

      And i love that your atheist son used Jesus as an example! You know, my Sir is atheist, so i can understand how that would amuse.

      i think being sick is blocking the placebo effect to some extent, but am awaiting the benefits eagerly!!

      hugs,

      aisha

  3. faithful January 3, 2013 at 9:01 am #

    I call it the New Year’s blues- Holidays are over and it is time for self reflection so not surprised that many feel perhaps challenged after the big bang of NYE.
    Glad you are taking steps to put yourself back on track and know that beating yourself up is probably not the answer. 🙂

    Here’s to a better day today and tomorrow an even better one!

    ~faithful

    • aisha January 5, 2013 at 8:31 pm #

      Dear Faithful,

      And yes, there’s that too ~ the post-holiday let down. Good reminder.

      And while beating myself up is not the answer, perhaps a beating from Sir might be???

      giggling…

      Hope you’re doing well,

      hugs,

      aisha

  4. vanillamom January 3, 2013 at 9:15 am #

    just fyi…i think it took a week to feel mentally “better” when I started the Vit D. Now I take it every other day (I have a pill phobia…what can I say?) and my head is still good. I used to take St. Johnswort, which helped a LOT…but almost made me manic when it was out of my system…I’d “crash”…of the two, Vit D works the best and is good for my old bones, too. Lecture over!

    Maybe, like naomi, you need to have a “practice time”…a moment or two of sitting and listening to the Universe? (Not necessarily ass up, but whatever works… 🙂 )

    Most of all, we love listening to your voice. You give me courage to be “down” without falling through the hole in my spirit. You lead by example. And you give ALL of us space to be.

    That’s a HUGE gift to this community of “misfits”, aisha.

    HUG and much love,

    nilla

    • aisha January 5, 2013 at 8:37 pm #

      Hi, ‘nilla,

      A week wouldn’t be bad – i can wait that long!

      And yessss, i’m quite sure that i need Naomi’s practice time, ass up or not. 🙂 i just need the training school to help me do it.

      And you know, the rest of what you’re saying, i don’t even know what to say to that except to blush and say “thank you,” i’m glad you feel that way.

      i love you too.

      many hugs,

      aisha

  5. faerie January 3, 2013 at 9:32 am #

    It’s nice to hear you feeling a bit better, hope it continues for you. Women in general tend to be very hard on themselves. I think it is that desire to live up to societal ideals that we are all superwomen. I gave up trying to be superwoman, now, I just want to be happy. I’m finding that to be truly happy, I need to be a bit selfish and even sometimes lazy and not feel guilty about it. It’s the not feeling guilty part that usually trips me up, but I’m trying 🙂

    • aisha January 5, 2013 at 9:02 pm #

      Dear faerie,

      Thanks for the support ~ i think you’re right, we can be hard on ourselves. Honestly, i don’t think i’m trying to be superwoman – not too much anyhow – just trying to find my way, so i’m glad you’re not working on being superwoman anymore either!

      Yeah, i’m better at taking a break, being lazy and taking care of myself than i am at not feeling guilty about it later. Funny, isn’t it?

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts here.

      hugs,

      aisha

  6. jade January 3, 2013 at 10:09 am #

    You know in order to “have it all” there is intense pressure to “be it all.” (In my head, that makes sense). It makes sense to feel a need to be grounded and it is scary when you can’t fall back onto familiar saints, humans who sometimes behaved badly and found their way (St. Valentine was a whore and may have had much in common with many of us ).
    i have similar emotions from not having physical family members to reach out to. That call to my grandmother on Christmas and New Years that i can’t make? i thought about her and cooked a meal that i knew i would serve to Sir Raven’s spiritual family and ancestors. There is something soothing in this, in lighting a candle and making a plate of food. As a part of her religion, some people use Catholic saints as a representative. i see the point there, that it matters less how we do things and more that we reach out at all. Maybe you could make your mother a nice plate? Or buy some flowers for her and put them in your house? Anything tangible and done with intent helps me spiritually.
    From the age of 12, i have asked myself what i would tell a client if they came to me with the same concerns. It might be crazy but it helps. It reminds me that i wouldn’t be shoving sunshine down their throat, insisting they feel anything other than what they are feeling. If i wouldn’t be mentally flogging someone else for how they feel, i figure i shouldn’t be doing it to myself either.
    And…i’m painting bottles. i made six of them so far. Guess who can’t stamp a freaking bottle? SR, of course, makes it look so easy!

    • aisha January 6, 2013 at 7:52 am #

      Dear Jade,

      i love that “asking myself what i would tell a client if they came to me with the same concerns,” that’a a great strategy, and i use it myself from time to time. i particularly love that you started doing it at 12. Another born therapist. 🙂

      It’s not the saints or the rituals that i miss, although i’ve decided to keep St. Anthony, who has found a zillion lost things for me over the years, and St. Christopher, who the Catholic church doesn’t even recognize anymore. In fact, between you and Burford, who commented on another post, this might be my blog post for today.

      Thanks for making me think about it….

      many hugs,

      aisha

  7. Wordwytch January 3, 2013 at 6:45 pm #

    While we all have our own ideas and thoughts, sometimes it take being ‘quiet’ to listen to that inner voice. There is a difference between being religious and spiritual. There is a difference between being led and walking your own path. It doesn’t happen in a second, but evolves over time. As Wolf often reminds me, the most powerful words are: “If it is to be, it is up to me.”

    Take your time. Know you are loved. And we are all just as crazy. 🙂

    Hugs!

    Wordwytch

    • aisha January 6, 2013 at 7:54 am #

      Thanks, Wordwyth, particularly for assuring me i’m not alone in my craziness. Of course, for real i’d go the other way and point out that none of us are actually crazy – whatever crazy means – any more than we’re normal – whatever normal means. Laughing… but we are all in the mix together, aren’t we? And i love y’all too.

      hugs,

      aisha

      • Wordwytch January 6, 2013 at 3:35 pm #

        🙂 You can be normal all you want. LOLOL! I like my eccentricities! 🙂 One of my favorite compliments was that someone I love told me that I remind them of Auntie Mame. 🙂

        And yes, we are all in this together. It’s called Friendship.

  8. Cassaundra January 6, 2013 at 1:01 pm #

    I have the same problem, aisha! I give amazing advice that I feel everyone I talk to should listen to…but I can’t advise myself or follow my own advice! If I did, my life would probably be much more on track and I would probably feel much better about things!

    You just take your time, figure out what you need, and make sure you get it. You’re a wonderful person and you deserve wonderful things. It’ll all come together for you.

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