Fifty Shades, Vagina, and More…

8 Jan

No, you can’t have fiona every day, i’m sorry.  Life is not all about training schools and good times.  {Laughing…}  But she’ll be back, i think she has a thing or two to learn about obedience.

But then don’t we all?

i finished 50 Shades of Grey ~ yes, light years after everyone else ~ and i only bought it cause it was on the counter of the used book store and i had money left on my gift certificate ~ but still, now i have things to say about it.

i liked it.  No, really.

Well, maybe i should have said first that i’ve always been a somewhat indiscriminate reader.  i’ve read more bad novels and even a certain number of Harlequin romances than i would care to admit to.

Um, i guess i read books like some people watch TV, some of the time.  i mean, i read what i think of as “good” books {or even “real” books} too.  Classics and work-connected stuff and some great fiction and essays and all that.

And i read junk.  Preferably good junk ~ in my mind, Nora Roberts is the best of escapist literature, but Danielle Steele and a slew of others can serve the same purpose.  Mindless and fun.

Fifty Shades is not as well-written as Nora Roberts, not as satisfying as J.D.. Robb, and if it didn’t have the kink element, it really would have been a Harlequin romance, and not a nine-days wonder.

The sex scenes weren’t bad, ~ maybe not great, but not bad, and i thought she pretty well captured that element of control that Doms do which may be my favorite part of TTWD..

i thought it was unfortunate that Christian {apparently} didn’t have a community to introduce Ana to.    Maybe that happens in one of the later books?  But i’m guessing not.

Or ~  lacking a real-life community ~ think how nice it would have been for her to have discovered the blogging community.  She could have started out commenting, but i think she needed her own blog.  

Can’t you imagine her writing out her concerns, releasing some of that angst?  And then we could have reassured her and helped her understand how it works.  

That whole obsession she gets with wanting to touch him when he doesn’t want her to and her insistence on hearing his life story ~ really, that was awfully intrusive, but then she doesn’t have any experience in romantic relationships either.  

So rather than getting in touch with herself, it seems that all of her energy is directed to trying to understand Christian.  She’s not focused on exploring her own sexuality, or enjoying what’s there and seeing where it takes them.  You know?   One of the things i value about the kink world is the self-exploration, and she does so little of that.

Yep, she needed a blog.  We would have been a big help to her.  And maybe him too!  If Christian had been in touch with DV or Florida Dom or David, they could have given him sage advice.  

Of course, i haven’t read the last two books, maybe there is still some emotional growth and a happy ending in store for us.

On a whole different note, i just started a book called Vagina, by Naomi Wolf, which i may or may not actually finish.  But the part that’s fascinating, so far, is that apparently women have all kinds of complex neural wiring from the genital region and apparently the reason some of us are more responsive to certain types of orgasms than others is simply because of different wiring.


So if you only have orgasms with clitoral stimulation, it’s because that’s what your “wiring” is best connected to.  Doesn’t mean you’re necessarily limited to that, but that’s always going to be easiest.

My problem with the book, unfortunately, is that i don’t trust her information.  She talks about orgasm as if it’s something that has to be carefully coaxed from a woman by dint of gentleness and patience, at least that’s what i think she’s saying, and we know that’s not always true.

BUT ~ before i dismiss her ~ maybe she’s really talking about  women needing a sense of safety in order to orgasm.  She has a complex explanation of this, involving the autonomic and sympathetic nervous systems.  That makes more sense.   So for her, feeling safe means one’s partner is gentle and slow ~ for us, it might mean we’re tied to the bed and being whipped.

No, really, that is what some of us need in order to give up control…

The challenge for me in reading this book is that it’s difficult to absorb new information and try to adapt it to what i know to be true at the same time.


i haven’t responded to comments on my post on spirituality yet, at the time i’m writing this post.  i am so amazed and touched at the lovely responses that it takes me a while to absorb them and respond.  Thank you all for being ~ well, you know, who you are.

To those of you who offered to send me book lists ~ yes, please.   That would be lovely. 

Physically, i’m feeling much better, and emotionally too, although i don’t expect an angst-free state for a while.  Ms. Constance’s blog post today really resonated with me ~ you can read it here ~ but the part that hit home for me was this:

Paralysis isn’t wasted.  I think the inability to move forward, or what feels like that, is often really the lesson in listening to oneself, that small, still voice that is so often drowned out, when the world is too much with us, late and soon.

Thanks, Ms. Constance.

7 Responses to “Fifty Shades, Vagina, and More…”

  1. vanillamom January 8, 2013 at 8:15 am #

    Maybe someone like me should write to the vagina lady and tell her about orgasms and pain? Coz M sure makes me cum like a fountain …


    Angst is all a part of the wheel. I hate it, but I’m learning to accept it. For whatever reason it helps me to think of moving *through* it rather than around it…like Ms. Constance’s words, it is a place of holding, absorbing…and then getting the fuck outta there when I “get it” (whatever “it” is my epiphany and the release to continue moving on, again)

    Here’s hoping you get your “moving on” again; and remember when you first start feeling better you get that surge? And then the next day you’re all tired and (not you, surely? LOL) grumpy…coz getting better doesn’t mean 100% back to “normal”..

    just food for thought (no calories, either!)



  2. vanillamom January 8, 2013 at 8:38 am #

    Man, you can’t shut me up today!

    I wanted to chime in about 50 Shades…I’ve not finished it as my reading time through the holidays was non-existent…and reading often puts me to sleep these days. But I’ve enjoyed what I read. Like you, I read avidly (before kids, at least) and lots of romance novels. NR is one of my favorite authors (as well as McCafferey for sci-fi) But for getting the word out to the mainstream about BDSM culture…maybe opening a crack in the door? I think it was maybe intriguing enough for a vanilla person to maybe look a bit deeper…and if it helps someone who’s been questioning themselves find this lifestyle? Help them find their own answers to their sexuality? Then I’m all for it. Is 50S 100% accurate? No. In as much as we *all* have different ways of doing TTWD, maybe, but we all have our own take on it. There is no “one true way” for any of us…that’s why I think it isn’t 100 per cent wrong, either.

    Just adding my 1.5 cents (can’t give ALL my sense away…LOL)

    nilla (okay, shutting up now!)

  3. Lady P January 8, 2013 at 9:30 am #

    Dear Aishas
    I’m with you! I read 50 shades a couple of months ago and liked it too. Not so much for the sex scenes. In my opinion 50S is a well-told emotional growth story of a young woman, in the face of meeting a man with special desires.
    I think Christian is a very one-dimensional character along with Anastasias parents, and I don’t think I will read the next two books, because I get bored with that.

  4. faithful January 8, 2013 at 11:43 am #

    Great post by Mrs. Constance. Gosh it resonated with me so much and I am glad you added the link.
    *** waving hi *** to her and thank you!


  5. Wordwytch January 8, 2013 at 1:57 pm #

    I have to admit that I did not like 50 shades. I voiced my opinion on my blog and my Goodreads profile. But, EMMV. (everyone’s mileage may vary) I’ve read better stuff on Literotica. The one who needed to chat on blogs was the author. I’ll stop now before I start to rant. And yeah, I still love all of you who do like 50 Shades. 🙂

    I’ve read bits of Vagina, and felt that the writer was too narrowly focused, and was treating women and orgasm like it was something she’d only studied. JMO. However, we are wired differently. Such wonderful variety. 🙂

    aisha, I hope you continue to feel better!

  6. sirqsmlb January 8, 2013 at 3:40 pm #

    It’s funny, 50 Shades of Grey seems to be such a controversial thing – both within the kink community and outside. It kinda cracks me up. I read all three. I read them for what I understood them to be, mildly kinky, not particularly well written but diverting material. What I got was …. yup – you guessed it…diverting material. I did not much appreciate the writing…but I wasn’t reading it for that. As far as I’m concerned, your stories are much better written – as are yours and many of the other bloggers out here that I read on a regular basis. That didn’t make it not entertaining for me.

    I do love that it has broadened some people’s horizons. The part I am a bit saddened by is the train of thinking that says the story is about christian’s redemption…meaning that he was broken and fixed.

    I don’t like to equate kink to being broken because … then fixed would be getting UN-kinky..which is where some folks in my neck of the woods have gone. And really, EEWWWW – who would want to get UN-kinky? YUK!

    OK…back on track. I loved that you thought she should have had her own blog. Oh – so true! We so could have helped a sub out =)
    I found your take on her wanting to know about his past and touching him and focus on him interesting. I would NEVER have thought that her obsession with his past and his unique limits as intrusive…they were, after all, fucking and a myriad of other things. IDK…just so was NOT something that ever crossed my mind. I do agree that self-examination was a bit shy and something that kink does provide a great deal of opportunity for. Wow… sorry – this got long quick.


    Oh – and btw, I get fiona every day – and so does Sir – hehehe

  7. Burford January 12, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

    You are aware 50 shades is a trilogy, right? I would guess all in all well over 1500 pages. As I read it, I kept thinking I could have written th is – only better – but then I didn’t so I guess I couldn’t. I have seen the author in several interviews and she is kind of what you would expect – heavy unremarkable British woman with ultrashort dresses and best, kinkiest BDSM heels you’ve ever seen. She has a nice big very spankable ass tho – but she gives no indication her husband ever gets to. She steadfastly refuses to admit she is BDSM – she just has BDSM fantasies – for which she evidently feels she needs to apologize – thus Christian is 50 shades of fucked up. I think its such a success because its “BDSM lite”. Its mostly a love story with limited BDSM scenes and nothing hard that shocks anybody. Oddly one male NY DJ admitted the books intimidate him and made him feel inadequate as a lover..

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