That Pesky Asking Thing

18 Jan

If you’ve been reading here, you already know that asking for things ~ anything ~ is not my favorite thing to do.  Sometimes, i would rather go without than ask.  

i know this is not a helpful way of being.  i am making an effort ~ have been making an effort ~ to change it.  i make progress.  Then i wake up and realize that i’m back in that “i’d rather die than ask” space.

Sigh.

You know, it comes from having to be self-reliant.  A long history of not getting what i needed taught me that i could get by without any help, thank you very much.

This is not all bad.  i’m pretty darn competent.

Too competent for my own good, that’s what the Dom i called MoR used to say.  Some of you may remember that.  It used to infuriate me when he said it, partly because i knew exactly what he meant.  Or at least what i thought he meant.

Cause what happens is ~ i need something, and i won’t ask for it.  Just won’t.  

i might talk around it.  About it.  Hint at it.  Allude to it.  But ask for it?  No, thanks.  i’ll wait for that cold day in hell.

Sometimes, i really want Him, my Sir, to tell me to do something.   i want to do the thing that i want Him to tell me to do too, but i also want Him to tell me to do it.  If i tell Him i want Him to tell me to do it, i’m pretty sure that’s me asking, not Him telling, even if He then tells me to do it.  {Is that sufficiently muddled and cryptic?}

But i want HIM to tell ME first, not after i ask Him to tell me.

Sigh.

Ok, stop it.  i know some of you have your hands poised on the comment button, ready to tell me i need to talk to Him about this.  Just stop right there.  {Laughing…}

i already know that.  Really, i do.  i mean, you can tell me again if it will make you feel better, but i already know.  Now if you just want to say, Poor baby, life is tough, and if you can say it without sounding TOO sarcastic, that would be appreciated!

{And for real, i value all your comments.  Even if occasionally  you do just tell me what i already know, it reinforces it.}

 

51 Responses to “That Pesky Asking Thing”

  1. abby January 18, 2013 at 8:56 am #

    IT was a little scary reading this..or not. I posted last night on…asking! Master wants me to ask more, it is an uncomfortable place for me. At least I know I am not alone! Good luck to both of us!..PS..Master told me…even tho sometimes it seems like it, He really is not a mind reader,,,,might be true of your Sir too!
    hugs abby

    • aisha January 18, 2013 at 9:17 am #

      Ha – i’ll have to go read that post. For sure you are not alone!

      And what? They’re not mind readers??? Damn. i was so hoping mine was. lol… and many hugs

  2. vanillamom January 18, 2013 at 9:00 am #

    Laughing….You? a crybaby? Oh, I don’t think so, at all. I think you’re learning to live with a Sir, blending a vanilla life into a D/s dynamic.

    As to the telling him to tell you? I got it and almost snorted tea out mah nose, laughing. Post it notes, m’dear. Stick ’em everywhere.

    At the very least you’ll get a beating for being impudent. I never do things half-way, though, so were I you, I’d put those suckers everywhere. ON his mug…IN his mug, even. ON the pillow, on his razor. Bathroom mirror, of course, and on the inside of the toilet seat where he can see it when he raises it…smack dab in the middle, one of those bright colored ones should do the trick, eh?

    *guffaw*

    Silly slut. (you, not me- i am being quiet honest and sincere here. yup. That’s me, your handy-dandy office-supply/communication facilitator- helper-person…(turns away hiding giggles) )

    nilla

    • aisha January 18, 2013 at 9:20 am #

      Hmpf, ‘nilla, sometimes this blending thing is like being in a blender! {Ha, not really, but i liked the way that sounded.} 🙂

      Post-it notes, huh? You know what, that’s a thought. Seriously. Thanks – um, handy-dandy office-supply/communication facilitator – helper-person. That might actually be helpful. {wanders off, scratching head…}

      • vanillamom January 18, 2013 at 9:45 am #

        its even better if you put them in unexpected places…underwear drawers, jacket pockets…so that they “pop up” all over the place…then again…i am the queen of overkill…

        🙂

        n

  3. HisLilAngel January 18, 2013 at 9:00 am #

    I’m the same. HATE asking. Loathe it…

    • aisha January 18, 2013 at 9:21 am #

      Yep. Here we are.

      Hey, you’re coming to the Kinky Bloggers Convention, yes? And would you be interested in presenting something? No pressure, but that would be awesome.

  4. Burford January 18, 2013 at 9:02 am #

    Sometimes people just need affrimation to know they make sense, aren’t crazy & have been heard & understood. You come from a background where you have always had to be the competent one – to rely upon yourself. Lonely place to be huh? Nice to be in a place where its not just you any more isn’t it? & its ok to be needy every now & then.

    • aisha January 18, 2013 at 9:25 am #

      Hi, Burford – This is true. After all, that’s a big part of why i blog. Sir likes to remind me that i don’t always have to be The Rock, but old habits die hard. Yes, it is incredibly nice not to be lonely ~ maybe i’ll add “ok to be needy” to that eventually! 🙂 Thanks.

  5. SirQsMLB January 18, 2013 at 9:31 am #

    OH, girl…were we twins, separated at birth (and by a couple of years)? You know self-reliance was just right there with Godliness I think. And yes, it is such a sign of complete and utter failure when I have to ask someone else for something. It’s something that Sir and I have worked on for Y E A R S. He sees NOTHING wrong with asking (assuming it was politely). It’s all me. I get better, then get worse. I typically stay at a fairly fucking-bad state of asking…but ttwd has certainly helped. The dark of night helps. The safe warm snuggling of our bed before we go to sleep is a wonderfully safe place to have those discussions.

    I love nilla’s idea of post-it notes. I like e-mail or text also. I just don’t want to feel like I am driving the train. I don’t feel the aphrodisiac of control is there when I have to ask…

    Also, as I commented to abby, I put myself in a much more vulnerable position when I ask something. He could reject me/my idea/my request. He could think me silly. He could….. I’m simply much more vulnerable when I ask…I put myself out there and disappointment or even hurt are possible outcomes and I’ve spent a lifetime making sure I don’t put myself in that position.

    Ugh…hmmm again I ramble. Sorry.

    Hmmmm…two things…if you come up with a magic pill for this, please please please let me know. Second, if you’re going to ask for anything…ask him to spank-the-shit out of you – followed by fucking-the-shit-out-of-you EVERY TIME you ask for something to help with the not-asking problem =) heheheh

    hugs,
    fiona

    • aisha January 18, 2013 at 9:40 am #

      Lol, fiona, we were separated at birth – about 15 years apart, i believe! But yes, self-reliance was a top virtue in my upbringing. Next to Godliness because – the Good Lord helps those who help themselves, right? Omg, i hadn’t thought of that in years. But there it is.

      Anyhow, yeah, i go up and down too, and it sucks.

      You’re right, nighttime is a good time to have the conversation, and writing is good too, except i feel like a chicken writing to someone who’s sitting right there next to me i mean, really????

      You’re not rambling, you’re right on target, i agree with everything you’re saying. But i particularly like that last idea. so that would mean if i ask for ANYTHING, a sound spanking and a serious fucking would result? Brilliant. i’ll have to go suggest that to Sir

      Hugs

  6. jade January 18, 2013 at 10:04 am #

    i have been known to place post-it notes *everywhere.* That way, they can be found whenever they are discovered. i don’t feel like i’m begging. The other person does not feel “forced.” i am a fan of the freezer and inside of favorite snacks for the purpose.

    i understand the issue, of course. If you ask it sort of negates the whole thing in a way.
    Or it feels that way.

    Personally, i am a writer and i communicate better that way. So, i write.

    In other relationships, i had a set of valentines day dice that i would turn to what i wanted. i had a pair of panties which indicated an urgent need to be fucked. i had a lamp which when turned on meant i was feeling insecure. i also used those frig magnets which are words that i used to spell out what i was needing. Possibly immature options but it worked at the time. All of those things relied on being able to send a message which didn’t feel like i was “making” a person do what i wanted *right now.*

    i have found, in this relationship, that is less important to me about the frequency of things and more important that i feel we are in sync.

    • aisha January 18, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

      Thanks, Jade, those are actually some nifty suggestiions. Yes, it is a self-imposed rule that i should talk to Him instead of writing. But that’s just me. i like the idea of all those signals!

  7. jade January 18, 2013 at 10:32 am #

    Okay…this may be more helpful to point out. i think i needed to add some whimsy to a situation that made me very uncomfortable. Have you ever asked him *how* he would prefer you communicate things that make you uncomfortable? You could possibly be adding extra pressure to yourself to have a face-to-face conversation when it isn’t needed. Of course, i could be totally wrong. 🙂

    i divide things in my mind into “i need this” and “i want this.” If i need it, i have standing orders to ask for whatever it is. Sometimes, we talk. Sometimes, i send a text in the middle of the afternoon so she has time to consider it while at work. (If i want something, i am encouraged to say that as well but its not an order because i take a lot of time to decide if i think its a fair request. Or if my timing is right. Or-basically-any reason i can come up with to NOT ask). lol.

    For the record, Sir Raven says please and thank you most of the time. And the things she is very direct about telling me…are things that it took me time to not feel a second or two of hurt. Like when i say literally two sentences, am speaking for the first time all day, and am cut off with one word “Enough!” When i wanted her to be direct at times, that was not exactly what i had in mind. lol. The point is, the more specific you can be, the better.

    • aisha January 18, 2013 at 5:00 pm #

      What??? Ask HIM how HE’d prefer i communicate at times like this? What a novel concept!! lol.. and a brilliant one. That really is a wise suggestion.

      i would divide things into wants and needs, but i’m pretty sure mine are all wants. Isn’t the full rule Don’t Ask/Don’t Need?

      But yes, i think it’s good to be specific, and i get that sometimes we get what we want and it’s not quite what we had in mind!

      Really thank for coming back and adding this.

      • jade January 18, 2013 at 9:07 pm #

        i think that it is a need once whatever-it-is gets in the way of your ability to be fully and authentically you. That is how i define need in this relationship. Also, i think that its entirely in the norm for s-types to feel the *need* for more….and that is really okay.

        Nothing wrong with wants, either. i just have to divide it in my head because if i understand i need something to be the best version of myself for SR, i feel justified in putting it out there. Wants can feel…i don’t know…pushy? to me.

        It helps me to have a framework for how to discuss difficult/complicated/messy things and needs. i asked to write and clearly i do that. In a way, i am exposing myself more to be writing and i know that. Yet, it is liberating in its own way. Sometimes, we do end up talking about something i wrote. Mostly, though, she makes a subtle change and it makes all the difference. i have to give her a chance. Otherwise, i am kind of deciding for her what she is willing to do or capable of choosing. But thats just me. 🙂

        Like you both see it, he has the final choice. It is still his choice. i fully get that because everything is her choice as well. i think the topping from the bottom thing creates a lot of crazy-making baggage and is nonsensical. But, again, thats just me. 🙂

      • aisha January 18, 2013 at 9:16 pm #

        Dear jade,

        “Just you” is really bright and insightful and i appreciate your wisdom. i’ll have to think about it tomorrow when i’m more awake, but i think there’s something in this want/need thing for me to poke around at. Thanks. And good night. 🙂

  8. Conina January 18, 2013 at 11:11 am #

    I get you. Especially when it’s asking-to-be-told rather than asking-for-activity. The being told thing feels so much LESS if it comes after a direct request.

    Me, I write fantasies and let him read. Sometimes after serious debate – do I really WANT him this much in my head?

    • aisha January 20, 2013 at 5:52 am #

      Hey, Conina,

      Yes, it does feel LESS if i’ve had to ask for it.

      Hmmm. My fantasies are most often NOT things i actually want. Maybe i need to go back to doing more realistic fantasies… Thanks for the suggestion!

  9. ancilla_ksst January 18, 2013 at 11:20 am #

    That could be me too. Asking for an activity is one thing (Will you spank me?), but asking for being told to do something, it seems to take all the fun out of it.

    • aisha January 18, 2013 at 5:16 pm #

      Hey, Ancilla, Yes, that’s the thing. It would be easier to ask for an activity ~ well not a lot easier, but a little bit easier. Thanks. i think what i need to do is talk to Him about my overall dilemma, right? Thanks for the input! 🙂

  10. night owl January 18, 2013 at 11:26 am #

    I can’t tell you to just tell Him because I am *exactly* like you. I HATE asking for things, asking for information, asking for help. It bites me in the ass often. I am trying to change, sense that I have to change, but it is a work in progress.

    I can quickly count five different places in my life right now where I should ask for help, ask for more information, ask for a deadline extension, ask for understanding, or ask for a change, and I *can’t* do it.

    ((hugs))

    • aisha January 18, 2013 at 5:18 pm #

      Another one! Cha-ching! Submissives Who Can’t Ask ~ we could be a game show.

      Yeah. There’s a lot of shame connected to not knowing and a lot of shame connected to needing. Those two things conspire against me often. In different parts of my life too. Sigh.

      At least we’re in this pot together… i suppose that could, theoretically, be a consolation…

      • night owl January 18, 2013 at 6:28 pm #

        It is a great consolation, indeed. It was a very lonely place before coming here.

      • aisha January 18, 2013 at 6:29 pm #

        Ah, that’s what i love about “us.” 🙂

  11. Atiya January 18, 2013 at 1:22 pm #

    I know exactly how you feel!
    Completely dislike asking for anything from anybody! I rather go without, or just wait til i can get it myself.

    Best wishes to you
    Atiya

    • aisha January 18, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

      Hi, Atiya! Thanks for reading and for commenting! Nice to know that you’re another one in the Don’t Ask group. i wonder if there are ANY submissives who don’t mind asking…

  12. Jz January 18, 2013 at 5:08 pm #

    Good lord, woman!
    He’s supposed to be the one tying you in knots, not *you*!
    ;-p

    Teasing aside tho, consider this re-wording for a second…
    (Exaggerated for purposes of illustration, not meant literally, I add preemptively.)

    “I don’t want him to think I’m trying to tell him what to do. So instead of just asking for his help, I’ll close myself off from him and make him jump through hoops to guess what’s bothering me. That’s really MUCH more submissive…”

    I know it’s not easy to ask — but I also know it never hurts as much as we expect.
    At least, not with the good ones. (which clearly include your Sir.)

    Be strong, little buckaroo!

    • aisha January 18, 2013 at 5:14 pm #

      Little Buckaroo??? Little BUCKAROO???? {Looks around} To whom are you speaking, Missy?

      {giggles…}

      Ok, hmmm, you might have a point there. And i haven’t actually closed myself off yet, i’m ~~

      ~~ ok, maybe i have just a little bit. Damn, you’re good.

      Ok and so i need to ask, and i need to open up and talk about it. Although ~~

      i’m pretty sure i asked y’all not to tell me i need to ask. It is a testimony to your skill that you told me that and made me like it. And hear it.

      Thanks, Jz.

      yY

  13. tori January 18, 2013 at 7:29 pm #

    I struggle with asking but its dependent on what im asking for! i think for me i struggled with accepting that i might get a “no” to what i was asking for.

    What made me want to ask more (and has made me improve) is he said that he would like for me to ask and by not asking i was holding part of myself back from him..and he wants all of me, i suppose it brings about communication..he wants to know whats going on in my head…i dont know why as even i dont know whats going on in there sometimes.

    I wander if its a struggle because its perhaps seen as topping from the bottom when really its not because asking doesn mean necessarily getting..that decision is there’s to make.

    • aisha January 18, 2013 at 7:59 pm #

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Tori. i had to really think about it, but i don’t think of it as being afraid of topping from the bottom – but maybe i am. i know that Sir isn’t concerned about that – he sees it as always His choice.

      i have to agree with your master that by not asking i’m holding something back, but ~ i don’t know Maybe it’s because we’re still relatively new together? i feel like i’m working through this, and somehow we’ll figure it out i don’t know. But i appreciate the support!

  14. nancy January 18, 2013 at 8:19 pm #

    Of course you’ll figure it out!

    I hate asking too.. and Sir loves to “force” me to ask for things..things I’m afraid of at the moment like pain, or things that humiliate me at the moment. And sure, I ask eventually.. he has his ways.

    Recently I wanted something to have or to do while he is away for a week or however long. .. I dithered about asking for ages.
    He wasn’t the least perturbed and in about a week he came up with something complicated but wonderful . Now if he will just actually leave town, I can try it out!
    Good luck with this .. and I think your Sir is right.. it is his choice at the very end of the road.

    • aisha January 18, 2013 at 8:41 pm #

      Thanks for the vote of confidence, Nancy!

      And thanks for sharing your story of your own struggle to ask. But now i’m curious – what did he give you to do??? {You can tell us} And if you don’t – then thanks for the good wishes anyhow. 🙂

  15. Wordwytch January 18, 2013 at 9:37 pm #

    I have about an hour until Date time and had to let my parents know I arrived, so figured I’d pop in. (and yes, Wolf is within arm’s reach:} )

    I’m in that “can’t ask/don’t ask club. We danced around the whole spanking issue until I asked. I really like nilla’s post it note idea. I may adopt that. 🙂 As it is, when we have a difficult topic, it is often dealt with in writing. Another thing you might want to do is work out a time for “safe conversation” where our D/s life bits need or want to be discussed. We have that, and it helps a lot. I guess you could call it the time when we both step outside TTWD and talk. Usually when we are still in bed and relaxed and in that ‘safe zone’.

    50 minutes and counting.

    • night owl January 18, 2013 at 9:59 pm #

      Yay. Countdown time!!!

      • Wordwytch January 18, 2013 at 10:02 pm #

        30 minutes…

      • night owl January 18, 2013 at 11:22 pm #

        I can feel it from here. Poor, lucky Wolf. May he have the endurance of a marathon runner.

      • aisha January 19, 2013 at 5:24 am #

        i’m with you, Night Owl, and i’m surprised i couldn’t feel it from here!

  16. Wordwytch January 18, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

    P.S. Wolf says post it notes IN the underwear…. A friend of his had a sub that did it. Oh, and on occasion, he’d forget to check his undies before putting them on. (snicker…)

    • aisha January 20, 2013 at 5:53 am #

      Wolf is too funny – or his friend is! Although… i guess it’s not a bad idea…

      • Wordwytch January 20, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

        teeheehee…..

  17. little monkey January 19, 2013 at 12:10 am #

    Crap…..This means I have to ask, doesn’t it? Well, yeehaw little buckaroo, looks like I’m out of the same mold. Jz really nailed it didn’t she?

    • aisha January 19, 2013 at 5:25 am #

      Yeah, i think it does mean that, Monkey. That darn Jz. {giggling} Little buckaroo. humpf.

      • Jz January 19, 2013 at 8:19 am #

        “Being Annoying”
        just another of the services I offer! ;-p

      • aisha January 19, 2013 at 8:24 am #

        You know I love you madly Jz, right?

      • vanillamom January 19, 2013 at 10:49 pm #

        am i a sub-club-failure because I like to ask? Or am I simply the greediest of us all? I don’t mind asking really. I rarely get…but I like asking…to me it is one of the rare ways I can be submissive to him during what are mostly vanilla-esque times (he would say there are no vanilla times between us, btw…that’s only from my perspective…)

        But there is not much of a way to get that Dom/sub thing otherwise for us…so if I want…say an orgasm or 50, I have to ask. He doesn’t like *begging* but he has nothing against asking..

        Can I still play with you? BTW…LOVED jz’s responses…another great discussion here even if I am in the minority…it’s okay –i’m very comfortable with how D/s works between He and i.
        🙂

        nilla

      • aisha January 20, 2013 at 5:56 am #

        Dear ‘nilla,

        You may well be “the greediest of all,” i wouldn’t judge that 🙂 but you’re sure not a “sub-club-failure.” That’s too funny.

        It is interesting that you like to ask though. Maybe you could teach us all how that works! And you better still play with us!

        HUG

      • vanillamom January 22, 2013 at 1:24 pm #

        oh, okay (and goodie! I get to play, still)….

        I’m thinking that these last 8 or so difficult years in my vanilla life made me aware that if I didn’t look out for myself, that i’d never get anything. I like to think I’m an easy person (many people would tell you I’m not…but I’m not a huge taker…way more a “giver” …time, service, etc.)

        Master is not a service oriented Master…maybe that would look different if we lived together. But it is not our dynamic….so asking is easier because I’m not needing to “do” for him all the time. I’d like to do more, I’m thrilled on those rare occasions he asks me to fetch him something, or do a service for him…but it’s rare.

        nilla

  18. perfectlypoly January 22, 2013 at 9:35 am #

    Hi Aisha! Just saying hello. I really related to this particular post. Love your writing style 🙂

    • aisha January 22, 2013 at 9:43 am #

      Well thank you very much! i’ll look forward to getting to know you!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Ten Thirty | The Monkeys Journey - January 27, 2013

    […] is not being able to ask for what I want. Asking has been a topic Aisha just wrote about “that pesky asking thing”, and I am solidly in the “it’s hard to do camp”.  This has very little to […]

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