The Dom Paradox, RFP’s and Possibly More

19 Jan
Monkey did  a post recently that ended with this:

One minute I was thinking how complex my feelings toward submission are, and the next my subconscious made a statement that startled the hell out of me.

“You think you’re conflicted”, said my brain, “Doms, by nature, have a massive contradiction already built in”.

Think about it, the drive to control, to challenge us, both mentally and physically, paired with that protective, nurturing instinct. “I need to push you to your limits and beyond, as much as I need to comfort you and brush away your tears “. How  much more conflicting even for the sadists? They hurt us and then comfort us because we are hurt. What an enigma.

How difficult must that be at times, to live with?

I’ve found myself pondering this post, and going back to reread it.  The last time i read it, a series of memories flashed through my mind.  

In high school, i had a girl friend who used to babysit. She once confessed that when she was watching an infant, after they fell asleep, she would sometimes wake them up, thereby making them cry, and then rock and console them back to sleep.  It kind of gave me chills when she told me, i must have been 14 or so, and i felt like i should tell someone, but didn’t know who to tell.

i thought about it for a long time, trying to understand it.

Then i remembered when i was dating my very first Dom, “Mike Moore”, i hurt my knee while we were out. i could barely walk, and he insisted on carrying my to the car and then into the house. i protested – he insisted – i apologized – and he grinned and said, “You know, I hate to say this, but there’s something kind of hot about you not being able to walk. I know, that’s sick isn’t it? But it makes you kinda vulnerable, and I like that.”

There was T, and my realization that he preferred him women a bit more emotionally fucked up then i was at the time.  i know, that sounds crazy, but he really did.  He needed me needier.

And my ex ~ not the first one, the second one, who was maybe a Dom.  He was at his best when i was at my worst.  If i was sick or upset, he was strong and sensitive and kind.  But he needed me to be weak for him to be strong, and you already know i wouldn’t pretend to be weak all the time or to be weak in ways that i wasn’t.

Actually, he took such good care of me when i was sick that i used to think maybe i should become a hypochondriac and just lay up on the couch all the time.  Ok, i just considered it for a minute, but it was kind of tempting.

And then i thought about MoR ~ for some reason that “too competent for your own good” has been floating through my head lately anyhow.  Whatever he meant by it at the time, it’s come to mean a lot of things for me.

Even JM the amazing analyst says that women who have a relationship with their father that keeps them safe and sheltered don’t develop the same kind of competence as those of us who were not so secure in that relationship.  It is, on some level, to some extent, a trade-off.  

And the message i got in some of those relationships was that less competent was better.  Youall know i don’t believe that the lesson from that is “Be less competent,” and i don’t believe that MoR meant that, and i know my Sir doesn’t want that.   i have just needed someone who didn’t need me to be smaller in order for them to feel bigger, and that not my point either.

But ~ here we go ~ here’s the point ~ the fact that i’m competent in no way means that i’m not also very vulnerable.  Doms are able to tap into that vulnerability, bring it to the surface, and make it safe to feel it, to be aware of it.

That is a delicate operation.  i appreciate the beauty of it so much.

Ok, so i’m not speaking for all Doms or all submissives by any means, and it probably doesn’t apply to every D/s couple.   But it gave me one of those nice aha moments, when something clicks into place for me and makes sense.

He leads me to take the risk of vulnerability, makes me fully aware of it ~ which is distressing, scary, and difficult ~ and then He makes it ok that i’ve done so.  How cool is that??



An RFP ~ Request for Proposals:

At the Kinky Bloggers track of the Bluegrass Leather Event on the first weekend in March, there will be a day of classes ~ four time slots.  Two classes will be specifically with us bloggers in mind, although bloggers would not be obliged to attend them, and other folks would be welcome to come.

One of them will be the kind of discussion we have here in the comments section, possibly about Blogging as a Healing Tool, and will relate to some of the aspects of trauma and healing that i often talk about.  There will also be a kink-aware therapist helping facilitate that discussion.

The other class will be on blogging ~ a wide range of  things to cover.  It might include:

ways to grow your readership, developing a style, content, and maybe a bit about both beginnings and ends – how to get started, how to know when you’re done.  


Pros and Cons of blogging: confidentiality issues, the toll on your relationship (or benefit to your relationship) — the sisterhood… 

and WHAT?  What would you like to see included in that?  

i know, i said The Dom Paradox, RFP’s and Possibly More – but there’s no time for more, and i like the title too much to change it.  

34 Responses to “The Dom Paradox, RFP’s and Possibly More”

  1. daddysverynaughtylittlegirl January 19, 2013 at 6:54 am #

    I have nominated you for “Very Ispiring Blogger” award you can find additional information here,

    • aisha January 20, 2013 at 6:10 am #

      Thank you very much, Daddysverynaughtylittlegirl. i certainly appreciate, and will respond to it soon, ok?

      Thanks again!

  2. jade January 19, 2013 at 8:39 am #

    Okay…so we live in a society that, as a whole, teaches some crazy-making gender rules. First, we tell women that they need to have histrionic disoder-lite to get a man. Then, we tell women they have to be Superwoman. For good measure, we tell men they must never have vulnerable emotions and then get all kinds of mad when they can’t feel or express a full range of emotions. And that is just our society, in general.

    In some ways, the archetypes of the “perfect Master” contains both the idea that they will be able to hurt us in caveman-like ways….and then nurture us in ways that go beyond what is expected of men in our society in general. They should also be mind readers, wealthy enough to keep us at home chained to something, and definitive. Oh, yes, and the “perfect slave” may well have some form of histrionic disorder and that is just fine. The “perfect slave” always knows when to be helpful and when to be helpless. She is able to be totally transparent, except for when her needs might possibly interfere with his desires. She has endless joy and energy and her home sparkles constantly. She is never cross or sick or menstrating.

    It’s like we took the gender rules of proper modes of emotion display and gave them steroids. We created a bunch of rules about it rather than just being happy that we are trailblazers, darn it. A group of people not content to just do their own sexy, crazy, beautiful thing. Sigh. Since women are taught to compare, compare, compare our lives with every other female we expect to see we are doing it wrong. Then we are freaked out because maybe the Master is doing it wrong also. Just all of *that* creates a lot of vulnerability, you know? For the non perfect Masters and the non perfect slaves.

    We all walk a delicate balance. For me, i see SR’s ability to beat me past begging as a part of nurturing and protecting me. Protecting us. Maybe that is how i avoid a conflict in my own mind, to lump all of those things together.

    As to the vulnerability questions….well, loosing my sight and control over my own body has done an excellent job of forcing me to admit i can’t do everything all of the time. There are a lot of gifts there. Color me surprised that people do generally want to help, feel good about helping and feel safe helping me because i feel safe asking for what i need. The more you ask, the more comfortable it becomes to accept the underlying vulnerability. The more you know what you need and how to get it, the less you call that “incompetence” in your own mind. i’m still stubborn…..very much so…..but i try real hard to use this in ways that are good for me rather than spinning my wheels.

    This is likely about fifty more thoughts than what you were looking for. See, i’m making up for last week when i was less chatty and had that speechless moment. 0.0 (My mouth isn’t made for talking. My brain isn’t made for thinking).

    • aisha January 20, 2013 at 6:14 am #

      Good grief, Woman, you did have some wonderful thoughts to share ~ and you know i love that.

      Hmmm. i think i will make this comment part of my blog post today. Thanks!

  3. nancy January 19, 2013 at 8:55 am #

    I’m so delighted to read your post this AM.. the last sentence in the Dom Paradox section said it perfectly for me. Sir is a nurturing sadist.. he struggled with that duality and feels comfortable in this skin of his.
    I’m the willing masochist who enjoys every second. Thank you for summing it up so very well!

    • aisha January 20, 2013 at 6:20 am #

      Hey, Nancy,

      i’m so glad you liked the post ~ and that it resonated with you. “A nurturing sadist…” Only in this community would that make perfect sense!

  4. striving for Peace January 19, 2013 at 9:05 am #

    I think I would also love to hear – and maybe just if we have some time together — but I would love to hear some of the bloggers read their favorite blog entry — to hear their voice

    maybe that’s just me.

    I love the ideas — I think others might want to know if blogging is for them and have us speak about what it’s brought us — as well as what it’s cost us.


    • monkey ;(|) January 19, 2013 at 10:15 am #

      OH. What a brilliant, exciting idea sfp!and I am absolutely crushed that I won’t be there.
      I don’t have more than a few years experience with individuals that I know are Doms and/or sadists, but this idea of the paradox has struck me on more than one occasion. I guess it might not be as big a question as I thought it might, since isn’t it lucky that they have us? Who willing seek them out to participate in that dynamic ? I’ll have to ask a Dom, I suppose (damn, did I just say I’d ask? there is that pesky asking thing again).
      You’re right aisha, it’s all about the vulnerability, being vulnerable, staying vulnerable, and staying aware of my vulnerability.

      • aisha January 21, 2013 at 7:43 am #

        Hey, Monkey,

        i’d love to hear some Dominants take on this though ~ go ask for us, would you please?

    • aisha January 20, 2013 at 6:22 am #

      O, that’s a brilliant idea, Sfp. i love that – to hear some of the bloggers read aloud. We could make time for that.

      Yeah, the costs and benefits of blogging… that’s something to think about too.


      • MsConstanceExplains January 20, 2013 at 1:34 pm #

        I think this is a great idea, too, and I do think it could work. If nothing else, we could have sound bites, too, which would at least allow people who weren’t there to hear it.

        Also, remember, we can do this next year, so if you’re not able to make it this year, there’s always 2014, and we can expand on it next year, too. Even if there’s something that sounds great we can’t do this year, then we can look forward to next year.

  5. greengirl January 19, 2013 at 12:17 pm #

    I struggle with vulnerability – both understanding what it really means, or at least what it means for me in my case, and achieving what i think it means. This helps me see more of what it means. So thank you.

    • aisha January 20, 2013 at 6:24 am #

      Hey, Gg,

      Yes, i think vulnerability is another one of those essential components of D/s that most of us struggle with. Fascinating, isn’t it? i’m glad this spoke to you. 🙂

  6. ytysreloaded January 19, 2013 at 1:20 pm #

    Aisha …. gawds im pumped. The convention, well it sometimes seems my recommendation only feels pertinent to me lol. But I’m so ready.

    Now the beginning of your post. I struggle so much when starting a relationship in the community for a few reasons. I won’t let someone come in and “break me to rebuild me”. Hell no. I think most of that it trust issues. Because like you I am very capable if doing it myself. Doing without before having to ask. Because I have for all of the major parts of my life.

    I often joke and say I need someone willing to brave the icy depths. To be as strong of a force as I am. To be my equal partner. How funny for a submissive to need that. But its true, be my equal or I will top from the bottom or wilt under a micro manager gorilla Dom.

    It is so very complex.

    • aisha January 20, 2013 at 6:34 am #

      Hey, andi,

      i’m so glad you’re pumped about the convention ~ i’m THRILLED that you’re coming!! i bet whatever recommendation you’d have would be pertinent in general. Just saying.

      i love “someone willing to brave the icy depths,” That makes perfect sense to me, and of course you would need that.

      And good heavens, yes, it is complex!!

  7. SirQsMLB January 19, 2013 at 2:00 pm #

    Hmmm…well, as I clearly fit the “very competent” mold, this post (as ALL OF YOURs do) spoke to me…You know, I think, in some ways, that being very capable and competent means that in some ways we are more vulnerable with our Doms. This is because we have safeguarded our hearts and souls. We have made sure that we are not easily broken or penetrated and hurt by being competent. Letting our Doms see our vulnerability is a huge act of trust. It is extraordinarily freeing, but it is something that requires a lot of trust…

    As for the convention…I think that fiona and naomi were onto something (hint, hint, nudge, nudge)…or their Sirs were…I think the stories were so appealing to me because I want to grow and improve myself. Be a better me in many areas…including my submission. Now the tricky part is that not all bloggers are submissives… So…maybe something that can help us grow in our role…IDK

    I also like the idea of exploring why we blog, what we get out of it, what got us started…that could work well as an opening…ice breaker kinda way. Also…technical…what’s out there….why blogger vs. wordpress vs. other…analytic devices…widget exploration …etc.


    • aisha January 20, 2013 at 6:36 am #

      Hey, Fiona,

      Thanks for sharing your ideas for the KBC – great suggestions. Do you know anything about the technical aspects, or do i have to go on a search to find someone who does? For sure, i don’t!

      And yeah, i think we are mostly all about self-improvement and growing into our roles. What a great topic!

      Thanks, my friend.

      • vanillamom January 20, 2013 at 9:22 am #

        fiona could teach a sub-math class….how taking away one’s negative imagery makes a positive impact (oooh, math terms from nilla…!) LOL!


    • MsConstanceExplains January 20, 2013 at 7:25 pm #

      There is a traditional Meet and Greet in a bar on Friday night, for contestants and judges to get to meet each other. There’s also a munch that night, too, so the I think that maybe depending on when people are coming, the bloggers might want to retire to another location for their own meet and greet. Not that you’d not be welcome, of course, but it might make more sense.

      The website for Bluegrass Leather Pride, the host of the Kinky Blogger’s Convention is up and running, too, here:

      • aisha January 21, 2013 at 7:46 am #

        Thanks for the information Ms. Constance ~ yes, i think we might begin to gather at the munch and then to have a separate meet and greet would be awesome. Thanks for the link to the website – this is going to be fantastic!!

  8. vanillamom January 19, 2013 at 10:53 pm #

    I loved monkey’s post as well, and it made me think…and I was thinking tonight as I was driving home that I want to re-read it, so thanks for the synopsis here! Am so wishing I could be at KBC… too bad vanilla life got in my way. *sigh*


    • aisha January 20, 2013 at 5:58 am #

      You know my heart is half-broken that you can’t come, but i totally understand. It will not be the same without you though, and i keep trying to think of some way you can be there in spirt.

      • SirQsMLB January 20, 2013 at 10:15 am #

        hmmm….sub-math class…THAT i could do!!! And nilla, you need to make sure that you are multiplying the negative imagery AND the Removal of such imagery to get a positive impact (hehehe).

        Technology….though I am technologically very competent, I’m not blogger/wordpress knowledgeable.

      • vanillamom January 22, 2013 at 1:26 pm #

        I know…but for 2/3 of your event time, I’d be at work 😦

        Life is like that …and there is next year to think about. (Yeah…i’m that much of a planner)!


  9. Wordwytch January 20, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    Lots of interesting thoughts here that I am trying to sift through my brain. So here it goes… Some D/s relationships do work best because of that ‘broken aspect’. And it goes both ways… the need to fix and be fixed… and all those variations inbetween. I believe that Doms do need to push subs to their limits in order to make them grow. It’s like strength training. If you don’t go to that ‘burn’ point, you gain nothing. No new muscle mass. So yes, they do need to push. Otherwise we don’t learn/grow/change, etc.

    They also need to catch us when we ‘fall’. That is compassion on a very interesting level. And to be honest, any good parent, drill sargent or Dom, does the same thing. They push the individual to grow beyond who or what they are and when the person can’t cope or fails, the catch them. I don’t see an issue with this. Not in the least.

    For some relationships, it is all about the growth. The fact that the Dom helps the sub to improve beyond what they were is part of the relationship. For others, it is a different kind of game. To each their own, and the important bit is the recognition of the dynamic.

    Funny part is when I was writing this, I typed Dmom… and then corrected it. Then I thought about it. Strict and loving mom’s are often those most loved. Other times is is the mom that helps us get over issues that is loved best. Real differences is that we choose our Doms.

    • aisha January 21, 2013 at 7:55 am #

      Ok, but i don’t think it’s “broken vs fixed” at all. i mean, not anymore than for all of us, that we are all broken in some ways, and we are also all whole.

      But there are as many different flavors of D/s as there are couples, i think. i tend to think that they should have a positive effect on both of the people involved – or all the people involved, but it sure can look like different things for each person.

      ANd for sure there are some parental aspects to Domming, arent’ there?

      • Wordwytch January 21, 2013 at 6:34 pm #

        I used broken or fixed as a shorthand for a concept that could have taken a whole page to explain. I know it isn’t exactly that, but I was too tired to try and explain it any other way. (not enough sleep, a passive/aggressive DIL, etc)

        We all have different levels of need. Maybe I should have said it that way. And I like, enjoy the reality that there are so many different flavors of D/s. Otherwise,… it would be vanilla. 🙂

  10. Burford January 20, 2013 at 5:09 pm #

    If I may interpret for MoR who sounds like a bit of a pontificating asshole to me whom I would ignore if I were you, were I your Master based on my reading of you, I would read “too competent for your own good” to mean you are sufficiently competent to do just a whole raft of shit all the way from handling the legal issues of getting me out of tickets on riding illegally in the hotlanes of the DC beltway to getting my taxes done. I have lived with women whom I can’t trust to write a check. You, on the other hand, are competent to do all that plus act on my behalf in a lawsuit. Before you know it, I have you so busy saving my life there’s no time left to get you naked over my lap and spank your ass. I think MoR must have meant that. I think you are so competent it would be easy with you just to enjoy being with you and it would be easy to lose track of the BDSM part of you. You are incredibly high functioning & if I want to not function at all – you could easily supplant me. That would be a Dom’s delimma with you.

    • aisha January 21, 2013 at 8:23 am #

      i had to laugh when i read this, partly just at you interpreting for MoR, who was not really a pontificating asshole, at least not most of the time. But also at the exaggeration inherent in your response, although i certainly appreciate the compliment, unrealistic though it may be. Thank you. i can, at the very least, be trusted to write a check.

      And i think our points are not so far removed. It is, in a way, that competence, which is a strength, that would make it “easy to lose track of the BDSM part” of me. And it is the BDSM part that is more vulnerable and needy. Yeah.

      Anyhow, i do appreciate the kind words, and i suppose that is not the worst dilemma a Dom could have.

      P.S. i removed your second two messages – if you want them back up, just let me know.

      • Burford January 24, 2013 at 12:01 pm #

        Thanks. Its not that easy to see on a non-smart phone what is accepted and what is lost in attempted transmission.

      • aisha January 24, 2013 at 12:17 pm #

        No problem. 🙂

      • Burford January 24, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

        You said “And it is the BDSM part that is more vulnerable and needy”. Thinking about that. I would interpret the BDSM part of you as being the essence of your being – it is one of the factors in your make up that makes you uniquely you. Trying to reason through that – I would interpret needy as you somehow feeling that part of you needs to be approved of by others and supported – essentially supported for being who you really are.
        “Needy” implies you some how view it as a “less than” part of you and I rather think of that part of you as the icing on the cake – you have all the other wonderful qualities and on top of that, at least somebody somewhere gets to spank you. Tell me how life gets any better than a deal like that?
        So why the need for being needy? Why not just tell the person what you want?
        Some years ago, I was with someone who just loved to be spanked. At one point, she said to me rather bluntly, “you are going to have to step up that part of our relationship considerably for what we have going on here to be acceptable to me”. I appreciated the insight. Without the urging, I had just gotten to enjoying all the other parts of being with her to the extent that that part of her had gotten a bit lost along the way.
        And I am equally convinced had she not told me and I not responded in a fashion more acceptable to her, somewhere along the way, her silence on that topic would have festered – one of us would have become resentful because our basic needs weren’t being met, and that relationship would have ended a lot sooner than it did.
        The above are just some random thoughts that might lead you to look at this from a different direction. To me, it seems such a small thing for you just to ask the people you love to do special things for you that will make your life so much happier. When one considers the list of world ills out there – death, destruction, war – this just seems like such a small thing to ask of those around you.

      • aisha January 24, 2013 at 5:25 pm #

        Well. When you put it that way, it makes perfect sense. i guess i should go talk to Sir Thanks.

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