Submissive Controversy

Lots of conversation here in Blogland about what it means and doesn’t mean to be submissive – all interesting discussions.  The original piece that generated the responses was apparently written in response to another blog post, and therefore not even in context, so i’m not making any comment on that.

And really, i have probably already talked the idea to death in different blog posts.  Thoughts drift through my mind.

i think of my old lover, Mike Mudd, saying, “You know how to get a woman to mind you?  You just tell her to do things she already wants to do!” and laughing as he said it.  

“Come here to me, i’m going to make you have 5 orgasms.”  With that for a starting point, you don’t have to be submissive to say, “Yes, Sir!” with enthusiasm.

But there is such conflict generated by the idea that if you struggle to submit and obey, it means you’re not “truly” submissive.   Since submission has as many flavors as ice cream, that’s probably not a sustainable argument.

A while back, i wrote about something i’d read  that talked about sub-categories of submissives ~ ones who obeyed quickly and readily and others who needed to be overcome before they could submit.   {i’m describing that really roughly, sorry.}

This morning i tried googling to find it again, but couldn’t.  i found different ways to categorize types of submissive, but they tended to classify us based on extent of participation in the lifestyle.  Other authors had as many as 9 categories of submissives, and i didn’t read those.  Too complex for me today.

But it occurred to me that the conversation has had the required elements for the drama triangle, and i am impressed with our community that it has not generated fiercer, more unkind drama.  Whenever someone lays down strong opinions as if they were self-evident truths, it will sting someone.

When we feel stung, it hurts, and it may put us in “victim mode.” The first person, the one who’s hurt us, is cast as the perpetrator, the bad guy.   In a community, this split invites others to take sides as rescuers.   

That creates the drama triangle, and in many situations, people end up putting all their energy into defending one point of view over another.   Often, we practically lose sight of the original argument as we begin to disagree on who’s right and who’s wrong.  As people hurt each other’s feelings, the drama intensifies, and gets more painful, and pulls others into it and… 

it can be a real mess.

What i love about the blogging community is that we seldom let it descend into the depths of that trap.   Calmer voices speak up, not in blame of anyone, but expressing their own perspective.  Not trying to impose it on others, but clearly stating where they stand.

That is what saves us from the drama triangle – the ability to say where we are NOT in reference to anyone else, but in our own voice.   What someone else says can be a starting place, it can generate lots of ideas.  And we may initially react to that, from the heart, with passion.

It’s helpful to be able to do that ~ initially.  But once the dust settles a bit, it is just as important to be able to step back and think about it, not in reaction to others, but from our own space.  Important to be able to find our own wisdom.

i’m leery of extremes ~ always and never, everyone and no one ~ those are almost always inaccurate.   Not just the words, but the concepts.  Real life is generally more nuanced than that.   

My submission is not just like anyone else’s, and it is a whole lot like everyone else’s.   We have so much in common, it is the differences that we can treasure and celebrate.