1 Feb

Yesterday, fiona was asking questions about the KBC {Kinky Bloggers’ Convention} and wanted me to remember what it was like back when this was all new to me  ~ like August, 2010.  Not exactly ancient history, but it sure seems like a long time ago

i recorded it all here in lurid detail and four-part harmony.   Of course, that experience was actually defined by Sir D, who was a very experienced Dominant.  

It was also a transformative experience for me, that particular night, that particular series of events.  And now i have to think about what i want to say here.

You know, we all carry stuff ~ baggage ~ old tapes ~ whatever you want to call it ~ from childhood.  It doesn’t have to be “abuse,” but there’s always stuff, just because we’re human, and so are our parents.  

The events at that first play party were transformative for me.  They allowed me to shed some of the baggage i carried.  Partly through the experience, partly through writing about it, and then with great clarity in a therapy  session with JM, the amazing analyst.

i shed some of that old stuff like a snake sheds its skin.   Shame, slipping off my shoulders…  it was pretty amazing.

The process of BDSM, done well, is soul work, i think.  When not done well, maybe not so much, but who knows?

Tori at Pains Pleasure writes about a recent situation in Britain that demonstrates one of the things that can happen when people don’t know what they’re doing.  Lack of communication, lack of awareness, lack of sensitivity ~ those things can cause so much damage.

But then who knows?  Maybe this is just part of their path ~ probably not a path that continues together, but we learn and grow and move on.

It makes me grateful though that {other than my brief second marriage} i have been with Dominants who were experienced, careful, and caring.  

Which makes me think of the comment Buford left on my post about the “Submissive Controversy.”  i thought it was powerful and cut through the controversy to the heart of the matter, and since he just left it yesterday, and you may have missed it, i’ll quote it here:

I never saw this as a cut and dried/black and white issue – it is about cooperation and the titles we give are just handles to refer to roles in a play – submissive – Dominant – or my personal preference Master and Slave. Submissives are not the only people to go into headspace during play – good Dominants do too – its what makes what we do real for both of us – or at least real enough that we both get our needs met. Submissives are simply people who get their joy in one way while Dominants get theirs in another way – and the wonder of it all is that we found each other in such a perfect fit. One without the other is nothing; yet, together, we can do everything. At our best together, we create events of such great beauty that years after that event, one looks at the other and says….”remember the time we …..”

What separates good Dominants from true sadists is that Dominants do not go the serial torture killer route gouging out eyes, severing limbs and killing people – Dominants among us are just thrilled to be able to take the one we love to the edge – and then bring him/her back not just safely but with considerably more happiness and pleasure than we started the project with. Another good title for a loving dominant would be “care giver” – its just more cumbersome to use and is not in line with the evil people we like to envision ourselves to be.

11 Responses to “Memories…”

  1. vanillamom February 1, 2013 at 8:41 am #

    I found that comment from B to be so interesting that I forwarded it to my Master for his thoughts on it. We don’t talk about our D/s roles so much…they’re kind of defined. Not stagnant, but I wonder what he’ll think about this. I was especially taken by the line “one without the other is nothing…”

    and about the idea of Dom-headspace was interesting. And of course it must be true…it must serve a deep need in a Dom to do the things they do to us. We’re willing (willing? Ha! GREEEDY as hell) to take what they do, and we BOTH get off on it. Whether that means kneeling at the door at the end of the Dom’s day, or making coffee, or laying over the bed or fighting back – whatever is YOUR definition of submission and Dominance…at the end of the day, if it’s done well, both parties are satisfied, even if sexual satiation is NOT achieved. It often (for me) goes deeper than that…there are many days I do not get an O, and its just part of TTWD that is a torture that I enjoy.

    Either that or I’m just a sick fuck, right? 🙂

    Excellent post.

    As to the whole “new-firstie”…I remember walking into the munch when I was visiting you, and feeling so awkward. Now, I wonder if that feeling would be mitigated by a *group* of subsis’ or subbro’s walking in together…Its the whole “omg what do I say/do/be”…for instance I chose to maintain my subbie name and not use my vanilla one on my entire trip. And —could i look at them and not be rude? Can I talk to them and not show how new/green I am?

    It’s like going to the spouses Christmas party for the first time…with a twist!


    sorry for the novella I left here today. This was an especially wonderful post for me.

    • aisha February 2, 2013 at 6:59 pm #

      Dear ‘nilla,

      i love your “novella!”

      i’d love to hear your Dom’s thoughts on Burford’s comment too.

      And i love to hear you talk about your experience when you were here. i know, that’s a lot of “loves,” – can’t help it. 🙂



      • vanillamom February 3, 2013 at 9:37 am #

        no. no you don’t want to hear what Master said. No. 🙂


        And I’m really glad you love me. Cos yanno? I love you right back!


  2. abby February 1, 2013 at 11:29 am #

    Hi,,i have been wanting to comment on your posts all week, so much to think about..but my week has,,,well not submissive. I want to do a post on types of subissives, and would love to borrow your quote at the end of this post.
    hugs abby

    • aisha February 2, 2013 at 6:47 pm #

      Dear Abby – you may borrow any quote i use any time with my full blessing! 🙂 i love that we challenge each other to think, and i’ll look forward to reading your post!

  3. Conina February 1, 2013 at 12:00 pm #

    That’s an excellent comment – thank you for reposting, I stopped reading the comments there before that one came.

    I don’t think I’m a play party sort of girl – but I love to read about others going and the kinds of fun they have.

    • aisha February 2, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

      Thanks, Conina, i’m glad you liked the comment – and yeah, i figured most people weren’t reading them by the time it came.

      i hear what you’re saying about not being a play party sort of girl ~ and i remember Sfp saying she didn’t think she’d ever do anything with a BDSM community too. Just saying…

  4. mouse February 1, 2013 at 5:18 pm #

    Wonderful post aisha,

    Nilla’s remarks were spot on too..

    Hugs and love,


    • aisha February 2, 2013 at 6:38 pm #

      Thanks, Mouse – yes, i totally agree with what ‘nilla says too!!

  5. Wordwytch February 2, 2013 at 6:35 pm #

    Great stuff today! 🙂 You and Nilla were on a role.

    • aisha February 2, 2013 at 6:37 pm #

      Thanks, Wordwytch! 🙂

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