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Notes from Kinky Kollege

2 Nov

Yesterday’s comments were so interesting – i love the perspective each of you brings.  Really, really we need to have a kinky bloggers convention ~ think how cool it would be if we could sit around drinking coffee – or wine, or whatever – chatting about this stuff!

Ok, i know, i’m relentless.  Yes.  And youall are shy.  Whatever.

Sigh.

That’s ok, when the time’s right, we’ll make it happen.

But i was flipping through my notes on Kinky Kollege ~ i went to see Tammy Jo Eckhart talk on Writing Erotica to Communicate.  It was an excellent presentation, she’s smart and interesting, and read us a short story she’d done, which was fun.  Here’s her website:  http://www.thetammyjo.com/

But you know, i already write erotica to communicate, and so do most of you all.  So when she talks about the six goals, i’m mentally checking them off ~ yep, that, and that….

Which is exciting in its own way ~ being in synch with the expert.   You know, it’s a workshop thing.  When you start going to workshops on a particular topic, it’s all new and eye-opening.  

Then there’s a phase where you know a lot and you’re checking to see if they’re approaching it differently or if you’re missing something.  That’s kind of where i am now, at least with this particular workshop.

Here, you’ll see what i mean ~  look at the six goals she identifies for using erotica to communicate:

1.  To express desires define what you want, not necessarily what you need.

2.  To create a safe place to have dialogue about it.

3.  It gives you a chance to explore possibilities with little chance of failure.  Start with the fantasy and go from there.

4.  To help you investigate your feelings.

5.  To help you clarify your opinions.

6.  To identify role models.  {i think she was referring here to using other people’s erotica to communicate… but i could be wrong.}

Anyhow, those are things that we already do, whether we write our own blogs, read other people’s, comment, or just lurk.  It’s nice to see it kind of laid out like that though…

And tomorrow, Sir and i have a date.  Which makes me tingle just thinking about it.  i have no idea what we’re going to do ~ and don’t care.  

i started to say “anything would be ok with me,”  but that might be pushing my luck.  Let me stick to “i don’t care what He has planned.” 

And Saturday, we’re going to the munch, which will be fun.  It would be even more fun if there were a play party afterwards… but a sub can’t have everything.  

Hopefully, Sir and i will stage our own play party…  visions of canes and collars, cuffs and clamps dance in my head.

 

In Need of Correction…

24 Oct

No, not me, in need of correction, well not exactly… but my post about Jay Wiseman and rope is in need of correction.  Next time i decide to quote technical stuff, i’ll consult the expert before i hit “publish.”

So, along with a Friend Request on fet, i sent Jay {i think it’s ostentatious to call him “Jay Wiseman” all the time, don’t you?  Like i want to make sure you know it’s not just ANY Jay…}  Anyhow, i sent Jay a link to the post today about his class.

He sent me a message back.  It said:   

Hi (again) aisha,

Thanks for this. It’s very well written and I appreciate your comments.

Oh, two clarifying comments:

1. The actual quote is..
the scrotum
is not
a load-bearing
hardpoint. 😉

2. Numb limbs in bondage make me a bit nervous. True, numbness per se (absent “bad pain”) does not seem to correlate with an increase in post-bondage problems, but I’m not entirely comfortable telling people to ignore numbness — even if, perhaps, it would be fine to do so. Under the “less than 120 minutes” parameter, I don’t really care about changes in color or temperature, or whether or not one can slip X number of fingers under the ropes, but numbness does make me a bit nervous.

(If you’d like to do a copy-and-paste of the above to your blog, and this comment, I’d be fine with that.)

Your blog is very interesting and thoughtful. I just may come back to it from time to time.

Best regards,

Jay

i thought that was a lovely correction, and appreciated it and the kind words about my blog too, of course.  And now you know…

…the rest of the story.

🙂

The First Class

24 Oct

The first class i went to was Jay Wiseman’s and it was terrific.  He’s funny and laid back and the class flowed nicely.

There were safety lessons ~ mostly the ones i’ve mentioned:

“Bad pain” is the best predictor of a problematic outcome with bondage under 120 minutes ~ “Bad pain” = STOP.   Of course, we all knew what he meant by “Bad Pain,” as opposed to good pain.  Numbness is worrisome too.*

ER trips are mostly due to a fall of some sort.

The scrotum is not a load-bearing hardpoint*.

And ~ i don’t think i told you this one, but it’s maybe the most important one.   BDSM fatalities occur primarily when someone is in severely restrictive bondage and they’re left alone.    

So, ‘Nilla, in your recent story about the adventuresome dogs, i’m glad her Master had only pretended to leave her alone.  

Because ~ saying it again ~  tying her up securely and leaving her is the riskiest thing to do in terms of potential fatalities.  He told a couple of stories about events that led to death, which i don’t remember in enough detail to share, but you know, he has his own website and everything here.

His class was not all talk.  Entitled “Rough Rope, Bondage, Erotic Torture, and Predicament, All in One!” he demonstrated bondage with sisal rope on a very willing victim.

Let me say again, he used sisal rope.  It’s that kind of rough rope that looks like it’s fraying already.  Like this:

Just looking at it, you know it’s going to be kind of itchy and uncomfortable.  And apparently, it is uncomfortable as you get wrapped, but once it’s securely tied, it’s ok ~ unless you move.  Then it’s um, uncomfortable, all over again.

Hence the predicament part of the bondage.  You’re fine, unless you move.  

He described it in psychological terms as an approach/avoid conflict ~ so you “approach” moving, only that’s uncomfortable so you want to avoid it.  But you need to move, so you approach again…

Sin, your Master would love it.  Jay mentioned a couple of things that would force a submissive to move.

Laughter.

Or ~ even better ~ an orgasm.

It was fun watching him restrain his volunteer,  a willowy redhead who stripped to her panties happily and clearly enjoyed the experience.

It was interesting watching her face.  Knowing what it feels like to be restrained, to feel the rope going around me, to feel myself being wrapped…  well, watching her face brought those sensations back.

He put her arms in a harness behind her back, brought the rope between her labia, and then ~ i don’t know if i can describe this right ~ he pulled one piece of it taut between her legs.  Then he wrapped and twisted some more so he ended up with the rope divided so he had two pieces.

He brought the two pieces up between her legs too, but on opposite sides of her labia.  So ~ are you picturing this ~ the one rope is right in the center, then the two strands of rope run on the outside of the one rope, pressing firmly against her…. yeah.

She was a happy sub.

He made her sit, and that was fun to watch.  i know what it feels like from the inside, and it’s like a tiny taste of it to watch her experience it.

There was a woman in the audience who’s new to kink ~ i know this because she announced it several times.  About my age, she’s pretty sure she’s a Domme, and is looking for knowledge and experience.

So she pipes up at some point and wants to know, “What’s she getting out of this?  I mean, what’s in it for her?”

And i had to laugh, because it was so obvious to me that our rope model was in seventh heaven at that point, happily flying in her own head.  But Jay asked her to respond ~

~ and of course watching her try to come back and find words for what she was feeling was fun too.  

Jay commented that sometimes it seems like he’s just the ground crew, and of course we know what he means.  He was doing all the work.  

She was flying…

Makes me smile just remembering it.

* These parts were originally wrong, see In Need of Correction for an explanation. 

 

 

A Few Things I Learned at Kinky Kollege…

23 Oct

This is just a preliminary, right?  But here we go:

i have six new books to read.  Six.  Am i insane?  {Laughing…) 

Just click on the title for a link to more information about the books.  i now have:

Urban Tantra:   sacred sex for the twenty-first century by Barbara Carrellas, because i heard she does a good job with tantra sex.

Living M/s and Sex, Stories and Power Exchange, both by Dan and dawn Williams, because i’m wild about them and their presentation on sensual humiliation was fabulous.

The Ethical Slut and Radical Ecstasy, both by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, because my daughter’s been telling me for 10 years that i should read The Ethical Slut, and the other one just looked really good.

Ask the Man who Owns Him by david stein withDavid Schachter, because Raven recommended it when i talked to him at COPE.  They interview 16 gay M/s couples and try to identify the traits of the relationship that make it successful.

That should keep me busy for a while!

i discovered that the sound of someone playing with a whip is hot, and commands immediate attention, even if it’s in the vendor area.

i learned that there’s something called “anal relaxer” which purports to relax the area without numbing it.  Sounds like a good idea.  i always thought numbing it could be kind of risky.

i found out about “cell popping,” which is like a temporary form of branding.  Yeah, a temporary brand.  No, i didn’t get one!  i didn’t even go to that workshop.

Jay Wiseman, author of many books and rope expert, admired my collar (yes, really!)  AND ~ we chatted a little at dinner Saturday night, and discovered some common interests.  He testifies as a BDSM expert sometimes, and was telling me about DSM diagnoses that he’s gotten to know all about.  Then he was telling me about a therapist he knows with interests similar to mine.  i said i’d be interested in sharing information with her.

Anyhow, today, as i was leaving the event area, he stopped me and asked me to friend him on fetlife, so he can connect me with the therapist he knows.  Now, i’m sure he has a zillion and a half friends, but still, he asked me to friend him.  i think that’s pretty cool.

i have a  whole new reading list of books, scattered throughout my notes.   For example, The Alchemy of Love and Lust, by Theresa Crenshaw.  That sounds interesting, doesn’t it?

i learned that an important rule to remember in bondage is that ~ and i quote ~ “the scrotum is not a load bearing hardpoint.”*  Apparently, if you attach one end of a rope to the top of someone’s scrotum, and the other end to something that is not part of that person’s body, really bad things can happen.

Like, just for example, if you’re leading your slave around that way in a BDSM club, and you’re wearing spike heels, and you fall ~ that can quickly lead to a trip to the ER.  And ~ the most likely cause of a trip to the ER is a fall.  Or, um, a trip…

Funny, if it’s not your scrotum attached to the end of the rope, right?

Ok, enough for now.  Almost time to figure out what to do for dinner…

 *Originally misquoted, see “In Need of Correction” for explanation…

Dinner on Saturday

23 Oct

Conversation at dinner:

Me, to the man a little bit older than me, sitting next to me:  So, are you having fun?

Him: No.

Me: {after a long pause} Well. Well, I’m not trying to be nosy or anything, really, just making conversation, but how come you’re not having fun?

Him: I thought this was a gay men’s event.  I didn’t expect all this.

Me: {pause} O. Well. i guess i can see how that would be disappointing.

Me {later} But there are some gay men here.

Him: {looking at me with dismay} Not – not ones I’m interested in.

{i look around the room, nodding, ok, there are plenty of gay men there, just not his type?}

Him: Well, I have learned one thing.

Me: {hopefully} What’s that?

Him: I never even knew this world existed. I learned that.

Me:  Omigod. So you’re not into kink?  No wonder you’re disappointed ~ you wanted vanilla gay men?

Him:  {apparently rethinking that} No, I’m ok with kink, I {looks around} just not ~ no.  {Shakes his head}

Me:  {a little amused by his dour rejection of lifestyle gay men}  Hmmm.  Well.  i guess i can see why you were disappointed.  i guess i’d be disappointed if i thought i was going to a kink event and it turned out to be a gay men’s event.

And suddenly i can picture that all too clearly, and i am appalled!!  Walking into the room and discovering 90% gay men doing whatever they do at their events!  Talk about learning empathy!

i know, that’s not the kind of story you were looking for today, but i should confess right now that i didn’t go to the play party last night.  Sorry.  

i was going to go, but you know, i’ve seen play parties before.  i saw people playing yesterday afternoon.  

i didn’t want to play with anybody.

i mean, i know a bunch of people here to talk to.  And i could go watch them play, and sort of drift into some kind of semi-sub-space myself ~ but there’s that moment at the end, when she’s being held or when she’s sitting on the floor leaning against him and he’s stroking her hair…

Yesterday, there was a couple i’d been talking to.  He was a nice, mild-mannered seeming guy from a small town in another state; she was his slave.  We had a pleasant chat.

Later, i saw them at the tapas.  They were at the single-tail demo, and it looked like he was giving her input on how long to continue the experience, if you know what i mean.  But when they were done ~

~ he had her express her gratitude to the man who’d been whipping her by kneeling on the floor and kissing his foot.

Yeah.  The other man’s foot.

And ~ i don’t know how to explain this ~ but it was hot. 

Very hot.

Then she got up and she and her Master went to a separate area and she sat on the floor and He hugged her close to him…

It was so intimate.

It made me long for my own Sir to be here more than i can tell you.

i’m not really a “pick-up play” kind of sub, not today anyhow.  For sure there’s nothing wrong with it, but without some intimacy after, i’m just not that into it.

So i’m ok with not having gone last night, and looking forward to a second day of classes!

Yesterday, i learned, among many other things, that if you tie someone up for under 120 minutes, you don’t actually have to worry about whether or not a limb is getting numb or turning purple.  The only real predictor of a problematic outcome is if it hurts the person, in that “bad pain ~ make it stop now!” kind of way.

Who knew?

Tapas – Things i’ve Never Seen Before

22 Oct

The “tapas” at Kinky Kollege were stations set up around the dungeon ~ 14 of them ~ with different kinds of play that people could try.

Sir and i texted back and forth for a while about whether or not i had permission to try anything.  i wasn’t pushing hard for permission, and He didn’t say no.   He ended up telling me to be careful, think before i leaped, and that He trusted my judgement.

There were some things i’d never seen before ~ a vacuum bed.  The person lies down in it ~ naked, or panties only.  It’s like a ~ well, it’s a lot like the body bags that SirTop and slavebonnie had at COPE, except it’s latex.  It has a hole for a tube that goes in the person’s mouth so they can breathe.

Once the person is settled in, lying on the floor, zipped into the bag, breathing steadily, they suck all the air out of the bag.  It’s on the person like a second skin.  Then about three people caress them.

The people who did it seemed to like it a lot.  They said being caressed through the bag was really sensual.

Then i saw needle play.  Master Z, who’s an expert, was pushing needles through one woman’s back ~ you know, they do it like you’d do if you were pinning a hem.  Like this:

 

Later, he was doing it above a woman’s breast.  i was going to show you a picture of what it was like, but all the images were too extreme.  He just did about four needles, in a straight row, and she looked very sub-spacy and pleased.

i saw some flogging, some rope bondage, single tail whips, fire play and violet wands, but wasn’t tempted  by any of that.  In fact, i was feeling kind of off-in-subspace just walking around watching and decided that since i’m by myself, that’s probably quite enough thrill.

But i’ve talked to a bunch of people, been to three classes, bought four books, and tried on a corset.  The corset was half price, but it didn’t fit right.  😦

Time to change clothes for dinner…

Here and Now

22 Oct

So here i am now, in this fabulously fancy hotel ~ it even has a little moveable desk for my laptop that and an adjustable chair.  Very cool.

There’s a lamp that’s so cool, i still haven’t figured out how to turn it on.

Sadly ~ internet access is not free.  No, really, it’s not.  i was stunned.  It’s ~ get this ~ it’s ten dollars/day for basic internet ~ basic.  If you want YouTube or Skype, it’s fifteen.  Dollars.  For 24 hours.

Yikes.

So my plan is to get one day’s worth, today, and try to post today’s entry and tomorrow’s in that 24 hours.  i’m leaving Monday ~ shoot, i’ll find a Starbucks with wi-fi and post from there.

Yes, i could use my i-phone, but it’s just not ideal, and i’m apparently fairly spoiled these days.

i got here so late last night ~ well, late for me ~ after an 8 hour workshop ~ that i got checked-in and registered and didn’t even go to the play party last night.  i crawled into bed about midnight ~ so caffeined-up, i couldn’t sleep.

But eventually i did manage to relax all the muscles that had wound themselves into knots on the drive here.  Honestly, by the time i got here last night, i was kind of pitiful.  Tired and scared and lonely.

Not sure why i’d thought it was a good idea to come in the first place.

But i texted with Sir for a little bit, and felt much better about life, and being here.

They had goody bags at registration, which included condoms and lube ~ always handy, i suppose, one clothespin {yes, one ~ i guess my nipples would have to take turns} and two cute little paint-stick style paddles.   

Ok, it's not a great picture... i'd barely had half a cup of tea when i took it...

Yes, it says, “Spank Someone Happy.”

Breakfast is at 8, classes start at 9.

Today, i’m taking:

First:  {i think}  Rough Rope, Bondage, Erotic Torture and Predicament, All in One, with Jay Wiseman

or maybe Cell Popping Body Art with The Artistic Domme

Second:  SM 101 with Molly Devon

Then there’s lunch, followed by BDSM Tapas – 14 Sensation Stations, where you can experience giving or receiving a long list of possibilities ~ from Single Tail to Fire Play.

Then ~ and i’m really excited about this ~ Sensual Humiliation with Dan and dawn, who i know.  They’re the ones who do the sacred touch thing at COPE.

There’s a Little’s contest after that, which i’m not dreadfully interested in, at least i don’t think i am, and a roast of Master Z after that.  He runs this event, and this is the last one he’s doing, so i’m glad i’m here.

So, i need to stop now and exercise.  i’m going to be faithful to that this weekend.  Plus, i need to compose an email for Sir.

More later…