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To Literalize

21 Aug

After my last interactions with MoR, i was talking with JM, the amazing analyst, about what had happened.  You know, MoR and i do this dance where our conversation takes us ever spiraling upward into peaks of D/s that delight and thrill.  He keeps pushing me to agree to deeper submissive ~~ wait, that doesn’t work, deeper submissive heights?  

Laughing…

Ok, but you know what i mean, maybe.  By the time we end a conversation, i’m agreeing that i want to be his slave, and of course him branding me with his name is a logical next step.  i know i’ve talked about this before, but i go over and over it in my head, trying to understand it, so hang with me while i trace the pattern on more time.

i hold in my heart the connection between us.  i love MoR, and always will, i suppose.  He “gets me” in a way that few other people do.  And he does sweep me away into a passionate depth of desire to give, to please, to belong to.

In the cold light of the next day, he says, “But I can’t own you, I couldn’t provide you with health insurance.”

i say, “Well, and with my luck you’d brand my ass with your name and drop dead the next day.  Where would i be then?’

And we laugh a little.

The truth is many things.  We have this connection – and we live too far apart.  i know, that’s not a barrier to a LDR, but it is if i want touch, and someone to go to dinner and fundraisers and plays and munches with me.  

And it is too far if he doesn’t want to put the time and energy it would take into being connected with me.  So we’re talking intensely, i’m all hyped up ~ and he disappears.  For a few days.  i begin to get over him ~ figure he’s gone ~ and he’s back.

i can’t do it.  If he told me he was going to be out of touch…

Ok, never mind that’s not the path i want to go down. 

Here’s the thing.  So a few weeks ago,  he says he wants to come see me.  i’m delighted.  And youall know the story, we’re all good til i ask him a question.   So i say something like, “Well of course i’ll stay naked, well – unless there’s a fire, right?”

And he says, “No, even if there’s a fire, it would be good for the neighbors to see that you belong to me.”

And i know – i really know – this is a ridiculous conversation.  But now that he’s said that, i have to believe him, and i say, “no, i’m not being naked in front of the neighbors” and the whole thing falls apart and he’s not coming to visit.

Now – here at last – 521 words into this, i have something new to say.  

When i saw JM, the amazing analyst, a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about it.  He’s really good at helping me see the symbolic meaning of my relationship with MoR.  So when i tell him about the question part, he laughs and says, 

“So you literalized it.”

Yes.  

That’s not a bad thing, but it brings the relationship  crashing down from these lofty peaks of symbolism to the mundane and literal ~ a house fire and shocking the neighbors.   MoR does the same thing when he says he can’t provide me with insurance.

Do you see what i’m saying?  It wasn’t that the question reflected a lack of trust, although in a way it did, but that it literalized the exchange.

And isn’t that what we do in TTWD?  We take all this deep material of the psyche – archetypes and personas and our shadow side, we add some ideals and standards, mix with sexuality and passion,  and we incarnate them.  We give them body, make them “manifest and comprehensible.”   

There’s always a dynamic tension between the ideas and the incarnation of the ideas.  So ~ new relationship, she says, “yes, i want to be submissive to you.”  He says, “Would you do this?  What about this?  And this?’

She says, “yes, yes, yes,” and means it.  Absolutely means it.

He says, “Then do **this** now.”

She says, “O, wait a minute, um, i don’t know you that well yet…”

He has literalized it.  And done it in a way that doesn’t work for her, or that she wasn’t ready for.  

It must be dreadfully hard being a Dom.  Having to try to work one’s way through this mess of desires and fears and longing and lust…  but i digress.

It’s not just a matter of following through on what you say.   i think we work on articulating a vision, and then giving it life.  So ~ conversely ~

when Mr. No Panties announces it’s no panty day, that’s very literal.  In fact, given that we have no actual connection at this point, it’s purely literal.  Even if i don’t wear panties that day, there’s no basis of connection between us to give it meaning.

If i say, “yes, Sir,” and then don’t wear panties, there is a little more symbolic value, but not much.

Does that make sense?  We can sacrifice the literal for the symbolic, or we can ignore the symbolic and get caught up in the literal.

We need both.  

We need to define the symbolic nature of the relationship, and we need to agree on how to make it literal.

So – Mick and Molly have a contract.  Based on that contract, as i understand it, Molly could whip Mick til he bleeds every day.  Or once a week.  {i know, i’m appalled that i even said that.  But i think she could, under the contract.}

Why doesn’t that happen?  Well, Molly’s not very sadistic.  Mick’s not too masochistic. Their shared vision of the relationship doesn’t include that behavior, even though, theoretically, and literally, she could do that.   

Sigh.  As i write about this, i feel like i’m trying to make my way through a deep fog.  i get a glimmer of clarity, think i see the path, and then wander blindly again.

Relationships are made and broken in the tension between the symbolic and literal definitions.  i guess that’s always true, whether the relationship is teacher/student, parent/child, boss/employee, therapist/client or Dom/sub.   You know, if i say i’m the “teacher,” that has symbolic value.  What do i mean by that, how does that play out?

 D/s relationships, i think, have more overtly symbolic material to work with and we are often more conscious of it.  We are more intentional in how we approach it, at least some of us are, some of the time

So i’m looking for your thoughts on this too ~ this idea of the symbolic value of our relationship having to be translated into the literal.  Does it make sense?  Mean anything?   How do you think it works?

And i haven’t forgotten The Major and His poor slut, waiting for Him to relieve her…  they’ll be back.

Collarme

28 Mar

i met Sir D on CM.  i met MoR on CM. 

i keep reminding myself of that, like  a litany of hope, but it’s time to hide the profile again. 

JM, the amazing analyst, has been reminding me, in his own understated way, that “no community is as safe as we want it to be.”  He says it in slightly different ways, and each time, i just agree, because of course that’s a truism, right?  

Then he starts talking about how falling in love with a community is kind of like falling in love with a person, how we project and we can only see the positive.  He was kind of relieved when i didn’t have a great time at the coffee night.  He said he thought it was the first BDSM community thing i’d done that i didn’t love.

And i knew what he meant – i thought it was kind of healthy too. 

But i was reminded of what he’s been saying again a couple of times this weekend.  i was IM’ing with someone i’d met on CM who’s local.  i was on the verge of having dinner with him, when i realized that he totally expected that he was coming home with me after.   That he was surprised to hear that wasn’t my plan.

He says:  “But then where will i get to spank you?  Will I have to get a room just so I can spank you?”   As if that were a given.

Honestly, i had to specifically explain that while spanking might have been a possiblity, it was off the table now, and so was dinner.

Then, i was IM’ing with someone else, who isn’t local, and we were discussing different kinds of play.  He too seemed to be taking it very for-granted that if he were around, we’d be playing.  When i pointed out this wasn’t necessarily true,

He says:  Well, if we were around each other, i wouldn’t allow you to be hesitant. 

Me:  What do you mean?

Him:  I’d just make you do what i want.

 Me:  What do you mean???

Him:  I mean, I’d have to just physically take you and force you to do what I want.

Me:  But then – that wouldn’t be kink or BDSM, that would be sexual assault.

Him:  Don’t you want to be assaulted?

Me:  No, actually, i don’t want to be assaulted.

Him:  Well, I still say if we were around each other we would have already played.

Me:  i don’t think so.  Even less likely now.

Him:  Ok.  Well, let’s not belabor the point.

Laughing – ok, no “point belaboring” here.  But that was the last conversation we’ll have.  After all, he literally told me that, given the opportunity, he wouldn’t care if i consented or not.   i can take a hint – you don’t have to send me a telegram.  

It reminded me a little bit of – do youall remember the TV show L.A. Law?  I loved that show.  Well, on one episode Susan Dey {i think that was her name} agrees to represent this young guy who was accused of date rape.  She only agrees to do it because she meets him and totally believes he’s innocent.

So she’s prepared to mount this great defense, and right before it goes to trial, she has him describe to her exactly what happened that night.  And as he describes the events:

“So then she did like women do sometimes, she started saying ‘no,’ you know how women are, and I told her to stop, I told her to be quiet, but she kept saying it, you know, it was all part of it, she liked what I was doing, but she was getting loud and I didn’t want other people to hear her saying no, so I just put my hand over her mouth…”

 i remember realizing, and, even worse, watching Susan Dey’s character realize, that not only had he raped the young woman, he really didn’t even quite realize that he had.

i’ve always remembered that.

But really, with the guy who thought i wanted to be assaulted, the real problem, the clincher, was his “Let’s not belabor the point.” 

After all, at one time i thought that MoR was kind of like that – couldn’t distinguish between rape and dominance.  But MoR didn’t dismiss my concerns, didn’t belittle my need to talk about it.  He treated me with respect for my feelings and thoughts on-line, and of course, i came to see that he was safe.

Sigh.

So at some point last night, i thought:

“Well, you are on a kinky sex dating site, what do you expect?  Why would they respect you?  They don’t know you.  Why are you surprised?  Here you are, talking about spanking and other kinky sex things – of course they think you’re easy, that you’d play with anybody anytime.”

And i felt a twinge of shame.

Fortunately, feeling shame is a warning signal for me.  A long time ago,  i read that:

“Guilt is what you feel when you’ve done something wrong.

Shame is what you feel when someone else has done something wrong and you’re taking responsibility for it.”

That definition has given me lots of “aha moments” both for myself and other people.

So i corrected myself. 

Everyone deserves respect. 

Part of the point of the BDSM community is that we understand that one can be submissive, can be into cock worship and spankings and all kinds of things and still deserve respect.  They do not need to know me personally to know that.  i don’t have to “earn” that respect – it’s a starting place for all of us.

It that’s not the starting place for them, that’s about them, not me.

Whew.

That feels better. 

i wonder – i think maybe – this is what JM meant when he talked about the community not being as safe as i think.  The danger is not just physical, not just outside me.  There is danger of me backing myself into my own corners in my own mind.

And i’m still off collarme for a while. 

Saying i Won’t

25 Mar

Yesterday, i told my “you gotta get back on the horse” story.  For sure, that was a lesson i learned well, not just that day, but all through my growing up.  My mother didn’t accept “i can’t.”  She just didn’t.  “If there’s a will, there’s a way,” could have been her motto.

And that was a good thing.  That’s part of how i developed the competence that MoR says i have too much of for my own good.   Part of what made me a survivor.

In a very sweet email the other day, MoR said, among other things, that i, “never say can’t,” and “never say die,” – he says i “keep chugging along.”   And of course he’s right.  Yes.  i do.

Probably we all do, we subs…

You know, Where-i-Work is a little bit crazy sometimes.  {Yes, that might be an understatement.  And i don’t mean our clients.}  Sometimes, it seems like we’re  playing a huge game of twister.  One minute, we’ve gotten everything more or less under control – and then they spin the wheel again.

“Right foot on red,” they say.

And we’re all struggling to move our right foot.  Um, feet.  Whatever.

You may notice there aren’t any red spaces in the picture to put your right foot on.  When that happens, i send someone out for red paint, and we figure out which ones to paint red.  i feel a little like Alice in Wonderland, never sure if there were already supposed to be red spaces or if everyone else is rushing out to buy paint too.

And i’m good at it, directing and suggesting and coming up with plans on how to do it, how to make things work.  Frigging competent. 

A few years ago, someone pointed out to me that maybe that’s not always helpful.  That maybe i’m just enabling a broken system to limp on.  That maybe the system needs to break down, maybe i need to say, “No, we can’t do that, won’t even try to make that work.”

It was a novel concept for me.  My brain froze ~ i tried to process it.

Really?

It could be better to say we can’t make something work?  Can’t find a way to deal with it, cope with it, manage it, make frigging lemonade with it?  

That’s some kind of sacrilege!

It was years ago they said that, and i still stumble over the idea from time to time.   The possiblity that “i think i can” isn’t always the best attitude in every circumstance.

That sometimes, “Hell, no, i’m not getting back on that horse!” is a better response.

i still won’t say “i can’t.”  In my world, “i can’t” is reserved for “flying without an airplane,” or “spinning straw into gold.”  Everything else that we’re not gonna do is “i won’t.”

And i’d rather say “i won’t” then “i can’t.”  Can’t implies  weakness, and a challenge for me ~ but of course i can! 

“i won’t” is the other half of strength ~ a whole different experience.

JM, the amazing analyst, says that in the second half of life we learn the opposite side of the lessons we learned in the first half.   So if i spent 50 years learning to be competent, now i need to learn to let go of being competent all the time, to seek help, to say, “i won’t.”  If i were already good at saying “i can’t” and seeking help, then i would need to find my own competence.

So where am i going with this post?  i have no idea.  i just felt an urge to write it, so here it is.

i think i need to write some  fantasies tomorrow, before my libido completely atrophies.  Between Sin’s story she wrote for her Master, which was uber-hot, and yesthankyousir, who’s also been starting some fires at her place, i should be able to find some inspiration.  Something to jump start my own heat.

Stay tuned…

Blog Drop?

21 Mar

After the excitement of writing a blog post that Master R liked yesterday – and really, if you’ve read His book, you know why that’s so thrilling – but after that there’s just a touch of blog-let-down today…

No idea what to write about.

Nothing exciting happening in my life – unless you count sunshine and temperature in the 70’s yesterday. That was pretty exciting, and i actually went for a couple of walks and did some yardwork – no, ‘Nilla, nothing involving rakes… laughing…

It’s the longing, you know. Like an itch i can’t quite reach. Aching to be touched. Spanked. Ordered.

i don’t want to dwell on it – there’s no point. It’s not happening today. Thinking about it makes it worse…

And not thinking about it makes it worse. If i don’t think about it, i can almost forget it exists. And then i start to feel ~

~ dead.

i start to feel that some part of me has died. And i guess it has, when i quit longing, aching, wanting.

So i try to find that space in my head. Try to make sure it – she – stays alive.

It is a place of humility. she is humble. And yet – it’s confusing. Not humble in a mundane sense, i don’t think.

i look up the word – no, not humble in the sense of modest and meek. Really, i’m not very meek. No, if i can pick and choose the definition – humble in the sense of

“expressing a spirit of submission.”

Ok, kind of a circular definition here, but that’s what it is.

Yes.

FS used to talk about “taking me down a notch.” That feeling – when i catch my breath, and my heart skips a beat, and maybe everything stops for a second because i’ve just slipped down into a submissive state.

And it’s not – it’s down into that state, but being there is edifying. Being there is not oppressive or “down” in the common sense – it lifts me up.

It’s hard to find that space by myself. Master R’s book can do it – take me there. But it leaves me longing.

Sigh.

And then i feel like an unmatched sock, like my true Master is crumpled in the bowels of the washing machine somewhere.

Laughing – ok, maybe not. But i don’t know where He is. And maybe the idea of my “true Master” is silly. But ~

MoR says – more than once – that i’m a Derby quality race horse, pretending to be a Shetland pony.

i say, “Nuh-uh,” and laugh, because it sounds unlikely, at best, and overly complimentary at least.

But.

It occurs to me finally that it’s probably true – and only half compliment.

If that were true – it almost makes sense. Cause you know, the race horse looks good on the track, and people may admire it, but not many people really want to own it.

i bet a lot more people have Shetland ponies. After all, they’re little and cute, the kids can ride them, they’re probably low maintenance.

Whereas frigging race horses ~ sure, they’re pretty and fast, and on a good day, they wins some races. And they’re a big investment in money and time, they need to be trained and handled, they’re likely to break down, get tempermental, and generally be a lot of trouble. i prefer to think i’m not like that. Really. But i might be a little…

So what’s my point? Is there a point here?

i’ve been reading HS’s blog – she inspires me to question all kinds of things. i wonder – what does my submission mean? What’s it about?

i think it’s not just about pleasing my Sir, even though that’s how it manifests. It’s about ~

No. i won’t go into it now, not today, when i don’t have enough time to explore it, play with it, look at it. But really, ultimately it’s about love. Not so much romantic, happily ever after love.

It’s ~ love, or the light, however you want to think about it, is inside each of us. The goal is to let it shine. So my submission ~ the light of my submission ~ adds to the light of my Dom. my light shine on Him, so His light shines more brightly, on me and on everyone around us.

And His light increases my light. And ~

~ between us, we will be glowing!

i know, i’ve talked about this before. But i need to remind myself ~ i belong to a Master who understands that it is not just a power exchange between the two of us.

A Master who gets that it is about creating energy ~ phallic energy, sexual energy, energy of the goddesses who channel themselves through me.

We’ll call on energy from the 4 directions:

East is where the sun rises. The eastern spirit of sun or fire brings warmth and light. It is the place of beginnings. Its light brings wisdom. It is the power of knowledge.

South is the sun at its highest point. It is the direction from where warm winds blow. South is the spirit of earth, the power of life. It represents peace and renewal.

West is the spirit of water. It is the direction from which darkness comes. It is the power of change, the place of dreams, introspection and the unknown. The west signifies purity and strength.

North is the spirit of wind. The cold wind blows from the north. It is the power of wisdom. Here we take time to reflect on what we began in the east, in the morning, in our youth.

And our light will shine.

Devoted

20 Mar

“Posture slaves!  The guests are arriving.”  All four slaves fall to their knees, with their palms up, open, and on their thighs.  All chins are up, with pride of position, all eyes are down, with proper humility.  slave legs are slightly spread, enough to be available, but not too vulgar.  Most important:  slaves are pumping out sex.”

That’s the opening paragraph of “A Safe Place, ” one chapter in  Master: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Master R.   Donna gave it to me , a while back,  and I think she’s probably surprised that i haven’t finished it yet.  Actually, i am too.

But.

When i read it, it shakes my world.  So i do a few chapters, and then i have to put it away.  

When i read about slave posture – it is my posture, the one i know in my heart.  Offering.

When he says “To offer is to crave,” i know what he means.  I know viscerally; instinctively, without words or reason.

Master R writes:

“slaves need posture.  It gives them something to do when otherwise they would think they had nothing to do.”  

i don’t know why i can feel that, it confuses me a little.  i haven’t experienced what he’s writing about.  But i know it.

He says:

“Posture, slaves!”  is one of my favorite basic commands, for it is an augury, a starting point, a promise.”

and it makes me long for a Dom who commands.  A Dom who understands that:

“slave in posture is slave being used.  That’s what slaves do best: be used.”

He is eloquent and arousing for me.   That speaks to me with some deep, primal truth.  My cunt throbs.

Then, in the chapter entitiled “Devotion:  The Disney Doms,” he talks about the new breed of Doms who haven’t paid their dues and learned the things that good Doms need to know.  He talks about slaves who think they can buy the SM experience from self-proclaimed Doms with little experience, or come by it quickly and easily. 

Understand, I can’t do what he says justice without quoting most of the chapter, and I can’t do that now.  But he says:

“The Disney dom world, for all its flash and fervor, lacks what is, perhaps, the most important part of life as an SM believer.  DEVOTION.”

And that resonates through me like a bell chiming.

Later, he says:

“Slaves learn, only through being devoted, what is most subtle and most fulfilling to their Dom.  In this process, a long one, they learn what is therfore most fulfilling to their slavesouls. SM is not a flighty subject.  If you fall to your knees too many times, for everything that looks yummy, you’ll end up with very sore knees and not much in your heart.  But if you practice Devotion, you will grow with your pursuit of happiness.  You will fulfill your promise to your Dom.”

Sigh.

i am a devoted kind of person.  When my kids were growing up, i was devoted to my family.  i don’t mean i gave them all my time and energy all the time, although some days i did for sure.

i also put energy into figuring out when i needed to take care of them and when i needed to step back and allow them to learn to do it themselves.  i learned to put energy into taking care of myself, so i could role-model that for them.

i was devoted to creating a family that would – in the great cliche – give them roots and give them wings.

When i used to wait tables?  i know, it sounds silly, but i tended to be devoted to my work place.   So sure, i’d work extra shifts, pick up extra tables, train new employees – whatever was needed.

And my first job as a therapist?  i couldn’t get enough of it.  i devoted all kinds of my time to it.  For the first ten years, when i wasn’t at work, i was reading about it, thinking about it, talking about it, probably way too much.  But it was the time for that.

Now – i still am devoted to my clients.  i’m not so devoted to the organization i work for.    And that’s ok.  My organization doesn’t need my devotion, and certainly wouldn’t be devoted to me in return.

But ~

~ i have devotion to offer. 

Having a devoted slave is work for that slave’s Master.  i know this.   It is not that the submissive gives and the Dom takes.

Master R says, of Doms:

They know the depths and the paths of pursuit for this happiness.  They spend enormous amounts of time considering the needs of their submissives.”

When i read Donna’s description of her relationship with her Master/husband, Bill, i hear devotion on both sides.

When i look back at my relationships with Doms – with FS, with Sir D – they weren’t looking for devotion.  That’s not a criticism.  It’s just how it is.

i can still appreciate what we had, still hold each of them in my heart.  But they didn’t want what i have to offer.

{whispering}  i don’t think MoR does either.  i thought he did – all the hoops he made me jump through before and during our encounter – i think i thought that meant he wanted devotion.  Not in those words, cause i hadn’t read this part of  Master R yet, but in some sense, i thought he was seeking devotion.

And i could still be wrong – maybe he’ll decide he does want what i offer.  Or that i’m capable of offering what he wants.  But i don’t think it’s gonna happen.

And if he doesn’t want my devotion – that’s  not a criticism, not at all.  i think that MoR understands me, and is capable of being my Master.  That doesn’t mean he’s obliged to be, or even that it would be the best path for me in the long run.

But my sense of what i need is deeper today, maybe just because i have different words for it.  Maybe because reading Master R gives me hope that it exists.

 

Sub Yoyo

7 Mar

That’s right – up and down like a frigging yoyo.  

i was doing pretty ok yesterday, had my daughter over for dinner, life was fine – and then –

i realized that i had missed a banquest Saturday night.  It was something i wanted to do.  Something i do every year.  Something that’s important to me. 

And i just missed it.  i knew it was coming, but i didn’t have it on my calendar.  And i didn’t get around to finding the ticket – i ran across it last night when i was clearing a little stack of papers on the kitchen table.

Too late.

Saturday night, i was reading other people’s blogs, thinking about whether or not to go to the munch.  Well, then i had a jail call, but that wouldn’t have kept me from going to the banquet.

i know it’s not the fault of D/s that i missed it.  

It’s my fault cause i get all caught up in kink and ~

~ i think i’ve been neglecting the rest of my life. 

Dishes in the sink.  Laundry piles up.  Lately, i go two or three days without exercising cause i run out of time in the morning.

None of which is the end of the world and neither is missing the banquet but..

i feel a little bit like Brooke  in her latest post.  She talks about feeling guilty, about a split in her worlds, and even though i normally don’t feel that way at all – not at all- right now i do. 

i feel like i’ve let myself get all out of balance.  

And then i IM’ed with MoR last night and i was going to tell Him about it, and instead we started talking about something completely different.  Which was fine, but then we ended up talking about my psychological Achilles heel.  

You know, we all have them, those places where the childhood psychic injuries didn’t quite heal.   Complexes.  Where the wrong word sends us -sends me – into an emotional tailspin. 

i reacted – cause i was in that emotional tailspin, and at that moment, i don’t know how to NOT react.  So from there we argued, which was not what i wanted to do, and now He thinks i fly off the handle easily – which would be laughable – i’m totally not like that – and yet…

there i was last night – flying off the handle.

So i’m out of sorts.  Pissed at myself about the banquet.  It’s not that i let other people down – i let myself down.  i love that banquet.

And MoR thinks i’m some nut who’s got anger managemet problems… Ok, no, He didn’t say that.  {laughing}  i pretty much made that up, i think.  But He does think i overreact and ~

well, maybe i do, maybe i did. 

So now i have to write Him an e-mail explaining what the story is on that ~ why that particular topic leads me to such a strong reaction.  Ok, no, i don’t have to, but He told me to, and i want to.

Because really, isn’t that what i asked the universe for?  A Dom who would help me grow?  So i can’t bitch when the universe sends me what i asked for.

And i need to get my life back in check.  Do dishes every night instead of waiting til the next day.  Exercise every day.  Eat less, exercise more.  i’ve gained 10 pounds, guys.  10 pounds. And i didn’t need to gain ANY.

Keep up with my calendar.  i need to put appointments and stuff in right away, not think i’ll get around to it later.

And get to work on time.  But that’s another story.

Basically – bottom line – i need to adjust my life a little to be in balance.  Right now, i’m out of balance on all kinds of levels.  Tears are just lying under the surface, waiting to erupt. 

And i HATE to cry.  i’d rather take a beating. 

O, wait –

laughing –

that’s right, i kind of like the whole “beating” thing.   

So on that note – i need to go e-mail MoR and exercise and so on and on and on…  But i’ll just mention that, yes, there might be a touch of subdrop here… and you know, that’s no fun either.

Grumble, grumble…

And i know.  This too shall pass.

Sigh…

 

 

   

Seeking

6 Mar

It’s the intensity. 

i seek it everywhere.  At work.  At home.  In my spare time.

Seeking a Dom to hand it to me.  A master to move me.   Someone to take me deeper into myself, someone to take me completely outside myself.

Hidden Slave writes about it with great power and beauty.  

Is it the pain that does it?  The pain that transcends? 

i don’t know.

Shades of Blue writes about it.   Her tales remind me of – forgive me – a novice nun.  About to move into a High Protocol House, and it reminds me so much of stories i’ve read by nuns on their path to the convent.  

Sin writes about it too, the intensity, the seeking. And ‘Nilla – we all write about it.  Being taken out of our selves – and led into our selves.

Sigh.

Is it greedy to want that all the time?

Not necessarily want it from a Master.  If it has to come from Him, then it has to be limited.  No one else can bring that to us – to me – all the time. 

If i have to get it from Him – whoever “Him” may be – it’s restricted.  But ~

      if i can figure out how to do it myself… 

O.  Ok.  i think i’ve got something here ~ ok.

It’s mindfulness, right?  It’s being totally present, totally connected, totally in the moment.   And it’s being totally gone – not there – sub-spaced out. 

He can give me that, through pain, or through intensity.  Through touch.  Through manipulating the environment.

But people who walk on hot coals do the same thing.  So did  saints with their ecstatic spritual experiences.

And we get it through serving too.  It doesn’t have to come through Him, right?  i mean, “He” gives me the opportunity to serve, to lose myself in giving, but that’s me, not Him.

When i worship His cock, i slip into that space – He is allowing me to use Him to take my self there…

…i don’t know.  i think i have a hold on this and then it slips away again.

“He” is God.   We look for some form of God.   i look for some form of God-ness.   Not necessarily God-in-the-Sky, not necessarily a God of rules – although…  ok, maybe yes, maybe a God of rules.

A God of love though.  i think.

And see ~ here i am ~ lost again.  i don’t think i’m seeking ~ i don’t want the Puritan God who’s rigid and mean.  But it needs to be a God with rules ~ but rules that  i can obey…

… No, lost again ~ damn it. 

Backing up.  In the moment.   The key is being in the moment… whatever i’m doing.

So what happens when i have an intense experience like last weekend with MoR ~ in the power exchange, i give Him my power so He can take me there?  Is that right?

Then i come home and my vanilla life seems flat and mundane and unbalanced.  i’m not really here, because i’m still there.

Ok – so that’s the unbalance.  Instead of being fully present in my every day life, i’m holding on to the powerful intensity of the kink experience – ok, the powerful intensity of being with MoR.   

But that’s just one way to get there.  i’ve carefully created a life for myself that allows me to have all kinds of opportunities to experience different kinds of intimacy and intensity.  

And anything becomes intense if you focus on it.  

i’ve been listening to music this morning ~ another way to get the effect.  Try listening to this, and imagine cock worship at the same time…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnP-__wW0Xc&NR=1

i picture myself kneeling in front of Him ~ for me, it has to start that way if i’m going to do it right…

i picture His cock, barely starting to get hard.

i look at it ~ take it in my hand ~ gently ~ with great love…

i breathe on it, feeling it swell more as i do.  Slowly, tentatively, i lick lightly at the head, feel it twitch in my hand…

my mouth is moist, wet, as i slide it over the head of His cock.  It slides easily, my mouth embraces him, my tongue moves in a swirl, absorbing His taste, feeling Him grow.

i linger, tasting, touching, sucking lightly… pull back and run the tip of my tongue around the rim.  He is swollen now, His cock throbs in my hand…

i slip Him into my mouth and move farther down on His shaft, allowing Him to slide deeper in, inch by inch… moving back and then farther down with each thrust…

His hand on my head is gentle ~ an affirmation, i am doing well.  He strokes my hair affectionately…

Ok.  Enough of that.  Just making myself uselessly hot and bothered.  And now i’ve forgotten where i was going with this ~ o, yeah ~

mindfulness ~

     ~ so whether i’m focusing on the music or on cock-worship, the power to be in the moment, to feel that tingly pleasure ~ it comes from me, or from the Goddess within me… just like His power comes from God, the God within Him.

And that means ~ maybe ~ maybe that means that i can take the power and intensity that MoR and i create in play and bring it to my mundane, everyday life.   Maybe when i feel unbalanced, i need to grow my every day life.

Damn it.

i don’t really like that thought ~ it creates work for me.  It would be so much easier to wait for MoR to pop back in and hand it to me.  But noooooo ~

i have to frigging try to create it myself…

 

And Now a Word from MoR…

2 Mar

……I started this several times.  Considering what I, as aisha’s “other” should say.  I wanted to say you have aisha’s story now I’ll give you the “other” side but that implies she and I disagreed on something but despite the occasional altercation and her vexing me periodically, we get along just fine – so there is no “this side” and “that side”.

Maybe just seeing something from an others perspective…Perhaps if we share we can all learn from each other….

And aisha is free to edit this as she sees fit…or not put it in her blog at all….After all it is her blog – not mine.

This may take a while so patience please.

And I found a relationship with aisha offers so many wonderful insights.  She “vexed” (she loves the word) me by pushing her needs and ignoring mine.  To understand you must know that I am looking to buy a house and that this is the first step for me in stopping working.  I spend every weekend looking.  In her search for her “One”, aisha kept pushing me to meet.

That said to me- her needs are important to her, mine?  Well not so much.

She pushed, meet here, meet there, meet halfway, until I finally decided if she were willing to come here, I would halt my house search for a weekend to meet her needs.  And don’t get me wrong, I knew I would enjoy her – and as it turned out immensely – that was not the question.

The question was dropping something I was focusing on that was incredibly important to me to be able to focus on her.  And make no mistake, I knew if we met and clicked, she would be the center of my world for whatever time we were together and indeed, she was.  No cable TV, phone went off, no contact with realtor for the duration of the time I was with her and I had just put in an offer on a house.  So it is not like meeting her was a “no cost option”.

But being Master, now and again, one has to drop ones own needs for their slave….And she may not have gotten yet this is how she “vexed” me.   Maybe this will convey that to her.

So, since I was going to have to give up something important to me, I needed to know she was serious.  And how best to do that but to keep throwing obstacles in her way.

Do they throw up their hands, say too much effort and quit, or do they persevere?  aisha is a persevering little thing.  Once she makes up her mind, she pretty much stays with her decision – no matter what you throw at her.

She started enjoying the obstacles, so I piled on a few more waiting to see when I could break the camels back….And? She never broke.

I liked that a lot about her.

So what started out as complicated became extremely complicated as she just got better and better at dealing with it.

Oh, and the last minute running around for her to find a blouse that opened down the front and no bra arose not because I just messed with her because I knew I could (and I knew I could), but the agreement had been exterior clothes fine, but no underwear.

I ask you?  Is a bra underwear?

She thought I had forgotten the agreement or that she could slide by but I was not about to let her get on the plane with a bra on.   Plus I wanted her to sit there in that plane seat bare assed under her clothes, every thigh movement increasing her vaginal juices and her breasts jiggling against that blouse just getting her more and more aroused with every mile she flew.

The requirement she not bring any clothes?  It requires trust on her part to do that.

Secondly, my telling her that tells her very clearly, its not the clothes you wear, the way you dress, or anything else you can bring with you – I want just you.  If I were buying her in a slave market, she would come to me naked.  I wanted this to be as close to that as possible.

In addition, Madison Avenue has taught us all we are never good enough, smart enough, rich enough unless we wear THEIR clothes, THEIR make up, THEIR toothpaste, smell like they want us to, look the way THEY want us to.  I wanted her to get the message Madison Avenue rules do NOT apply here.  What will determine our ability to click together is not all the exterior stuff, its just you and me – that’s all we need.

Since trust was/is important, I bought her clothes so that if we did not click, she would have clothes to wear home when she went home, or if we did click, she would have clothes to wear here – if she needed them – and to wear home when she went home.  If she came here trusting, I could not betray that trust by not having clothes for her in case of emergency.

But I made sure she understood if she came, she came with the expectation of spending all weekend naked.  She needed to know there was a chance she would check her clothes with me upon arrival and not see them again until Sunday night when she went home.

In addition, since she had vexed me, it became necessary for her to agree in advance to punishment.  I knew she liked spanking, so a punishment spanking was a natural – and that had to be administered as soon as possible after we met – providing she agreed to continue with me.

So in the car, my left hand in her hair, my right hand tap dancing on her butt, stopping for the occasional finger inside of her and to enjoy her butt, thighs and calves (she has just world class ones by the way, nice and firm but creamy), we reviewed the error of her ways.

She has agreed not to vex me any more.

And I view that as a good sign because I still want to (1) buy the house and (2) stop working and she needs to give me the time (and learn patience on her part) and the space to get that done.

There is considerably more I can say about aisha and our meeting.  If you wish to know more, tell me.  If you have questions, rather than rant at me, ask me.  Though I am Master and insist on that, I work in a fairly logical way.

Just for the record – i didn’t edit anything, but i added paragraph breaks since it would have been only about three paragraphs otherwise.  There is one paragraph that is showing up too light – i can’t get it to change.  Don’t know why – maybe it will come out ok when i hit publish.

Also, just for the record, i’m not totally convinced that i was the only one who wanted to meet, but i might be wrong…  laughing