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Submissive Controversy

30 Jan

Lots of conversation here in Blogland about what it means and doesn’t mean to be submissive – all interesting discussions.  The original piece that generated the responses was apparently written in response to another blog post, and therefore not even in context, so i’m not making any comment on that.

And really, i have probably already talked the idea to death in different blog posts.  Thoughts drift through my mind.

i think of my old lover, Mike Mudd, saying, “You know how to get a woman to mind you?  You just tell her to do things she already wants to do!” and laughing as he said it.  

“Come here to me, i’m going to make you have 5 orgasms.”  With that for a starting point, you don’t have to be submissive to say, “Yes, Sir!” with enthusiasm.

But there is such conflict generated by the idea that if you struggle to submit and obey, it means you’re not “truly” submissive.   Since submission has as many flavors as ice cream, that’s probably not a sustainable argument.

A while back, i wrote about something i’d read  that talked about sub-categories of submissives ~ ones who obeyed quickly and readily and others who needed to be overcome before they could submit.   {i’m describing that really roughly, sorry.}

This morning i tried googling to find it again, but couldn’t.  i found different ways to categorize types of submissive, but they tended to classify us based on extent of participation in the lifestyle.  Other authors had as many as 9 categories of submissives, and i didn’t read those.  Too complex for me today.

But it occurred to me that the conversation has had the required elements for the drama triangle, and i am impressed with our community that it has not generated fiercer, more unkind drama.  Whenever someone lays down strong opinions as if they were self-evident truths, it will sting someone.

When we feel stung, it hurts, and it may put us in “victim mode.” The first person, the one who’s hurt us, is cast as the perpetrator, the bad guy.   In a community, this split invites others to take sides as rescuers.   

That creates the drama triangle, and in many situations, people end up putting all their energy into defending one point of view over another.   Often, we practically lose sight of the original argument as we begin to disagree on who’s right and who’s wrong.  As people hurt each other’s feelings, the drama intensifies, and gets more painful, and pulls others into it and… 

it can be a real mess.

What i love about the blogging community is that we seldom let it descend into the depths of that trap.   Calmer voices speak up, not in blame of anyone, but expressing their own perspective.  Not trying to impose it on others, but clearly stating where they stand.

That is what saves us from the drama triangle – the ability to say where we are NOT in reference to anyone else, but in our own voice.   What someone else says can be a starting place, it can generate lots of ideas.  And we may initially react to that, from the heart, with passion.

It’s helpful to be able to do that ~ initially.  But once the dust settles a bit, it is just as important to be able to step back and think about it, not in reaction to others, but from our own space.  Important to be able to find our own wisdom.

i’m leery of extremes ~ always and never, everyone and no one ~ those are almost always inaccurate.   Not just the words, but the concepts.  Real life is generally more nuanced than that.   

My submission is not just like anyone else’s, and it is a whole lot like everyone else’s.   We have so much in common, it is the differences that we can treasure and celebrate.

Oh, That’s Better!

21 Jan

It was a busy weekend for us here, and i didn’t really have a chance to talk to Sir.  By the time i got home yesterday afternoon, i was emotionally and physically drained.

i kept thinking i needed to talk to Him, and had kind of worked myself into a little ~  panic isn’t the right word.  i don’t know.  i just kept thinking how much i need to feel His dominance, how much better i feel when i do.

Then, before i even had to broach the subject, He told me that He’d been thinking ~ that He wanted to tether me to the bed at night, not every night forever maybe, but every night for a week at least, and did i think i could handle that?

Of course, i had to laugh a little bit.  It was not what i expected.  But it will certainly be a reminder of my place in our relationship.

He was concerned that it would make it difficult for me if i had to go to the bathroom, and offered to get me a bucket to keep by the bed in case that was going to be a problem.  i assured Him that no, i could manage to carry the tether with me to the bathroom!

{Good grief.  A bucket by the bed?  i’m pretty sure He was just kidding.  Um, pretty sure…}

But then He spanked me a bit, and let me take His shoes off, and massage His legs, and do some other things while i was there anyhow.  Then He tied me to the tether and i fell asleep in moments.

It was lovely, and i feel MUCH better.

Kitty, the Submissive Wife, writes a powerful post here about the current limits of her submission.  i’ve read it three times now, started to comment each time, but was not sure i had anything worthwhile to say.  Lots of thoughts ~ but the thoughts are more about my reactions to the post and what i think it means to me, and not necessarily connected with what she meant or where she’s going with it.

First, you know, when she says:

I can not sustainably submit myself outside of the bedroom. Those are big words for me to write. And as long as I am writing them, I will add others – I not only can’t do it, I don’t really want to.

i mentally stand up and applaud her.  i am a huge admirer of people who know what they want and are not afraid to own that.   i strive for that myself.

We each have our own flavor of submission, and the goal is not just to submit but to be more fully who we are.  No one can truly dictate that.

Sir leads me to explore aspects of myself, and i give Him the power to do that,  but ultimately, it is up to me.  Ultimately, the agreement needs to be to my benefit as much as to His.

i find that i am  more emotionally charged and energized  if i feel the expression of His dominance every day.  A spanking, His hand in my hair, sitting at His feet, or being tethers to the bed ~ these things are helpful for me.

 i assume they please Him too ~ i hope they do.  i want them/ need them/ am better off for them.  He doesn’t have to insist or push me to submit to these things  ~ i welcome them.

That’s not to say that i’ll always feel like doing them.  When i had to get up last night to let the cat out, i was not thrilled with having to carry the tether with me to the front door ~ and at the same time, i was fine with it.

But there’s a difference between not feeling like doing something in that moment and feeling like a particular act of submission is not the way i want to be submissive.

So Sir and i are still exploring that ~ what works for both of us.  i think i’m going to give Him a list of submissive things i really like… that should be fun!


On a whole other note, here’s the link to the Bluegrass Leather Event, which includes the KBC ~ the Kinky Bloggers Convention.  Go ahead and get registered now!!

P.S.  Does everyone else in the entire world actually recognize a Corvette and a Ferrari just by glancing at them as you drive through the parking lot?  Sir says i am the only person in the entire world ~ including developing and third world countries ~ who does not recognize these distinctive cars.  i’m pretty sure He’s exaggerating ~ it can’t just be me.  Also, did youall know that Corvettes are the only sports cars made in America?  i do now.  i also now know the difference between a sports car and a sedan. Learn something EVERY day!

The Dom Paradox, RFP’s and Possibly More

19 Jan
Monkey did  a post recently that ended with this:

One minute I was thinking how complex my feelings toward submission are, and the next my subconscious made a statement that startled the hell out of me.

“You think you’re conflicted”, said my brain, “Doms, by nature, have a massive contradiction already built in”.

Think about it, the drive to control, to challenge us, both mentally and physically, paired with that protective, nurturing instinct. “I need to push you to your limits and beyond, as much as I need to comfort you and brush away your tears “. How  much more conflicting even for the sadists? They hurt us and then comfort us because we are hurt. What an enigma.

How difficult must that be at times, to live with?

I’ve found myself pondering this post, and going back to reread it.  The last time i read it, a series of memories flashed through my mind.  

In high school, i had a girl friend who used to babysit. She once confessed that when she was watching an infant, after they fell asleep, she would sometimes wake them up, thereby making them cry, and then rock and console them back to sleep.  It kind of gave me chills when she told me, i must have been 14 or so, and i felt like i should tell someone, but didn’t know who to tell.

i thought about it for a long time, trying to understand it.

Then i remembered when i was dating my very first Dom, “Mike Moore”, i hurt my knee while we were out. i could barely walk, and he insisted on carrying my to the car and then into the house. i protested – he insisted – i apologized – and he grinned and said, “You know, I hate to say this, but there’s something kind of hot about you not being able to walk. I know, that’s sick isn’t it? But it makes you kinda vulnerable, and I like that.”

There was T, and my realization that he preferred him women a bit more emotionally fucked up then i was at the time.  i know, that sounds crazy, but he really did.  He needed me needier.

And my ex ~ not the first one, the second one, who was maybe a Dom.  He was at his best when i was at my worst.  If i was sick or upset, he was strong and sensitive and kind.  But he needed me to be weak for him to be strong, and you already know i wouldn’t pretend to be weak all the time or to be weak in ways that i wasn’t.

Actually, he took such good care of me when i was sick that i used to think maybe i should become a hypochondriac and just lay up on the couch all the time.  Ok, i just considered it for a minute, but it was kind of tempting.

And then i thought about MoR ~ for some reason that “too competent for your own good” has been floating through my head lately anyhow.  Whatever he meant by it at the time, it’s come to mean a lot of things for me.

Even JM the amazing analyst says that women who have a relationship with their father that keeps them safe and sheltered don’t develop the same kind of competence as those of us who were not so secure in that relationship.  It is, on some level, to some extent, a trade-off.  

And the message i got in some of those relationships was that less competent was better.  Youall know i don’t believe that the lesson from that is “Be less competent,” and i don’t believe that MoR meant that, and i know my Sir doesn’t want that.   i have just needed someone who didn’t need me to be smaller in order for them to feel bigger, and that not my point either.

But ~ here we go ~ here’s the point ~ the fact that i’m competent in no way means that i’m not also very vulnerable.  Doms are able to tap into that vulnerability, bring it to the surface, and make it safe to feel it, to be aware of it.

That is a delicate operation.  i appreciate the beauty of it so much.

Ok, so i’m not speaking for all Doms or all submissives by any means, and it probably doesn’t apply to every D/s couple.   But it gave me one of those nice aha moments, when something clicks into place for me and makes sense.

He leads me to take the risk of vulnerability, makes me fully aware of it ~ which is distressing, scary, and difficult ~ and then He makes it ok that i’ve done so.  How cool is that??



An RFP ~ Request for Proposals:

At the Kinky Bloggers track of the Bluegrass Leather Event on the first weekend in March, there will be a day of classes ~ four time slots.  Two classes will be specifically with us bloggers in mind, although bloggers would not be obliged to attend them, and other folks would be welcome to come.

One of them will be the kind of discussion we have here in the comments section, possibly about Blogging as a Healing Tool, and will relate to some of the aspects of trauma and healing that i often talk about.  There will also be a kink-aware therapist helping facilitate that discussion.

The other class will be on blogging ~ a wide range of  things to cover.  It might include:

ways to grow your readership, developing a style, content, and maybe a bit about both beginnings and ends – how to get started, how to know when you’re done.  


Pros and Cons of blogging: confidentiality issues, the toll on your relationship (or benefit to your relationship) — the sisterhood… 

and WHAT?  What would you like to see included in that?  

i know, i said The Dom Paradox, RFP’s and Possibly More – but there’s no time for more, and i like the title too much to change it.  

That Pesky Asking Thing

18 Jan

If you’ve been reading here, you already know that asking for things ~ anything ~ is not my favorite thing to do.  Sometimes, i would rather go without than ask.  

i know this is not a helpful way of being.  i am making an effort ~ have been making an effort ~ to change it.  i make progress.  Then i wake up and realize that i’m back in that “i’d rather die than ask” space.


You know, it comes from having to be self-reliant.  A long history of not getting what i needed taught me that i could get by without any help, thank you very much.

This is not all bad.  i’m pretty darn competent.

Too competent for my own good, that’s what the Dom i called MoR used to say.  Some of you may remember that.  It used to infuriate me when he said it, partly because i knew exactly what he meant.  Or at least what i thought he meant.

Cause what happens is ~ i need something, and i won’t ask for it.  Just won’t.  

i might talk around it.  About it.  Hint at it.  Allude to it.  But ask for it?  No, thanks.  i’ll wait for that cold day in hell.

Sometimes, i really want Him, my Sir, to tell me to do something.   i want to do the thing that i want Him to tell me to do too, but i also want Him to tell me to do it.  If i tell Him i want Him to tell me to do it, i’m pretty sure that’s me asking, not Him telling, even if He then tells me to do it.  {Is that sufficiently muddled and cryptic?}

But i want HIM to tell ME first, not after i ask Him to tell me.


Ok, stop it.  i know some of you have your hands poised on the comment button, ready to tell me i need to talk to Him about this.  Just stop right there.  {Laughing…}

i already know that.  Really, i do.  i mean, you can tell me again if it will make you feel better, but i already know.  Now if you just want to say, Poor baby, life is tough, and if you can say it without sounding TOO sarcastic, that would be appreciated!

{And for real, i value all your comments.  Even if occasionally  you do just tell me what i already know, it reinforces it.}


How does it work?

16 Jan

Looking for topics this morning, i went to my “Drafts” and found this ~ my first piece of a post, from 2010.  i said:

Discerning Dom  wrote a fascinating post about power and control.  He explores the paradox – does the dominant actually have the power?  The submissive may give up power, but if they consent to give it up, don’t they still retain it? 

And of course they do. we still have some power, at the least, there is always a way out – even without a safe word, if you really want out you can get out.  {If you can’t, it may not be kink, it may be an abusive relationship.}

Brooke does a wonderful post on anal sex that totally captures the desire to give oneself to please someone else – Him.  She’s not a masochist, it’s not about wanting to hurt, but she’s more than willing to experience pain if it pleases Him.    In fact, she wants him to hurt her, so that she knows that she’s owned, so that he can see that she’s willing to suffer for him. 

And there’s the paradox.  If she wants him to hurt her, then is He in control, is He doing what He wants, or does the submissive have the power?

That’s where i stopped then.  At the time, it was a more pressing question for me than it is now, and it’s sandwiched in with drafts entitled “Am i a Masochist?” and “What about Pain?”

When i was in my first marriage, with M who was not a Dom, i used to have this fantasy of “giving myself” to him completely, belonging to him completely.  Not an unusual fantasy for a young submissive woman.  But in my fantasy, he could hurt me, but didn’t want to.

In real life, with him, any time i approached sharing that fantasy, he quickly wanted to hurt me in ways that were too extreme for where i was at that time.  If we’d been in the lifestyle, and he’d been a Dom, he would have recognized that it was a firm soft limit for me, and could have overcome it.

Instead, his insistence and demands would freak me out and hurt my feelings and i’d withdraw.

Back then, with no knowledge of real life kink, i would think ~ and sometimes say ~ “i want you to be able to hurt me, and to choose not to.”   Honestly though, i meant, hurt me in ways that turn me on, and choose not to harm me.  i wanted the sensual aspects, but in a safe context.

It was unrealistic, and probably completely confusing for him.  This was a man who refused to spank me because it “didn’t seem right” to him, but who raped me any time i dared say i didn’t want sex.   And this post isn’t about blaming him for not being a Dominant.  But it’s such a sharp contrast to my relationship with my Sir.

Sir will never harm me, so i can give Him the power to do whatever He wants.  Yes, even evil nipple stretchers and pussy paddles.  i know that i’m safe with Him.

But ultimately, i still have the power to retract that.  What if {God forbid} He got a brain tumor and could no longer distinguish between what was safe and what wasn’t?  i don’t think i’d be serving Him well by letting Him harm me, and i think i’d have some responsibility to protect Him from that too.

i don’t think that’s going to happen though, or anything like that.  i think Sir and i will keep growing into our dynamic, defining it as we go along.  

But what do youall think?  Who has the power?  Is it something you think about?  What about pain, what role does it play?  Please discuss.

Fifty Shades, Vagina, and More…

8 Jan

No, you can’t have fiona every day, i’m sorry.  Life is not all about training schools and good times.  {Laughing…}  But she’ll be back, i think she has a thing or two to learn about obedience.

But then don’t we all?

i finished 50 Shades of Grey ~ yes, light years after everyone else ~ and i only bought it cause it was on the counter of the used book store and i had money left on my gift certificate ~ but still, now i have things to say about it.

i liked it.  No, really.

Well, maybe i should have said first that i’ve always been a somewhat indiscriminate reader.  i’ve read more bad novels and even a certain number of Harlequin romances than i would care to admit to.

Um, i guess i read books like some people watch TV, some of the time.  i mean, i read what i think of as “good” books {or even “real” books} too.  Classics and work-connected stuff and some great fiction and essays and all that.

And i read junk.  Preferably good junk ~ in my mind, Nora Roberts is the best of escapist literature, but Danielle Steele and a slew of others can serve the same purpose.  Mindless and fun.

Fifty Shades is not as well-written as Nora Roberts, not as satisfying as J.D.. Robb, and if it didn’t have the kink element, it really would have been a Harlequin romance, and not a nine-days wonder.

The sex scenes weren’t bad, ~ maybe not great, but not bad, and i thought she pretty well captured that element of control that Doms do which may be my favorite part of TTWD..

i thought it was unfortunate that Christian {apparently} didn’t have a community to introduce Ana to.    Maybe that happens in one of the later books?  But i’m guessing not.

Or ~  lacking a real-life community ~ think how nice it would have been for her to have discovered the blogging community.  She could have started out commenting, but i think she needed her own blog.  

Can’t you imagine her writing out her concerns, releasing some of that angst?  And then we could have reassured her and helped her understand how it works.  

That whole obsession she gets with wanting to touch him when he doesn’t want her to and her insistence on hearing his life story ~ really, that was awfully intrusive, but then she doesn’t have any experience in romantic relationships either.  

So rather than getting in touch with herself, it seems that all of her energy is directed to trying to understand Christian.  She’s not focused on exploring her own sexuality, or enjoying what’s there and seeing where it takes them.  You know?   One of the things i value about the kink world is the self-exploration, and she does so little of that.

Yep, she needed a blog.  We would have been a big help to her.  And maybe him too!  If Christian had been in touch with DV or Florida Dom or David, they could have given him sage advice.  

Of course, i haven’t read the last two books, maybe there is still some emotional growth and a happy ending in store for us.

On a whole different note, i just started a book called Vagina, by Naomi Wolf, which i may or may not actually finish.  But the part that’s fascinating, so far, is that apparently women have all kinds of complex neural wiring from the genital region and apparently the reason some of us are more responsive to certain types of orgasms than others is simply because of different wiring.


So if you only have orgasms with clitoral stimulation, it’s because that’s what your “wiring” is best connected to.  Doesn’t mean you’re necessarily limited to that, but that’s always going to be easiest.

My problem with the book, unfortunately, is that i don’t trust her information.  She talks about orgasm as if it’s something that has to be carefully coaxed from a woman by dint of gentleness and patience, at least that’s what i think she’s saying, and we know that’s not always true.

BUT ~ before i dismiss her ~ maybe she’s really talking about  women needing a sense of safety in order to orgasm.  She has a complex explanation of this, involving the autonomic and sympathetic nervous systems.  That makes more sense.   So for her, feeling safe means one’s partner is gentle and slow ~ for us, it might mean we’re tied to the bed and being whipped.

No, really, that is what some of us need in order to give up control…

The challenge for me in reading this book is that it’s difficult to absorb new information and try to adapt it to what i know to be true at the same time.


i haven’t responded to comments on my post on spirituality yet, at the time i’m writing this post.  i am so amazed and touched at the lovely responses that it takes me a while to absorb them and respond.  Thank you all for being ~ well, you know, who you are.

To those of you who offered to send me book lists ~ yes, please.   That would be lovely. 

Physically, i’m feeling much better, and emotionally too, although i don’t expect an angst-free state for a while.  Ms. Constance’s blog post today really resonated with me ~ you can read it here ~ but the part that hit home for me was this:

Paralysis isn’t wasted.  I think the inability to move forward, or what feels like that, is often really the lesson in listening to oneself, that small, still voice that is so often drowned out, when the world is too much with us, late and soon.

Thanks, Ms. Constance.

Follow Up on Getting Enough

14 Dec

People are still voting in the poll i set up on Wednesday, and i may revisit that page periodically to see if the numbers have changed.  In fact, i think i’ll post a link to that page from time to time and invite people to go vote.

But for now, here are the results:  41 people answered the question:

Submissives: Are you getting enough?

There is too much sex/kink/control in my life 0% (0 votes)

There is too little sex/kink/control in my life. 78.05% (32 votes)

There is a just-right amount of sex/kink/control in my life. 12.2% (5 votes)

Other: 10% (4 votes)

9 people answered the question

Dominants: Are you satisfied with the level of kink/sex/control in your household?

I would like more. 77.78% (7 votes)

I would like less. 0% (0 votes)

I’m in control here, it is just right. 22.22% (2 votes)

It’s interesting that only 9 Dominants responded, and 41 submissives.  i got 412 total hits that day so theoretically about 12% of the people who visited the blog actually participated in the survey.  Of course, maybe those numbers reflect the actual ratio of submissives to dominants who read here.  

i could believe that 82% of my readers are submissive ~ although that’s probably not accurate either.  Some people who read here may identify as switches, and some people may not be kinky at all, and some of those hits were probably mistakes.  

While most of the search terms people use to get here seem clearly linked to me, some are ~ not so much.  Someone was looking for “collar me puppy girl,” who is certainly not me.  Or “shibari master,” which i suppose could be Sir D, but would be some very old posts.  

“Sleep kinky sex.”  Really?  Like this puts you to sleep, or i’m kinky when i’m asleep, or what?  “Roller coaster” or “Roller for a roller coaster”  also got people here, which may have been a real shock to them.

So did “striving for peace bdsm blog” and ‘bill nilla” – so my apologies to sfp and ‘nilla!!  “Shave my head bald sir” was certainly not looking for me ~ although i do remember that discussion in the blogosphere a while back.  It’s actually not a topic i care to revisit.

“Epilady as torture submissive” however, i totally claim as mine.  i do use one, and it is torture!  And i’ve written about it here.  

But anyhow.  i digress.  Clearly, submissives identify ourselves as “not getting enough.”  NONE of the submissives who took the poll felt like they were getting too much.  Isn’t that interesting?  78% of us ~ not enough.  i have no idea what it means.

It could be a matter of time.  Distance.  Illness.  Or differing amounts of desire between partners.

None of the Dominants were getting too much either, and the percentage who were getting too little was just about the same as the submissive percentage.  

We also don’t know if the people who responded were not getting enough sex, kink, OR control, or not enough of all three of those, or some combination.   That would require a much longer study, and then we’d still want to know more about it, right?

i wonder sometimes ~ ok, bear with me.  This is going to be a very unscientific venture down what should be a better researched path.  But here we go.

i remember reading a long time ago about a study done with mice or rats in which they pressed a lever  or bar and the pleasure center of their little brains was stimulated, so they got a nice little rush of pleasure.  Well, as you can imagine, they LOVED it.  They would push the lever til they were exhausted.

They would push the pleasure bar rather than the one that would give them food.  Literally, they’d go hungry in their ongoing quest for more pleasure.  They would walk across an electric field to get to the pleasure lever.   They were all about the pleasure.

i think the study was looking at how addiction and some kinds of  street drugs work on people.  But i thought about it back in the day when i was dating Mike Moore.

Mike Moore, who i mentioned recently, was my gateway to submission, and the King of Giving Women Orgasms.  

Let me be clear, Sir gives me plenty of orgasms too, that is not lacking in my life.  But for Mike Moore, it was a project.  i know i’ve said this before, but i want to be clear now – about 3 times a day, he would induce me to have a series of orgasms, maybe somewhere between 5 and 20.  Three times a day.

i was walking around in a glow of endorphins.  Really.  i lost weight effortlessly.  i floated through stressful days at work.  i glowed.  

It was phenomenal.

i wanted the contact with Mike pretty constantly.  i couldn’t wait to see him again.  i always wanted more.

Now some of that was not strictly sexual, there was lots of stuff going on there.  But even at the time, i remembered the mouse study and wondered how far i would go to push the lever for more orgasms.

The final interesting thing about the mouse study is that the behavior of pushing the pleasure bar was easily extinguished when the rewards stopped.  So if the mouse pushed the bar and nothing happened, they wouldn’t keep trying very long.   They’d lose interest.

And it seems to work that way for me too.  When i’m getting lots ~ control, kink, or sex ~ i want more.  When i’m not “getting any” i can go into some kind of arousal hibernation.   i may not initiate,  i may lose interest.

i don’t know what all this means but it’s fun to think about, isn’t?  What do youall think?

Fantasies of Rape and More

29 Nov

After my post yesterday, i got a comment from ‘Nilla that included this:

do you (and I say this knowing that you’ve had past trauma, so I’m just being flat-out nosey here, and hoping this isn’t a trigger of any kind)…have rape fantasies? That’s the one thing I keep coming back to as that “fantasy that I wish would just go away” and doesn’t. I dunno…maybe i”m weird…but the thing that gets me hot and stewy is the idea of being taken, used…not so much in a violent, knock ya down and fuck, but “this is what I’m gonna do…gonna get you all turned on against your will..t.hen fuck your brains out” kind of way.

That would be a kind of amended rape fantasy, right?

My friend, Jade, from The Chrysanthemum and The Sword came back with this in her comment:

@Nilla….i’m sure Aisha will point this out as well….but rape fantasy is incredibly normal. It makes sense that we would want to have a situation that allows for us to have the intensity of such an experience removed from the guilt our culture/religion tries to dump on us for not being “good/pure enough.” If it helps, i will share that i have been raped a few times in life mostly as a child, and occasionally have a fantasy that on the face of it is a rape fantasy. Real rape is, obviously, not what this is about. But who among us doesn’t crave full loss of control, at least at times? i liken it to the way that it is common for gays/lesbians to have sexual fantasies about straight sex and vice versa. It does not mean you really want that.

Jade’s right, of course.  Well said.

What i’ve read and heard suggests that rape fantasies allow us to enjoy sex without guilt.  To throw our inhibitions aside and really let go.  To give up control.

And if your rape fantasy includes the idea that he will “get you all turned on against your will..then fuck your brains out” ~ well, that makes me think of Clark Gable sweeping Scarlet up the stairs ~ one of the most romantic scenes i know.   i always imagined ~ once i was old enough to imagine what was happening upstairs ~ that it was very like the fantasy you describe.

i promise you, being raped is not like that.

People do sometimes get turned on when they’re being raped though.   Their bodies may begin to respond.  Some people take this to mean they “enjoyed it” in the sense of wanting it to happen.

This can be very confusing for the person who’s been raped.  They may think that they are complicit in the rape because their bodies responded.

i recently heard a story of the way one therapist addressed this with a woman she was working with, who had been raped as a young girl.  

The therapist brought an onion to the session.  Without any explanation, she asked the client to help her peel it.   The client thought it was a little odd, but of course she agreed.

As they peeled the onion, tears began to run down their cheeks.

“Look at us,” says the therapist, “Sitting here crying.  Why are we crying?  Do we want to cry?”

“No,” says the client.

“Does it mean we’re sad?” asks the therapist.

“No, of course not,” says the client.  “Oh, wait I get it!!”

“Yes,” says the therapist.  “Sometimes our bodies just respond and it doesn’t have anything to do with what we want or how we feel.”

The other thing about fantasy is that ~ it’s fantasy.  In a fantasy, who’s in control?  Not inside the fantasy, i mean, who’s directing the fantasy?

i am!  For sure.  If it takes a turn i really don’t like, i can go back and erase it.  Um, delete it.  i can redo it.

In many ways, the same thing is true with kink.  Because it’s consensual, the submissive or slave actually has the ultimate control.

Yes, we give up control.  The key word there is “give up.”  In order to give something up, you have to have it in the first place.

And really, that control can always be taken back.  If you’re truly in a BDSM situation, and not an abusive situation disguised as BDSM, then you always have the option of walking away, and often you have the option of negotiating changes.

So in a way, BDSM allows us to explore our fantasies.  Safely.  Rape fantasies, spanking fantasies, whatever fantasies may lurk in the corners of our mind.

But as Jade pointed out, just because we have a particular fantasy, doesn’t necessarily mean we want it to come true.  Story of O turned me on immensely, and gave me great fodder for fantasy, but i really did not want to live my whole life like that.


At least i don’t want the part where she has to wear the ring and go with anyone who’s also wearing the ring.   And i’ll take a pass on the getting branded scene.  Although it’s a hot scene…

Anyhow, i think that my own fantasies tell me something about myself.  My Dash of Fantasy with Naomi ~ i think it means more to me than just the sexual/kinky parts of it.  But i don’t know what yet…

Speaking of which, i guess i’d better get back to writing that or i won’t have a new Naomi post for tomorrow…

One More Thought on “Being Broken”

13 Jun

In the comments on my last post on this, Joyce asked a question and i wanted to make sure i’m being really clear on this one.

Joyce seems to bring what the Buddhists call a “beginner’s mind” to the blog world and this isn’t the first time one of her questions has sparked a whole post.  This time she asks:

“Do you effect changes in behavior (pushing the limits) or “break” and completely restructure the basic personality of self to suit the Dom?”

So, i don’t know how one would completely restructure someone’s basic personality to suit the Dom, or to suit anyone.   “Basic personality” {not a technical term} is a combination of temperament and early experiences.  While you could damage someone so much that they no longer seemed like the same person, i can’t imagine that being anything positive.  i think Mouse and Jade both make that point in their comments.  

Mouse says:

We come here with our personal baggage, mouse’s baggage includes being broken and damaged by an uncaring dominant type.

i’m glad she says “dominant type” because i would argue that someone who abuses another is not “dominant” but simply abusive.

Jade says:

i have been broken in ways that destroyed my sense of joy, peace, excitement until i felt less than human

but then she goes on to say:

And that–has absolutely nothing– to do with what i think a slave is truly seeking when they are walking the path you speak of.

i was relieved to hear her say that, because it’s essential to recognize that when we’re talking about “being broken.”  Even in the extremes of TTWD, there is a difference between M/s and abuse.

Getting back to Joyce’s question, LM asks for the experience of “being broken.”   She says, “i want you to break me.”

Later, she goes back and defines that as:

Breaking me is pushing me past my boundaries, exploring my limits, making me cry, pushing me to painslut sub space where I completely rely on him to be everything in that moment, my tormentor and my savior, simultaneously.  When I am there all the noise in my head stops and He rules…. a very simple, visceral place, that moment..

It reminds me of The Teachings of Don Juan, where the seeker finds oneness with universe through peyote. Some people may even reach their version of “that moment” through mindfulness.

But the key factor here is that LM wants this.  Yes, her Dom originally says the words, but she wants it.  

Joyce, i think you’re thinking about some kind of intense training in which a Dom might teach the slave to behave in certain ways.  i would still argue that “basic personality” is not going to change, but i could be trained in ways that are pleasing to my Master.

“Being broken,” in my mind, is part of a spiritual journey of the submissive or slave, not for the benefit of the Master or Dominant.  So the experience is not really about Him or Her, it’s about the slave.   

This is only one of the ways that BDSM crosses paths with spirituality.  Back when i saw Raven Kaldera’s workshop at Cope last year, i became more aware of and more comfortable with that concept.

And i’ve been thinking about it as we talking about “breaking,” so i was delighted to see that my friend, Ms. Constance, has blogged about the connection.  

{Yes, ‘Nilla ~ our Ms. Constance has her blog up and running, isn’t that cool?}

You can read what she says here.  i’m curious to see what youall think about what she says.  And i’m glad to have the chance to introduce you to Ms. Constance.  She’s interesting and funny and wise.   i think you’ll like her.

In baby news ~ we have contractions, ~ well, my daughter does, not i, thank goodness ~ but they’re not regular yet.  Maybe today…  🙂


On the Theme of “Being Broken”

11 Jun

It’s been the topic of blogland for a while.  i’ve probably missed some of the posts, but Little Monkey, mouse’s Omega, Sin, DV, and others have all talked about it lately.  Exploring the concept, trying to define it, discussing the value it has for them – it’s all interesting.

A comment on Sin’s blog kind of cracked me up, the person said she thought the words to describe the concept were “emotionally disturbed,” and i thought, well, in the mundane world, yes.  No doubt that’s true.

But ~ but ~ what she doesn’t understand is that she’s not in Kansas anymore.

We often talk about the intersection of BDSM and abuse.  Explore where those lines are, push at the boundaries between them.  In this case, i think we’re pushing at a different intersection.

i think we’re at the crossover between BDSM and spirituality.  God.  

i don’t pretend to “get” this.  But i know there are huge similarities.  Slave routines and rituals often mirror the devotions of  monks and nuns.  Little things ~ when i capitalize “He” when referring to my Sir ~ is the same thing we do for God or Jesus.  

{i don’t know about Buddha ~ do we capitalize “He” when it’s Buddha?  Hmmmm, i don’t know.  But i digress…}

 In the Catholic tradition, pain is valued. The pain of sacrificing ~ think “no meat during Lent” ~ but physical pain too.  Pilgrims on their knees headed for a shrine, nuns who used to use self-flaggellation as a penance, or the stigmata, pain is a powerful expression of devotion in Catholicism. 

And it’s not just the Catholic tradition.   Think Native American traditions. Sweat lodges and vision quests, where the spiritual seeker may even go without food or water for days.   

An extreme form in Native American spirituality is suspension rituals, which you can read about here.

These experiences are designed to take us beyond our usual boundaries.   The  intensity breaks us open.

When a D/s couple gets involved in “breaking” him or her,  i think the slave is seeker, the Dom  a spiritual guide,.  

Emotionally disturbed?  Maybe.  

But it seems we’re designed to want to go farther, deeper, harder into our own spirituality.  

There are risks inherent in that process ~

Beware ~ There Be Dragons Here ~

but great potential for growth and gain as well.