Good Times

Clearly, when i’m having a really good time, and feeling good about life in general, and my relationship in particular, i don’t have the same drive to write as when i’m angst ridden.  

Gosh, i guess at some point maybe i’ll quit posting every day, although it’s hard to imagine that i wouldn’t miss it.

The discipline of sitting down and blogging something every morning has been so helpful for me.  And i’m not giving it up, but the thought occurs to me that i might, at some point. quit posting every single day.

Unlike Mick and Molly, i don’t have three sexual adventures a day to write about ~ and isn’t that unfortunate?

Laughing… no, seriously, i don’t know if i could maintain the level of sexual enthusiasm that they have over at Under Contract to My Wife.  Although i might not mind trying… i do know that the more sexual activity i engage in, the more i want.

Ok, let me focus on my real life, which i am NOT complaining about.  Sir and i are going to the munch tomorrow night, and i’m looking forward to that.  NO idea what i’m going to wear.  It seems like i always wear the same boring things… maybe i need to go shopping.

O, except i need to lose weight before i buy any new clothes, so never mind on the shopping.

i’ve been talking a little bit with a new community member, who may be at the munch.  That would be fun, and if she’s not there Saturday, we’re going to have coffee or something on Sunday.

And of course Winter Wickedness is coming soon…  in exactly 28 days, Sir and i will be heading up that way.  

i ~~ can’t ~~ wait!!!

i went to the website to see if the schedule for classes is up yet, but it’s not.  😦

And i’m boring myself with this post.

Here’s a quote to ponder:

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” – Mary Oliver

And i’m on to the rest of my day…

O, Yes…

So i sent my Sir the spanking fantasy i’d written yesterday, and ~ you may not be surprised to hear this ~ i got the spanking i’d been longing for.  It was just as lovely as i’d imagined.

{Pause for a moment while i remember exactly how nice it was…  and some other things around it… before it, my nipples are perking up at the memory… mmmmm…. afterwards, kneeling…}

Ok.  Whew.

On top of that, we had dinner in a nice little Mexican restaurant, and lots of conversation about all kinds of things, during dinner, and after our other experiences.

The more time i spend with Him, the more He tells me about Himself, the more drawn to Him i am.  He is really an extraordinary man.

There are so many things He does that are just ~ they’re just right for me.

It scares me a little bit, how much i trust Him.  And that’s ok.  It’s scary to be falling this much into someone.

i could talk about Him all day, but then i don’t want to put a lot of His personal information here in cyber space.  i mean, not kink stuff, but the stories that make me love Him.  i can say…

He’s such a good father to his kids.  

And protective of me.  Protective in just the right amount and ways.  You know, feeling protected is fairly new for me, it’s not an experience i grew up with, or experienced often in past relationships.

And that’s ok ~ i learned to protect myself in lots of ways.  

i discovered that sometimes protection was just a covert way of controlling me, not in a way i wanted to be controlled.  

And sometimes protection was a way of posturing ~ he takes a protective stance, and then can congratulate himself on being a great protector.   That’s about him, not about what i need.  It’s about his need to protect, not my need to be protected.

Sir’s focus is on the situation and on me.  It’s not about his own posturing, and it’s not about trying to control.  It’s about what’s needed in the situation.

There’s a situation that He’s handling for me ~ that’s how i know how He is.  i’ve trusted Him with it, and let it rest in His hands.

That’s been a learning experience for me.  i’ve resisted all kinds of impulses to ask Him about a plan, or what He’s thinking about it, and so on.

As time has gone by, i’ve begun to realize what He’s doing, and to recognize the wisdom of restraint. His and mine.

Last night, we talked about it.  Last night, i was able to talk about it without questioning Him, or trying to prompt Him to explain Himself.  We were just talking about it.

That was so good for me.  And at some point, i suddenly had this sense of being ~ cared for?  taken care of?  Protected, but in a way that ~ He was looking out for my best interest.

It could have been about Him, but it wasn’t.

Yeah.

It felt really good.

i’m not saying i’ve never felt that before, it just doesn’t happen often.

We talked about Winter Wickedness too, which is just around the corner.  i’m so excited.

He is making me a collar and wrist and ankle cuffs to go with it to wear while we’re there…. how sweet is that?

i know He’s not perfect ~ i really do know that.   But He gives me so much pleasure, so much to think about, so much to learn from.

And i know that He values me.

Sigh… i’m such a happy girl…

Winter Wickedness!

i had asked Sir X if He wanted to go to Winter Wickedness a week or two ago, not expecting a response then.  But a couple of days ago, i got the notice that early bird tickets for COPE volunteers were going on sale.  So i asked about it again, in an email, and waited patiently.

Yesterday was the day to buy tickets, and i was intentionally not asking again.  He brought it up right away though and said ~~

He wanted to go!!!  

YAY!!!!

It’s in Columbus, Ohio, so any of my blogging friends who live close to there – tickets go on sale at midnight tonight!  They sell out in a few days, so get your ticket now!

http://www.adventuresinsexuality.org/WICKED2012_portal.html

Ok.  That’s the end of the advertisement.  

The collar He made me is really simple, and it’s beautiful.  It will be less conspicuous than the other collars i’ve worn that He made, and i love it.

Understand, i am not collared, it is a collar of consideration.  We are both considering.

i’m still contemplating the love/submission interface that Greengirl led me to recognize.  

i no longer think of “love” as being something i feel so much as something i do.  i don’t know if that will make sense to anyone, but there it is.

i came to that backwards, i guess, and it took me a while.  

Trying to reconcile the power of hearing the words “I love you” with receiving selfish and unloving actions kept me baffled for a long time.  

I struggled.

Is he doing the best he can do?  No one’s perfect.   Am i expecting too much?  Does he not really love me?   But he acted like he did…  Has he stopped loving me?

If i love him enough, will he love me again?

i wrestled with those questions.  

But i don’t so much anymore.  {No, really, Sin… laughing…i don’t usually, or for long.}

That was all focused on trying to figure out what HE felt and reconcile it to how HE acted.  i don’t have to do that.

Words are nice.  Actions matter.  

i can accept his words as sincere ~ he may really believe i’m the best thing since sliced bread, he may love me wholeheartedly.  BUT ~~

~~ if his actions aren’t loving, the words are empty, and it doesn’t matter if he “means them”or not.  If he can’t live them, it doesn’t matter.

AND it is the same for me.  

If i feel all kinds of warm, fuzzy passion, then i need to act with love.  In fact, i’m pretty sure the goal is to act with love all the time.

In a sexual relationship, for me, that means submission.  

If he’s looking for something different, a Domme, a vanilla relationship, or a different flavor submission, then it won’t matter how much i “care,” he needs to keep looking.  But my part of the equation needs to be love, not for him, but because that’s who i want to be.  

i might be a little jealous of youall who have found your one true love.   There’ve been times i’ve thought that too.  

That hasn’t turned out to be my path.

Thank goodness, i’m no longer looking for someone to father and help raise my children.  Having accomplished my job in keeping the universe going for one more generation, i’m free to look for the relationship that nurtures my own growth.   The relationship that allows me to develop who i am.