New Limits

“One extends one’s limits only by exceeding them.”  ~~ M. Scott Peck

 

 

We went out to eat Saturday night, some lovely Thai food , and then we went to the munch.  It was in the basement under a bar this month – the venue we’d been using didn’t keep their commitment to us, so Mr. Michael had to scramble around and find someplace at the last minute.   

 

The munch used to meet regularly in this basement space once upon a time, so it was a little nostalgic for Sir D and other old-timers.  The rest of us were just glad to have somewhere to meet.

 

Of course the party was held in our dungeon, and we headed there after the munch.  A bunch of people went upstairs and had drinks first though.  So there weren’t a lot of people at the play party right off – and no one was actually playing.  Sir and i kept wandering from room to room, but nothing much was going on anywhere. 

 

It was – um, it was almost kind of boring.   Occasionally, Sir actually said, “Ho hum.”  And i was almost afraid we’d  leave.  But instead –

 

– He decided we’d play!

 

So He got out the ropes, and i took off my clothes.  i was delighted, of course, and loved it.  The energy was different than last time – maybe more fun and a little less intense?  I don’t know – it would be hard to capture the difference exactly.  For sure, it wasn’t a better/worse kind of comparison, but it was – different.  Of course.

 

i loved it.  And i think i’m not giving it the attention it deserves, but there is more to tell after – that’s on my mind today.    

 

After – after i was dressed again, and still glowing and buzzed, after the ropes were put away – Sir said, “Do you mind if I suspend someone else?” 

 

i could feel Him wanting to.

 

So of course i said, “No, go ahead.”  

 

Even though just last month the very idea left me feeling devestated.   But i was ok with it –

 

– at first.  And then –

 

as i watched Him getting rope back out, and –

 

– the woman we know from another part of the state and her Dom came over to Sir and – she is absolutely beautiful, and has an amazing hourglass figure and she took off her clothes and was stretching –

 

                                                 – then –

 

– i felt old and sad and lonely.  There were tears in my eyes, and i didn’t want anyone to know, so i went upstairs.  i could still watch if i wanted to, from the balcony, and i did for a while.  But i felt –

        

                         – you know.   Sad and lonesome and not good enough.  And i was NOT going to cry.

 

So i sit on the stairs for a while, where no one can see me unless they happen to walk up them.  And i think.  And think.

 

Last month, at least three women sort of threw themselves at Sir and asked to be suspended.  And at least two men asked Him to suspend the women they were with.   He turned them all down that night – at least partly because He knew i couldn’t handle it. 

 

Do i expect Him to turn down everyone?   forever?

 

i sit and think.

 

He loves doing rope.  i know that.  And at least He’s suspending J, who i know and like, and who i think likes me – unlike some of the women from last month, who looked through me as if i weren’t there.  

 

i think –

 

              – Why am i being so jealous hearted?

 

My heart says:   “Because  –

 

– Because  i don’t want Him to feel connected to other women the way He connects with me – i want to be ‘the special one.’  i want what we have to be special.  i don’t want Him to feel that with other women.”   And for a moment, it feels like my heart is  breaking.

 

And then – sitting there in the almost dark – i realize –

 

                                                it’s ok –

 

        it can’t be the same with them.  Even if He felt the same (and i don’t think He does) but –

 

even if He did –

 

                             they don’t.  They don’t feel the way i do about Him.

 

And maybe i’m wrong.  You know, i don’t know them all, so maybe i’m wrong.  But i think that they want the thrill of being tied up and flying – and i get that.   For sure, i don’t blame them.  It is wonderful, and Sir has a gift for doing it.

 

But i want to be with Him.  Whether He’s tying me up and making me fly, or walking around the dungeon, occasionally saying, “Ho hum,” i want to be with Him.   i don’t even know if He knows that or not – but that’s what makes me different from “them.”  And i know it.

 

So i go back and watch.  It is kind of fun to watch Him, the beauty of it, even from the outside.  It’s still not easy, but i’m ok.

 

Then she is up – she’s flying – and happy, and loving it.  Sir gestures to her Dom to come closer – to get under her, to get under her on the blanket on the floor.   So they can play while she flies.

 

And Sir comes over to me, where i’m sitting, and pulls me up to Him.  He holds me close, and kisses me, and then i’m really ok.   Really ok, all the way through.

 

He has a gift, and some serious  skills, and He needs to share them.  i don’t know if it will always be comfortable for me, but He always needs to be who He is.

 

So i watch Him take J down – she is clearly having so much fun, and He is too, really.  When she’s down – He picks up a length of rope –

 

 

– and crosses the room to me – wraps the rope half way ’round my neck – circles it around my waist – and pulls me over with Him, under the suspension frame.   Standing in the middle of discarded pieces of rope, He kisses me thoroughly, taking my breath and leaving me smiling. 

 

Then He says,

 

                         with His most charming grin,

 

                                                       “Help me clean this mess up?”

 

i’m delighted to help Him coil the rope, and i learn the right way to do it –

 

               and all is well and right in my world.

 

M & M Munch (Part IV) – Flying

Did i tell you that i took my clothes off first? 

When Sir first calls me to Him, in the suspension area, of course He directs me to take my clothes off, the black leggings, the cute tunic top in black and gray and turquoise.  “The bra too?” i ask, mostly kidding, because it’s my new bra that He bought me at Victoria’s Secret, and i do enjoy the feeling of wearing it – nothing makes me feel sluttier than wearing expensive lingerie that He picked out.  That He bought me.

Whew.  It makes me hot to remember – the whole Victoria’s Secret mystique, just being there with Him, and then at the register, with the perfect panty/bra set, and He’s paying for it – and – i don’t know –  it’s like a public declaration of what a good slut i am.   Do you all know what i’m talking about?  

And it’s a pretty bra, so i almost don’t want to take it off, but i don’t want to miss the sensation either, the feeling of the rope against my skin.  So i slip the bra off too, before i stand in the middle of the suspension rig, under the hook He will tie me to.  He has attached a big ring, dangling “caribiners,” the clips used in mountain climbing, to the hook.

Once i am prepared physically, stripped, and moving into that awareness of my body, He heightens the feeling.  He directs me to stay fully aware of my body, to communicate any discomfort to Him.   He begins to spin a web with His words, tying me to Him before He ever touches me with the rope.

Then He begins.  The rest of the room has faded away.   He starts the rope around my chest – i hold my arms up so He can wrap me. 

There is a young man who wants to learn rope, He is with us there, under the suspension rig, and Sir is describing the steps as He does them.  i had thought it might be distracting, but it’s soothing instead.  i listen, without paying attention.

“Wrap the rope like this so it stays flat,” He says, and i feel Him press the rope against my chest, demonstrating.  i’m interested in what He’s saying, but it doesn’t mean a lot.  i don’t try to understand or remember it.  i let His words run over me like warm water.  

Mostly, i feel the rope. 

He’s using a wider type of rope tonight, i don’t know why, but He says He thinks it will be more comfortable.  i think that if He says it will be, then it will.  It’s smooth against my skin, a silken rope, not rough at all.   Sensually soft, wrapping me tight, my chest, under my breasts, lifting my breasts.  Around my hips.  Around my ankles.  Wrapping round and round..

i am lost in the sensation.  Lost in Sir’s voice.  When He talks to me, the sound changes.  It is not the soothing litany of Him describing the steps He takes to bind me.  When He talks to me, it pulls me back, as if He’s tugged on the invisible rope between us.  i am totally aware that i need to listen. 

He asks, “Is that comfortable?  Does that feel ok?”

“Yes, Sir.” i say.  O, yes, Sir, it does.

“Ok, lean forward a little,” he says –

-and i do – and

– O!  Omigoodness!

Magically, i’m rising in the air – face down – lifted off the ground – suspended by a few ropes –

i’m flying –

i really am…

******************************************************

     “More than anything else the sensation is one of perfect peace mingled with an excitement that strains every nerve to the utmost, if you can conceive of such a combination.”  ~~Wilbur Wright

*************************************************

And i would have been perfectly happy if it had stopped there.  Instead – i hear a sound behind me –

and suddenly –

Sir is lying on the blanket on the floor under me.  i’m surprised – and delighted – to see Him there.   He’s smiling, and i think i am too.  For a minute, we’re just looking at each other and i realize – 

– i feel this rush of energy, and i’m overwhelmed with a sense of love.   

And then –

He raises his arms toward me, palms up…

i move my arms so my palms are facing His, an inch or two away from Him…

and the energy flows between us.

Then –

i feel myself begin to move.   Moving to my right, beginning to move in a circle.

He has not touched me. 

He is moving me with His hands, without touching me. 

i begin to spin…  slowly, gently spinning in the air.

i am not thinking then, not questioning.  i am just feeling and enjoying and loving the moment.

And then –

Honestly, this happened –

He stops me.

With His hands – without touching me.  He stops my spinning – and –

He reverses it.  i began to turn the other way. 

*********************************************************************

He stops then – just one turn the other way and He gets up.  He is behind me, above me.  “Are you ready to come down?” He asks.

“Yes, Sir,” i am ready.  i’m floating, and i’m tired, and yes, it’s time to come down…

He lowers my legs first, so i can stand.  He’s explaining again to the novice, describing the steps, but i’m not listening, i’m drifting still, floating on air, both feet on the ground. 

He tells me to straighten my body, and i do.  He begins to unwrap me.   The rope comes off smoothly, whooshing over my skin.  When He gets to my ankles, He directs the young man to unwrap one ankle, and that’s nice too,  feeling them working together to let me go.

i’m off balance, almost a little dizzy.  Then there is a chair, and a blanket wrapped around me, and i’m floating still…

A short distance away, i see Mick and Molly.  They are wrapped around each other.  i smile to myself, think vaguely that they’ll be leaving soon, seeking the privacy of their hotel room, seeking sexual release…

And then they are beside me, telling me good-bye.  i think i say it again, how glad i am that they came, how nice it’s been to meet them.  But i am still barely there.

Really, the rest of the night is a blur.  i untangle some rope for Sir.  i like the feel of the rope in my hands.  It seems to take me a long time, but there’s no hurry. 

i put my clothes back on.   

There’s water, and popcorn.  

Sir talks to some people.  i think i smile and say hello.  i’m glad i’m not expected to talk much.  

i lose Sir once – i don’t know how it happened.  We are in the kitchen, i’m getting water, and i see Him go.  i follow Him, but i think i turn the wrong corner, and when i turn back, i don’t see Him.  So i wander for a little bit, from room to room, just looking for Him.  It begins to seem like a long time.  i feel almost like when i get lost –

that panicky ‘i’ll be lost forever- i’ll never find Him’  feeling –  

and then i know better.  i sit down in a chair.   i curl up in the chair, and i wait.  i know He’ll find me.

And He does.