Between the Dashes ~ SIG

SIG stands for Special Interest Group, and it’s a discussion group that meets every month here in Where-i-Live.   We break into groups ~ submissives, switches and Dominants, and discuss the same set of questions.  Then we come back together and share our answers.

The discussion questions this time were:

How do you maintain the dynamics of power exchange on a day-to-day basis?
• What changes when company comes over or you’re in a vanilla setting?
• Do you schedule down time from the power dynamic?
• What about when you’re apart during the day, are there rituals or protocols that you can implement?
• Does 24/7 work for you or do you have to have time apart due to life situations?
• What about children? Or pregnancy? Marriage? Financial? Household? Outside family? Religion? Where do these fall in your dynamic?
• How do you handle this if you’re poly? Open? Bisexual?
• How do you impose a power exchange on a long term existing relationship?
• How important is play in maintaining the dynamic? Is it required?

It was a lovely discussion, relaxed, and most people talked, and i really enjoyed it.

We played with the idea of openness.  We ranged across the board in how “out” we are.  J and another woman {actually, another J} are pretty completely out.  Even J1’s boss knows.  And J2’s grown children know.  They’re both comfortable with that.

But one of us had lost a job for “immoral behavior.”  Not kinky stuff, actually, but still.  That would argue against openness.

Most of us are some mix of open and private.  Some members of the group expressed frustration with that, wanting to be more open with family or vanilla friends.

CS had been open with her parents, and discovered they were more accepting than she might have anticipated.  D’s dominant had been open with his father, and it had not been well accepted.  It’s a risk.

Lots of us are not out to family and vanilla friends.  Several people expressed  frustration with not feeling authentic because their family and friends don’t know they’re in a power exchange relationship and would be adamantly opposed to the lifestyle.  

Feeling like you can’t be yourself, that you’re living a lie, is a miserable feeling.  i think we all have a desire to be who we truly are, in the most open and genuine way possible.

So as we talk, i’m pondering this.   You know, i’m not open about my lifestyle to the vanilla world, and probably never will be.  If i were, i’d have a whole ton of damage control to do and it could, potentially,  have a significant impact on my career.  

My daughter doesn’t know {i don’t think} and my sister doesn’t.  i’m quite sure that neither of them want to know.

So does that mean i’m not being authentic?  Would there be some benefit for me in being more open?  i was just holding those questions in  my mind as we talked, and we talked about a bunch of the other questions.  

But finally i found my way through that maze of uncertainty.  You know, for me, not being open about my lifestyle is more a matter of privacy than lack of authenticity.  i’m the same person whether i’m kneeling at my Sir’s feet or arguing feminist principles.

For me ~ and i’m just speaking for myself ~ it’s not necessary for the vanilla world to know about the submissive or kinky aspect of my relationship with Sir.  i don’t feel that sense of being split, of being someone i’m not.

i am an old hippie, feminist, intellectual, submissive woman with a lot of personal power.  That’s who i am.  All the time.

But it’s fun working through all that and talking with other people and hearing their perspective.  i will not tell you the story of my {possibly inappropriate} snort, or the  table moving dilemma, since Ms Constance does both so well here.  i’ll just say it was a lot of fun.  

If you have thoughts you want to share about the questions from the discussion group, feel free to do it in the comments, or take them back to your blog and link here if you want to, or don’t link back, either way is fine.

i have lots of things to write about these days ~ and lots of questions to answer from other bloggers, which is pretty cool.  Thanks to ancilla for putting me on her list of favorites and coming up with more great questions to be answered.

Of course, Naomi is still on my mind, so she’s not going anywhere.   She’ll be back tomorrow…

Following Directions

When i saw Sir X Saturday night, He raised a very good point.  One that i had not even thought of.

Earlier that day, when we’d met for “lunch,” He’d given me very explicit directions about where to meet.  To be exact, He’d texted:

“I’ll meet you, my car, park yours, f street, northbound, one block before Broadway, walk north to the first statue, I’ll pick you up there.”

That’s pretty clear, right?

Especially if you know, as i do, that f street is one-way going north.

Does it say anything about driving around the block a couple of times trying to make sure I was in the right place with the right statue?

Um, no.  It really doesn’t.

As He pointed out, if i’d just done what He said to do, i would have found the statue just fine.

So, He asked, did i not trust His directions, or did i not trust my own ability to follow them?

Good question, right?

Ok, it was probably a little bit of both.  i don’t have a sense of direction, can almost get lost in my own backyard, and He knows that.  In fact, He kind of likes that, He says it gives me a vulnerability that’s appealing…

And of course He’s right ~ if i’d just done exactly what He said, i’d have been in the right place.  And if i hadn’t been, He would have found me. 

It’s a little bit of a wake up call for me ~ a reminder that i’m not as obedient as i’d like to think or as submissive as i want to be.   

Because ~

~~ here’s the thing ~~

i needed to feel in control.

And knowing Him, He purposely picked the kind of task that would challenge me.  Yeah, He’s that smart and insightful.

Have i mentioned that i’m wild about Him?

This is the first time that i can think of that i clearly didn’t meet the challenge of what He wanted me to do.  He wasn’t upset or angry, but He’s been clear that it wasn’t what i was supposed to do.

And that’s made me think hard about it, and how to correct it.  i’ll be more aware of that tendency in myself, and do better with it next time.

On a whole different note, i went to the BDSM discussion group yesterday.  It was fascinating.  Here are some of the questions we discussed:

• What is the most important quality for dominants?  For submissives?  For switches?

• What is the most detrimental quality for dominants?  For submissives?  For switches?

• What qualities define D/s relationships as opposed to vanilla relationships?

 Do you personally believe you were born into the orientation you have chosen, or is it something that you “learned” in some way or another?  If you had had a different upbringing, would you still have been the same kind of orientation you are?

There were lots more questions, many of which we didn’t even get to, but it was a terrific discussion.  And now i’m curious.  

What do youall think?  

How would you answer those questions?

Comment or email me your thoughts – aisha.hisservant@gmail.com – and if it i get a good response, i’ll do a post or two about the discussion…

i should have some time to play with it later this week ~ i’m going out-of-town Wednesday, first to a work training, which should be really interesting and fun, and then to Kinky Kollege in Chicago.  i’m thinking being out-of-town will relieve me of all kinds of other responsibilities.

Before that though, Sir X and i are getting together Tuesday night.  {Grinning…}  i can’t wait.