Memories…

Yesterday, fiona was asking questions about the KBC {Kinky Bloggers’ Convention} and wanted me to remember what it was like back when this was all new to me  ~ like August, 2010.  Not exactly ancient history, but it sure seems like a long time ago

i recorded it all here in lurid detail and four-part harmony.   Of course, that experience was actually defined by Sir D, who was a very experienced Dominant.  

It was also a transformative experience for me, that particular night, that particular series of events.  And now i have to think about what i want to say here.

You know, we all carry stuff ~ baggage ~ old tapes ~ whatever you want to call it ~ from childhood.  It doesn’t have to be “abuse,” but there’s always stuff, just because we’re human, and so are our parents.  

The events at that first play party were transformative for me.  They allowed me to shed some of the baggage i carried.  Partly through the experience, partly through writing about it, and then with great clarity in a therapy  session with JM, the amazing analyst.

i shed some of that old stuff like a snake sheds its skin.   Shame, slipping off my shoulders…  it was pretty amazing.

The process of BDSM, done well, is soul work, i think.  When not done well, maybe not so much, but who knows?

Tori at Pains Pleasure writes about a recent situation in Britain that demonstrates one of the things that can happen when people don’t know what they’re doing.  Lack of communication, lack of awareness, lack of sensitivity ~ those things can cause so much damage.

But then who knows?  Maybe this is just part of their path ~ probably not a path that continues together, but we learn and grow and move on.

It makes me grateful though that {other than my brief second marriage} i have been with Dominants who were experienced, careful, and caring.  

Which makes me think of the comment Buford left on my post about the “Submissive Controversy.”  i thought it was powerful and cut through the controversy to the heart of the matter, and since he just left it yesterday, and you may have missed it, i’ll quote it here:

I never saw this as a cut and dried/black and white issue – it is about cooperation and the titles we give are just handles to refer to roles in a play – submissive – Dominant – or my personal preference Master and Slave. Submissives are not the only people to go into headspace during play – good Dominants do too – its what makes what we do real for both of us – or at least real enough that we both get our needs met. Submissives are simply people who get their joy in one way while Dominants get theirs in another way – and the wonder of it all is that we found each other in such a perfect fit. One without the other is nothing; yet, together, we can do everything. At our best together, we create events of such great beauty that years after that event, one looks at the other and says….”remember the time we …..”

What separates good Dominants from true sadists is that Dominants do not go the serial torture killer route gouging out eyes, severing limbs and killing people – Dominants among us are just thrilled to be able to take the one we love to the edge – and then bring him/her back not just safely but with considerably more happiness and pleasure than we started the project with. Another good title for a loving dominant would be “care giver” – its just more cumbersome to use and is not in line with the evil people we like to envision ourselves to be.

KBC is Coming

That’s right ~ the Kinky Bloggers’ Convention is almost here.  Time to lock in those travel arrangements.  You can register for the convention here.

Here’s the plan.  Ideally, you ~ and perhaps your significant other ~ will get here Friday evening some time, check into the hotel, and join us at a lovely restaurant for the munch.  Clothing for the munch is street attire.  We have a private room in a  family restaurant.  So you can dress up or down as much as you like, but what we call “the granny rule” applies ~ don’t wear anything that you wouldn’t want your grandmother to see you in.

i’m planning to ask for a special table for bloggers at the Friday munch, so we can begin to get to know each other and feel comfortable in real life (IRL)    After the munch, we’ll also have a Meet-n-Greet of our own, so that people who arrive too late for the munch can join us, and so we can continue getting comfortable together.

i don’t think there are going to be hundreds of us, so by Friday evening, we’ll be cozy chatting like we do in the comments section.  But if we have folks coming in Saturday morning, then we might arrange for a coffee get together in the morning to give them a chance to feel welcome.

Do you sense a theme here?  The whole point of this is for us to connect and build community, starting with just being comfortable with each other.   That creates a safe environment for new experiences.

Then on Saturday we’ll have classes.  Because Bluegrass Leather Pride is the main event, and we are a track within that event, you’ll have the option of going to the main classes or to the blogger-specific classes.  The blogger classes will be open to other folks too.

i’m looking at two classes ~ did i already tell you this?  One of them will be about blogging as an art, or at least a craft.  The other will be about Blogging as a Tool for Healing.   But there will be four time slots for classes, and a wide variety of options, as you can see on the event website.

Then there’s the Saturday munch and Leather contests ~ which should probably be a blog post all by itself ~ and then a play party ~ woohoo!!

 Yes.  Really.  A play party, in a dungeon.  {Ok, not really a dungeon, but that’s what we call it.}

And you can go if you want to, and you’ll be with people you know, and you can play if you want to, or just watch, or you don’t have to go.  Your call.  No pressure.

On Sunday, there’s a final brunch, where we’ll bid each other tearful farewells amid promises to do it all again next year.

Time is flying by.  Over the next month, i’ll go to Very-Far-Away to see my daughter and the most adorable grand baby on the face of the earth.  When i come back, it will just about be time for KBC ~ Kinky Bloggers Convention.  So i need to work fast now.

Talk to me ~ if you have questions, ask them.  Let me know if you’re coming.   Let me know if there are things you want to do.   Mention it on your blog, in case people who read you but not me are interested in coming.

Submissive Controversy

Lots of conversation here in Blogland about what it means and doesn’t mean to be submissive – all interesting discussions.  The original piece that generated the responses was apparently written in response to another blog post, and therefore not even in context, so i’m not making any comment on that.

And really, i have probably already talked the idea to death in different blog posts.  Thoughts drift through my mind.

i think of my old lover, Mike Mudd, saying, “You know how to get a woman to mind you?  You just tell her to do things she already wants to do!” and laughing as he said it.  

“Come here to me, i’m going to make you have 5 orgasms.”  With that for a starting point, you don’t have to be submissive to say, “Yes, Sir!” with enthusiasm.

But there is such conflict generated by the idea that if you struggle to submit and obey, it means you’re not “truly” submissive.   Since submission has as many flavors as ice cream, that’s probably not a sustainable argument.

A while back, i wrote about something i’d read  that talked about sub-categories of submissives ~ ones who obeyed quickly and readily and others who needed to be overcome before they could submit.   {i’m describing that really roughly, sorry.}

This morning i tried googling to find it again, but couldn’t.  i found different ways to categorize types of submissive, but they tended to classify us based on extent of participation in the lifestyle.  Other authors had as many as 9 categories of submissives, and i didn’t read those.  Too complex for me today.

But it occurred to me that the conversation has had the required elements for the drama triangle, and i am impressed with our community that it has not generated fiercer, more unkind drama.  Whenever someone lays down strong opinions as if they were self-evident truths, it will sting someone.

When we feel stung, it hurts, and it may put us in “victim mode.” The first person, the one who’s hurt us, is cast as the perpetrator, the bad guy.   In a community, this split invites others to take sides as rescuers.   

That creates the drama triangle, and in many situations, people end up putting all their energy into defending one point of view over another.   Often, we practically lose sight of the original argument as we begin to disagree on who’s right and who’s wrong.  As people hurt each other’s feelings, the drama intensifies, and gets more painful, and pulls others into it and… 

it can be a real mess.

What i love about the blogging community is that we seldom let it descend into the depths of that trap.   Calmer voices speak up, not in blame of anyone, but expressing their own perspective.  Not trying to impose it on others, but clearly stating where they stand.

That is what saves us from the drama triangle – the ability to say where we are NOT in reference to anyone else, but in our own voice.   What someone else says can be a starting place, it can generate lots of ideas.  And we may initially react to that, from the heart, with passion.

It’s helpful to be able to do that ~ initially.  But once the dust settles a bit, it is just as important to be able to step back and think about it, not in reaction to others, but from our own space.  Important to be able to find our own wisdom.

i’m leery of extremes ~ always and never, everyone and no one ~ those are almost always inaccurate.   Not just the words, but the concepts.  Real life is generally more nuanced than that.   

My submission is not just like anyone else’s, and it is a whole lot like everyone else’s.   We have so much in common, it is the differences that we can treasure and celebrate.

Odds and Ends

i was on a short tether last night ~ no, i don’t know why, i wasn’t in trouble or anything.  When i commented on  it, He just laughed and pointed out that i don’t move much in my sleep anyway, so He was sure it wouldn’t be a problem.

Since He had just spanked me soundly and allowed me to please Him ~ and myself ~ in a variety of ways ~ i was in no frame of mind to argue, so i just said, “Yes, Sir.”  Then i rolled over, so my back was the opposite way from the usual, just to show Him i could.

Also different last night, instead of putting the rope directly on my ankle, He put the leather cuff on my right leg, and tied the rope to the ring in the cuff.  This morning, i had been at the computer for a while and got up to get more coffee.

i carry the tether with me into the kitchen, the cats trailing behind me as usual, pouncing on the rope.  i set the tether down, pour coffee, and move toward the refrigerator for milk, when i realize something feels wrong.  i look down and ~ yes ~ the rope is no longer tied to the cuff.

No, i don’t take that opportunity to make a break for it.  i carry the tether back to the study with me, and am just as decorous as if i were still tethered.  But.  When Sir gets up~~

~~  i quickly tell Him what’s happened.  

He looks stern.  “Untethered?”  He says.  “Planning to run away?”

“No, no, never!” i say.  “i think it was the cats.  They did it.”

He says, “I’m shocked!  I can’t believe you’re trying to blame it on the poor innocent cats.  I bet you did it on purpose,” He says, “planning to escape.”

“No!” i say, giggling madly, “No, never.”

He shrugs, “Well.  You’ll pay later.  With your ass.”   

Hmpf.  i had a feeling it would end that way.  Noooooo, i did NOT do it on purpose.

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i haven’t quite finished the tasks on the list for Inspiring Blogger Awards – and now Jz has nominated me too, so i figure i better get on it.    Y’all know the rules, right?  In case you forgot:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.

   2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
   
   3. State 7 things about yourself.
   
   4. Nominate 15 other bloggers and link to them.
   
   5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and requirements.

So here we go.  i probably won’t go notify you, but i might.  Stranger things have happened.  But probably i’ll just hope you get the ping-back notice or whatever you call it.

andi  ~ who just restarted her blog at this link, and who just got the Fabulous Gutter Blogger award.  i love to read her and follow the ups and downs of her life, even when i wish there weren’t any “downs” for her.  She is smart and brave and strong, and i admire her.

pouredout    – she is Florida Dom’s submissive, and i’m just beginning to follow her.  i love that i can read her blog and his blog and follow their paths.  Very cool.

perfectlypoly ~ new to the blog world, but ready to go, she’s going to be lots of fun.

Word Wytch  – who tells fabulous stories that go on for a long time and don’t just disappear when they’re getting good {like mine do.}  Really, she tells different kinds of stories and each one has a unique flavor.

night owl – who’s also fairly new, and tends to do the kind of posts i love, where she’s just had some fabulous insight or recognition of a new approach to take.  Or sometimes she finds her way as she’s writing.  Raw sometimes, her posts have soul.

joolz who just got the award from tori, but she was already on my list.  i’ve just started following her and am getting to know her stories.  

Jake – who also just got one, but deserves another for his commitment to sharing his journey, leading joy down the D/s path.   He is always interesting and an excellent read with a different perspective.

Conina – who i just love to read.  Very erotic adventures she has with her husband, which she shares in sensual detail, with just enough self-examination and insight thrown into the mix.

Fiona – who’s wild about Sir Q, and he about her, and it resonates through the blog and the spankings and so on.  Fiona is a blast.  i think i recently gave her another award.  Oops.

Kitty the Submissive Wife – who is interesting and exciting.  Again, there is deep love between her and her husband, and they are working hard at defining what their D/s relationship will be.  Bright and funny, i thoroughly enjoy her.

Kitty for Mr. Woods – another blogger who’s new to me, but lots of fun.  Worth visiting for the shoe pictures if nothing else.  🙂

And that’s it for today, folks.   i know that’s only 11, but sometime this afternoon or tomorrow, i will probably think, SH*T, Gosh darn it – i left out – {fill in the blank} and now i have room for them.  i tried not to give it to the exact same people as last time, or to people who already got one.  If  i did – oops.  Sorry.  

Oh, That’s Better!

It was a busy weekend for us here, and i didn’t really have a chance to talk to Sir.  By the time i got home yesterday afternoon, i was emotionally and physically drained.

i kept thinking i needed to talk to Him, and had kind of worked myself into a little ~  panic isn’t the right word.  i don’t know.  i just kept thinking how much i need to feel His dominance, how much better i feel when i do.

Then, before i even had to broach the subject, He told me that He’d been thinking ~ that He wanted to tether me to the bed at night, not every night forever maybe, but every night for a week at least, and did i think i could handle that?

Of course, i had to laugh a little bit.  It was not what i expected.  But it will certainly be a reminder of my place in our relationship.

He was concerned that it would make it difficult for me if i had to go to the bathroom, and offered to get me a bucket to keep by the bed in case that was going to be a problem.  i assured Him that no, i could manage to carry the tether with me to the bathroom!

{Good grief.  A bucket by the bed?  i’m pretty sure He was just kidding.  Um, pretty sure…}

But then He spanked me a bit, and let me take His shoes off, and massage His legs, and do some other things while i was there anyhow.  Then He tied me to the tether and i fell asleep in moments.

It was lovely, and i feel MUCH better.

Kitty, the Submissive Wife, writes a powerful post here about the current limits of her submission.  i’ve read it three times now, started to comment each time, but was not sure i had anything worthwhile to say.  Lots of thoughts ~ but the thoughts are more about my reactions to the post and what i think it means to me, and not necessarily connected with what she meant or where she’s going with it.

First, you know, when she says:

I can not sustainably submit myself outside of the bedroom. Those are big words for me to write. And as long as I am writing them, I will add others – I not only can’t do it, I don’t really want to.

i mentally stand up and applaud her.  i am a huge admirer of people who know what they want and are not afraid to own that.   i strive for that myself.

We each have our own flavor of submission, and the goal is not just to submit but to be more fully who we are.  No one can truly dictate that.

Sir leads me to explore aspects of myself, and i give Him the power to do that,  but ultimately, it is up to me.  Ultimately, the agreement needs to be to my benefit as much as to His.

i find that i am  more emotionally charged and energized  if i feel the expression of His dominance every day.  A spanking, His hand in my hair, sitting at His feet, or being tethers to the bed ~ these things are helpful for me.

 i assume they please Him too ~ i hope they do.  i want them/ need them/ am better off for them.  He doesn’t have to insist or push me to submit to these things  ~ i welcome them.

That’s not to say that i’ll always feel like doing them.  When i had to get up last night to let the cat out, i was not thrilled with having to carry the tether with me to the front door ~ and at the same time, i was fine with it.

But there’s a difference between not feeling like doing something in that moment and feeling like a particular act of submission is not the way i want to be submissive.

So Sir and i are still exploring that ~ what works for both of us.  i think i’m going to give Him a list of submissive things i really like… that should be fun!

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On a whole other note, here’s the link to the Bluegrass Leather Event, which includes the KBC ~ the Kinky Bloggers Convention.  Go ahead and get registered now!!

P.S.  Does everyone else in the entire world actually recognize a Corvette and a Ferrari just by glancing at them as you drive through the parking lot?  Sir says i am the only person in the entire world ~ including developing and third world countries ~ who does not recognize these distinctive cars.  i’m pretty sure He’s exaggerating ~ it can’t just be me.  Also, did youall know that Corvettes are the only sports cars made in America?  i do now.  i also now know the difference between a sports car and a sedan. Learn something EVERY day!

The Dom Paradox, RFP’s and Possibly More

Monkey did  a post recently that ended with this:

One minute I was thinking how complex my feelings toward submission are, and the next my subconscious made a statement that startled the hell out of me.

“You think you’re conflicted”, said my brain, “Doms, by nature, have a massive contradiction already built in”.

Think about it, the drive to control, to challenge us, both mentally and physically, paired with that protective, nurturing instinct. “I need to push you to your limits and beyond, as much as I need to comfort you and brush away your tears “. How  much more conflicting even for the sadists? They hurt us and then comfort us because we are hurt. What an enigma.

How difficult must that be at times, to live with?

I’ve found myself pondering this post, and going back to reread it.  The last time i read it, a series of memories flashed through my mind.  

In high school, i had a girl friend who used to babysit. She once confessed that when she was watching an infant, after they fell asleep, she would sometimes wake them up, thereby making them cry, and then rock and console them back to sleep.  It kind of gave me chills when she told me, i must have been 14 or so, and i felt like i should tell someone, but didn’t know who to tell.

i thought about it for a long time, trying to understand it.

Then i remembered when i was dating my very first Dom, “Mike Moore”, i hurt my knee while we were out. i could barely walk, and he insisted on carrying my to the car and then into the house. i protested – he insisted – i apologized – and he grinned and said, “You know, I hate to say this, but there’s something kind of hot about you not being able to walk. I know, that’s sick isn’t it? But it makes you kinda vulnerable, and I like that.”

There was T, and my realization that he preferred him women a bit more emotionally fucked up then i was at the time.  i know, that sounds crazy, but he really did.  He needed me needier.

And my ex ~ not the first one, the second one, who was maybe a Dom.  He was at his best when i was at my worst.  If i was sick or upset, he was strong and sensitive and kind.  But he needed me to be weak for him to be strong, and you already know i wouldn’t pretend to be weak all the time or to be weak in ways that i wasn’t.

Actually, he took such good care of me when i was sick that i used to think maybe i should become a hypochondriac and just lay up on the couch all the time.  Ok, i just considered it for a minute, but it was kind of tempting.

And then i thought about MoR ~ for some reason that “too competent for your own good” has been floating through my head lately anyhow.  Whatever he meant by it at the time, it’s come to mean a lot of things for me.

Even JM the amazing analyst says that women who have a relationship with their father that keeps them safe and sheltered don’t develop the same kind of competence as those of us who were not so secure in that relationship.  It is, on some level, to some extent, a trade-off.  

And the message i got in some of those relationships was that less competent was better.  Youall know i don’t believe that the lesson from that is “Be less competent,” and i don’t believe that MoR meant that, and i know my Sir doesn’t want that.   i have just needed someone who didn’t need me to be smaller in order for them to feel bigger, and that not my point either.

But ~ here we go ~ here’s the point ~ the fact that i’m competent in no way means that i’m not also very vulnerable.  Doms are able to tap into that vulnerability, bring it to the surface, and make it safe to feel it, to be aware of it.

That is a delicate operation.  i appreciate the beauty of it so much.

Ok, so i’m not speaking for all Doms or all submissives by any means, and it probably doesn’t apply to every D/s couple.   But it gave me one of those nice aha moments, when something clicks into place for me and makes sense.

He leads me to take the risk of vulnerability, makes me fully aware of it ~ which is distressing, scary, and difficult ~ and then He makes it ok that i’ve done so.  How cool is that??

Thoughts?

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An RFP ~ Request for Proposals:

At the Kinky Bloggers track of the Bluegrass Leather Event on the first weekend in March, there will be a day of classes ~ four time slots.  Two classes will be specifically with us bloggers in mind, although bloggers would not be obliged to attend them, and other folks would be welcome to come.

One of them will be the kind of discussion we have here in the comments section, possibly about Blogging as a Healing Tool, and will relate to some of the aspects of trauma and healing that i often talk about.  There will also be a kink-aware therapist helping facilitate that discussion.

The other class will be on blogging ~ a wide range of  things to cover.  It might include:

ways to grow your readership, developing a style, content, and maybe a bit about both beginnings and ends – how to get started, how to know when you’re done.  

And/or…

Pros and Cons of blogging: confidentiality issues, the toll on your relationship (or benefit to your relationship) — the sisterhood… 

and WHAT?  What would you like to see included in that?  

i know, i said The Dom Paradox, RFP’s and Possibly More – but there’s no time for more, and i like the title too much to change it.  

That Pesky Asking Thing

If you’ve been reading here, you already know that asking for things ~ anything ~ is not my favorite thing to do.  Sometimes, i would rather go without than ask.  

i know this is not a helpful way of being.  i am making an effort ~ have been making an effort ~ to change it.  i make progress.  Then i wake up and realize that i’m back in that “i’d rather die than ask” space.

Sigh.

You know, it comes from having to be self-reliant.  A long history of not getting what i needed taught me that i could get by without any help, thank you very much.

This is not all bad.  i’m pretty darn competent.

Too competent for my own good, that’s what the Dom i called MoR used to say.  Some of you may remember that.  It used to infuriate me when he said it, partly because i knew exactly what he meant.  Or at least what i thought he meant.

Cause what happens is ~ i need something, and i won’t ask for it.  Just won’t.  

i might talk around it.  About it.  Hint at it.  Allude to it.  But ask for it?  No, thanks.  i’ll wait for that cold day in hell.

Sometimes, i really want Him, my Sir, to tell me to do something.   i want to do the thing that i want Him to tell me to do too, but i also want Him to tell me to do it.  If i tell Him i want Him to tell me to do it, i’m pretty sure that’s me asking, not Him telling, even if He then tells me to do it.  {Is that sufficiently muddled and cryptic?}

But i want HIM to tell ME first, not after i ask Him to tell me.

Sigh.

Ok, stop it.  i know some of you have your hands poised on the comment button, ready to tell me i need to talk to Him about this.  Just stop right there.  {Laughing…}

i already know that.  Really, i do.  i mean, you can tell me again if it will make you feel better, but i already know.  Now if you just want to say, Poor baby, life is tough, and if you can say it without sounding TOO sarcastic, that would be appreciated!

{And for real, i value all your comments.  Even if occasionally  you do just tell me what i already know, it reinforces it.}

 

Kinky Bloggers

i was feeling a bit blah this morning – no, i’m not depressed, i’m talking my Vitamin D and everything’s fine.  But the weather is cold and gray and i wanted more sleep and my life is not yet perfectly to my specifications, so i was just a bit blah.  And that’s ok.

i started feeling better thinking about the marvelous discussion youall had yesterday in the comments – and jade’s blog, and tori’s blog too.  i’m still in the midst of responding to comments from my post on spirituality, and i was thinking about how insightful and empathic youall often are.

You know, that’s where my longing for a Kinky Bloggers’ convention started.  i had this mental image of a group of us, sitting around a table, drinking coffee or tea ~ or wine ~ and talking.  Just like a discussion in comments, pretty much, only we wouldn’t have to type.  

Then, in my fantasy, there were some classes on stuff.  Really, i imagined something like the Taster’s Choice event we had here recently – a wide variety of short classes on different kinds of play.  Ms. Constance describes it here.  The classes were short, and included:

… Rope Bondage by Robyn, Boot Massage by Bootblack Bella, Therapeutic Massage by Kristin, Intro to Canes by Ms Constance – yours truly – Intro to Flogging by GypsyPony, Hot Safe Sex by Leather Queer, Intro to Electrical Play by Sir Russ, Intro to Knife Play by Sir Charles, Rough Body Play by Walter Sobchak, Intro to Needles by Ms Tammy, Intro to Littles Play by Johnnie and Maggie, and Massage for Doms by Shawna the Dead.

i wanted something like that ~ a variety ~ each one just long enough to give you some idea of what the play is about.  Or there could be longer classes on some things ~ rope, for example.

i imagined us having the opportunity to go to a play party ~ together, so it wouldn’t be a scary prospect, and folks who had been to parties before would be a support for people who hadn’t.  Honestly, in my best fantasy, there were 2 play parties.

We’d have a meet-and-greet for the bloggers on Friday evening, so we could bond a little bit before the party, they go to the first one on Friday night – if you wanted to.  Then Saturday morning, we’d be drinking  coffee and processing the night before ~ and blogging, of course.  

Then we’d go to classes on Saturday, and one of them would be a discussion about trauma and how it affects your D/s experience ~ if you’ve experienced trauma before or not, and how that factors into your dynamic, and so on.  But we’d do other classes too, and we’d be sure to have a chance to get together before the Saturday evening play party and process the day a little bit, check in to make sure everyone’s doing ok.  

Then there’d be dinner and another party and if people didn’t leave early the next day, maybe a brunch with a chance for more processing and talking and laughing and saying good-bye.

Yeah.  That’s the full fantasy.  

So Ms. Constance is starting to plan the event at which some of this can happen.  Currently, there are five people trying to figure out a way to come, according to my survey.  It would be helpful to know if that’s still accurate, if there are other people definitely in or definitely out, and so on.

So talk to me ~ where are we with this idea?

How does it work?

Looking for topics this morning, i went to my “Drafts” and found this ~ my first piece of a post, from 2010.  i said:

Discerning Dom  wrote a fascinating post about power and control.  He explores the paradox – does the dominant actually have the power?  The submissive may give up power, but if they consent to give it up, don’t they still retain it? 

And of course they do. we still have some power, at the least, there is always a way out – even without a safe word, if you really want out you can get out.  {If you can’t, it may not be kink, it may be an abusive relationship.}

Brooke does a wonderful post on anal sex that totally captures the desire to give oneself to please someone else – Him.  She’s not a masochist, it’s not about wanting to hurt, but she’s more than willing to experience pain if it pleases Him.    In fact, she wants him to hurt her, so that she knows that she’s owned, so that he can see that she’s willing to suffer for him. 

And there’s the paradox.  If she wants him to hurt her, then is He in control, is He doing what He wants, or does the submissive have the power?

That’s where i stopped then.  At the time, it was a more pressing question for me than it is now, and it’s sandwiched in with drafts entitled “Am i a Masochist?” and “What about Pain?”

When i was in my first marriage, with M who was not a Dom, i used to have this fantasy of “giving myself” to him completely, belonging to him completely.  Not an unusual fantasy for a young submissive woman.  But in my fantasy, he could hurt me, but didn’t want to.

In real life, with him, any time i approached sharing that fantasy, he quickly wanted to hurt me in ways that were too extreme for where i was at that time.  If we’d been in the lifestyle, and he’d been a Dom, he would have recognized that it was a firm soft limit for me, and could have overcome it.

Instead, his insistence and demands would freak me out and hurt my feelings and i’d withdraw.

Back then, with no knowledge of real life kink, i would think ~ and sometimes say ~ “i want you to be able to hurt me, and to choose not to.”   Honestly though, i meant, hurt me in ways that turn me on, and choose not to harm me.  i wanted the sensual aspects, but in a safe context.

It was unrealistic, and probably completely confusing for him.  This was a man who refused to spank me because it “didn’t seem right” to him, but who raped me any time i dared say i didn’t want sex.   And this post isn’t about blaming him for not being a Dominant.  But it’s such a sharp contrast to my relationship with my Sir.

Sir will never harm me, so i can give Him the power to do whatever He wants.  Yes, even evil nipple stretchers and pussy paddles.  i know that i’m safe with Him.

But ultimately, i still have the power to retract that.  What if {God forbid} He got a brain tumor and could no longer distinguish between what was safe and what wasn’t?  i don’t think i’d be serving Him well by letting Him harm me, and i think i’d have some responsibility to protect Him from that too.

i don’t think that’s going to happen though, or anything like that.  i think Sir and i will keep growing into our dynamic, defining it as we go along.  

But what do youall think?  Who has the power?  Is it something you think about?  What about pain, what role does it play?  Please discuss.

The Dom in the Garage

i missed youall yesterday, although it was kind of relaxing not to roll out of bed and start pounding out my aisha blog post.  But it seemed weird not to get comments during the day.  i felt strangely disconnected.

Anyhow.  i worked late last night, and Sir got home before me, which is unusual.  Clearly, i don’t want that to happen too often, because when i got here, He was out in the garage doing some woodwork.  He had his radio out there, tuned in to the basketball game, and was busily ~ busily doing something…

“Whatcha doing, Honey?” i say.

He looks up, the picture of a mad scientist, if you substitute a wood-burning set for the test tubes.

“Working on the pussy paddle,” He says.

WHAT????

O, yeah.

He’s had this scheme for a while, and since He was home alone last night, He thought He’d “go ahead and get started.”

Here’s a picture:

It’s about 24 inches long, and made from a piece of the same red oak as our regular paddle, so it will be pretty when He gets through with it.  The end is designed with the idea that He’ll be stroking some intimate body parts at times. Here’s a close up:

Yes, it looks like a nipple on the end.  He says if it doesn’t work right, it’s my fault {there’s a shock ~ giggling…  and i guess i’ll pay with my ass, right?}

Anyhow, He says He asked me what shape it should be and i just looked baffled and didn’t give Him any good ideas, so now i just have to accept whatever He comes up with.

{Laughing… }  Ok.  i’m pretty sure i didn’t have any good ideas for the shape, and i’m pretty sure i would have had to accept whatever He came up with in any case, so i guess that works out.  

The holes in it are, of course, there to give it more pain-power.  Because you know, just getting whacked between the legs with a piece of oak would probably not be painful enough all by itself.  Right?  

So i’m off to exercise and get ready for work ~ must get home earlier tonight…