Still Ticking…

Yesterday was a difficult day.  Still a little sub-droppy, doing my on-call for jails and had to do two runs – separately – spending three and a half hours on the road running back forth.   After my regular work day.

And, as Sin has pointed out, on-call week makes me kind of angst-y anyhow.

And at work yesterday, it seemed like there was a little more sad-painful than usual.  Usually, i can absorb it and  be ok.  But yesterday, there were a couple of times i was on the verge of tears.

One of those times, i wasn’t the only staff person tearing up, so it wasn’t just me, it really was a heavy load of sad-painful.  But still.

Fortunately, i know that talking about it helps ~ just telling the story of whatever bothered me to someone else begins to dissipate the weight of it.

And ~ in honesty ~ i was thinking about mouse and Omega.  Not in any kind of negative way, just trying to stretch my own understanding, and reaching out to them ~ sending positive energy through the universe in their direction.

Even though i don’t know what direction that is.  laughing… but the universe knows where they are.

Thank goodness, Sir and i were still able to have dinner together, in between jail runs.

Being with Him supports me, lets me lean.  He doesn’t have to do anything particular. Just His presence, the way He listens, His smile ~ those things are enough to make me feel good.

The way He touches me.

So when i finally get home, and put myself to bed, i have this sense of connection to Him.  It’s like ~

~~ it’s like my heart is open, and there’s an invisible thread that runs from me all the way across town to Him.   

O, yeah.  i guess it’s not a frigging invisible thread.  It’s rope, isn’t it?

Laughing… it’s rope that connects us.  All the way across town.

Thud

Did you hear that?  

Last night ~ that thud?  

Yeah.

It was me, dropping from the high i’d been on since the weekend.  Landing with a solid thud.

No, i’m ok.  No real damage.  Just a dent in my bubble of happy.

i was sitting here last night, feeling all cranky and out of sorts, wondering what the hell was wrong with me, when i realized ~ of course!  Two-three days after an event ~~

sub-drop.

It wasn’t quite a crash this time.  Just a thud.  Landed on my butt, i think.  No damage done.

For a minute, i was annoyed with my Sir.  i told Him this would happen!  i asked Him not to be out of touch today!

But He wasn’t actually “out of touch” ~ He just wasn’t very communicative.   Maybe He’s having a touch of Dom-drop.  They say it happens.

In any case, i managed to acknowledge my feelings.  Yes, i’m a little blue.

No, it’s not so much fun being at home as it was being at a kink event with Sir.  All that adrenaline high, all the extra dopamine and serotonin floating around in my system is pretty much gone.

i’m back to my regular, mundane life, surrounded mostly by Muggles.

And that’s ok.  

It helps that i will see Sir tonight.  Helps that i’m in a relationship that i feel secure about.  Helps that He wasn’t completely out of touch yesterday.

In the words of my favorite reggae artist, i can tell myself ~ “Don’t worry ’bout a thing.  ‘Cause every little thing, gonna be alright…”

(Yes, i had to include it here…}

But it has not always been this easy for me, and may not always be this smooth.  In fact, i may think i’m sliding through this sub-drop now and discover at some point that i’m really not.  

But it ties in nicely with the theme of aftercare and responsibility for our own emotions, doesn’t it?  

i can never decide if i love it or hate it when i’m talking about something, and then it happens ~ when i get to live it instead of talking theory.  Anyhow ~~

SherynB has written a couple of pieces on aftercare.  One of them, she did about three years ago ~  “The Cult of Aftercare.”  If you’re on fetlife, you can find it here:

It was apparently misinterpreted by lots of people, because she wrote a follow-up called “Aftercare??  Seriously??” which is over here:

They’re both excellent.  And you know i’ve got more to say about them, and will be saying it in the next few days.  

i really appreciate the comments i got yesterday.  i want to respond thoughtfully, and  i’m trying to move at my own pace today.   Trying to be gentle with myself.  So be patient with me, please.

Sir is coming to my house tonight, i have straightening up to do and need to get to work early and all that usual stuff.

So i’ll leave you with this quote from SherynB:

“If you are going to ask somebody to play with your pain, your fears, your phobias, your self-esteem, your core emotional identity…you need to have done some work of your own, and be prepared to do more.”

Food for thought, isn’t it?