Thoughts to Ponder

Some quotes from Anais Nin, who fascinates me.

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” 
― Anaïs Nin

“I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing.” 
― Anaïs Nin

“He was now in that state of fire that she loved. She wanted to be burnt.” 
― Anaïs Nin, Delta of Venus

“When does real love begin?

At first it was a fire, eclipses, short circuits, lightning and fireworks; the incense, hammocks, drugs, wines, perfumes; then spasm and honey, fever, fatigue, warmth, currents of liquid fire, feast and orgies; then dreams, visions, candlelight, flowers, pictures; then images out of the past, fairy tales, stories, then pages out of a book, a poem; then laughter, then chastity.

At what moment does the knife wound sink so deep that the flesh begins to weep with love?

At first power, power, then the wound, and love, and love and fears, and the loss of the self, and the gift, and slavery. At first I ruled, loved less; then more, then slavery. Slavery to his image, his odor, the craving, the hunger, the thirst, the obsession.” 
― Anaïs Nin, Fire: From “A Journal of Love” The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin, 1934-1938

Stillness

In the stillness of the morning

when all the tasks of the day are still before me,

but not yet pressing on me,

and the memories of yesterday seem dim,

with His body warm next to me,

my nipples tingling from the fierceness of

the night before,

in the stillness of that moment

i am content.

Sated.

Full of the joy of right now.

Women and Friendship

i’m on the run all weekend.  

It is all good stuff.  There’s not one single thing i’ve got planned that i don’t want to do.  And still, it feels a little daunting.

The good news is that my Sir will be with me late this afternoon and until tomorrow morning!  

The other thing that keeps me going, and has kept me going in the absence of a Sir, is the women in my life.  So when i found this article about women and friendship, i thought youall might enjoy it too.

If you can’t get to it by clicking on “this article,” here’s the link:  

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/24/science/how-hbos-girls-mirrors-the-spirit-of-sisterhood-in-nature.html

Who He Is

i get little tastes of who He is.  Um, so to speak.

Not just the kinky, although plenty of that too.  But last night, there were things i was fretting about and we talked about them.  He listened.

Really listened.  He does that so well.

He shared His thoughts.

And i listened.

i guess i must do that pretty well my self, because early this morning, long before the sun was up, i acted on the really subtle advice He’d offered.  It was a work thing.  And what He’d said was what i need to hear.

That was lovely.  AND ~

~ also last night ~

it was a challenge for me.  Something we’d planned and He wanted to change our plans and really, i didn’t want to.    It felt like a huge loss, what He wanted.  But He had a really good reason.   It would really have been selfish and churlish to refuse Him.

It was really hard to bite back the angry words that i wanted to spill on Him.  i knew right away that what He was suggesting was the right thing to do.  No doubt about it.  But ~

~ i didn’t want to!!  i didn’t want to give up anything!

Sigh.

But i stopped myself, and i made myself say, “Yes.”  i said it freely, letting go of what i wanted.  It wasn’t as hard as i thought it would be.

Of course, it’s easier for me to give up what i want for something that’s right than it would be if it had been just because He wanted it.  But it was still hard.  i had to look directly at myself, wanting to be angry with Him because He’d pointed out what we needed to do.  And i stopped.  i let it go.

And then i asked Him if we could make another change, one that made it more like what we’d originally planned, but it meant Him shifting the way He’d wanted things.   And He said yes, agreed to it easy as anything.

Maybe this is not amazing to you.  But all of those things ~ that He gave me work advice that i needed to hear, that He wasn’t afraid or even hesitant to tell me what He thought we needed to do, and that He was willing to make some sacrifice too ~

Wow.

Then ~ as if that weren’t enough ~ when i had some miscellaneous stuff come up that i needed to deal with, in the middle of our time together ~ He was ok with it.   And it wasn’t work or family even, it was some other stuff, and He didn’t mind at all.

Maybe that doesn’t seem like a big deal to you either, but it is to me.

He had used the cane on me already, leaving me tingling and relaxed.  Later, we were tender with each other, and the combination of all this left me in a pile of gooey want-to-please.  i did that as best i could, but i’m carrying it with me today still.

Feeling the pull of Him on my heart, and other parts of my body too… Looking forward to Saturday.

Anxiety

i have been anxious lately, and it tends to annoy me.  Apparently, i expect myself not to feel anxious.  Ever.

Which is kind of stupid, because i know better than that.

And i should know better than to call myself stupid.  That’s ridiculous.

Yeah.

And when my head is fairly well twisted up on itself, that’s the best time for a spanking.

Standing at the foot of the bed, He says, “Pull your panties down to about here,” indicating with the cane, tapping lightly on the back of my thighs, where He wants them.

It is the single cane tonight.

And there are quizzes involved.  Questions about salad dressing and how to spell things and what He said was going to happen.  

i answer some of the questions right, and some of them wrong.

When i get them wrong, the cane lands on my ass with that sharp whistle and sting that makes me gasp.  When i get them right, the cane lands on my ass with that sharp whistle and sting that makes me gasp.

There is something reassuring about that.

i discover that i can’t spell while being caned.  Who knew?  

When He has finished, i am not anxious any more, and my thoughts are not tied into knots.  i thank Him, of course.  It was just what i needed.

Stripes

If you read “Ranch Dressing,” you might have thought that i’d already been punished for my infraction on Saturday.  But actually, we were involved in a vanilla activity all day Saturday, and Sunday morning was not the time.  

i wondered if He had changed His mind.  i may have even asked him in an email if He’d been serious about punishing me.  After all, i didn’t actually do anything wrong.

Don’t ask me what inspired that nonsense.

Last night, we were at another purely vanilla event, one involving grade school children and musical instruments.  It was lots of fun.  

Afterwards, He walked me to my car.

Casually, He says,  “Tomorrow night, I’m gonna put stripes on your ass.”

Then he adds, “I can’t believe you asked me if I was serious.  Of course I was serious.”  

But ~ “But i didn’t actually do anything wrong.”  i can’t help saying it.

He shakes His head.  “Don’t try to inject logic into this.  Stripes on your ass.  Tomorrow.”

This morning, i find myself thinking about it.  

No, it’s not really a punishment, although i’m sure at some point it will feel like one.  So it won’t exactly be fun either.  It’s that “something else” He does that makes me feel good when He’s done.  

The kind that afterwards, you sigh and say, “i needed that…”

At least that’s what i’m hoping for, right?

Vanilla

Is actually my favorite flavor of ice cream.

i love ice cream.  Sugar cone or waffle cone, either one works, but preferably not that little round- with- a- flat- bottom -cardboard- tasting one.

Hard ice cream, hand scooped, is better than soft swirl.  

Chocolate chocolate chip is pretty awesome too.  Preferably with big chunks of chocolate.  Mmmmm.

i’m a little goofy today.

Yesterday, someone pointed out to me how easy it would be to “out me” from this blog.  With just a little bit more information, they  connected me with my vanilla identify.  

i know they were doing me a favor.  

Sigh.

And i’m not as freaked out as some of you might be.  After all, these days there are more than a few people who know both my personnas.  It’s not the end of the world.  i just need to figure out how i want to handle it.

Also good news, i’m not really very blackmail-able.  Don’t have enough money to make it worthwhile,  And my kids are grown, no risk of them being removed.

Some of my  friends would be shocked.  But maybe not dreadfully.

And this person wasn’t trying to blackmail me.  Just giving me a heads up.

Sigh.

Not Either/Or

i am strong.

i carry the strength of my mother and of my grandmothers.  Women who crossed oceans on a hope and a prayer.  Women who loved and married and bore children.  Women who lost loved ones, struggled with money, tried to balance their own needs with the demands of family and life.

i come from a long line of women who worked.  We worked inside the home and out.  Not always a “career-choice,” often driven by need.  We were housekeepers and seamstresses, teachers and social workers.  We worked in offices  and factories, and sometimes we worked in the fields.

My womenfolk believed that we were the equal of any man, and that we were entitled to equal opportunity.  Equal education, equal jobs, and a full range of choices for ourselves and our daughters.

My mother and my grandmothers and my great-greats, as far back as i can see, were willing to make sacrifices to be with a husband, to be there for family, to care for a child.  They left home, or didn’t.   They traveled when they needed to and they grew roots when they could.

i come from a long line of strong, independent women.  We are not that way because some liberal women’s rights movement told us we should be.  We learned the hard way that there won’t always be a man around, and sometimes you just need to do what needs to be done.

i stand with the tradition of women in my family.  i am a strong, independent woman.

AND

i am submissive.

i love the exchange of power.  Love the feel of handing who i am to the man i call Sir.  

i submit to His will, obey His words with great pleasure, even when it’s hard.   Following His lead, i grow in ways that i would not know without Him.

My Sir is not threatened by my strength.  He doesn’t need me to quit being who i am.  And He enjoys knowing that He controls me.  i don’t give up my strength and independence, i submit them to His care.

i am a submissive woman.  

Independent and Strong and Submissive.

It is not Either/Or.

Ranch Dressing

It isn’t fair.

i didn’t mean it that way.

i did remember.  i knew.

i just thought… i just thought maybe…

O.

Five?

For not remembering?

But ~ But, Sir, i ~

And more?

Arguing?  No ~ i ~ i ~

was just saying ~

just meant ~

O.

Five more?

Um,

{but it’s not fair, that’s not what i meant, you don’t understand, it wasn’t what you think!}

Um,

Yes.

Sir.

A Quickie

Nooooo, not that kind of quickie.  

This kind:

“It’s in the act of having to do things that you don’t want to that you learn something about moving past the self. Past the ego.” 
~~ bell hooks

No one is more of a feminist than bell hooks.  And she may not be talking about D/s relationships {ok, i’m pretty sure she’s not} but it still applies, doesn’t it?

Also, if you haven’t seen Monkey’s post today, i recommend it.  Awesome quote.

On the run today ~ had to do a vanilla blog first thing this morning before my volunteer gig {because i am a procrastinator} and now i’m off to new adventures with my Sir…

And a picture in keeping with the theme of my day:

Yes, fireworks, not a kaleidoscope!  Hope your night is full of pretty explosions too…