Day 30 ~ Finishing What i Started ~ 30 Days of Submission

Is your need to submit being met?

O, yes. 

If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again?

No.  i mean, i could be happy/content by myself, because i have been before, i don’t necessarily have to have a Dom in my life to be ok.  But i would not have a vanilla relationship.

What makes submission special to you?  

It’s not “special to me,” it’s just part of who i am.

Now, having finished that {yes, i might have been getting a bit bored with it} i’ll move on to other things.

Thank you all for the kind comments you left yesterday on my thoughts about not blogging here anymore.  i’ll answer individually too, but it’s nice to know i’d be missed, and i appreciate that.

i started this blog because i’d been required to send First Sir my masturbation fantasies.  He liked them a lot, and i enjoyed writing them.

About the same time, i discovered blogs.  

i put the two together, and aisha was born.

Back then, i didn’t even know how to create an email address in a different name.  First Sir did that for me.

i went from there to a whirlwind of adventures, with so many new experiences and feelings, i could barely process it.  The blog became a place to express my darkest fantasies (see the training fantasies} and my highest hopes.

My blog has been a place to ponder things that have happened to me, things i’ve read, things i’ve done.

Yeah.

And it still is.

Today i’m thinking about relationships.  It’s so easy to see what we think other people should do or not do.  So easy to tell them where they went wrong.

So none of our business.

If you think it’s wrong to have an affair with someone who’s married, don’t do it.  

But when you tell someone “Of course your relationship didn’t last,” because of that, you’re not only out-of-line, you’re not being rational or logical.  The belief  that a relationship couldn’t last and thrive because it began when both parties were married to someone else is simply not fact-based.

When someone says that the BDSM community is too accepting of infidelity, i can only shrug.  What does that mean?  How should we be less accepting?  What would that look like?  Perhaps it could involve a Scarlet A?

In my experience, people in the BDSM community are just like people anywhere.  Some of them are open and accepting, others just want their own desires validated, and some are as judgmental as any fundamental Christian church-goer.  

i used to think that love and marriage were supposed to be a straight line through your life.  Even though that has not been the experience of any of the women in my family, i thought that was how it was “supposed to” be.  

Shrug.

Our lives have a flow and a rhythm that we don’t always dictate.  

A number of years ago, my live-in lover cheated on me.  At the time, when i caught him, it was fairly devastating.  

In retrospect, it was the best thing that could have happened in that relationship.  

It took discovering that he was cheating for me to end the relationship, which was not actually working well.  It was just not-working in a way that i didn’t recognize as unhealthy.  But it was, and i moved on, thank goodness.

He and the little Tootsie he cheated on me with are still together, living happily-ever-after, i hope.  Well, i mostly hope.

But i can laugh about it now.  Who knows how long i would have lingered with him?  i used to think that it completely blind-sided me, but that’s because i was ignoring the fact that we didn’t have sex for almost a year.   Didn’t cuddle, didn’t share orgasms, none of that.

i was ignoring my own needs.  What was i thinking???   

My life has changed so much, has gotten so much better since then.

His little Tootsie, who was married at the time herself, had two or three special needs children, who i’m sure are benefitting from his fathering, so it was a happy ending all the way ’round.     {i guess i need to quit calling her “his little Tootsie?  O, maybe not just yet.}

Anyhow.

We’re all entitled to our opinions.  And you can say, “I’d never have an affair,” and express whatever beliefs you have about that.  But when you start going “tsk-tsk” and telling other people what they should or shouldn’t do, you’re out of line.

You don’t know where they’re going.  So you can’t possibly know what paths they need to take to get there.

Um, in my opinion.  

Day 29 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

Short answer ~ yes.  Of course it’s part of my submission.

It turns me on.  

I’m pretty sure we already talked about this, didn’t we?

Yeah.  i’m not doing it again.

i begin to wonder if i’ve explored everything i need to explore here on this blog.  mouse and Omega deciding that mouse doesn’t need to post regularly has given me food for thought along those lines.

i read poppy’s submissions, and the beautiful and intense writing in response to this question, and i wonder where my passion is.  And not just poppy of course {although, she is fabulously popular, why am i just now finding her?}  

But there are so many intense blogs, as people explore who they are, and i feel like an old lady of kink, tethered to my rocking chair, quite comfortable despite the canes and antennas hanging over my head.

Not to say i don’t have passion ~ there’s plenty of it ~ but maybe not so much in my daily writing here.

No, i’m not ready to walk away from it, just playing with the idea.  i’m back to thinking i need to quit posting every day though.  Or maybe not.  

You know, i am one of those people who announces that it’s about time to leave a long time before i actually go.  i end up dancing on the doorstep, sharing one more thought, one more hug, as i say good-bye.

Someday, i will have a blog in my vanilla persona about kink, so if you’re reading some psychology thing about kink someday and you think, “omg, she sounds like aisha!” don’t out me, ok?

Day 28 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.

i guess the short answer here is “no.”  

i mean, i’ve looked back and realized i made a mistake about a zillion times, but i don’t think i changed “how i handle my submission.”  In fact, i’m not sure i handle my submission, i suspect it handles me.

Nobody’s ever criticized me for my submission, because i only tell people who would be accepting.  And i’ve never had anybody do that, “you’re not submissive enough,” or, “you’re not a ‘true’ submissive,” thing.  Or if i did, i quit talking to them so quickly that  i’ve forgotten them completely.

In my youth, in my vanilla life, i used to know people who would fuss at me for letting other people take advantage of me.  But eventually, i realized that the person fussing usually just wanted me to spend more time on them and less on other people.  i rarely did more for someone than i was comfortable doing.

And i’m babbling now.

Not feeling so great today, don’t know if it’s allergies, or if i’m trying to not get sick.  It is allergy season here in Where-i-Live, but it’s always allergy season here.  Drinking orange juice, taking my vitamins, and might add chicken soup for lunch.

i have my volunteer gig today, and a full morning schedule, plans for the evening, and hopes for a nap in between.

Last night, i came home late.  Sir had some rope and the strip of wood He got from the junkyard laid out on the bed.  i cocked an eyebrow at Him, and He just nodded.

The tether has a permanent spot next to my side of the bed now.  It’s become the norm for Him to spank me and tie me to the tether when He tucks me in.   When He comes to bed, He unties me.

i suppose in a while He’ll get tired of doing that every night, and that will be ok too.  But i sure am enjoying it now.

Sir and i haven’t had a chance to talk about His answers to the Dominance questions, but i’m still planning to blog on that.   Maybe tomorrow.  Now it’s time to go start the day…

Day 27 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

i’m sure i do have, but i have no idea what they are right now.  i am too busy keeping up with the submissive life i’m living, trying to build my new career path, and generally living the good life.

Just for the record, today i was prepared to remind Sir that it’s garbage day.  However, last night He informs me that this week, i am not allowed to remind Him it’s garbage day.

What?

But ~ i’m planning  to do it!  

No.

Now i’m not even supposed to think about the garbage.  This week, anyhow.

Um, yes, Sir.

So, these are my daily struggles.  Last night, i had to try to decide which of the antennas i “like best.”   Let me just say, it is not the antenna with the metal threading around it.  Yikes.

Yep, it’s a tough life, here in Happily-Ever-After.

On a whole different note, Ms. Constance has started a “Questions for Dominants” over on her blog here.

Sir and i went through the questions this morning.  i had planned to get Him to answer the first one ~ “What is the most important quality for a Dominant to possess?”~ and blog about it.  

But in typical Dom fashion, He wanted  to skip that one, answered the second and third questions first, then went back to the first one, and finally worked His way through the list.

i started taking notes before we got to the third question.

It was a wonderful conversation, and i was a little surprised to discover how much it turned me on.  Mmmhmmm.  Just talking about it.  Little shivers going through me, just from things He said, and lots of wetness.

i sent Him the questions and my notes ~ He’s going to review them, and may let me blog His answers.  But whether He lets me blog about it or not, just having the conversation was very cool.  

And now, i have stuff to do.  Here’s a bonus for today ~ research on orgasms.  It will not be a news bulletin to us that orgasm shuts down a woman’s brain.  But  interesting that the research suggests a link to neural pathways of  pain .

THANKS, DONNA!

Day 26 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

i started answering this, then i thought, “didn’t i blog about this before?”  A quick search turned up this post from January, 2011.

i can’t picture Him – i don’t know what He looks like.  Don’t know what He sounds like.  Don’t know where He lives, or what He does for a living.

He is more elusive than frigging Santa Claus.

He is someone i can respect.  Look up to in some ways.  Maybe even admire.  Someone who knows who He is, and isn’t afraid to be Himself.

He is strong, and gentle, and wise.  Funny and sweet.  Rough and demanding.

His hands stroke my face, twist my hair, spank my ass…  His hands smack my pussy, caresses my cheek, pull me to Him.  He holds me tight, bodies pressed together. 

His fingers rub my clit, grasp my nipples, slide inside my pussy, pressing up, pressing til He takes me up and up and – over the top

                    – tumbling down – gasping and moaning His name…

More elusive than frigging Santa Claus, He is.

He listens to me, and understands me.   He wants me to grow, while He grows Himself too, and between us we create a relationship that transcends who either of us are alone.  My submission and His dominance combine in an alchemy of the heart.

He knows that the symbolic has power beyond the concrete, and that magic trumps mundane.  Grounded firmly in reality, His spirit soars in other realms. 

Together, we fly.

In January 2012, i blogged about the list of qualities i want in a man, a list i had made way back in 2009. It looked like this:

Physical:

• Not in terrible health; not someone who talks about their blood pressure or diabetes all the time.

• Not obese

• Has a kind face – or a wise face, or maybe even an interesting face.

• Interested in physical intimacy.

Social:

• Not racist, sexist, classist, homophobic, and so on.  Appreciates diversity.

• Has a social conscience; does some things to help make the world a better place.

• Reasonably comfortable in social settings, not agoraphobic or with an anxiety disorder.

• Has friends.

• Fun to be with.  Likes to do things – listen to music, dance, go to events, festivals, plays, eat out, travel – at least some of those.

Mental:

• Intelligent

• Likes to read, and is well-read.

• Good sense of humor.

• Interested in the world, curious, still learning.

Emotional:

• Warm, caring, compassionate, empathic

• Strong – has self-control, able to handle his own emotions, handles adversity reasonably well.

• Sensitive – able to empathize with other’s pain, able to recognize his own pain and come to terms with it.

• Generous, loving, sensual.

• Not whiny, depressed, anxious, or dependent.

• Capable of emotional intimacy.

Spiritual:

• Spirituality is a source of strength for him in some way.

• Tolerant of a variety of spiritual traditions, can appreciate diversity.

• Accepts my beliefs as valid for me, respects them even if he doesn’t agree or share them.

Back in January, when i blogged about that list, i was dancing-in-my-chair happy that Sir met all those criteria.  And He still does.

One last note though ~ the deal breaker for me, the most important quality of them all, the one i think should be on everyone’s list, is self-control.  

A Dom without self-control is a dangerous Dom.

i’m amused that i could answer this question by quoting myself, wonder if that means i’ve already said most of the things i need to say.  For sure, now that Sir and i have found each other, i am a happy submissive, a happy woman.

Day 25 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

O, there are so many objects and rituals!  BDSM is all about symbolism and ritual, isn’t it?

Collars and rope ~

    ~  the quilt He likes to use,

               ~ sitting at His feet ~ every night now.

The tether   Good grief, the tether.

Coffee…

… grinding the beans, measuring, brewing,

Two sweet and low’s,  a dash of half and half

offer it so He can take the handle, not the hot cup

Being put to bed, stroked, caressed

        tucked in.

~ Heels and stockings ~ thigh highs ~ garter belts

His belt, whips and crops 

radio antennas, paddles, floggers, canes, 

or just His bare hand

          ~ landing on my ass, my thighs, my breasts, as i’m held ~

~ over His lap, splayed across the bed, on the spanking bench

or tied to the St. Andrew’s cross.

His hand around my wrist ~~

~~  just His hand.

Around my wrist ~

sends me spiraling into submissive space in a rush of love and acceptance that i can feel

all the way down

to my pussy.

 

Day 24 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

This question confuses me ~ is it emotions that let me directly access submission?  How does that work? 

When i feel ___________, then i am able to directly access my submission.

Nope.  Not working.  Multiple choice?

i am able to directly access my submission best when i feel:

a)  sad

b)  mad

c)  glad  or

d) scared

Nope.  Doesn’t make sense to me.  And those are the four feeling groups.   They say that all other feelings are either varying degrees or combinations of those feelings.

Often, we confuse thoughts and feelings.  We say, “i feel like…. blah, blah, blah,” but what follows is not usually a feeling, the “blah, blah, blah” is not a feeling, it’s a thought.  

Feelings are usually one word, not a phrase or sentence.

Is “submissive” a feeling itself?  Some odd combination of all the feeling groups?

Maybe.

Yeah.  Think about this.

When He grabs my hair at the base of my neck, i feel submissive.  

And it’s a process, right?  It happens quickly, much faster than i can describe it, but it’s a process.

There’s a physical response ~ my heart beats faster, my breath quickens, i may blush, i feel hot.

Ok, that’s anxiety.  Or fear.  That’s a response to danger.  

Hmmmmm.

That’s the flight or fight response, but instead of running or fighting, i relax into it.  i know i’m not in real danger ~

~ although i stay in a state of alertness, right?  On edge, intense awareness of the moment, my environment, and Sir.

Physically, my body is responding to danger, and my mind knows i’m safe.  So there’s relief and risk all mingled together.   i feel aroused and my pussy gets wet and i demonstrate my submission.

i open to Him, in some way i signal Him that i’m not fighting His demand on my body, whatever the demand is, but i’m open to Him.  

Like dogs in a pack drop to the ground, belly up, to signal their submission to the alpha male, i do too.  In some figurative way, through body language or words, i concede to His power and control. 

Lots of anxiety in submission, even if i don’t label it that way, that’s what my body says.  

Last night, Sir said He would put me to bed.  Usually He waits til i’m in bed and tucks me in, but last night, while i’m brushing my teeth, He turns the covers down.

He leaves a long piece of rope on the bed where i would lay.

Heart beating faster, i wonder what the rope is for.

He has left the tether next to the bed all day.  Now there is rope on the bed.

What is He going to do?

i’m not actually surprised when He ties my wrists together.   He ties them in front of me, and tells me to lie down.

The ends of the rope seems short ~i’m thinking, ‘i won’t be able to move!’ but i lie down, on my side, which is how i sleep anyhow.  The rope reaches the tether, but without much room to move.

He attaches the rope to the tether.

“But, Sir,” i say, “i can’t roll over, or anything.”

“No,” He says, matter-of-factly, “You can’t.  Can’t touch yourself either, can you?”

“No, Sir,” i say.  

i can’t touch myself, can’t cover myself with the blankets either, i’m exposed, laying on my side, attached to the tether.

His hands are on me, as He does now when He tucks me in, His hands stroke my body, as if He is taking inventory, yes, there are her flanks, her breasts, yes, the nipples still get hard, legs, thighs.  His fingers explore my wetness just long enough to confirm my arousal.

Then He covers me with the sheet, pulls up the quilt.  

“Go to sleep,” He says.  “I’ll be in soon.”

Turns off the light and leaves me there.

In the darkness.  Tethered.  Helpless.  Tingling.

And safe.  

i fall asleep.

When He comes to bed, He unties my hands.  Half-awake, i feel Him loosening the rope, unwrapping my wrists, and smile.

He slides into bed behind me, spoons me, while His hands check my body one more time.  Like He’s leaving His mark on me, the imprint of His hands lingers.

It is such a mix of feelings that make up feeling submissive… is it fear followed by relief, mixed with some version of glad?  i don’t know.  More to think about.  

But i think “submissive” is a feeling itself.

**************************

Before all that, yesterday evening, i went to the fourth Sunday munch,  and had a lovely time, chatting with Ms. Constance mostly.

Now that she’s joined the ranks of bloggers, that’s a whole ‘nother topic for us to explore.  She blogged about the munch too ~ check it out here.  

She mentioned the 30 Days of Submission writing project that some of us submissives are doing and mentioned that she’s considering coming up with some questions for Doms/Masters/Tops.   Probably not 30, but some.   Wouldn’t that be cool?

Day 23 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

i missed youall yesterday ~ i overslept, missed my volunteer gig, and the rest of my day was scheduled ~ fun things, for the most part.  

i had breakfast with a friend.  Came home and ~

~ realized that my housekeeping was falling below a level that is comfortable for me.   My standards are not real high, so i had some serious tidying to do.  It felt good to get it done, although i have more to finish up today.

Then Sir and i went out for the evening, and that was fun.  We went to a fundraiser, talked to some interesting people, and then had dinner together ~ just the two of us ~ at a nice restaurant.

We came home, and i was feeling really close to Him and loving, which for me means turned on sexually too.  So, in the best of all possible endings, He spanked me soundly, fucked me, and put me to bed.

Now on to the 23rd day question.

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

i came late to the lifestyle, and i’ve told that story before here in different ways.  How i read Story of O when i was quite young, and was fiercely aroused by it.

And i was equally repelled by it.  i did not want to be fucked by nameless men, or whipped til i bled.  I didn’t want to wear a ring that would mark me as available to men who recognized the sing.  

Ok, those things might have been hot in the book ~ i’ll give you that.  But really, really, i didn’t want that, and i was ashamed that the idea aroused me so much.

So i disliked and questioned and didn’t act on the feelings of wanting to submit most of my life.

Seven or eight years ago, when i was almost 50, i read a book called Come Hither:  A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex.  It opened those doors for me to the possibility of the real lifestyle, and was the beginning of my sexual and submissive awakening.

As for not liking or being repelled by things about my own submission now, i can’t think of anything that strikes me that way at the moment.  

Of course there are things about other people’s dynamics that are not my cup of tea, things that i would dislike or that might repel me.  But i won’t go into that ~ it’s not my place to judge other folks’ kink.

Except ~ abuse, nonconsensual interactions, and lack of respect for each other.  Those are things that repel me.  But they’re not BDSM anyhow, so it doesn’t really count.

i have some issues with relationships that are D/s based on the idea that women are naturally s-types.  But i don’t expect everyone to agree with me.

In fact, that’s the point, isn’t it?  You can have some “ick” factor about something, and it’s ok to just keep that to yourself.  

Like i used to tell my kids when i served food they didn’t like, “It’s not actually necessary to say, “EWWWWWW, NOOOOO, YUCK, I HATE THAT!!”  A simple, ‘No, thank you, I don’t care for that,’ will do.”

Out of Sorts

i’m out of sorts today.  No good reason, nothing particularly wrong.  Just feeling, you know, kind of crappy.  i could make up some reasons why, but they’d be made up.

Wait.  No.

Sub-drop.

Frigging sub-drop.

That’s what it frigging is. Damn.

F

     A

            L

                  L

                        I

                             N

                                   G

CRASH!!!!    BANG!!!

       Splat.

Day 22 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

Interesting question.  

i have felt submissive without a dominant partner, but it hasn’t been a good idea to express that.  In my experience, vanilla men do not get it, don’t particularly want it, and don’t have a clue what to do with it.  

i’ve handled that by not having sexual/ romantic vanilla relationships in the last almost ten years.  

So, on a whole different note ~ here are a couple of  stories that have made me ponder submission

One happened Monday night, when i was following Sir’s text directions, getting ready for dinner.  At one point, He texted me to look out the bedroom window at the street.  The blinds were closed, so i opened them.  i was looking out, expecting to see Him drive up or something.  

Instead, i get another text.  This one says, “Close the blinds and look out from between the slats.”

Shocked, i obey, wondering where He is that He can see the window.   From then on, i have the sense that He’s close by and could walk in at any moment.  

Later, much later, i ask Him where He was ~ turns out He was blocks away.  He just figured the blinds were open.

Dom magic.

But that made me aware of the power i attribute to Hm.  i really believed He could see me.

On a whole different note, when Sir moved in, the first thing He said ~ well, one of the first things ~ was that He would be in charge of taking out the trash.  Ok, cool, that works for me.

i was a little concerned that it was the start of a big sexist split in who did what, but that hasn’t been the case.  However, He has held on to the “I take out the garbage” stance.

i am actually forbidden to take out the trash.

Which is fine.  Strange, but fine.

The garbage truck comes early here.  i know from my own experience, if one puts off taking the can to the street until morning, one had better get it out there before 6 a.m. or risk not having it picked up.

And yet, i would procrastinate, think “i’ll take it out in the morning,” and end up racing to the street with it as i heard the truck turning the corner.

So it doesn’t bother me that Sir doesn’t take the garbage out the night before.  i get that.  i don’t even worry about it if we miss a pick-up ~ BTDT, not the end of the world.

But a couple of weeks ago, He starts suggesting that i need to help Him remember that he needs to get up early and get the garbage out.

i am resistant to this.  If you’re in charge of garbage, you’re in charge of garbage.  Not my job to remind you.  Nope.  Not doing it.

So last night, He just flat tells me to do it.  To get Him up a half hour after i get up {gives me time to make coffee} and to remind Him to take the garbage out.

This is exactly what i absolutely would not do in a vanilla relationship.  No way.  Be a frigging grown-up.  If you’re responsible for something, you’re responsible for it.  Don’t expect me to remind you.

So i don’t know what happened last night.  

Well, maybe i do.  

He makes it an order, not a request.  A gentle order, but an order.

He says it in the Dom tone of voice, not demanding or loud, but firm.  He says something like, “I want you to remind me that it’s garbage day.”  Emphasis on you.  And want.

It’s different from what i think of as a sort of whiny “i can’t remember unless you tell me.”  It’s a specific direction. 

He says, “I’m going to set my alarm for half an hour after you get up, to help you remember that i need to get up early, but I want you to remind me to take the garbage out.”    

 Magic Dom words, “I want you to.”

Put that way, what else can i say?  

“Yes, Sir.”

So i kind of think that maybe i really will do anything He tells me to do.  It might seem like picking out the antenna i “want” Him to use on me is a more intense test of submission.  But it’s not.

Reminding Him to take out the garbage ~ that’s a huge test for me.  And i step right into it ~ total obedience.

It even tuns me on a little bit, when i think about it that way.  

Weird.