Home Again, Home Again ~ Just in Time

Yep, back from Very-Far-Away, barely in time for KBC.  

Yes i had a fabulous time, and yes, i’m glad to be home.  

But ~ here’s the thing ~ i don’t think any kinky bloggers from the blogosphere are coming.  If you are ~ let me know.  Either comment here, or message me at aisha.hisservant@gmail.com and i’ll be there to welcome you. 

But as far as i know, none of you are able to make it.  Several of you really, really wanted to be here, but couldn’t make it happen ~ i know that, too.   So maybe mark your calendars for next year ~ first weekend in March.

Or maybe we’re too private a bunch ~ maybe it’s destined to remain a fantasy in my own mind ~ we’ll see.

There will still be a couple of blogging related classes this year, and if anyone wants to do a google chat room, or whatever it’s called that Wordwytch was telling me about, we could do that.  You’d need to be available sometime between 11:30 and 12:45 and/or between 2:15 and 3:30.  i think you wouldn’t need to be on the whole time, you could just stop by and say hi.  

If you’re interested in doing that, let me know, and we’ll make it happen.  

Now i need to go exercise… back soon.

Memories…

Yesterday, fiona was asking questions about the KBC {Kinky Bloggers’ Convention} and wanted me to remember what it was like back when this was all new to me  ~ like August, 2010.  Not exactly ancient history, but it sure seems like a long time ago

i recorded it all here in lurid detail and four-part harmony.   Of course, that experience was actually defined by Sir D, who was a very experienced Dominant.  

It was also a transformative experience for me, that particular night, that particular series of events.  And now i have to think about what i want to say here.

You know, we all carry stuff ~ baggage ~ old tapes ~ whatever you want to call it ~ from childhood.  It doesn’t have to be “abuse,” but there’s always stuff, just because we’re human, and so are our parents.  

The events at that first play party were transformative for me.  They allowed me to shed some of the baggage i carried.  Partly through the experience, partly through writing about it, and then with great clarity in a therapy  session with JM, the amazing analyst.

i shed some of that old stuff like a snake sheds its skin.   Shame, slipping off my shoulders…  it was pretty amazing.

The process of BDSM, done well, is soul work, i think.  When not done well, maybe not so much, but who knows?

Tori at Pains Pleasure writes about a recent situation in Britain that demonstrates one of the things that can happen when people don’t know what they’re doing.  Lack of communication, lack of awareness, lack of sensitivity ~ those things can cause so much damage.

But then who knows?  Maybe this is just part of their path ~ probably not a path that continues together, but we learn and grow and move on.

It makes me grateful though that {other than my brief second marriage} i have been with Dominants who were experienced, careful, and caring.  

Which makes me think of the comment Buford left on my post about the “Submissive Controversy.”  i thought it was powerful and cut through the controversy to the heart of the matter, and since he just left it yesterday, and you may have missed it, i’ll quote it here:

I never saw this as a cut and dried/black and white issue – it is about cooperation and the titles we give are just handles to refer to roles in a play – submissive – Dominant – or my personal preference Master and Slave. Submissives are not the only people to go into headspace during play – good Dominants do too – its what makes what we do real for both of us – or at least real enough that we both get our needs met. Submissives are simply people who get their joy in one way while Dominants get theirs in another way – and the wonder of it all is that we found each other in such a perfect fit. One without the other is nothing; yet, together, we can do everything. At our best together, we create events of such great beauty that years after that event, one looks at the other and says….”remember the time we …..”

What separates good Dominants from true sadists is that Dominants do not go the serial torture killer route gouging out eyes, severing limbs and killing people – Dominants among us are just thrilled to be able to take the one we love to the edge – and then bring him/her back not just safely but with considerably more happiness and pleasure than we started the project with. Another good title for a loving dominant would be “care giver” – its just more cumbersome to use and is not in line with the evil people we like to envision ourselves to be.

KBC is Coming

That’s right ~ the Kinky Bloggers’ Convention is almost here.  Time to lock in those travel arrangements.  You can register for the convention here.

Here’s the plan.  Ideally, you ~ and perhaps your significant other ~ will get here Friday evening some time, check into the hotel, and join us at a lovely restaurant for the munch.  Clothing for the munch is street attire.  We have a private room in a  family restaurant.  So you can dress up or down as much as you like, but what we call “the granny rule” applies ~ don’t wear anything that you wouldn’t want your grandmother to see you in.

i’m planning to ask for a special table for bloggers at the Friday munch, so we can begin to get to know each other and feel comfortable in real life (IRL)    After the munch, we’ll also have a Meet-n-Greet of our own, so that people who arrive too late for the munch can join us, and so we can continue getting comfortable together.

i don’t think there are going to be hundreds of us, so by Friday evening, we’ll be cozy chatting like we do in the comments section.  But if we have folks coming in Saturday morning, then we might arrange for a coffee get together in the morning to give them a chance to feel welcome.

Do you sense a theme here?  The whole point of this is for us to connect and build community, starting with just being comfortable with each other.   That creates a safe environment for new experiences.

Then on Saturday we’ll have classes.  Because Bluegrass Leather Pride is the main event, and we are a track within that event, you’ll have the option of going to the main classes or to the blogger-specific classes.  The blogger classes will be open to other folks too.

i’m looking at two classes ~ did i already tell you this?  One of them will be about blogging as an art, or at least a craft.  The other will be about Blogging as a Tool for Healing.   But there will be four time slots for classes, and a wide variety of options, as you can see on the event website.

Then there’s the Saturday munch and Leather contests ~ which should probably be a blog post all by itself ~ and then a play party ~ woohoo!!

 Yes.  Really.  A play party, in a dungeon.  {Ok, not really a dungeon, but that’s what we call it.}

And you can go if you want to, and you’ll be with people you know, and you can play if you want to, or just watch, or you don’t have to go.  Your call.  No pressure.

On Sunday, there’s a final brunch, where we’ll bid each other tearful farewells amid promises to do it all again next year.

Time is flying by.  Over the next month, i’ll go to Very-Far-Away to see my daughter and the most adorable grand baby on the face of the earth.  When i come back, it will just about be time for KBC ~ Kinky Bloggers Convention.  So i need to work fast now.

Talk to me ~ if you have questions, ask them.  Let me know if you’re coming.   Let me know if there are things you want to do.   Mention it on your blog, in case people who read you but not me are interested in coming.

Odds and Ends

i was on a short tether last night ~ no, i don’t know why, i wasn’t in trouble or anything.  When i commented on  it, He just laughed and pointed out that i don’t move much in my sleep anyway, so He was sure it wouldn’t be a problem.

Since He had just spanked me soundly and allowed me to please Him ~ and myself ~ in a variety of ways ~ i was in no frame of mind to argue, so i just said, “Yes, Sir.”  Then i rolled over, so my back was the opposite way from the usual, just to show Him i could.

Also different last night, instead of putting the rope directly on my ankle, He put the leather cuff on my right leg, and tied the rope to the ring in the cuff.  This morning, i had been at the computer for a while and got up to get more coffee.

i carry the tether with me into the kitchen, the cats trailing behind me as usual, pouncing on the rope.  i set the tether down, pour coffee, and move toward the refrigerator for milk, when i realize something feels wrong.  i look down and ~ yes ~ the rope is no longer tied to the cuff.

No, i don’t take that opportunity to make a break for it.  i carry the tether back to the study with me, and am just as decorous as if i were still tethered.  But.  When Sir gets up~~

~~  i quickly tell Him what’s happened.  

He looks stern.  “Untethered?”  He says.  “Planning to run away?”

“No, no, never!” i say.  “i think it was the cats.  They did it.”

He says, “I’m shocked!  I can’t believe you’re trying to blame it on the poor innocent cats.  I bet you did it on purpose,” He says, “planning to escape.”

“No!” i say, giggling madly, “No, never.”

He shrugs, “Well.  You’ll pay later.  With your ass.”   

Hmpf.  i had a feeling it would end that way.  Noooooo, i did NOT do it on purpose.

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i haven’t quite finished the tasks on the list for Inspiring Blogger Awards – and now Jz has nominated me too, so i figure i better get on it.    Y’all know the rules, right?  In case you forgot:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.

   2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
   
   3. State 7 things about yourself.
   
   4. Nominate 15 other bloggers and link to them.
   
   5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and requirements.

So here we go.  i probably won’t go notify you, but i might.  Stranger things have happened.  But probably i’ll just hope you get the ping-back notice or whatever you call it.

andi  ~ who just restarted her blog at this link, and who just got the Fabulous Gutter Blogger award.  i love to read her and follow the ups and downs of her life, even when i wish there weren’t any “downs” for her.  She is smart and brave and strong, and i admire her.

pouredout    – she is Florida Dom’s submissive, and i’m just beginning to follow her.  i love that i can read her blog and his blog and follow their paths.  Very cool.

perfectlypoly ~ new to the blog world, but ready to go, she’s going to be lots of fun.

Word Wytch  – who tells fabulous stories that go on for a long time and don’t just disappear when they’re getting good {like mine do.}  Really, she tells different kinds of stories and each one has a unique flavor.

night owl – who’s also fairly new, and tends to do the kind of posts i love, where she’s just had some fabulous insight or recognition of a new approach to take.  Or sometimes she finds her way as she’s writing.  Raw sometimes, her posts have soul.

joolz who just got the award from tori, but she was already on my list.  i’ve just started following her and am getting to know her stories.  

Jake – who also just got one, but deserves another for his commitment to sharing his journey, leading joy down the D/s path.   He is always interesting and an excellent read with a different perspective.

Conina – who i just love to read.  Very erotic adventures she has with her husband, which she shares in sensual detail, with just enough self-examination and insight thrown into the mix.

Fiona – who’s wild about Sir Q, and he about her, and it resonates through the blog and the spankings and so on.  Fiona is a blast.  i think i recently gave her another award.  Oops.

Kitty the Submissive Wife – who is interesting and exciting.  Again, there is deep love between her and her husband, and they are working hard at defining what their D/s relationship will be.  Bright and funny, i thoroughly enjoy her.

Kitty for Mr. Woods – another blogger who’s new to me, but lots of fun.  Worth visiting for the shoe pictures if nothing else.  🙂

And that’s it for today, folks.   i know that’s only 11, but sometime this afternoon or tomorrow, i will probably think, SH*T, Gosh darn it – i left out – {fill in the blank} and now i have room for them.  i tried not to give it to the exact same people as last time, or to people who already got one.  If  i did – oops.  Sorry.  

The Dom Paradox, RFP’s and Possibly More

Monkey did  a post recently that ended with this:

One minute I was thinking how complex my feelings toward submission are, and the next my subconscious made a statement that startled the hell out of me.

“You think you’re conflicted”, said my brain, “Doms, by nature, have a massive contradiction already built in”.

Think about it, the drive to control, to challenge us, both mentally and physically, paired with that protective, nurturing instinct. “I need to push you to your limits and beyond, as much as I need to comfort you and brush away your tears “. How  much more conflicting even for the sadists? They hurt us and then comfort us because we are hurt. What an enigma.

How difficult must that be at times, to live with?

I’ve found myself pondering this post, and going back to reread it.  The last time i read it, a series of memories flashed through my mind.  

In high school, i had a girl friend who used to babysit. She once confessed that when she was watching an infant, after they fell asleep, she would sometimes wake them up, thereby making them cry, and then rock and console them back to sleep.  It kind of gave me chills when she told me, i must have been 14 or so, and i felt like i should tell someone, but didn’t know who to tell.

i thought about it for a long time, trying to understand it.

Then i remembered when i was dating my very first Dom, “Mike Moore”, i hurt my knee while we were out. i could barely walk, and he insisted on carrying my to the car and then into the house. i protested – he insisted – i apologized – and he grinned and said, “You know, I hate to say this, but there’s something kind of hot about you not being able to walk. I know, that’s sick isn’t it? But it makes you kinda vulnerable, and I like that.”

There was T, and my realization that he preferred him women a bit more emotionally fucked up then i was at the time.  i know, that sounds crazy, but he really did.  He needed me needier.

And my ex ~ not the first one, the second one, who was maybe a Dom.  He was at his best when i was at my worst.  If i was sick or upset, he was strong and sensitive and kind.  But he needed me to be weak for him to be strong, and you already know i wouldn’t pretend to be weak all the time or to be weak in ways that i wasn’t.

Actually, he took such good care of me when i was sick that i used to think maybe i should become a hypochondriac and just lay up on the couch all the time.  Ok, i just considered it for a minute, but it was kind of tempting.

And then i thought about MoR ~ for some reason that “too competent for your own good” has been floating through my head lately anyhow.  Whatever he meant by it at the time, it’s come to mean a lot of things for me.

Even JM the amazing analyst says that women who have a relationship with their father that keeps them safe and sheltered don’t develop the same kind of competence as those of us who were not so secure in that relationship.  It is, on some level, to some extent, a trade-off.  

And the message i got in some of those relationships was that less competent was better.  Youall know i don’t believe that the lesson from that is “Be less competent,” and i don’t believe that MoR meant that, and i know my Sir doesn’t want that.   i have just needed someone who didn’t need me to be smaller in order for them to feel bigger, and that not my point either.

But ~ here we go ~ here’s the point ~ the fact that i’m competent in no way means that i’m not also very vulnerable.  Doms are able to tap into that vulnerability, bring it to the surface, and make it safe to feel it, to be aware of it.

That is a delicate operation.  i appreciate the beauty of it so much.

Ok, so i’m not speaking for all Doms or all submissives by any means, and it probably doesn’t apply to every D/s couple.   But it gave me one of those nice aha moments, when something clicks into place for me and makes sense.

He leads me to take the risk of vulnerability, makes me fully aware of it ~ which is distressing, scary, and difficult ~ and then He makes it ok that i’ve done so.  How cool is that??

Thoughts?

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An RFP ~ Request for Proposals:

At the Kinky Bloggers track of the Bluegrass Leather Event on the first weekend in March, there will be a day of classes ~ four time slots.  Two classes will be specifically with us bloggers in mind, although bloggers would not be obliged to attend them, and other folks would be welcome to come.

One of them will be the kind of discussion we have here in the comments section, possibly about Blogging as a Healing Tool, and will relate to some of the aspects of trauma and healing that i often talk about.  There will also be a kink-aware therapist helping facilitate that discussion.

The other class will be on blogging ~ a wide range of  things to cover.  It might include:

ways to grow your readership, developing a style, content, and maybe a bit about both beginnings and ends – how to get started, how to know when you’re done.  

And/or…

Pros and Cons of blogging: confidentiality issues, the toll on your relationship (or benefit to your relationship) — the sisterhood… 

and WHAT?  What would you like to see included in that?  

i know, i said The Dom Paradox, RFP’s and Possibly More – but there’s no time for more, and i like the title too much to change it.  

Kinky Bloggers

i was feeling a bit blah this morning – no, i’m not depressed, i’m talking my Vitamin D and everything’s fine.  But the weather is cold and gray and i wanted more sleep and my life is not yet perfectly to my specifications, so i was just a bit blah.  And that’s ok.

i started feeling better thinking about the marvelous discussion youall had yesterday in the comments – and jade’s blog, and tori’s blog too.  i’m still in the midst of responding to comments from my post on spirituality, and i was thinking about how insightful and empathic youall often are.

You know, that’s where my longing for a Kinky Bloggers’ convention started.  i had this mental image of a group of us, sitting around a table, drinking coffee or tea ~ or wine ~ and talking.  Just like a discussion in comments, pretty much, only we wouldn’t have to type.  

Then, in my fantasy, there were some classes on stuff.  Really, i imagined something like the Taster’s Choice event we had here recently – a wide variety of short classes on different kinds of play.  Ms. Constance describes it here.  The classes were short, and included:

… Rope Bondage by Robyn, Boot Massage by Bootblack Bella, Therapeutic Massage by Kristin, Intro to Canes by Ms Constance – yours truly – Intro to Flogging by GypsyPony, Hot Safe Sex by Leather Queer, Intro to Electrical Play by Sir Russ, Intro to Knife Play by Sir Charles, Rough Body Play by Walter Sobchak, Intro to Needles by Ms Tammy, Intro to Littles Play by Johnnie and Maggie, and Massage for Doms by Shawna the Dead.

i wanted something like that ~ a variety ~ each one just long enough to give you some idea of what the play is about.  Or there could be longer classes on some things ~ rope, for example.

i imagined us having the opportunity to go to a play party ~ together, so it wouldn’t be a scary prospect, and folks who had been to parties before would be a support for people who hadn’t.  Honestly, in my best fantasy, there were 2 play parties.

We’d have a meet-and-greet for the bloggers on Friday evening, so we could bond a little bit before the party, they go to the first one on Friday night – if you wanted to.  Then Saturday morning, we’d be drinking  coffee and processing the night before ~ and blogging, of course.  

Then we’d go to classes on Saturday, and one of them would be a discussion about trauma and how it affects your D/s experience ~ if you’ve experienced trauma before or not, and how that factors into your dynamic, and so on.  But we’d do other classes too, and we’d be sure to have a chance to get together before the Saturday evening play party and process the day a little bit, check in to make sure everyone’s doing ok.  

Then there’d be dinner and another party and if people didn’t leave early the next day, maybe a brunch with a chance for more processing and talking and laughing and saying good-bye.

Yeah.  That’s the full fantasy.  

So Ms. Constance is starting to plan the event at which some of this can happen.  Currently, there are five people trying to figure out a way to come, according to my survey.  It would be helpful to know if that’s still accurate, if there are other people definitely in or definitely out, and so on.

So talk to me ~ where are we with this idea?

It’s Cookie Time… in the City

“Ding-a-ling, hear them sing, soon it will beeeeeee Coookie Day!”

Ok, sorry, enough of that, and if you could hear me singing, you’d beg me to stop!  But i do want to remind you of the Third Annual Great Cookie Exchange!!  

These were my cookies from last year…

Jz, at A Reluctant Bitch hosts it. She says:

The rules are simple. Just post a recipe for a holiday goodie on Thursday, December 6, 2012.
(We don’t limit our holiday eating to just cookies…)

Anyone is welcome to join in.

The Only Condition:
If you want your blog to show up in the official list of participant links, you MUST contact Jz by Tuesday, Dec. 4th, with both your name and the URL of your blog.

Thank you, Jz, for doing this!!  You know i’m excited about it.

And speaking of parties and get-togethers, i’ve added a poll to my Kinky Bloggers Convention page.  Go visit the page, take the poll.  You can even share your ideas of what an Erotic Writer Convention could look like.

And that’s all folks…  Yes, i’m running late this morning, 9 minutes til i have to get dressed for my volunteer gig.   And i need more coffee.  Have a lovely Saturday!

Between the Dashes ~ Kinky. Bloggers. Convention.

Yes, i know, i’ve been babbling about it for ages.  Every chance i get, at the slightest mention of our community of bloggers, i hit that note again.

“See ~ don’t you see how incredibly cool it would be if we could get together in real life?” i say.  Over and over.

And some of you say, “Yes!  i’m there!”  

But now.  Ahhhh.  Now, we have the opportunity to make it happen.  Really.  Right here in Where-i-Live.

You know, Ms. Constance, who blogs here, is the woman to make it happen.  Or the Domme.  Dom.  Whatever, she’s the one.  She already does an event here.

Yes.  Bluegrass Leather Pride.  She’s planning classes and such, i would imagine a play party, and she wants to include:  

an “Online Presence” track that addresses things like Kinky Blogging, and Writing Effective Erotica.

She says that here, in her comments section.  Granted, she also says we need to talk, she and i, and we haven’t done that yet, but that’s because we are both crazy busy.  i’m confident that we can make this happen.

So mark your calendars.  First weekend in March.  That’s actually the 1st and 2nd of March, 2013.

Can’t wait to see you here.

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Naomi will be back, either later today or in the morning.  

Also, foxy nominated me for the Liebster award, which is wonderful, and i’m very honored.  i’ll be sharing 11 things about myself, and nominating 11 other blogs for the award {and i’m not going to nominate the same people i always nominate either.}

But – foxy – aren’t you supposed to ask me 11 things?  That would be much more fun… just saying.

Finally, Jz is going to be doing her virtual cookie exchange again this year ~ yay!!  Good times ahead.

And mark your calendar, right?  First weekend in March.  We’ll talk details later.