Day 6 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

Let me start today by thanking Masterswildfilly for posting these questions everyday.  Thanks!! You can find them, and more discussion here on fetlife:  Or visit Ali’s blog to meet her and Master D.

Now for today’s questions:

What do you feel are the roots of your submission?

i don’t know!

Yes, i’ve wondered.  Speculated.

It’s not abuse related.  i’ve experienced abuse, but i was already submissive before that happened ~ at least already sexually turned on by spankings.

It predates me reading Story of O, so that wasn’t it.  i just don’t know.

Do you think it has something to do with childhood?

i don’t know!

i can speculate, again.  Maybe.  For sure, i had father issues, two fairly perfectionistic parents, the whole getting approval thing is huge for me.

But.

i bet not everyone who has perfectionistic parents who expect super high achievement is submissive.  Or that all submissives had “perfectionistic parents who expect super high achievement.”  In fact, i bet some people with those kinds of parents are Dominant.

Wish there was some research out there around this kind of question…

Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline?

A relationship management tool.  i have to think about what i think that means.

{i actually googled “relationship management tools” ~ and there is such a thing ~ but it’s all about customers, so that’s not so helpful.)

Like in “domestic discipline.”   Ok, in domestic discipline, the relationship is defined, at least in part, by the D/s aspect, right?  That’s the structure.  So when there’s a decision to be made, when things aren’t going well, when they need to change course in some way, then that’s the structure.

The relationship is managed by the concept of D/s, or domestic discipline.

Is that what the question means?  Or ~ here’s another thought ~

~ in some relationships, it seems like, the moods of the submissive are managed through D/s.  Or the D/s helps them manage it.

i don’t know… neither of those sound right for my relationship.  i think that i don’t know yet how it works in my relationship. Although ~

~ if i go back and remember what i learned at COPE last year from Raven, then i’m on the path of Service and Mastery.  And so ~

           ~ that means there’s a lot of work i need to do to figure out what this all means in my relationship.  Good grief.  i think i had kind of forgotten all that.  

And yet, not forgotten.  i’ve been moving toward where-i-need-to-be all year long, on a lot of different levels.  

Well.  A lot to think about here.  Just moved back, in my head, to the reality that i still need more structure and some self-discipline to be successful and… i guess i need to talk to Sir.

i was just looking at Raven’s description of workshops, and was struck by this one {from right here}:

Building the Team: Non-Adversarial M/s

Presented by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny

It seems like so many written models of M/s feature the angry master continually punishing the disobedient slave, while the flow of information is deliberately choked off. This workshop is for people who aren’t interested in a power dynamic that’s one long series of takedowns, but becomes a smoothly-running system where both parties work together to achieve goals … and the s-types are encouraged to be honorable adults responsible for keeping their promises. We’ll concentrate on seeing the power dynamic as a Team rather than as adversaries, and discuss methods of useful conflict resolution that reinforce the power dynamic rather than putting it aside.

i think that’s what Sir and i have, or are working on.

And when Raven talks about different models of relationship ~ i want to go through these with Sir and get his thoughts.  So much to think about…

Last part of the questions:

Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

Both.  Definitely both.  It is a sexual thrill, for sure, and much more.  

Day 5 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission ~ and COPE…

Here are the questions for Day 5.

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you?

Yes, i’m in one now.

Have you been in more than one D/s relationship?

Um, yes.  {See blog archives}

How were they the same? How were they different?

O, good grief.  Hmmmm.  

Well, you know, different in like a zillion ways.   Mainly because they’re different, each man i’ve been involved with.

And you know it makes me uncomfortable and defensive to talk about it because i STILL feel like i should have been with fewer men, and there’s no need to compare and contrast my Sir to anyone else.  So we’ll just skip on to the next question.

What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

Um, unique about my current relationship or my relationships in general?  In general, they’re unique because i’m in them!  

{Hahahaha.}

My current relationship is unique because my Sir is in it.

So yeah, as you can see, i’m not deep into these particular questions.  Looking ahead a day, Day 6 is much more interesting to me.  If you want to play with these, feel free to.

In other news of the wild and kinky, let’s talk about COPE!

The theme this year is Steampunk, and you know i was all “o, i don’t know anything about that, i don’t do that.”  But after some on-line research, i think Sir and i can come up with something that is at least slightly in that ballpark.  So that’ll be fun.

They were looking for volunteers for the pedicure workshop, and i thought that might be interesting.  But when i looked into it, they wanted Tops to get the pedicures and bottoms to learn to give them.   So ~

~ unless my Sir specifically wants me to learn pedicure skills {i don’t think He does}, then i’m not volunteering for that.  i prefer being on the receiving end of that particular experience.

But there are lots of rope classes offered.   Lots.  Jay Wiseman, who i saw at Kinky Kollege, and David Lawrence, who does Shibari, are both going to be there ~ how cool is that???

And Dawn and Dan are doing the Scarlet Sanctuary Friday night, a real highlight of the weekend.  In fact, i might go if that were the only thing offered.

{Happy sigh…}  

Not this weekend, not next weekend, but the NEXT weekend, we’re off for the next great adventure.

Day 4 Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time?

That’s a good question.  {laughing…} Well, they’re all good questions, but this one makes me pause.  

If i go to the dictionary, i find that Dominant is an adjective {unless you mean music, genetics, or ecology.}

The on-line dictionary says:  

1.  ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence:

Yes, for sure there are times that i’m dominant ~ often at work as a manager, and as a therapist, in some ways too.  It also says:

2.  occupying or being in a commanding or elevated position.

And again, i say ~ yes, of course i’ve been there.  

If you took a poll among my vanilla friends and asked them if i was dominant or submissive in my romantic relationships, they might not guess dominant, but they’d be sure i’m not submissive.

i’m too old to act like i don’t know the things i know.  In some realms, i exert some authority and influence.  i just do.  Coming to terms with that has been a task for me, but it’s not out of character or something i’m forced to be.  It’s part of who i am.

i could also argue that i tend toward being a “servant leader,” which might speak to the submissive aspect, but i don’t know if that’s true.  Servant leadership is also just a good model ~ if you google it, there’s lots of information.  This is from the Servant Leader Manifesto:

We seek not to lead, but to serve first and find that, in serving, our greatest influence is leading. We seek not to use others for our own gain, but for their benefit and the benefit of their communities.

Here’s a quote i like, from a page of servant leader quotes:

there is great joy in leading with authority, which is serving others by meeting their legitimate needs.— James C. Hunter, The Servant

Or this one:

A leader – whether in the home, church, business, community, or government – has authority due to her role, but her positional power will not bring about good for individuals or organizations unless it is backed up by the capital of character. — Dan B. Allender, Leading with a Limp

i don’t think that makes me a switch, but it’s not the model of submissiveness that is always submissive.

If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over?

i’m not in a domestic discipline relationship, but yes.  i can’t imagine giving up control over everything.  The ability to be financially independent has saved my ass more than once, i just wouldn’t put all of my finances in anyone else’s hands.  

Sir and i each have our own bank accounts and a shared one for paying bills. That works for us.

In the same way, decisions about relationships with my adult children and my career are in my hands.  i consult with him, listen to him, respect his opinion, but i don’t think he has ANY desire to make those types of decisions for me.  

Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms?

O, hell, no.  In BDSM terms, i am definitely not a switch.  Nope.  No how, no way.

If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

Because in a sexual relationship, i am submissive to my Sir.  i just am.  Being dominant wouldn’t turn me on.   And it’s not like ~ you’ll hear people talk about their submission like it’s because they need a break from being dominant in their vanilla lives.  That’s not exactly what it is for me.

It’s ~

     it’s ~ 

i don’t know.

It’s an aspect of my personality.  If we take away the labels, it’s just part of who i am.  i don’t want to be a switch in my relationship with Sir any more than i want to pretend that i’m not a leader in other venues.

Between us, in our relationship, it is not that i don’t have power.  i have power ~ which i hand to Him.

AND ~ i guess i should say this too ~ Sir looks to me for my opinion.  He respects my insight and knowledge.  He is not intimidated or put off by me.  He may not always agree with me, and may not go along with my suggestions, but He respects and considers my input in His life decisions.

That’s a real gift, isn’t it?

i should probably go kiss Him right now.

My Nominations for the Top 100 Sex Blogs

{i started this post weeks ago, just now finishing…}

Thanks for reminding me, Monkey, it’s that time of year again – nominations are open for the top 100 Sex Bloggers List of 2012!

i don’t like this.  Trying to narrow it down to my “very favorites” is a terrible task.  You may remember, i couldn’t even keep it to my top 7 or top 10 or whatever it was for the Lovely Blog award..

Little Monkey said it was limited to three nominations this year, but when i went to the website, it didn’t say  a number.  That makes it even more difficult.  Sheesh.

When i look at the nominations, i’m always overwhelmed by how many blogs there are that i’ve never even heard of.  i feel like a tiny drop in the ocean of sex blogs.

How many of us sex bloggers do youall think there are?  And how many readers?  Good grief, maybe everyone’s kinky and just hiding it really well?

Anyhow. Here we go.

i nominate ‘Nilla, at Vanilla Mom, because she still tells a story better than anyone i know, and her personal journey is just as fascinating as her fiction.  Besides, she’s my heartsister, and i love her.

i nominate Sin, at finding my submission, because she’s fascinating and honest and funny and i love following the ups and downs of her relationship with Big Bad, and i like her vanilla posts just as much as her kink ones, and i love her.

i nominate Mouse at The Power Exchange because it’s a great love story, and i really appreciate how she shares her experiences with us.  Watching her and Omega grow and develop through their relationship is a privilege.   She is wise in so many ways, and i love her.

i nominate Mick and Molly at Under Contract to my Wife because they have more actual sex than any other sex blog i know of, all described in Mick’s wonderful voice.  More light-hearted than many blogs, he trades introspection for fun and frivolity, but the love between him and his Mistress shines through.   And I’m wild about them both.

i nominate Jz at A Reluctant Bitch because she’s so funny and insightful and she grows in sudden bursts that are so amazing.   i would say that i love her too, but since she’s my no-hugs, shoulder-bumps-only buddy, i guess i’d better just say something cool and British like “she’s a good egg.”

i nominate faerie at faerie learns to fly because she gives us such a deep look at who she is, and inspires me with her courage and perseverance.  i think she’s awesome, and i never know if i’m going to laugh or cry when i read her, which i love.

i nominate Sfp at Jumping on In because she’s funny and has a delightful writing style and she struggles with real life and submission in about equal measure.  I love her insight, and am her perspective, and am so glad she’s my friend!

Other people who i love dearly ~ well you already know there’s a bunch of them because i couldn’t stop at 7 for the lovely blogger award and there are lots of other people i never miss reading, like Ms. Constance and Green Girl and Lil, and recently Wordwytch, and andi, except i think her blog’s still private, and Jake and Dauntless Vitality and a Kind Dom, and Little Monkey, and Brooke from Puppy Tales (who’s gone private) and soooo many others…  {Little Monkey, you told us not to nominate you, or i would have, so if you were being modest and self-deprecating, don’t do it again.}

And then it makes me think about the people who aren’t blogging anymore – Sweetkk, and Hidden Slave, Discerning Dom ~ i still can’t believe he’s gone!  And i get all nostalgic.

And then i think again about all the people blogging right now whose blog i’ve only read a couple of times, or who i’ve never even heard of ~ good grief ~ i get all overwhelmed, and i have to go do some deep breathing and guided imagery to relax!  (Um, not really… i just thought it sounded nicely dramatic.}

Anyhow.  Whew.  That’s done for another year.  Nominations end the 31st of August, so if you wanted to make some and haven’t, now’s the time.

 

Submission Question ~ Day 3

How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive?

i don’t know how other people know, or if there’s some sure way to know.  For me ~ well, i’ve told the story before about reading Story of O when i was young ~ maybe 13 or 14 ~ and being so incredibly turned on i just about couldn’t stand it.

i read that book dog-eared.

i was also appalled by it, and had no idea there was a way to act on those fantasies and still be safe.  So i had this internal conflict about it for many years, and threw away more than one dog-eared copy of that ~ and other books ~ swearing to put that stuff behind me.

But my orgasms have always been connected with BDSM.  Fantasy or real, i don’t think that i’ve had more than a handful of orgasms in my life that didn’t involve BDSM.

i’m not sure that by itself would mean i was submissive.  It might mean i’m masochistic, for example.  Or would like to be a bottom in scenes.

The element that i think makes me know i’m submissive is this tremendous desire to give myself to the person i love, to be in their control, to have them exert power over me.

That was there ~ the desire, the urge to feel that ~ even in my vanilla relationships.  It is not something that vanilla men understand, and expressing it to them is not always a good idea.  Yeah, actually, in my experience, it is never a good idea.

At the same time, i feel a deep desire to please my Beloved.  Learning to balance that with real life in a vanilla relationship  with a man who was never pleased for more than a minute, was a challenge.

When i discovered the kink world, and realized i could possibly express my submissive nature safely, i felt like a kid in a candy shop ~

           ~~ a duck who’d found water

                                ~~ an orphan who’d come home.

How do you feel when you express your submission?

Gosh, i think most of this blog has been an answer to that question.  i don’t know if i can do it justice in a short answer.  

When i submit to my Sir, i feel ~

 ~ open and loving, full of trust ~ 

      ~ deeply connected with Him, and with myself ~

               ~ a sense of belonging ~ belonging to Him and with Him ~ 

and it just feels right.

Submission Question – Day 2

Describe who you might submit to and how.

At this point in my life, i wouldn’t submit to anyone except my Sir.  Typically, i would submit to someone i was involved with.

Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom?

i am not officially submissive anywhere except in the bedroom.  However, because i want to please my Sir very much, i often “submit” in the sense of doing what He wants, doing or not doing things in a way that pleases him, outside of the bedroom.  

We do not have the kind of relationship in which He is the final word on life decisions.   We do not believe he is the “Head of the Household” by virtue of being male.  

We believe that we are both capable people who have functioned independently fairly effectively.  We believe we have equal power.   i chose to relinquish my power to Him, and trust Him to take it at times and in ways that are appropriate. 

We are still fairly new in the relationship, i don’t know where this will take us, but i don’t ever imagine Him telling me to do things that would in any way be harmful for me.

Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life?

My submission isn’t a role, and it’s not just in the context of “a scene.”    But i’m not sure i can explain exactly how it works.  Hmmmm.  i’ll have to think about that.

Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

Only in the context of a relationship, at this time.  In the past, i have had play partners that i chose to submit to in a scene, but only a few times, and there was always some relationship context around it.

****************************

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the day i officially settle back into a groove, get caught up on life, read and comment on the zillion blog posts i’ve missed, and so on.   

Today, we have Sir’s family coming over.  Take-out Chinese is the order of the day, but there’s some cleaning that needs to happen first.

i feel so out of touch with all of you. 

See ya soon.

 

Last night, Sir was spanking me, and i was giggling ~ it just felt so good, and He was actually spanking me over my clothes, so it just stung a little.  Afterwards,

He says,”Giggling again while I spank you?  I guess we’ll have to make sure that doesn’t happen later on when I whip your ass!”

Me: “Yes, Sir, i mean, No, Sir, that’s right, it won’t, i’m sure it won’t,” but i’m giggling already.

Sir:  I guess I’ll have to use my most painful whip.

Me:  OH, but i was hoping you’d use a nice gentle one.  

{Pause while He shakes Head “no,” solemnly, as if contemplating the foolishness of hopeful submissives.}

Me:  So, um, which whip is your worst one?

Sir:  (shrug} I don’t know, I thought I’d make you pick.  You know how that works, right?  It’s like when Grandma used to make us pick our own switch.  If you don’t pick one bad enough, then she gets to pick, and you don’t want that to  happen.

My mind immediately spins off into 5 fantasies about having to pick your own whip, or switch, or crop and bring it to the Master.  Mmmmmm.  Much more delightful in fantasy, i bet.

********************************

So today, i woke up late, was late for my volunteer gig ~ i would have skipped, but had promised someone i’d be there ~ so i went flying out of the house with only half a cup of coffee in me.

Stopped for coffee on the way home, bought a bag cause we’re almost out ~ and then took my cup of coffee and left the bag there.  Sigh.  Yes, they’re holding it for me.

Just realized that i haven’t done my nominations yet for Top 100 Sex Blogs.   Or responded to comments, or caught up on reading blogs, or a hundred other vanilla things on my list.

Running behind, running behind ….

However ~

Masterswildfilly is posting questions on fetlife about submission ~ one every day for the next 30 days ~ and i thought i’d play.  Here’s today’s question:

Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label?

Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination?

If you do not use a label, why?

Sir and i are definitely Dominant/submissive, maybe moving into Master/slave, i think.  But sometimes, He calls me “my pet,” which is funny and kind of cool, even though i don’t know what that means to HIm.

Which is not to imply that D/s is something you move from to become M/s necessarily.  i know that i am submissive, i know that He is dominant over me.

i think ~

                           ~ think ~

that i might be a slave.

But it feels like that is a latent part of me ~ if that makes any sense at all?  Like the slave in me is half-way lying dormant, waiting to be awakened?  

Does that sound right?  

Like frigging Sleeping Beauty?  {The sleeping one, not the Anne Rice series.)

No, not exactly, i don’t know how to explain it.  But i do feel like there’s this untapped reservoir of service and belonging to that is bubbling quietly just under the surface of where i am.  i think if we tap into that, Sir and i, that we will be in the deepest of waters.

So i’m in no hurry.  i can be patient and let things develop as they will…

 

In the Night…

In the night

He touches me

in ways that make me whimper 

immediately.

His hands stroke my hair

and my arm 

in a way that is so

proprietary

it makes me moan

with pleasure and wish

that He would take me now.

But He strokes me and whispers

“Go to sleep, my pet.”

Sigh…

Home for going on 48 hours, and i’m already behind on everything, no exciting kink to report, not even any kinky thoughts to share.

Sir has done a lot of work and re-work on the tether, but it’s not ready, He says He’s going to re-do it again.

Theme night at COPE is steampunk.  Not my thing.

However, i’m going to our state fair today.  Good times ahead!

Someday, i’ll have time to answer comments {thank youall for being glad i’m back.  i’m glad i wasn’t forgotten!}

And someday i’ll have kinky stuff to talk about again.

i know i will.

Gifts for Sir

Got home late last night, and am just happy, happy, happy to be here.  There are lots of things i’m appreciating this morning, but of course the best thing about home is Sir.

 It was wonderful to see Him as i came off the plane last night, and so nice to be able to sleep curled up with Him.  Fixing His coffee this morning, and hanging out side by side on our computers is such a treat.

Ahhhh.

Of course, i brought Him a some souvenirs from street vendors on my trip, and thought you might enjoy seeing a couple of them.   

Yep, a wooden spoon.

i know ~ am i nuts?  But it’s cool because it’s so small – see:

It’s only five or six inches long, and the bowl of it is only about an inch in diameter.   i thought it would be fun for spanking delicate areas, although honestly, i’m not sure Sir’s mind was even going there last night.  

And i’m sure He wasn’t thinking about kinky uses for this one:

Although ~ his first reaction was ~ “O, it’s a whip!”  

But it’s made of woven strands of something kind of like – palms, I guess.   It might sting a bit, but not much.  The internet suggests they can be made from rushes or from bamboo, or even with ribbon.

So, Sir  picks it up, realizes it isn’t a whip:

and  says, “O, it’s chinese handcuffs!”  

Exactly.

Are you familiar with them?  i wasn’t.  The street vendor thoroughly enjoyed showing me.

If you put your finger in the opening at the end of it, then pull back a little, like you’re going to take your finger out, then it closes tighter so your finger is trapped.

You can use them to keep your children close ~ Sir started talking about how handy they’d be {pun intended} for parents to use with children at the State Fair.

i don’t think He thought about the kinky potential for them.  But i pictured people at play parties and in dungeons leading their slave around with one.   Actually, you could lead a whole posse of slaves with them…

Can’t you picture it?  

There’s a metaphorical meaning to them too, of course.  The harder you try to pull your finger out, the more tightly trapped you are.  It is only when you relax and stop trying to escape, when you push back against the trap as if to put your finger deeper into it,  that it releases you.

Isn’t that the way life works often?