Yesterday, i told my “you gotta get back on the horse” story. For sure, that was a lesson i learned well, not just that day, but all through my growing up. My mother didn’t accept “i can’t.” She just didn’t. “If there’s a will, there’s a way,” could have been her motto.
And that was a good thing. That’s part of how i developed the competence that MoR says i have too much of for my own good. Part of what made me a survivor.
In a very sweet email the other day, MoR said, among other things, that i, “never say can’t,” and “never say die,” – he says i “keep chugging along.” And of course he’s right. Yes. i do.
Probably we all do, we subs…
You know, Where-i-Work is a little bit crazy sometimes. {Yes, that might be an understatement. And i don’t mean our clients.} Sometimes, it seems like we’re playing a huge game of twister. One minute, we’ve gotten everything more or less under control – and then they spin the wheel again.
“Right foot on red,” they say.
And we’re all struggling to move our right foot. Um, feet. Whatever.
You may notice there aren’t any red spaces in the picture to put your right foot on. When that happens, i send someone out for red paint, and we figure out which ones to paint red. i feel a little like Alice in Wonderland, never sure if there were already supposed to be red spaces or if everyone else is rushing out to buy paint too.
And i’m good at it, directing and suggesting and coming up with plans on how to do it, how to make things work. Frigging competent.
A few years ago, someone pointed out to me that maybe that’s not always helpful. That maybe i’m just enabling a broken system to limp on. That maybe the system needs to break down, maybe i need to say, “No, we can’t do that, won’t even try to make that work.”
It was a novel concept for me. My brain froze ~ i tried to process it.
Really?
It could be better to say we can’t make something work? Can’t find a way to deal with it, cope with it, manage it, make frigging lemonade with it?
That’s some kind of sacrilege!
It was years ago they said that, and i still stumble over the idea from time to time. The possiblity that “i think i can” isn’t always the best attitude in every circumstance.
That sometimes, “Hell, no, i’m not getting back on that horse!” is a better response.
i still won’t say “i can’t.” In my world, “i can’t” is reserved for “flying without an airplane,” or “spinning straw into gold.” Everything else that we’re not gonna do is “i won’t.”
And i’d rather say “i won’t” then “i can’t.” Can’t implies weakness, and a challenge for me ~ but of course i can!
“i won’t” is the other half of strength ~ a whole different experience.
JM, the amazing analyst, says that in the second half of life we learn the opposite side of the lessons we learned in the first half. So if i spent 50 years learning to be competent, now i need to learn to let go of being competent all the time, to seek help, to say, “i won’t.” If i were already good at saying “i can’t” and seeking help, then i would need to find my own competence.
So where am i going with this post? i have no idea. i just felt an urge to write it, so here it is.
i think i need to write some fantasies tomorrow, before my libido completely atrophies. Between Sin’s story she wrote for her Master, which was uber-hot, and yesthankyousir, who’s also been starting some fires at her place, i should be able to find some inspiration. Something to jump start my own heat.
Stay tuned…
aisha 
