Self-Care ~ Part I

SherynB taught this class, which was called “Beyond Aftercare:  Managing Your Own Emotional & Energetic Needs.  The class description read:

“This is NOT an “anti-aftercare” class. It’s a primer in psychological self-care and energetic self-defense for tops and bottoms. If you’ve ever been blind-sided by how strongly emotions/energy affect you or your partner, both physically & mentally, this class/discussion will help you recognize energy exchange for what it is, and give you a toolbox to care for yourself and secondarily (yes, secondarily) assist your play partners in doing the same. This interactive lecture & discussion is firmly based on the principle that we are each fundamentally responsible for understanding and providing for our own needs, before we are we able to functionally interact with others.”

She did a really nice job with it.  It was interactive, and she used stories to illustrate, mostly her own stories, which makes for a good presentation.  

But her main point, what i saw as her main point, is the idea that we are responsible for our own emotional well-being, no matter how submissive we are.

Cruising around the blogosphere as much as i do, i run across people who believe their Dom or Master is supposed to manage their (the sub/slave’s) emotions.  That the Dom somehow takes responsibility for making sure the sub feels what they want her to feel, or what she should feel.

When i was new to TTWD {and gosh, how strange to realize i’m really not “new” anymore} but when i was new, i guess i thought maybe that could be true.  Maybe the Master could take charge in such a way that he really was managing her feelings.

Of course it’s not true.  Ultimately, we are each responsible for our own feelings.

That’s kind of a relief for me.

Sure, it would be kind of nice, i suppose, to let someone else take over making me feel ok, but really?  Not possible.

It’s like Andi’s comment the other day about how at one time she thought maybe she wanted to be a housewife and just worry about keeping the house clean and not have to think about anything else.   No.  Not gonna work.

Back in the day when women tried to do that, we ended up on Valium, a highly addictive tranquilizer.  They used to call it “Mother’s little helper.”   But i digress…

We are people first.  

People are ultimately responsible for managing our own feelings.

And doesn’t it sound silly, that i even have to say that?  But i think there’s some belief that we can “give him” control of our feelings.

i think that’s impossible.  Disagree with me if you want to, in the comments, in your own blog.  i’m really open to looking at this. Hearing if you think it’s different.  

For you, anyhow.

For me, i really know that it’s up to me.

That’s not to say He doesn’t have power and influence ~ if i give Him control of my environment and my actions, then He does have the power to elicit  a variety of feelings from me.  

He knows what buttons to push to make me feel weak-at-the-knees submissive, right?  A simple hair tug ~ right at the nape of my neck ~ will pretty much take me there.

He knows what makes me wet, what makes me smile.  He knows how to get the endorphins racing through my system like life is just one giant orgasm waiting to happen.

And when it’s over and i’m crashing, He knows how to be there for me.  Cuddling, holding, warming me.

But.

Ultimately, at the end of the day, it’s still up to me to be responsible for my own day-to-day emotional stability and well-being.

SherynB tells a delightfully dramatic story about herself and some edge play.  She had a friend who she was relying on to see her through any unexpected negative emotional fall-out.

Only problem ~ the friend thought the scene was all over, thought she was ok, and left.

The scene was not quite over, and SherynB ended up having an emotional melt down, the very thing she’d feared.

She describes how she got through this, and her own recognition that at the end of the day “there is always that observer inside ourselves who can rescue us.”

i call that “wise mind.”

i’ve got more to say ~ no surprise there, right?  Share your thoughts and reactions if you want to.  i’ll be back tomorrow.  🙂

Winter Wickedness

Writing fast this morning – overslept a little, not surprising if you knew how little sleep i got over the weekend.  Wish i’d been able to take off work today, but it didn’t work out.  Anyhow.

Classes.  We went to classes first.  Miraculously, none of the classes i really wanted to go to were held during my volunteer time, which made me very happy.

So first we went to Mistress Jenn on impact play.  She demonstrated how to use hands and other body parts effectively.  It’s a type of play that i’ve never done ~ other than spanking, of course.

She spent some time on spanking, and ways to do it to get the best effect ~ which is both painful and erotic for the bottom  ~ um for the bottom’s bottom.  

But than she demonstrated how to kick in ways that are apparently erotic, and  did some wrestling kinds of moves.  That’s not my cup of tea ~ i’m too small, i think, and too old for sure, to be trying to fight any Doms.  But her sub, who was my size and maybe close to my age, appeared to enjoy it all.

i had seen a workshop on this kind of play once before, but it was more intense and seemed less designed for eroticism.   Mistress Jenn did demonstrate face slapping in a way that made it seem it could theoretically be not awful and traumatic, which is kind of cool.  

She had lots of interaction and demonstrations with people in the audience, and that’s always fun.

i did my volunteer shift next, and Sir brought us back lunch just as i was finishing.  It was nice eating together, talking about the class and people we’d seen, and just enjoying each other’s company.

Then we went to a class on Formal Training for submissives and slaves.   Sargent Major and slave riches taught that one, and it was a very old-school presentation.  

Sir and i both enjoyed it, although i don’t know that it has a lot of practical application for us.  He has no boots for me to black, and i don’t think He wants to teach me domestic skills.  i am already respectful ~ at least i think i am.

i can’t seem to remember to let Him open my car door, but that’s lack of habit, not lack of respect, or lack of desire to obey.

Anyhow, there was some good energy between Sargent Major and slave riches, and that was fun to experience.  It left a pleasant feeling between Sir and me, and reminded me that submission goes beyond play and beyond kink in some ways that we have not yet defined for us.

Then Sir went to meditate and i suppose do some yoga, and i went to a class on self-care ~ ways to enhance your own emotional well-being after the scene. That was good, and i’ll write more on it later.

Finally, Sir and i went to a class on rope.  The class focused on making rope a sensual and erotic experience rather than a practical exercise in knots.  Sir is already adept at this, but it was fun to watch.

Dinner at a Mexican restaurant, then closing remarks and the auction, which was fun.  Followed by time to primp for the play party.

i already posted pictures of what i wore around my neck and wrists…  Here are my very cute stockings

Except you can barely see the very cute bows on the back.  BUT my phone camera was not very cooperative, and it took us forever to even get a picture i could use.

i wore a simple, strapless black dress, in a silky material, with a bit of a flounce at the bottom of the skirt, but i took my black cape for when it got cold in the dungeon.  Sir was strikingly handsome in black dress pants and a dress shirt that was a deep purple with narrow white stripes.  

It was lovely just to be with Him, and i felt proud that He’s my Sir.

Got to go shower NOW.  Stay tuned for tales of the dungeon tomorrow…

Preview…

He had made rope shackles for my wrists.

And a collar for my neck.

Details to follow…

Yes…

Yes, we made it safely to Where-the Event-Is.  And Sir said i was a good driver, and not particularly like a pace car driver.  {So there, ‘Nilla.}

Yes, we’re having fun.

It is trickier using a computer with leather, fur-lined cuffs on than you might think.  The thickness is disconcerting, and the loose end of the strap gets in the way.  But having been required to sleep in them, i’m pretty sure i’m not supposed to jump out of bed and take them off.

i’m writing this from the social area, along with a few other early risers ~ although much later than my usual blogging time.

Last night is a blur of images and sensations…

Rope. 

Wrapped around my chest, between my legs, raising my breasts, pressing against me, making me wet….

Arms suspended above me, attached to a wooden frame.

Legs spread wide.

And canes.  My ass burning as the canes land, flesh already warm and pink from His hand.

Then the nipple clamps, pinching ~ mmmm ~  ahhhh!  The pain ebbs and flows, distracted by my stinging ass, His hand in my hair, His mouth…

Sensations.

On Your Mark…Get Ready…

It is THE DAY.  

Just a few hours and we’ll be on the road.  

Tonight,  we’ll be in a dungeon with a bunch of half-naked people.   Floggers and whips.  Rope.

i’m so excited, i just about can’t stand it.

But i’m very much at the “get ready” point ~~ i’m not packed, still need to do my Nia thing, get my cats supplied with enough food and clean litter boxes, not to mention prepping myself ~ showering, shaving, and so on…

The cats are worried and restless, rubbing against me, getting under my feet.  They know what’s coming.

So why am i sitting here reading OPB’s and writing this post?  i should already be running around being busy.  

But there’s something magical about this moment.

Liminal time.  Betwixt and between.

i’ve already turned my focus away from home things ~ work, volunteer things, even family are all slipping away.  

My mind is turning toward my Sir and the weekend.   Stretched out before us like a blank slate, it is pure possibility.

Once i start moving for real, i will have begun to paint on the canvas.  Making choices that begin to shape the weekend.  

So i linger here, playing blues on YouTube, savoring the moment.

http://youtu.be/GTHt8oC5BF8

But in a minute here ~ just another minute or two ~ it will all begin.  Swept into a whirlwind that will take me places i cannot predict or control.

Get ready.  Get set ~~~

My Toes…A Work of Art

Here they are:

Managed to work in time to get them done last night – you probably can’t tell in the picture, but they are a little sparkly.  And definitely slut red.

It was a very mundane pedicure, no hot rocks, no cucumber slices, not even any paraffin, which i love, but it did the job.  And i got to watch a nature special on crocodiles. 

One more day ~ only one more day til Winter Wickedness!!  This time tomorrow, i’ll be running around half crazy trying to get ready.

There are other things i need to blog about ~ visit Jumping on In here, please, to learn about Bloggers United for Human Rights and Women’s Reproductive Rights Day.  February 15th is a time for us bloggers to speak out on this issue, and i’ll be writing about it soon.  But for now, check it out on Sfp’s blog.  Please.

And of course i’ll be writing about Winter Wickedness ~ woohoo!!

The other thing on my mind today is some blog posts i’ve been reading that suggest that submissive women are really expressing a need to be treated the way we were back in the 1950’s ~ or at least the way we think it was back in the ’50’s and early ’60’s.  

That distresses me.  A lot.

That “submission” back then wasn’t consensual.  It was a whole different thing… at least i think it was.  Maybe your kink is a ’50’s lifestyle, complete with believing women can’t manage on their own, ’cause we’re really incapable of it.  When we were sent to college to get our “MRS” and being a teacher was just about the only acceptable career.

Back to the days when a woman wasn’t considered a success unless she had a man.  Wasn’t complete as a person without a man.  Back when any man was better than no man.

If that’s your kink, fine.  It’s your life.  That’s not what my submission looks like.  And it bothers me when the implication is that this is just a natural state for women.

i think i have more to say on that, but i gotta go take the garbage to the street.  Exercise.  Get ready for work.  Another day… And tomorrow will be here soon!!  Woohoo!

Making a List…

…checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty and ni ~~~~~ 

~ ~~  O.  Hi, there.  No, not that kind of list.  Yes, i know i can’t sing, sorry.  

No, my list of things to do, things to pack.  My Winter Wickedness list.

~ Get my nails done ~ i’m starting to worry about when i’m going to have time to do that.  i’m having dinner with Sir tonight ~~

Yes, YAY!!!  That’s a little celebration all by itself.  His work has eased up, for the moment anyhow, and dinner is in my cards for the evening.  

But that means by the time i get off work, this won’t be a productive evening, probably.   Not complaining,  just saying.

  Ok, what else?

~ Pick up jeans i had shortened.  They won’t be ready til Wednesday, so i’ll have to do that Wednesday night, cause if i wait til after work Thursday, i don’t get off til 7:00, and they’ll be closed.  And by the time i get out there and get the jeans, will it be too late to get my nails done?  

Sigh, i don’t know.  i gotta work the nails in somewhere.  It’ll have to be Wednesday, Thursday night gets too late too fast.  Ok, jeans and nails Wednesday.

~ Pack, i have to pack.  Which means i have to:

~ Do laundry.  For one person who doesn’t have that many clothes in the first place, it seems like all i ever do is laundry.  But there it is.  More laundry.

~ Decide what to wear.  This is the worst.  Or the best.   And really, i just need to talk to Sir about it tonight, because i think He’ll have preferences, so there’s not much point in me wondering about it now.  

What else?  Well, this morning i need to go straighten up around here ~ straighten, not clean ~ cause my house keeper is coming today.  {Yay!}

O ~

~ Clean out my car!  That’s a big one.  i’m driving, which is cool, but my car tends to be on the, um, messy side.  And sometimes, when i’m having passengers, i just shove everything in the trunk.

But, we’re gonna use the trunk, so that has to be unpacked first, so to speak.  Of course, i can always do that Friday morning.  “Last minute” is my middle name.  

And yes, i really am just kinda talking to myself here, so i guess i’d better get back to work…

….making a list, checking it twice….

How Many Days?

Ok, how do you count how many days left til you do something?

Do you count the day you’re in?  Do you count the day you’re doing it?

i think there’s 4 days left til WW ~ Today, Tuesday,Wednesday, and Thursday, right??  And today only counts cause it’s before dawn.  By tonight, i’ll be thinking “3 more days!”  That’s right, isn’t it?

It’s been a week today since i saw Sir.  i know, all you people in LDR’s are playing tiny violins and rolling your eyes at me.  Sorry.

But i miss Him!  {She says, with just a twinge of a whine in her voice… or maybe that’s just her country accent.}

i miss the way He wraps His arms around me when He comes through the front door.  He pulls me into Him and i can feel that He’s glad to see me.

i miss His mouth.  He kisses me a thousand different ways ~ sweet, passionate, gentle, firm, fierce, tender ~ and every one is a pleasure.  He kisses my lips, my face, my neck.  His mouth covers my nipples, licks, tugs and pulls, bites, but not with His teeth too much.  

He explores my most intimate parts with His mouth, spreading my legs wide, splayed out for His pleasure and mine…

i miss His hands on my body.  On my arms, on my nipples, probing between my legs.  i miss His hands.  

i miss touching Him, stroking Him with my hands, feeling His skin, exploring Him, with touch that’s light and feathery,  or massaging, rubbing,..

i miss kissing Him, caressing His body with my lips.  And my mouth.  i miss kneeling at His feet, tucked in between His legs.  i think i miss that most of all.

Sigh…

i miss talking to Him. Talking about the day, our work, family, philosophy, life… He listens intently, holding my hand in His, attends to me so that his attention is an embrace itself.

He makes me laugh.  He tells great stories, funny stories which have a point and a purpose too.  

He is a wise man.

He doesn’t have rules for me, and i thought i wanted rules, but maybe i don’t need them.   

i am naturally respectful ~ not just to Him, but in general.  i’m a Mistress of the art of disagreeing respectfully, most of the time.  And i rarely disagree with Him anyhow.

i’m already eager to please.

i don’t know.  The rules would have to be fairly arbitrary, and i don’t think He is interested in that.  But ~~

~~ it’s early days.  Five months or so.  Next weekend will be the first time we’ve slept together.

Which brings me back to where i started ~

Four more days.

i can’t wait.

Smiling…

A Moment of Happy

A passionate moment, tied, hand and foot, unable to move, being ravished by my Sir?  Bent over His work table while He alternates  stinging blows of the cane with penetrating and probing my wet nether lips, forcing yet another orgasm from me?

Um, no.  

My moment of happy is not anything to do with D/s, not directly anyhow.

i didn’t get to see my Sir last night, He worked til midnight and is up and at it again this morning.  i piddled around here, had a lovely dinner on food from my new eating plan, and fell asleep on the couch early.  Slept late ~ after 6:00! and got up rested and refreshed.

My eating plan is going well, for the most part.  As of last Wednesday, i’d lost 4 pounds.  i’ll weigh again tomorrow.  More importantly, my clothes are fitting better, and i feel good.

Went to Nia again yesterday.  About half way through it, i find myself thinking, “Why am i doing this??? i can’t do this right!  i look stupid.  Everyone else is doing it better than me.  i look stupid.  i can’t do this…”  

But i persevere, and at the end, i feel really good.  So i guess it doesn’t matter if i look stupid, or if everyone else does it better.  {Which is probably not even 100% true anyhow…}  

On the video i linked to, everyone knows the moves, but it’s not like that in my class.  There are all kinds of varying degrees of skill.

This video shows some more interesting kinds of things we do.  And really, my class is more like this, where you can tell some people are struggling to follow along {if you watch the ones in the back, not the ones in the front.}

Ok, that’s probably way more Nia videos than you’d wanna see.  Sorry.

But i was sitting here at my computer about  8:30 this morning, responding to all the wonderful comments you left yesterday, thinking about the different perspectives you each offered.  And thinking about another comment i got by private message that reminded me to let Him know how i felt, not to just endure if i felt too disconnected.

i was thinking how much harder that is for me than being patient, and how not saying what i feel can lead me to that curling in on myself and withdrawing til i’ve gone away emotionally…

..and thinking how that response is “abuse reactive.”  It’s a variation of “hunker down and survive” that John Briere talks about.  A way to cope that we learn when asking for what you want and need doesn’t work.

So there i was contemplating all this, and it wasn’t even 9:00 yet, plenty of time left in the day.

i’m going to have lunch with my daughter and my sister later.  My womenfolk.  Always a good time.  

Winter Wickedness is five days away.  Just five!  How cool is that?  

We got the volunteer list yesterday.  i’m working registration from 11-1.  i was a little bit worried, because i don’t know what the class schedule is yet, and that could be at the same time as one of the classes Sir wants me for.  

For a minute or two, i was real worried, like this was going to ruin everything.  i wanted to apologize to Sir and ~ i don’t even know ~  just a big ole panicky “now you’ve messed up” moment.

Then i thought ~ o, wait, don’t be a dumb ass.  Volunteering at COPE is what got us into chocolate rooms!  

{“Chocolate rooms”  are in the part of the hotel that’s blocked off , even from staff, so you can wear whatever you want and revel in kink the whole weekend.  At least i think we’re in chocolate rooms!  i hope we are.}

But volunteering’s important.  And what’s more important, Sir X is not the type of person to blame me for ruining the weekend if one little part of it doesn’t go the way He wants it to.

Castaneda says:

“The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse.” 

My Sir has the spirit of a warrior.  So if i can’t be there for the rope class or the heavy flogging class, He’ll take it as a challenge to be worked around, not as something terrible that shouldn’t be happening to Him.

i remind myself that i am not in the kind of relationship where everything in the universe is my responsibility and my fault.   If we decide that missing part of a class isn’t worth having a chocolate room, then we can do it differently next time.  And i felt better about that.

And in that moment, with all of this in my head and in my heart, i was swept with a wave of happy.  It just rolled over me.  Filled me up, made me smile, left me content.

Left me grateful ~ for youall, for Sir, for my family ~ left me grateful to the universe…

WW Classes List is Here!!

Here to be exact.

Can i tell you how excited i am????

No.  ‘Cause there are no words for it.  Sorry.

Two weeks from tonight, we’ll be there.   Not just me ~ WE.  Me and Sir, hanging out at the kink event.  How cool is that?  {Happy dance, happy dance, happy dance…}

i already know which classes i want to take.  If you didn’t already look at the list, go look now.  http://adventuresinsexuality.org/WICKED2012_class_list.html

i’ll wait…

Which ones did you like?

Now i got to think about what clothes to take.  Something to wear the first night.  The second night.  Something for dinner, something for the play party.

Something for during the day to wear to class ~ that’s the easiest.  Layers ~ jeans, probably, and my pink “Got Consent?” t-shirt, my pale lavender jacket-thing-y, although that might not be heavy enough… hmmm… maybe a sweatshirt too, just in case.  For some reason, it gets real cold in the classrooms sometimes.  Cute shoes or comfortable shoes???  O, comfortable i guess.  Or i might need to go shoe shopping…

One of my black dresses for the buffet Saturday night maybe.

Ok, i can’t think about that anymore.

i wonder if Sir’s looked at the class list yet.  i’m betting He wants to take the rope one.  Of course i could be wrong.

***************************

Started this last night, which is good, cause i totally overslept this morning, and if i don’t post now, i don’t know when i will.  

Sir has looked at the class list – he wants to do the rope one and the flogging one.  And you need a partner for them – omg, that’s going to be soooo much fun.

And now i’m out of here.  

Smiling…