Smiling Soul describes the Fourth Agreement as it was discussed in the workshop. She says:
Always Do Your Best
Not necessarily The Best. Only your best.
It is impossible to be perfect.
He doesn’t want someone who is obsessed with perfection. Too much energy is spent with achieving your idea of perfection. Often there isn’t enough energy for Him. She (slave namaste) was really into a Martha Stewart type of home. He didn’t want that much time put into how a house looked perfect. He would often ask her to leave the dirty dishes in the sink or drink their wine in paper cups to teach her to put things into perspective.
I think we often are perfectionists and it could be to our demise; not only with our dynamics but in life, too.
“Hi, i’m aisha, and i’m a recovering perfectionist.”
All that about “it doesn’t have to be THE best, just your best…” Hmpf. Useless.
The website says:
“Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”
And all i can think is, y’all don’t understand. If you even say the “B” word, it sends a rush of anxiety right through me.
Sigh.
i can decide to clean the kitchen. i’ll be cruising along, dishes all in the washer, wiping counters, then i get to the stove top. It’s an ancient stove. The more i clean, the more i see wrong. i have an old toothbrush i keep for nooks and crannies. i’ll clean with that for a while. But the deep, almost hidden dirt is still out of reach.
A toothpick. A toothpick with a bit of paper towel wrapped around the tip is just what i need. Now i can get to that finely hidden dirt…
and half an hour…
forty-five minutes later, i’m still cleaning the stove top. Trying to do “my best.”
Thank goodness i don’t have to do my best all the time. Sometimes, i just need it to be “good enough.”
“Good enough” is actually a technical psychological term ~ no, i’m not kidding. D. W. Winnicutt developed the concept of the “good enough mother,” and if you’d like to know more about it, this is a pretty good basic description of the concept.
Shorter version – if mothers were perfect, it wouldn’t really be good for their children, they’d be totally unprepared for the real world. The goal is not to be your “best” all the time. We just need to be “good enough.”
Seriously, if you’re not familiar with Winnicutt’s ideas, go read about it now… i’ll wait.
Ok, wasn’t that cool? So i try to apply the same basic idea to all aspects of my life. There is surely a “good enough” threshold for cleaning the stove. It’s something short of my personal best, which would require almost endless scrubbing.
The truth is, for me, it’s easy to go for “good enough” on most domestic chores. Not really an issue. It’s more difficult in other parts of my life.
Work. Relationships. Even writing. Just think how crazy i could make myself. Do you realize that every single day i have dozens of opportunities ~ maybe hundreds of them ~ to do “my best” on something?
Conversations with staff. Endless emails. Sessions with clients. Meetings, many of which i facilitate. Paperwork. Every single one of those things has a goal, a purpose. Every single one of them is an opportunity to be done well or poorly.
Good grief.
Often, my “best” is limited by time anyhow, and sometimes i think i procrastinate so i don’t have time to endlessly tweak and tinker with whatever i’m doing.
i wonder if part of the charm of submission is that when i let go of being in charge, i can let go of judging myself. Not ~ like dinner, where i don’t actually know what He wants, that makes me anxious.
But when He’s there and He tells me or shows me what He wants, i can fully let go. That’s what training’s about, isn’t it? Learning to do it His way so i don’t have to worry.
i know, i sound a little crazed for real today, don’t i? Can’t help it, this is where the idea of doing my “best” takes me.
So i don’t care how many qualifiers and explanations you tack on to the B word, it still strikes me as overwhelming. Blood pressure up, heart pounding.
That’s why i’m just not buying it. i won’t commit to doing “my best.” “Good enough” is good enough for me.
“Hi, i’m aisha and i’m a recovering perfectionist.”