Day 24 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission

What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

This question confuses me ~ is it emotions that let me directly access submission?  How does that work? 

When i feel ___________, then i am able to directly access my submission.

Nope.  Not working.  Multiple choice?

i am able to directly access my submission best when i feel:

a)  sad

b)  mad

c)  glad  or

d) scared

Nope.  Doesn’t make sense to me.  And those are the four feeling groups.   They say that all other feelings are either varying degrees or combinations of those feelings.

Often, we confuse thoughts and feelings.  We say, “i feel like…. blah, blah, blah,” but what follows is not usually a feeling, the “blah, blah, blah” is not a feeling, it’s a thought.  

Feelings are usually one word, not a phrase or sentence.

Is “submissive” a feeling itself?  Some odd combination of all the feeling groups?

Maybe.

Yeah.  Think about this.

When He grabs my hair at the base of my neck, i feel submissive.  

And it’s a process, right?  It happens quickly, much faster than i can describe it, but it’s a process.

There’s a physical response ~ my heart beats faster, my breath quickens, i may blush, i feel hot.

Ok, that’s anxiety.  Or fear.  That’s a response to danger.  

Hmmmmm.

That’s the flight or fight response, but instead of running or fighting, i relax into it.  i know i’m not in real danger ~

~ although i stay in a state of alertness, right?  On edge, intense awareness of the moment, my environment, and Sir.

Physically, my body is responding to danger, and my mind knows i’m safe.  So there’s relief and risk all mingled together.   i feel aroused and my pussy gets wet and i demonstrate my submission.

i open to Him, in some way i signal Him that i’m not fighting His demand on my body, whatever the demand is, but i’m open to Him.  

Like dogs in a pack drop to the ground, belly up, to signal their submission to the alpha male, i do too.  In some figurative way, through body language or words, i concede to His power and control. 

Lots of anxiety in submission, even if i don’t label it that way, that’s what my body says.  

Last night, Sir said He would put me to bed.  Usually He waits til i’m in bed and tucks me in, but last night, while i’m brushing my teeth, He turns the covers down.

He leaves a long piece of rope on the bed where i would lay.

Heart beating faster, i wonder what the rope is for.

He has left the tether next to the bed all day.  Now there is rope on the bed.

What is He going to do?

i’m not actually surprised when He ties my wrists together.   He ties them in front of me, and tells me to lie down.

The ends of the rope seems short ~i’m thinking, ‘i won’t be able to move!’ but i lie down, on my side, which is how i sleep anyhow.  The rope reaches the tether, but without much room to move.

He attaches the rope to the tether.

“But, Sir,” i say, “i can’t roll over, or anything.”

“No,” He says, matter-of-factly, “You can’t.  Can’t touch yourself either, can you?”

“No, Sir,” i say.  

i can’t touch myself, can’t cover myself with the blankets either, i’m exposed, laying on my side, attached to the tether.

His hands are on me, as He does now when He tucks me in, His hands stroke my body, as if He is taking inventory, yes, there are her flanks, her breasts, yes, the nipples still get hard, legs, thighs.  His fingers explore my wetness just long enough to confirm my arousal.

Then He covers me with the sheet, pulls up the quilt.  

“Go to sleep,” He says.  “I’ll be in soon.”

Turns off the light and leaves me there.

In the darkness.  Tethered.  Helpless.  Tingling.

And safe.  

i fall asleep.

When He comes to bed, He unties my hands.  Half-awake, i feel Him loosening the rope, unwrapping my wrists, and smile.

He slides into bed behind me, spoons me, while His hands check my body one more time.  Like He’s leaving His mark on me, the imprint of His hands lingers.

It is such a mix of feelings that make up feeling submissive… is it fear followed by relief, mixed with some version of glad?  i don’t know.  More to think about.  

But i think “submissive” is a feeling itself.

**************************

Before all that, yesterday evening, i went to the fourth Sunday munch,  and had a lovely time, chatting with Ms. Constance mostly.

Now that she’s joined the ranks of bloggers, that’s a whole ‘nother topic for us to explore.  She blogged about the munch too ~ check it out here.  

She mentioned the 30 Days of Submission writing project that some of us submissives are doing and mentioned that she’s considering coming up with some questions for Doms/Masters/Tops.   Probably not 30, but some.   Wouldn’t that be cool?

That Old Ball ‘n’ Chain

So it’s not actually going to be a ball and chain.  It will be a tether.

Sir is not buying into that whole “train her to stay ” idea that youall so thoughtfully suggested.  No.   When we go to COPE, i’ll be tethered.

That kind of makes me hot.  Go figure.

Anyhow, yesterday, He’s out shopping the Dom stores again and look what He brings home:

Um, the parking pyramid, not my foot.  i put my foot next to it so you can see how big it is.  

i took that picture ~ he took this one, which really gives you a better idea.

And it shows you my cute shoes i wore last night.

Of course, it won’t look like that when He’s through.  Sir’s going to cover it in rope, and it will have a handle to carry it around, and to attach me to.  He’s  hard at work  already this morning.

Here’s the bottom of it:

And here’s the current side view:

Of course, 5 minutes after i take the picture, He decides to redo it using different knots and more rope.  So it will look different.

He weighs it too ~ only 16 pounds, but i swear it feels heavier than that.  It will have a handle to carry it by.  So it will act more like a hobble, i’ll still be able to move around  {good in case of fire} but not quickly or with ease.

Anyhow.  Yeah.  That’s my tether.

i got to wear my padlock collar at the munch last night, and got lots of looks and a number of compliments.  Sir didn’t put it on til we get to the actual munch area of the restaurant, which is good, but He says i need to find a scarf i can wear to cover it so He doesn’t always have to wait.

Ah, the fashion challenges of a submissive…

i have to walk through the vanilla part of the restaurant to get to the bathroom, and i just brazen my way through that  ~ so well that i feel quite comfortable ~ until i look in the mirror as i’m washing my hands.

It’s a shock, my own body reflected with the lock practically covering my chest.  Nothing subtle about that.

Also yesterday, Sir refers to Himself as my Master, which He doesn’t often do.   

And ~ this happened yesterday too ~ i have a punishment coming to me.  i don’t want to talk about it now, but i will later.  It’s ~

~ i won’t go into it now, but it is well-deserved.  He says i will “pay with my ass,” and i’m sure i will.

And ~ we had a great time at the munch, and at dinner before the munch with Ms. Constance and Drew.  Good times all around.

Except for that pesky punishment hanging over my head.  

And the tether, which is being constructed as we speak.  

The Munch and More

Sir and i got together yesterday afternoon before the munch.  He’d said we were going to  do something mundane, but fun.  And it was.

We went shopping. 

We had never been shopping together ~ well, the grocery once, but that was a quick late night trip.

And ~

~ we went shopping for shoes.

Life doesn’t get any better than that, does it?

We found two pair  ~ white tennis shoes, and black dress shoes.  Both size 10 1/2 wide.

O, did i forget to say ~ it was shoe shopping for Him, not me…  {laughing…}

As He reminded me, it’s not always about me.

i was allowed, once He was finished, to wander through the women’s section once.  i didn’t actually spot any “have to have” shoes so that was good, and we proceeded to the search for a new shirt.  

Yes.  Also for Him.

It was fun actually, partly because He’s fun and partly because i’m wild about HIm.  i don’t remember the last time i went shopping with a man for His clothes.  Actually, i’m not sure i ever have.

Have i mentioned that i’m wild about Sir?

Anyhow, then we went home and got ready for the munch.

He seemed pleased with the little black dress i was wearing, so that was good.  And Ms. Constance commented on it, which made me smile.

We were greeted at the door by Mr. Michael ~ and Caile, wearing some adorable bunny ears.  Jacki was handing out candy ~ i took a bracelet.

i wore it all night ~ it looked great with my dress.

Laughing… anyhow, it was a delightful evening.  Drew was there, Ms. Constance’s slave, who is one of my favorite people in the whole world.  He has such a lovely Zen feel, and a wry sense of humor, which is an unusual combination.  But it was wonderful to see him, and Ms. Constance too, who i haven’t seen in forever.

Then Sir and i went home.  

i had been waiting to have “the conversation” until i was in a most submissive frame of mind.  That happened pretty quickly.

He slips a finger through my collar to pull me closer.  Fists His hand in my hair.  i am immediately in a different head space.

Even before He grasps my right nipple and pinches firmly.

But that  makes it much easier to explain the whole issue, and tell Him how i feel.  Well, except for it being a little difficult to find words, or to talk at all, but i manage.

And He listens, as He does so well.

And it doesn’t take Him a minute to make a decision.

“You should email me every day,” He says.  “At least once a day.  I’ll answer when I can, most of the time, but I want to hear from you every day.”

Which is really all i needed to hear.

Happy sigh.

And now here we are, at the kitchen table together, having slept til daylight once again.  This could become a Sunday habit.

Happy Easter and Happy Passover, and just general happiness to all of you!

Today

i’m exhausted this morning, but in a good way.  My sister and i went out for dinner at a fancy restaurant and then to the theatre.  It was our Christmas present to each other, and we had a fabulous time.

She and i need to do that more often.

Of course, she kept me out too late, and now i’m all sleepy and maybe even a little out-of-sorts.

But i’m waking up now, and ready to go to my volunteer gig early.  It will be a big day today, since tomorrow is Easter, and some churches encourage their members to come out special to harass and harangue women on their way to the doctor.  {Sin, i would hope the rapture comes this morning and takes them all away!}

Anyhow.  Sir and i have not talked yet about my need to stay more connected.  {See astute observation from Kitty the Submissive Wife in yesterday’s comments, which i haven’t responded to yet.}

But in an email last night, He mentioned something about symmetry not being balance, which made me smile.  It’ll be an interesting conversation, i’m sure. 

The munch is tonight, and i know where it is, {although this time, i might check fetlife again when i get home today.}  We’re going and i already know what i’m going to wear, which is pretty much a miracle.  But i was trying on stuff last night for my evening out, and discovered that my little black dress fits so much better than it did last summer.  Apparently i’ve lost some of the dreaded “belly fat,” thanks to my low carb diet.  Even though i don’t follow it very well, and haven’t actually lost much weight, and even though last night was no holds barred eating.

But even last night i only had two slices of bread, and it was the kind with holes in it!

Pretty, isn’t it?

Anyhow, i will be spending some time with Sir before the munch too, although he says that will be mundane.  But fun.  And then he laughs.  So i have no idea what to expect.

But i know i need to get in gear and start moving now, and i have a zillion things to do before i see Sir ~ not to mention i’m having family over tomorrow and have to decided to make quiche and i haven’t done my taxes yet {i know, i know…} and lots of other things.

Sigh.

But that’s ok.  Good times are ahead.

“Littles”

Yesterday was the fourth Sunday munch, but before that there was a gathering in an upstairs room at a pizza place.  {Sounds a little shady already, doesn’t it?  laughing…}

It was an unusual gathering.  We’re in the middle of what we call “March Madness” and the whole state is glued to the TV and basketball games.  We, however, were gathered, about 25 of us, to hear Sir Charles and slave Jacki do a presentation on their relationship.

At the end of April, they’ll be going to Beyond Leather, a huge, wonderful kink event in Ft. Lauderdale.  Beyond Leather is run by Sir Top and slave bonnie, who presented at COPE.  i wrote about their presentations and how i got to meet and talk with them when i was all-by-myself and they graciously invited me to join them at lunch.  i wanted very, very much to go to the event, but can’t do it this year. 

Here’s a link to it, in case you can go, or if you just want to read about it and wish.  http://www.beyondleather.net/

Anyhow.  Sir Charles and Jacki are entering the Power Exchange contest there.  Ms. Constance describes it like this:

“The International Power Exchange contest is designed to include pairs of people who have been involved in a power exchange dynamic for at least one year that aren’t normally included in other large event contests. It doesn’t matter if you identify as Owner and property, Daddy/Mommy and boi/boy/girl, Handler and puppy, Dominant and submissive, etc… you are eligible to compete at this new contest.”

So, jacki is Sir Charles’ slave, and she’s “a Little.”  They’re refining a presentation about Littles,  and what it’s like to have a power exchange relationship that includes that dynamic.

It was fascinating.  They’re excellent speakers, and it’s an interesting dynamic.  

You know, Carl Jung, the psychologist, believed that we don’t really shed developmental stages, we just accumulate new layers.  So our “child,” “adolescent,” “young adult”  those archetypes and others are still present within us.

It seems to me that Littles tap into that psychic energy and  let those inner selves come out to play.  Literally.

They may bring their coloring books to events.   Wear their hair in pigtails and suck on lollipops.  Where-i-live, we have events for them.  Easter egg hunts.  Trips to the zoo, or bowling alley.

It’s always kind of amused me, in a distant kind of way.  i’m not a Little.  Well, at least i don’t think i am.

So when i was at the SIGS discussion last week, they were talking about going to Build-a-Bear, which is apparently “a thing.”  Here’s a link to it:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Build-A-Bear_Workshop

{When the Littles were all talking about going,  K kept saying she thought it was a form of taxidermy, which made me say ~ “NOPE ~ Chuck Testa!”  Only one other person “got it,” but he and i cracked up.}

 Youall know the Chuck Testa commercial, right?  If not;

http://youtu.be/LJP1DphOWPs

Omigosh, i am just overwhelming you with links today…  and the best is yet to come.

slave jacki and Sir Charles were at the South Plains Leatherfest, and competed for the Master/slave title there.  Here’s a link to slave jacki’s presentation.  http://www.leatherati.com/leatherati/2012/03/south-plains-leatherfest-2012.html

You have to scroll down to the video labelled “Great Lakes Master.”   It’s a beautiful presentation.

And it made me start thinking about Littles, thinking about it beyond smiling indulgently when i notice they’re around.  And i wonder ~ i don’t hear many of my blogger friends talking about being a Little.  i know one slave who’s also a Little, and some of you have Doms with some degree of “Daddy.”  But i don’t know more about how this works for you all.

March is Question and Answer month – only now i’m asking – any Littles out there?  How does it work for you?  Leave me a comment, link to your blog, or email me ~ aisha.hisservant@gmail.com.

In the meantime, here are some pictures of the beautiful bears that some of the Littles here made recently.  Caile was kind enough to share them with me:

 

And here is Caile’s “bear” which is actually a bunny:

i have to admit they’re kind of cute.  Even if i do scoff at the whole thing just a little.  You know, “only in America….” but i say it indulgently.

And i’m curious to hear your thoughts on it all!

Happiness Is…

… my Sir in the kitchen, working on His computer, and Sfp and ‘Nilla, chatting on IM with me.

It’s not quite my original fantasy, with me at Sir’s feet, but that’s perfectly ok.  It might be better, cause if i were at His feet, i wouldn’t be getting anything done, and that would be unfortunate.  AND i would have missed chatting with my dear subsisters… which is a whole different layer of pleasure.

Sir and i were going to the munch last night ~ running late because He had to work, but going ~ and actually got there ~ only to discover i had the wrong venue.  

That was sad.  😦

By the time we got to the wrong restaurant and discovered our mistake, it would have taken us another 20-20 minutes to get back to the right place, and we were already an hour late, so we stayed where we were.  And much as i hated to miss the event, it was really nice having time to talk.  

It had been a long week for both of us.  So it was excellent to re-connect with words, before we went home and reconnected with touch.

Happy, happy sigh….

And  now ~ if i glance slightly to my right, through the study door and the kitchen door, He is right there at the kitchen table.  

Life is good.

Munches and More

i went to the Fourth Sunday munch last night.  There were lots of people there, and more than usual were new.  Ms. Constance had taught her class, BDSM 101, the day before which had apparently stirred people to come.

It was pretty cool to see new faces, and to feel like an old-timer.

i had just come from the Roe v Wade anniversary vigil, celebrating a woman’s right to make her own choices on reproductive health.   One of the new faces commented on a button i was wearing.  

It was looked like the pretty purple one, only it said Pro-faith, Pro-Family, Pro-Choice

So she commented on it ~ in a way that told me she’s involved in the same volunteer thing that i do, only not on Saturdays.  My jaw fell.

i said, “So you’re – {insert name} ???

She nods.

i explain who i am.  

i’m feeling more freaked out than she looks, which surprises me.  It’s not til i say “And of course no one there knows about this…” that she blushes and says, “O, NO!”  So we’re in agreement on that!

It occurs to me {just now} that i didn’t have to tell her who i was.  But that would have been kind of mean, wouldn’t it?  And she might have blurted it out if she ran into me at a volunteer event, or given it away.

Anyhow.  Ms. Constance and Drew were there, and Ms. Tammy was too, as well as a bunch of other regulars.  i saw Caile ~ who’s commented here before.  {Hi, Caile!}  She was wearing the cutest grey shoes with multi-straps ~ they weren’t fetwear, just cute shoes. i tried to find a picture of them, but i don’t have time today.

There was a girl wearing a short dress and the cutest stockings i’ve ever seen.  In the front, they were just regular black stockings, but in the back:

They were adorable.  She was wearing red cfm shoes and it made me long for the days when i could have worn those shoes… sigh…

On a whole different note, Ms. Tammy was telling me about the Leather Leadership conference in Nashville in the spring.  She’s going to be presenting there.  She says it’s an academic experience of kink.  i’ll have to check it out on fetlife….  So many events, so little time.

i had a good time, and when i got home there was an email from Sir confirming our plans for tonight.  It’s his birthday tomorrow, so we’re going out to dinner with two of his kids to celebrate.

i’ve met his son once, but haven’t met either of his daughters.  The one i’m meeting tonight ~ we’ve been Facebook friends for a while, so i feel like i already know {and like} her.

As for my story from Saturday night with Sir ~ suffice it to say, there was pain and there was pleasure.  i spent some time bent over his little table, head hanging, hands tied.

 i got reacquainted with the canes.

The memory of the canes makes me tingle  but at the time, it stings like ~ well, like i don’t know what!  Stings like being whipped with canes, i suppose!  

And there was pleasure.  Giving and receiving… lots of pleasure….    Enough to keep me happy for a while.

 

Updates and Check-Ins

i went to the Special Interest Group discussion yesterday.  The topic was “the funniest thing you’ve seen in a dungeon or at a play party.”  That opened it up for some pretty great stories.  They’re not mine to tell though, so i won’t.

The funniest thing i’ve seen in a dungeon was at COPE, and i might have already told the story.  There was a woman being whipped with a single-tail, her hands were fastened to the St. Andrews cross, but she was dancing in time to the music and smiling.  

Drew and i were watching her, and it went on for the longest time.  We’d look away, watch something else, and then look back and there she’d be, still smiling and dancing while her Top whaled on her with a single-tail.

Ok, maybe it was odd-funny, not ha ha funny….  anyhow.

i got to the restaurant late ~ not using my GPS  turned out to be a mistake.  i ended up on an expressway when i shouldn’t have been and had to drive halfway round the world to get back to where i needed to be.  But other than that, i had a good time.

i sat across from Caile, who commented on a post recently, and Kenny, who’s the switch who was presented with “earned leather” last month at the munch, and some other people i hadn’t met before.  Some interesting conversation.  A lovely Greek salad.  And good stories.  Life doesn’t get much better.

One of the things we talked about was communication, which leads me back here to Greengirl’s recent post about her reaction when her husband/Dom asks how her day was.  It’s a short post, but provocative, you can read it here.

She was surprised, and i was too when i thought about it, how many of us don’t believe that people who ask, “How are you?” or “How was your day?” really want to know.   

i went back to look at comments on her post ~ there are lots of them ~ and found one by Mamacrow, who says she does enjoy sharing the little events of the day with her “Him.”  She adds :  

“It’s a bit like two children emptying their pockets and sharing the treasures they’ve found that day… a shell, some string, etc!”

i love that image ~ somehow, i picture them on a summer day, sitting on a bridge, dangling their feet off the side.   And i thought, “i want that.”

i sent the quote and the little bit of explanation to Sir X, to open a conversation around that.  i think a big part of making that true is up to me ~ i need to trust that He does want to hear when He asks.  But i also think it’s the kind of thing it’s good to talk about.  Since He’s not actually a mind reader.

{And does it not frigging amaze you how insecure i can be when i get sooooo much affirmation from other people?  i think there’s a lesson there somewhere…}

On a whole different note, on the way home from the discussion, i stopped at Target to get Xmas cards, and bought some new boots.  

Yeah, i know, that’s a little self-indulgent.  But they’re super cute ~ black, of course ~  slouch boots.  Knee high.  If Mick does his boot picture thing this year, i’ll show you.

Every week, i’ve been setting little goals for myself.  This week:

i’ll finish getting ready for Christmas, and enjoy doing it.

i’ll keep eating healthy food.  i’ve done pretty well, although last night i scarfed down 5 of Ms. Constance’s cookies in about 5 minutes.  But they were small cookies, and extraordinarily delicious.  And i stopped at 5 ~ i didn’t keep going!

Besides, my heart feels so light, i think i must have lost some weight already.  🙂

Last Night’s Munch

Last night’s munch was memorable because Ms. Constance led the ceremony of presenting leathers to two community members who had earned it by their service in the community.

This is the third ceremony like this i’ve been to, and each time i think i’m going to write about what it was like.  Each time, i realize that i can’t do it justice.

The leather community is a part of BDSM ~~ and even writing that is not the right beginning.  

Never mind.  i think i’ll go ask Ms. Constance to do a guest blog for me on the history and significance of the leather community.

******************************

Ok, e-mailed her and hopefully she’ll agree to do it.

In the meantime, i can tell you that one of the people who earned her leather was l j, who i know from the SIG groups.  {The Special Interest Groups that i go to monthly.}  She leads the submissives’ discussion.

Ms. Constance talked about her first ~  how caring she is, how in touch with people in the community and sensitive to what’s going on with them, how willing to help anytime there’s a need.

Then c-s, another submissive woman, talked about her.  She described how much l j helped her as a newcomer to the community, told stories about how l j had eased her path and kept her connected and progressing in the lifestyle.

It was beautiful and moving.  And wonderful to watch l j accept her piece of leather ~  an amazing leather garter belt.  i didn’t see it unfolded up close, but i think it looked like this:

How cool is that?

And i’m glad i know l j.  i’ve watched her reach out to people, to new submissives, and welcome them to the community.  She has a warm and nurturing way of doing it, sort of like a den mother!  Very cool.

And i’m glad i got to witness the ceremony.  It’s both solemn and joyful.

The second person to earn his leathers in the presentation last night was k, someone i only know by sight and reputation ~ and because i run into him sometimes at the coffee place i go to.  He is the kind of person who makes you feel good just by smiling at you.

He wasn’t there, unfortunately, but i’m glad i got to hear more about him.   Ms. Tammy told a wonderful story about him, and how he had rescued her in a time of need with generosity of time, money, and spirit.  

One of the things i love about BDSM is the range of interests and activities and orientations it accommodates.  The “leather” element is about service and community, so of course i’m drawn to that.

The leather aspect moves the community beyond pure kink, into a deeper arena.  This is where i find some of the spiritual aspect of BDSM.  

i was reading over at Jake’s blog, who i like and enjoy very much.  He was talking about BDSM and sex, or BDSM without sex.  But there was so much he was saying that seemed {to me} to take different aspects of kink and mix them together like hash.  

i’m not meaning to be critical of what he was saying in any way, just that it made me want to separate out the different strands of it all.

When Sir D was doing suspension bondage with me, it wasn’t a sexual experience, in the sense of genital sex.  i write about it here, if you want to see what i mean.  

It was sensual, it was kinky, and it was an amazing experience.  But there was no orgasm involved ~ it wasn’t about that.  That doesn’t mean there wasn’t sex later.  And “later” was enhanced because he had “made me fly.”

Because ultimately, whatever our kink means to us, it ends up being expressed in our own intimate relationships.

Last night, i came home with my Sir, and pleased Him in some of the ways i know He likes. And {smiling} was pleased as well.  i think our pleasure was deeper, our relationship richer, because we had experienced a different aspect of BDSM at the munch.  

And always, i’m grateful for that.

Monday, Monday…

It’s raining – again – still.  Better than snow, but good grief, it feels like it’s been grey forever.

 

This is going to be a potpourri of thoughts and ideas.  

i went to the Fourth Sunday munch last night, which was fun, but i had two cups of coffee.  That gave me lots of late night energy, not that i got anything constructive done, but i was up late.

Didn’t sleep well.  Didn’t want to get up.  Don’t want to exercise.  Don’t want to go to work.

Sigh.

But i had a good time at the Munch last  night.  Sat with Ms. Constance and Drew, and enjoyed talking to them.   Drank coffee and had a spinach salad.

Ms. Constance is talking about starting a blog, which would be very cool.  i hope she does!

i talked to Mr. Michael some too.  He runs the munch these days, which is a challenging task, i imagine.  He and i are Facebook friends now and he posts links to many articles connected to kink and BDSM.  Interesting stuff.  

Here’s one that links to an article Midori wrote on “What Every Submissive Needs to Know Before They Play.”   

http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/sex/what-every-submissive-should-know-1121111/

It’s interesting, and well done, and i wonder if it would have been better if i’d read something similar back in my early days of kink.  On the other hand, a certain amount of wandering directionless is actually ok with me.  And fortunately, i was just old and mature enough that i didn’t make any irremediable mistakes.

Well, not yet anyhow.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
~~ Bob Marley

Hmmm.  Am i just a wee bit sub-drop-y here?  Or maybe it’s just Monday morning blues after a long weekend.

Besides, now that i think about it, i did read articles like that.  i just didn’t quite know how to process the information.  Or maybe i did… Whatever.

i read an interesting blog post here  by acquiexence on burnout with the world of kink.  i can certainly understand how she feels, although i don’t think i’ve gotten too lost in it all.  But “too lost” is awfully subjective. 

i think that when i’m interested in something, i tend to get lost in it.  Wallow in it.  Wander aimlessly.  Almost get swallowed up.

Then i pull back.  Try to assimilate the things i’ve learned.  Reclaim who i am, separate my self back out.  It’s a process.  Maybe that’s the same process acquiexence is going through.

There’s a book called Go to the Widowmaker by James Jones that i read when i was in college.  That book helped me learn to recognize that process in myself, which has been helpful over the years.

Which is not to say it’s comfortable when i’m in the middle of it.  Or even that i remember it’s a process.

And, i think this is a very rambling, unfocused post, and i should stop now before it gets any worse.

Maybe definitely some sub-drop here.  Damn, i hate that.

Ok.  i’ll be better tomorrow.  Probably.  If not tomorrow, the next day. 

If not the next day, someday.

Right?

Laughing…  i know, i know.  i need to remember: