Tag Archives: vanilla bddm

Yay! More Q and A…

13 Mar

Question:  Do you find that since you have become secure in accepting your sexual submissive nature, you have a greater link to the power within you extending to all parts of your life, or do you segment; are you only in touch with that power when you are involved in actual play?

i love that question – thanks, Donna.  There are such nice layers to it.  The assumption that my power has increased by accepting my sexually submissive nature, for one. 

There’s a poem by Marianne Williamson – i think i’ve quoted it here before, but i offer it again:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

There was a time when i read those lines with a tremendous longing to feel the strength she talks about.  i was still dimly struggling to feel my own power – i knew it was there, and i exercised it, but i didn’t feel comfortable owning it.

i was convinced that i had to choose between power – or strength – and being loved.  That created great tension within me, and kept me muted. 

But what is power?

The first and simplest definition of power is:  ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something.  Interesting, because when we talk about power, i tend to think of it as synonymous with strength, might, or force, which is about the third definition given.

So from that perspective, it makes perfect sense that accepting my sexually submissive nature would increase  my power – increase my ability to act, my capability of doing something.  So much energy was taken up before in “not doing.” 

i don’t remember how much of this i’ve talked about before, but it’s helpful to me to rearticulate it.

i believe that at our core is a light – the light of God Within Us.  Around the light are layers of ourselves – moving from our most intimate self that we share only with the Beloved, to the outer persona, who we present ourselves to be among acquaintances.

Picture it like a mandala:

When who we are aligns across all levels, the light within us shines through.  When that happens, we feel joy and can walk in beauty.

Actually, Mother Theresa personifies this for me:

Not beautiful by conventional standards, but her beauty and joy shine through

But at each of the levels radiating out from the light within, there are blockages.  Places where who we truly are can’t shine through. 

i think that our life task is to align ourselves – our Self – with the  light within.  Obviously, we all carry a different piece of the light, so we each look different, but the light needs to be able to shine through.

Sometimes, i see people at work whose light has been so blocked that it’s hard to even know it’s there.   Even children – you may see them in the grocery if you’re looking.  Their eyes are dull and sad.  No sparks of curiousity or wonder.

We can do that to each other – abuse, reject, hurt each other until the light is barely flickering.

When i was pretending to be vanilla, i was blocking all kinds of the light in me.  Faking who i am is a sure way not to shine.

That doesn’t mean i need to “come out.”  It means i need to let that light shine appropriately through the layers of me.  So – honest with myself, honest with my Beloved.  Open and transparent with a group of intimate friends…

Um, i guess that would be youall.  And the local community to some extent.

With acquaintances, less intimate friends – they don’t have to know that i’m submissive, but the stance i have with them needs to be congruent with my internal core of being submissive.  Does that make sense?  i need to be the opposite of gay politicians passing anti-gay legislature.

Even my family – they may not know that i’m into kink, but if someone asked them, “Would you guess that aisha is rigid and judgmental about sex, or is she more into the unconvential and kinky?” i’d bet they’d vote on the unconvential, kinky side.

So – getting  back to the question {do i hear sighs of relief in the background?} – yes, accepting my sexual submissiveness has increased my connectedness to my own power across all of my life, not just when i’m playing.


Thanks for asking, Donna.


4 Feb

In response to all those questions about my dictation application yesterday, the answer is yes, I did dictate all that and it didn’t take a lot of corrections, although I can’t figure out how to make it do punctuation. Aside from that it does pretty well. It thought that I said “send” when I said “Sin,” but that’s to be expected

Yesterday I went to my new office and got a copy of the lease. Today I go to get the key. I am so excited I can’t possibly tell you.

Also scared.

This is a huge step for me even though I’m only going to be doing it part-time. Still. I have a office of my own.

And no computer. Oh well. Hopefully, I’ll get it back tomorrow. Or maybe even today.

I’m starting some conversations on fetlife and on collarme and even on my vanilla dating site. Nothing exciting to report yet but I’ll keep you posted.