Tag Archives: C.O.P.E.

Finishing COPE

17 Sep

i am still too spacey to really be writing this.   But here we go.

We went to the play party Friday night, but didn’t actually play.  Just having the tether attached to my leg was probably “play” enough for the time being.  It was pretty phenomenal.  

On Saturday, we went to classes.  

We took the rope class on making corsets from rope, which i thought was pretty cool.  And we took two classes by Jay Wiseman, which were  fun and interesting.  

One of the classes was on legal issues, which was interesting.  The two most important take-away messages from that are:

If you’re playing and the cops show up at the door, and want to know what’s going on, the correct response is “We were having sex.”  That’s the only correct response.  And stick to it.

The other important tip is not to volunteer information.  At all.  “I have nothing to say,” is often the best response in interactions with the police.

i was a little bit disappointed, much as i hate to admit it, because i didn’t go to any classes that really spoke to my emotional or spiritual growth.  Usually there is one that does.  This time, it just didn’t happen.

That night at the play party, Sir is committed to playing.   He grabs a wooden paddle from the toys available for use.  Turns me over the spanking bench.  Panties down.

He rubs me a bit first.  Some nice warm-up with His hand.  Mmmmm.  Then He starts with the paddle.  

He whales on my ass.  Whales on it.   

From the Urban Dictionary:

to assault, maul, or generally pummel another with great vigour and enthusiasm.

That’s what He does.

Don’t misunderstand me.  It’s not all intense, and sometimes He rubs my ass, or slides His fingers inside me.  

Sometimes the paddle thuds in a lovely rhythm that heats my pussy, sometimes it lands with a powerful sting, over and over.

He pauses only long enough to take off my shirt and attach nipple clamps.  Yikes.

i don’t know if it’s worse when my nipples touch the spanking bench or when i manage to keep them away from the bench.   But eventually i can’t hold my torso up anymore.  The stinging thuds on my ass dominate; the pain in my nipples fades.  

Everything fades.

The paddle, His hands, His hands on my ass, fingers inside me, driving me up, up, and up…

Twenty minutes, or hours, it’s hard to know…

When He is finished, He helps me up and wraps me in His arms.  i am trembling, my ass is hot and throbbing.

The marks are there still.  When i sit, i remember.

But the real benefits of COPE, for us, come afterwards, when we’re home and processing together.  That will have to wait for another day.

Steampunk Us

16 Sep

i was complaining to Sir about not being able to post pictures of our cute outfits {ok, mine was cute, His was whatever the Dom equivalent of that is} because i didn’t want to show our faces.  He says, “Well sure you can, just blur the faces.  Send them to me, i’ll do it for you.”

i had not even thought of that!!  Which just goes to show, sin, sometimes complaining is worthwhile ~ the squeaky wheel, and all that. But here they are.  

This is my Sir:

That bright, shiny thing reflecting the light is actually a thermometer, but it looks like a compass.  He has a flashing lights gun in his belt, and all kinds of weird and strange things attached to the belt.

And here i am:

Those are fishnet fingertip gloves, and they match my fringed shawl.  You can’t see the boots, but they have laces up the back.  The front of the dress has criss-cross ties like a corset ~ sadly, i do not have a real corset.    Also, Sir made me a lavender collar to go with the dress, i didn’t think to ask Him to put it on me before we did pictures.

The hats were super cool.  Here’s his.

Yes, it’s a rope headband, of course.  And mine:

The band is actually purple, and of course you can see the feather and jewel in it.  🙂

It was very fun, being all dressed up in costume.

We left early this morning because we needed to be home by early afternoon, which is why i’m just now posting.  More tomorrow ~ and i’ll get back to the 30 Days thing too!


Friday at COPE

15 Sep

It was lovely.

Despite the fact that we got started later than i wanted to, mostly because i had to get my stupid hair done before we could leave and then i still had to pack and so did Sir. But we were making great time, and i was feeling pretty good ~ until we run into traffic .

Sir is driving then and we need gas.  He takes an exit right into tons of traffic.   Then he gets off the expressway altogether.  We’re really close, and i’m so anxious i can barely keep from letting loose with a whole stream of cranky thoughts.

i don’t.  But here’s the thing.

When you’re the kind of person who doesn’t do a lot of verbal bitching, the person you’re with learns to tell from little, subtle body language cues that you’re frustrated and annoyed.

So we’re on the road to the place, but about 9 miles away going through the city.  And city traffic.  And mapquest says to get back on the expressway.  Which i tell Sir.

Sir says, “No, we’re not going that way.”

i quietly gnash my teeth and sweat through every single frigging red light and car turning left for 9 miles.

Sir ignores that, thank goodness.

We finally get there, and we still have to check in and register, and change clothes for the Meet ‘n’ Greet.  And then Sir decides we need to get food right away, so He goes out to bring back some fast food.

Which is great, and i’m glad to have my salad, but then He still has to get ready.   i’m about to lose my mind, ’cause i think we’re going to miss the whole Meet ‘n’ Greet, which only lasts an hour, and we’re already 20 minutes into it.

He’s ignoring my silent angst, although He does say, “The party doesn’t start until we get there.”  He says it more than once.

But when He starts talking about some new refinements to His outfit, and maybe adding something to mine, i think my head is going to explode.

“Sir,” i say, trying not to sound like a nagging fishwife, “The party will be over before we get there.”

He looks up in surprise.  “It doesn’t start ’til 7,” He says.

“Noooooo,” i say, “It’s over at 7 ~ the Meet ‘n’ Greet is, it starts at 6.”

“O,” He says, in tones of mild surprise.  “So I guess you don’t want me to spend a lot of time thinking of things to add.”

“No, Sir,” i say, “i’d rather you didn’t.”

And He didn’t, and we finish getting ready.  He is handsome and dashing, and i’m not half bad either, if i do say so myself.  i thought about posting a picture of us without heads, but the hats are half the costume, so that wouldn’t work.

Anyhow,  that’s all good, and we get there in time.  It’s fun to see how other people were rigged out, and we have coffee and chocolate, and a pretty good time.  But my head is just not in the right space ~ not where i want it to be.  i apparently can’t go straight from cranky to feeling sweetly submissive.  Or hotly submissive.

After the opening remarks, we go back to the room and change clothes for the play party.  My steampunk outfit is not nearly kinky enough to wear to the party.

i keep the party outfit simple ~ black, thigh-hi stockings, heels, new black bra and panty set, and a black, button down the front shirt that hits the top of my thighs, that Sir likes a lot.   And the tether.

Here we are, me and my tether:

Sir carries the tether, i carry the slack in that big coil of rope so there isn’t any chance of Him going too fast and  pulling my leg out from under me.

Here’s another picture ~ you can see my cute shoes ~ well, shoe ~ better in this one, i think.  He can untether me at the silver link ~ He just unhooks it ~ when i need the bathroom, or when i stand in line to get us snacks.  i just put the excess rope around my shoulders, like a feather boa, or a boa constrictor or some such thing.

But despite all that ~ despite the tether, and my new collar, which is purple, and  pretty, and the huge padlock, and all the activity around us ~ people naked, being beaten, figged, tied up and suspended, punched and sexually penetrated ~ i don’t feel that submissive head space that we all long for.

You know the one i mean.

Don’t feel it until i say something about not feeling it, say something about wanting to be submissive, and Sir looks at me,a little puzzled, and says, in a calm, matter-of-fact tone, “Well, you’re always submissive.”

And i’m taken aback, just a touch, but i feel the warmth spreading through me, and He says, with a little chuckle, “You don’t think it comes and goes, do you?  You’re always submissive.”

And that does it.  That allows me to slip into that head space of submission.  And gives me something to think about later.

Gotta go.  Classes await us.  Having fun ~ WISH YOU WERE ALL HERE!!

Day 5 ~ Questions ~ 30 Days of Submission ~ and COPE…

30 Aug

Here are the questions for Day 5.

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you?

Yes, i’m in one now.

Have you been in more than one D/s relationship?

Um, yes.  {See blog archives}

How were they the same? How were they different?

O, good grief.  Hmmmm.  

Well, you know, different in like a zillion ways.   Mainly because they’re different, each man i’ve been involved with.

And you know it makes me uncomfortable and defensive to talk about it because i STILL feel like i should have been with fewer men, and there’s no need to compare and contrast my Sir to anyone else.  So we’ll just skip on to the next question.

What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

Um, unique about my current relationship or my relationships in general?  In general, they’re unique because i’m in them!  


My current relationship is unique because my Sir is in it.

So yeah, as you can see, i’m not deep into these particular questions.  Looking ahead a day, Day 6 is much more interesting to me.  If you want to play with these, feel free to.

In other news of the wild and kinky, let’s talk about COPE!

The theme this year is Steampunk, and you know i was all “o, i don’t know anything about that, i don’t do that.”  But after some on-line research, i think Sir and i can come up with something that is at least slightly in that ballpark.  So that’ll be fun.

They were looking for volunteers for the pedicure workshop, and i thought that might be interesting.  But when i looked into it, they wanted Tops to get the pedicures and bottoms to learn to give them.   So ~

~ unless my Sir specifically wants me to learn pedicure skills {i don’t think He does}, then i’m not volunteering for that.  i prefer being on the receiving end of that particular experience.

But there are lots of rope classes offered.   Lots.  Jay Wiseman, who i saw at Kinky Kollege, and David Lawrence, who does Shibari, are both going to be there ~ how cool is that???

And Dawn and Dan are doing the Scarlet Sanctuary Friday night, a real highlight of the weekend.  In fact, i might go if that were the only thing offered.

{Happy sigh…}  

Not this weekend, not next weekend, but the NEXT weekend, we’re off for the next great adventure.


17 Jul

Stumbled across this quote by a poet a friend mentioned to me:

There is a lovely root to the word humiliation – from the latin word humus, meaning soil or ground. When we are humiliated, we are in effect returning to the ground of our being.

Shedding the carapace we have been building so assiduously on the surface, we must by definition give up exactly what we thought was necessary to protect us from further harm. The outlaw is the radical, the one close to the roots of existence. The one who refuses to forget their humanity and in remembering, helps everyone else remember too.

To die inside, is to rob our outside life of any sense of arrival from that interior. Our work is to make ourselves visible in the world. This is the soul’s individual journey, and the soul would much rather fail at its own life than succeed at someone else’s.

~~ David Whyte

i like the idea ~ or i’m drawn to it ~ of our souls being on their own journey that may or may not coincide with where we think we’re going.  

Thomas Moore writes a lot about creating soul, growing our souls, and JM, the amazing analyst, has the same view.  It’s a little bit different way of seeing things, this idea that our bodies exist to support our souls.

i’ve read some blogs lately that were talking about humiliation as a fetish, and trying to figure out why they were turned on by it.  Thought this was an interesting perspective.

On the home front, all is well.  No sub drop {and thanks, Donna, for reminding me not to expect it, self-fulfilling prophecies being what they are.}

Sir and i had a lovely, quiet evening at home last night.  We talked a little bit about the previous evening, rehashed some favorite parts.  He’s already planning future activities, of course.

And He surprised me because He already knows what He wants me to wear to the play party at COPE in September.  Really.  He has it planned out.  

And it involves nipple clamps.  


No, i don’t think that will be humiliating.  Exactly.  At least i don’t think so.  i mean, that’s not what got me thinking about humiliation.  The quote made me think about humiliation.

So after a light dinner, last night, Sir let me rub His back ~ His lower back was hurting, not from the night before, but just because.  i massaged with my hands for a while, but then, because it wasn’t just a sensual massage, i got my killer massager and used that.

Here it is:

It’s a serious massager.  i have a number of implements of massage, from the cheap, battery operated ones you slide your feet into to this one ~ and a foot massager of equal power.

Anyhow, this one not only made His back feel better last night, but it still feels better this morning, so that’s pretty cool.  

And then we curled up together, and He played with me, but just for a minute, before we fell asleep.

This post seems kind of disjointed to me.  i might still be a little spacy.  But this is what i’ve got today.  And nothing wrong with spacy, right?


Updates and Check-Ins

19 Dec

i went to the Special Interest Group discussion yesterday.  The topic was “the funniest thing you’ve seen in a dungeon or at a play party.”  That opened it up for some pretty great stories.  They’re not mine to tell though, so i won’t.

The funniest thing i’ve seen in a dungeon was at COPE, and i might have already told the story.  There was a woman being whipped with a single-tail, her hands were fastened to the St. Andrews cross, but she was dancing in time to the music and smiling.  

Drew and i were watching her, and it went on for the longest time.  We’d look away, watch something else, and then look back and there she’d be, still smiling and dancing while her Top whaled on her with a single-tail.

Ok, maybe it was odd-funny, not ha ha funny….  anyhow.

i got to the restaurant late ~ not using my GPS  turned out to be a mistake.  i ended up on an expressway when i shouldn’t have been and had to drive halfway round the world to get back to where i needed to be.  But other than that, i had a good time.

i sat across from Caile, who commented on a post recently, and Kenny, who’s the switch who was presented with “earned leather” last month at the munch, and some other people i hadn’t met before.  Some interesting conversation.  A lovely Greek salad.  And good stories.  Life doesn’t get much better.

One of the things we talked about was communication, which leads me back here to Greengirl’s recent post about her reaction when her husband/Dom asks how her day was.  It’s a short post, but provocative, you can read it here.

She was surprised, and i was too when i thought about it, how many of us don’t believe that people who ask, “How are you?” or “How was your day?” really want to know.   

i went back to look at comments on her post ~ there are lots of them ~ and found one by Mamacrow, who says she does enjoy sharing the little events of the day with her “Him.”  She adds :  

“It’s a bit like two children emptying their pockets and sharing the treasures they’ve found that day… a shell, some string, etc!”

i love that image ~ somehow, i picture them on a summer day, sitting on a bridge, dangling their feet off the side.   And i thought, “i want that.”

i sent the quote and the little bit of explanation to Sir X, to open a conversation around that.  i think a big part of making that true is up to me ~ i need to trust that He does want to hear when He asks.  But i also think it’s the kind of thing it’s good to talk about.  Since He’s not actually a mind reader.

{And does it not frigging amaze you how insecure i can be when i get sooooo much affirmation from other people?  i think there’s a lesson there somewhere…}

On a whole different note, on the way home from the discussion, i stopped at Target to get Xmas cards, and bought some new boots.  

Yeah, i know, that’s a little self-indulgent.  But they’re super cute ~ black, of course ~  slouch boots.  Knee high.  If Mick does his boot picture thing this year, i’ll show you.

Every week, i’ve been setting little goals for myself.  This week:

i’ll finish getting ready for Christmas, and enjoy doing it.

i’ll keep eating healthy food.  i’ve done pretty well, although last night i scarfed down 5 of Ms. Constance’s cookies in about 5 minutes.  But they were small cookies, and extraordinarily delicious.  And i stopped at 5 ~ i didn’t keep going!

Besides, my heart feels so light, i think i must have lost some weight already.  🙂

Back on the Path of Service and Mastery

26 Sep

i just have  a little bit more to go on  Raven’s class on BDSM and Spirituality, but it’s the part that speaks to me the most personally.  You remember, we talked about BDSM as a path through Pain and an Altered State of Consciousness, through Ritual Catharsis, and finally through the Path of Service and Mastery.

So Service means learning to obey and to give with a joyful heart, and Mastery means ruling from right motives.  Well, more or less, short form, right?

Raven goes on to talk about “right stewardship” which means the Master takes care of His or Her property.  Not just in the sense of not harming the slave, but helping the slave move toward self-actualizing.  Helping the slave work for his or her higher good.

Then He talks about two ways this can work ~ two styles of relationship.

One he calls yin-yang style.  In this style, the slave gives energy to the Master, who gives it back to the slave.  Likes a circle of connection,  the relationship feeds growth for Master and slave.  They are turned toward each other.

The other style, he calls “tree style.”  In this style, the slave is the roots who gives energy to the Master.  The Master puts the energy into the universe.

Now, this second style is going to have elements of yin-yang style in it too, because no slave can provide energy without getting some back.  But the thrust of this relationship is different. 

The thrust of the relationship is on bringing the Master’s dream to fruition.  Whatever that dream may be, whatever vision He or She has.

And i was immediately struck by that ~ by the rightness of that idea.  Truth to tell, i could barely listen for a little bit there, my mind was racing with thoughts of how this all fit together for me.  Like getting the last piece of the puzzle, and it all begins to click into place.

But ~ but ~ then i realize ~ Raven is still talking about the Master’s vision, and i’m thinking about my own vision.


Because, ya know, i’ve got a vision.  A fairly clear one.  And scattered though i am sometimes with my energies, i’m moving toward bringing the vision to life.

Slowly, and not in a linear way.  Sometimes i think i’m going in circles, other times i think i’m off track.  But then something happens ~ i meet someone, do something, think something ~ and suddenly realize that i need this ~ this whatever it was ~ to put in my plan.

So the not focused part ~ the wandering and gathering ~ sometimes gets me where i need to be.  Other times, it is not my friend.  i do waste time.  i don’t follow up on things that i need to do.  i neglect things i shouldn’t neglect.

This is where i was going with my “The Major” fantasy.  The Major was going to organize her life so that she could accomplish the things she needed to do.  He was just taking a lovely, long sexual way to get there.

And that fantasy is a great example of what i’m talking about.  i spent hours on it.  i was driven to write it, couldn’t get enough of it.  And then ~~

~~ as it became more clear in my head, it became less urgent.  Then i met Sir X, and now i can barely remember The Major.  Maybe i’ll try to finish it at some point, but i don’t have the need to right now.

Writing it was part of what i needed to do though ~ there were things i needed to learn from listening to myself as i was writing it.

When i signed up for C.O.P.E., my fantasy was that i’d “meet someone,” right?  Instead, i’d already met Sir X.  But i needed to be there for this workshop, for Raven’s workshop.

Unfortunately, all this is racing through my mind, and Raven is still talking about the Master’s vision, maybe how everything else is secondary to the vision, i don’t know.  Cause i’m having a little bitty panic attack.

i think ~ does it have to be the Master’s vision? What if the slave has a vision?  Could it be the slave that has the dream, with a Master who feeds her energy?

How’s that gonna work?  

The Path of Service and Mastery

21 Sep

The third spiritual path of BDSM that Raven talks about is the Path of Service and Mastery.  There is so much here that speaks to me.  He says,

Service is about attitude, about learning to give yourself a good attitude about whatever you’re doing.  It’s about joyful service, not service done with”murmuring in the heart.”

This idea actually comes from the rule of the Benedictine monks, which describes how to be a good monk.  Raven says that Joshua studied this rule as part of his training, as part of his learning how he was going to serve.

i’m a little bit familiar with St. Benedict’s rule for his monks, so this was easy to imagine.  For example, the chapter  on obedience starts out:   

“The first degree of humility is obedience without delay.”

And how often do we talk about that?   Isn’t that often a basic expectation for the sub?  Further on in the chapter, Benedict says:

“But this very obedience
will be acceptable to God and pleasing to all
only if what is commanded is done
without hesitation, delay, lukewarmness, grumbling, or objection.”

There’s much, much more about the Path of Service, but i want to look at the Path of Mastery a minute.  Benedict says:

However, just as it is proper 
for the disciples to obey their master, 
so also it is his function 
to dispose all things with prudence and justice.

Raven says the Path of Mastery invovles motivation, that the Master scrutinizes every order He gives to be sure it comes from “a clean place.”  To be sure it’s not vengeful, petty or self-serving.

Of course it can be “self-serving” in the sense of being what the Master wants.   In the lifestyle, we agree that serving the Master’s wants is a reasonable goal.

But it needs to be “cleanly from there.”  So ~ without hidden agendas or secret motives.  

i think this means that the Master has to be very clear with himself or herself what he or she actually wants.  i think it takes tremendous strength of character to be this kind of Master.

Anyone who wants to call himself a Dom or a Master needs to have a certain level of integrity.  Needs to be able to control himself and act rationally.  But someone on this spriitual path is actively working to increase their ability to ~ as Raven says ~ act from the right motives ~ or from clear motives.

The example that comes to my mind is my ex-husband, not the first one, but the second (and last) one, who was {maybe} a Dom.  One of the last things he said to me was, “All those {kinky} things  we did?   I didn’t want to do them.  I just did them to please you.”

That’s the ultimate muddy motivation.  He’s whipping me with a riding crop without warm-up or after care strictly for my pleasure?   Then, um, don’t do it.  Please.  That wasn’t a necessary part of my kink ~ and he knew that.

In fact, he was lying.  Believe me, i know this.  i think he’d started telling that lie to himself because he couldn’t face his own sadistic part.

Ms. Constance says that it is often very difficult for a Dom or Master to recognize that there is a part of His “self” that enjoys inflicting pain on someone else.  That this maybe more difficult than accepting that i kinda like receiving pain.

That makes perfect sense to me.

In my mind, Master and slave, Dom and sub, are on parallel paths that criss-cross but are not the same.  So the Master is working on knowing and mastering himself as much as being Master to his slave.

The slave or sub is working on learning to obey, rather than to agree.  

Agreeing is what we do at first.  He gives me an order and i {quickly} decide if it’s something i’m willing to do.  If it is, then i do it.

When i learn to obey, i do it without weighing out whether it’s right or wrong.  Without that split second of deciding.  i just do it.

i think it’s perfectly reasonable to agree at first.  It takes tremendous trust to truly obey.  And ~i don’t think everyone who calls himself Sir or Master is worthy of being obeyed.

But agreeing is not obeying.  Obeying comes from a deeper place of trust.

Last night, i was hog-tied.  i agreed to it.

He had not told me to get my mat.  

He put the rope harness on me first, it wraps around my hips, between my legs, the rope pulled snug, and back up to my waist.

Then, “Lie down,” He says, “Face down on the wood floor.”

It’s a quick pause ~ can i do this?  will i do this?

Then yes, of course i do, and it looks quick, i think, but the pause is there.  And that’s ok.

Once i’m lying face down on the floor ~ and how odd that feels!  He ties my hands behind my back.  And then, attaching to the rope at my hips on the way, connects my hands to my feet.

After checking to make sure i’m comfortable, well, not comfortable, but ok, He tells me to take a little time to think about the fact that i’m hog-tied face down on a hard, wood floor.   To ponder what that means about my submission.

He turns away and i don’t know what He’s doing, but with my face down on the floor, i do as i’m told and think about what it means.

At first, i’m kind of wiggly.  It’s not very comfortable, and i’m squirming a little bit, which makes the rope running between my legs move, and that’s not all bad either.

But i think about what it means, that i’m lying here like this, how it feels in my body to be restrained this way, and as i do, my body grows still.  

i notice this, and feel myself relaxing into it.  

All of my body ~ my arms which had felt strained, my legs and hips, even my neck ~ relaxes into it.

It is that open, receptive feeling ~ that big  “ahhhhh, yes,”  of submission.

The next time He gives a command like that, there will be less agreeing and a little more of obeying.  It takes time ~ it should take time.  But He is moving me that way.

There’s more ~ much more ~ to say ~ tomorrow.  

C.O.P.E. and Raven and Spirituality

19 Sep

This is a “Raven says” post, from his class at C.O.P.E. with his boy, Joshua.  It’s going to be sort of like a book report for about two or three parts, I think.  

So I won’t say “Raven says” every time I say something he said.  I’ll more likely say “i think” if it’s me speaking.  Here is his website again:


And here we go.  Raven says:

There are three ways that the BDSM lifestyle and spirituality can connect.  These are:

1.  Sacred Pain

2.  Ritual Catharsis

3.  The Path of Service and Mastery

We know of lots of examples of “sacred pain,” Native American and African rituals often have an element of this, as does Catholicism with its self-flagellation for monks and nuns.  But they don’t typically mix sexuality with the pain.  {At least, not overtly.}

There are four ways that you can experience sacred pain mixed with sexuality that lead to growth.

A.  Altered States ~ this is not {i think} the same as subspace.  This may be what Sweet Girl was talking about though ~ when the experience of pain moves you into an altered state of mind.

How can you tell it’s spiritual? If it’s spiritual it transforms you, it becomes a tool that you use ~ the experience changes how you act or feel or what you believe.

Note:  this is not the same as dissociation ~ at least, i don’t think it is.   When you “go away in your head,” you’re not present for the experience, and, maybe more importantly, when you dissociate you are not transformed.  You escape the experience instead.

i’m assuming that Raven doesn’t think they’re the same either, since when he realized that Joshua was dissociating during pain play, he quit the practice with him.

B.  Bringing you back from an altered state.  So, the pain that creates an altered state is rhythmic and repetitive. Pain that brings you back is sharp, sudden, and usually unexpected.  It’s the BDSM equivalent of smacking someone when they’re hysterical.

C.  Offering to a Deity – pain can be an expression of sacrifice, with the Master acting as a stand-in for the deity, passing the energy on into the universe.

Raven talked a bit about what that means, for the Master to be a stand-in for the deity, but it ties in nicely with the thoughts i’ve had, that in some ways, our Doms and Masters are always stand-in’s for God.  

Of course, then that takes me to the belief that God is within each of us, so it’s just a matter of how we’re expressing our interactions with God… but then it gets too complex for me to sort out very well.  

Anyhow, the idea that God requires sacrifice and pain is clearly a part of Catholicism and some other traditions.  Back in the old days, when i was young, if you had some kind of pain the traditional advice was to “offer it up,” to offer up your own suffering to relieve the pain of others, mostly i think, of souls in purgatory.  {That wasn’t actually part of my personal traditions, not that explicitly, but i’ve read about it.}  

As i write this, i’m thinking that it’s almost like the opposite of healing touch ~ not because it’s anti-healing, but it works in an opposite way.

Instead of energy passing from the universe through the healer into the person receiving it, it passes from the person in pain, through the stand-in for the deity, and into the universe.   

D.  Breaks down walls, gets emotions out.  This makes me think of all the blogs i’ve read where the beating leads the sub to break down crying, and the sense of relief that goes with that.

i’ve never actually experienced that, but it’s an occasional fantasy.

So, going back a moment to the idea of a transfer of energy through pain, Raven says there are two ways this can work.

1.  Doer as magician ~ the one inflicting the pain senses and sends the energy.  So, if i understand Raven and my notes right, the person on the M side of the paddle is passing energy from the universe to the s side.

2.  “Done to” as the magician ~ the person on the receiving end of the paddle transforms the energy and sends it back into the universe.  The Master or Dom is the technician that drives that, that makes it happen, but the receiving person actually transforms the energy.

Whew.  That’s page one of my notes, and if it doesn’t make sense, i’m probably not remembering it right.

Whether you agree with it all or not, i appreciate the nice outline of ways to look at it.  For me, structuring my thinking helps bring clarity.  i can play with ideas better if they’re laid out cleanly in a form i understand.  And it makes it easier to discuss them.

Tomorrow, i’ll do BDSM as Ritual Catharsis ~ well, unless something happens in RL that is more important to me in the moment…

More on Polyamory and Raven

15 Sep

Raven talked about the need for communication and emotional transparency in poly relationships.

There may be degrees of transparency, ranging from complete transparency in the case of his slave, Josh, to much more limited transparency between him and a woman who is submissive to him in very limited ways.

He says this transparency applies to the Master too.  That the Master may withhold information to train, to create trust, or for some other specific reasons, but that it’s not ok to hide anything about the poly relationships.

He talked about Masters who wanted to avoid conflict, who didn’t want to deal with their slave being mad at them.  He said, “If you’re in charge, you should never be afraid of your slave’s anger.”

If you’re the Master you don’t need to hide what you’re doing, whatever that may be.

His words fit nicely with the image of Master that i have ~ someone who knows where He stands and isn’t afraid to stand there.  Who’s not afraid of feelings, not afraid of taking responsibility for his own actions.  {Or hers, right?}

He and Josh went on to tell a story about their  relationship that deeply touched me.  In my words~

When they got together, Josh thought he was a masochist.  He loved heavy pain play ~ loved “getting beat down.’  And Raven enjoyed giving him pain.

Then he realized ~ Raven realized ~ that when they played that way, Josh was “going away.”  He was dissociating, and wasn’t really present for the experience.

That wasn’t ok with Raven.  He stopped that kind of play immediately. 

So Josh worked on some of his issues and learned to be present, only to discover that he’s NOT really a masochist, and that he didn’t really like heavy pain much at all.  

Raven has started introducing pain again very slowly, with basic spanking.  Josh says that’s kind of humiliating for him, since he once prided himself on being able to take so much. But it’s clearly a much healthier place to be.

For Raven, it was essential that his partner be present for the experience.  For Josh, it’s been an opportunity to grow

Of course, it left Raven without a pain play partner.  So together, he and Josh shopped for ~ and found ~ someone to fill that need.

And that takes me to the biggest point of all this.

How much does Josh have to love Raven to be able to help him find someone to give him what Josh is not capable of providing?

Immeasurable, right?


Raven says polyamory is about getting to the point that seeing your partner happy makes you happy.  Josh talks about the difficulty of letting go of the idea that he could give Raven everything he needs or wants.

And i recognize the truth of that.   i can feel the benefit of being able to let go of my own ego enough to let someone else provide what i can’t.

That doesn’t mean it’s for everyone.

And Raven is, I  think, unusually good at doing this.  He talks about the need to make sure each  person in the relationship knows that they’re valued, knows what gifts they bring.  

He seems to have helpied Josh through the emotional growth he needed to do to truly accept it, not to accept it with “a mumbling heart,” but with a joyful heart.

Listening to them, i could see it clearly.  

i don’t think Sir X has any intention of us being poly, and i’m glad for that.  But i will try to be open also.  Some of the same principals apply to other relationships, right? 

Raven’s message goes beyond poly, and is really about wanting the people we love to have their needs met, whatever that means for them.