Re-Connecting

He missed me.

Works out well, cause i missed Him too.

Weekend of good times ahead of us now ~ graduation parties, munches, and who knows what else…

Coming Attractions…

COPE is coming ~ and we’re going.

Yep, it’s that time of year again.  Not time for Cope, that’s much later, but time to register.  Registration opens and closes in a matter of days.  

We get to register early because i volunteered at Winter Wickedness.  That was the first event Sir and i went to ~ the only big kink event so far.   i was worried that i was going to miss something important during my volunteer shift, but i didn’t, and now we get to reap the benefits.

Early registration = guaranteed room in the “chocolate” section.  The chocolate section of the hotel where the event is held is closed off ~ only kinksters  Not even hotel staff ventures into that part of the hotel.  

We can run around naked if we like.  Do some flogging in the hallway.  Or ~ more likely for us ~ He can have me wear a rope collar and lead me around on a leash.

Yeah.  

It will also be the one year anniversary of the “collar of consideration.”  i went to COPE by myself last year, having met Sir not too long before that.  Before i went, He asked me to wear a collar of consideration.

In a way, i don’t know where we’re going with the whole “collaring” thing.  At the time, i thought it was mostly a way to say He was really interested in me and didn’t want me to find another Dom at COPE.  Which was fine with me, cause i was really interested in Him.

Like a kinky way of going steady.  i’m ok with not knowing right now.  We’ll see.

There are lots of other events i’d like to go to.  So far, He’s not been real interested in any of the more “leather” events.  i don’t know if that will change over time, or not, but i kind of hope it does.

But i don’t know where my kink path is headed either, or what needs i might have.  

i saw a quote over on Submission and Metaphor the other day.  She was quoting from a book called, “The Ultimate Guide to Kink,” by Tristan Taormino.  The author talks about “lifelong learners,” ~

… people who are self-motivated to continually seek out new knowledge and skills, through informal and formal education, to constantly develop and improve themselves.

Applying this idea to kink, Taormino says:

What the anti-kink fanatics don’t understand about us is that we’re geeks. Sex nerds. SM intellectuals. We pay money to spend a weekend going to classes.

That made me laugh, it’s so, so true.  i want to go to Beyond Leather, and Leather  Leadership, and all kind of other events.  Sir is not so interested in those events at this point.  Sometimes, i feel a little impatient, 

But He is definitely a lifelong learner, so i don’t worry so much about where we’re headed that way.  We’ll figure it out as we go.  If i need to go to those events for my own development in some way, then i trust that we’ll figure that out, and either go together, or He’ll send me off to them contentedly.  It’s ok if i don’t know right now.

For now ~ i get to register for COPE tomorrow!!!   General registration opens Friday.

Which makes me wonder ~ aren’t any of my blogging friends going to COPE?  It sure would be fun to see you there…

Heat

My AC is not working.  I thought maybe i’d fixed it last night ~ the fan had eaten the filter and i replaced it ~ but this morning the temperature had only gone from 88 to 86.  

Fortunately, i have a basement which stays cooler, so i was able to sleep last night.  But this morning i’m going to be sweating the minute i get out of the shower.

So i’ll be dressed and out of here, on my way to a cool workplace, as quickly as possible.  Got a call into my heating and air people, hoping they’ll be able to rescue me really soon.  

All of which is a long way of saying that there’s no kink here today.  i had planned to write a fantasy, but i don’t need anything to make it hotter in here.

And it would have been  a fantasy, since there’s no real kink in my life at the moment either.

Sir is feeling better, if not great, and i’m hoping we’ll connect on Wednesday, but at the moment i’m as vanilla as um, vanilla ice cream.  Only hot.   And on my way to whiny.

Memorial Day

i was up way, way too late last night with my friends from out of town.  We went to a music festival here in town ~ not the same one i went to Saturday.  This one draws a diverse group of people, which i like.  Ran into some people i hadn’t seen in ages.

And danced.

i love to dance.  Particularly this kind of dancing, in a crowd, where everyone’s moving to the beat.

Happy sigh…

It meant i missed the fourth Sunday munch, and that was disappointing, but i had a great time.  

And i only see these friends a couple of times a year, so after we stayed at the event til midnight  {i know, i thought i’d turn into a pumpkin ~ but i didn’t}  we came home and sat up talking until 2 a.m.

Which explains why i’m just now getting up and about… at almost 9:30 in the morning.

Sir is feeling better, but not great.  He may or may not come over for a while this evening, and since He has some family obligations this afternoon, i’m thinking i probably won’t see Him.

On the other hand, my daughter, assuming she’s not in labor, her partner, and a couple of her friends who i’ve known forever, are coming for lunch.   More good times ahead!

Which also means i need to get moving.  

But i want to take a moment to remember that it’s Memorial Day, a time to remember our soldiers.  i hate war, but honor our warriors.

“For the dead and the living, we must bear witness.” 
~~ Elie Wiesel

On the Ground

Kudos to Sin, who gets my “Right Again!” award…

i finally called Him {what a concept} and He’s not dead or in a coma.

He’s sick.

It’s some kind of allergies.

He’s miserable.

He has no idea that i thought He was coming over last night.  He did tell me when He texted something about His sinuses bothering Him.  i didn’t realize that meant He was too sick to do anything.  In my part of the country, people have sinus issues all the time, and continue to function.

Even just now when i talked to Him, He’s oblivious.  He is lost in the world of “don’t feel good.”

i, on the other hand, am now feeling better.

🙂

Up in the Air

Yesterday, i went to this music festival with some friends like i do every year on Memorial Day Weekend.  i wanted to go with Sir, but He didn’t know if He was going or not, and wanted to go with His friends that He usually goes with if He did.

So that was ok. 

He said if I ~ or we ~ didn’t get home too late, He’d come over, spend the night, and then we’d have some time this morning too.

He ended up not going.  We texted a couple of  times during the day.  

So i texted him at 8:30, said i was leaving at 9.  Didn’t hear back.

Texted at 9, said i’d left.

Texted when i got home.  

Texted to let Him know the back door was unlocked when i got in the shower.

Waited.

Waited.

Waited.

Emailed Him at 10:30 to tell Him i was going to bed.

Maybe 9:00 was too late?  Maybe He’d already fallen asleep.  Maybe He’s broken a hip and can’t get up.

i don’t know.  i haven’t heard back from Him yet.

i don’t know what to do.  It’s only 7:30 in the morning as i write this.  He could still be asleep.

Or in a coma on the kitchen floor.

Eventually, if i don’t hear from Him, i guess i can message His daughter and ask her if she’s talked to Him.  Or something.  Or maybe not.

Or i could send the police by His house for a wellness check.  LOL…

No, you know you really can do that.  We’ve done it with clients before.  The police will go by and just make sure the person’s there and ok.  And anyone can ask them to.  But noooooo, i wouldn’t do that.  In fact, i should go back and delete the thought.

But i won’t.  {giggling…}  It would be kind of funny, wouldn’t it?  The police show up, “Sorry to disturb you, sir, we just got a call from this woman who thought you might be incapacitated.  Oh, you just fell asleep?  Well, you better call her and let her know…”

LOL

Ok, no.  That’s not even funny.  Sorry.  Not laughing.

So for now i’ll just hold the tension of not knowing what’s going on, not knowing what it’s about.  i’m on the edge of hurt and angry, but reserving judgement.

Probably His cell phone battery ran down again and He thought i got home too late to do anything.

Sigh.

i Did

Yes,

Last night.

i did get everything i needed.

The canes, the touch, the tortured nipples.

The chance to taste Him, 

To kneel at His feet.

All that ~

a lovely orgasm ~

and a dinner at a Chinese buffet too.

{Happy smiles…}

P.S.  i’m way behind on answering comment, AGAIN.  Catching up later today, i hope…

i Need

i need contact with Him.

i need to touch Him, wrap my arms around Him,

feel Him hold me.

i need to relax into His care.

i need to sit at His feet,

rest my head on His knee while He 

strokes my hair.

i need to taste Him. 

feel Him swell, responding to

my lips and tongue,

the warmth of my mouth.

i need to feel those things

that comfort, soothe, and arouse ~

His hand in my hair, 

the sharp slash of the cane on my ass, 

the bite of a clamp on my nipple.

i need.

Just Weary

i’m just tired.

After vacation, i am slammed with all the things that didn’t get done at work while i was gone.  All day Monday, just sorting through email.  

Too many appointments scheduled.  

Too much coffee to sleep well last night.

Eating too much trying to feel better, then angry at myself for eating too much, so i eat more trying to feel better.  i am almost back to my pre-17 day diet weight.

Vacation-drop.  Not quite sub-drop, but not so different either.  Endorphins that flowed now fade away.

Sir is dealing with His own versions of all this, and i think i am not his main concern at the moment.  i think i’m ok with that, but really, like a two-year old, i want to be the center of His universe.

Yes, He’s in touch, He’s not neglecting me, He just has other stuff going on.  And i do too ~ it’s not like i’m languishing around waiting for Him to call, text, or come by ~ i’m super busy myself.

i could have seen Him tonight.  

But.

i thought i was going to see Him last night and made sure i kept some time open, but He thought i couldn’t and arranged His schedule so He’s free today.

i don’t get off work til 7 tonight, and i have to be back in at 7 tomorrow morning.  So i said i didn’t think that was a good idea.

i know.  No one to blame but myself.

Sigh.

i will see him Friday, but we have separate plans on Saturday, for practically the first time since we met.  i know, this doesn’t seem like a natural disaster to those of you in long distance relationships.  i know i’m being whiny.  

But i wanted to merge our plans.  He didn’t.  And that’s ok, in the greater scheme of the universe.  It will be fine.  But it’s disappointing in the moment.

And it’s almost 6 a.m. now, and i haven’t answered comments in so long people will think i don’t care, and it’s already time to get in the shower and i haven’t exercised since we got back from vacation and i’ve got a million commitments this weekend and maybe i should have said yes to tonight but i’m soooo frigging tired already…

i need to find my center, that space inside me that can balance all this, that part of me that can be ok no matter what.  

Maybe she’s in the shower ~ let me go look…

Negotiation Discussion, Part II

My favorite part of the Sunday afternoon discussion this time was when the Dominants and switches came back together.  We report back on the discussion we’ve had, and this is a chance to find out what the Dominants think about the topic.

Submissives may think that “saying no,” or “not pleasing my Sir” is the hardest part of negotiation.  Some Doms think that not being given an honest answer and being sure they know how we really feel is the hardest part.  One of the Doms was saying that he really wants to know if his submissive doesn’t like something or doesn’t want to do something.  That feedback is super important to him.

i appreciated his perspective, and shared the story of the time i didn’t tell Sir how i react to violent movies, and how poorly that worked out for me.   Ms. Constance wanted to know if i thought that was something worthy of punishment, and i said, “Of course!” because really, i think it was.  Of course, watching that awful, awful movie was punishment itself.

But anyhow.

Some other people said some things, mostly about how important it is for Doms to know how we really feel.  For us to say what we really want.  

It was nice.  i was starting to feel warm and fuzzy, like negotiations are designed to make sure i’m having a good time.  To make sure i really want to do the things He asks of me.

But it was an odd moment.  There were some other feelings there, i’m not sure what they were.

Then Ms. Constance busted that whole “make sure the submissive feels good” delusion pretty quickly ~ and i’m so glad she did.

Ms. Constance doesn’t really care if Drew feels like getting out of bed, turning up the heat, and fixing her tea.  That’s what he agreed to do and really, he just needs to do it.

As she talked, i felt a sense of relief.  

Her perspective is the mirror image of my own.  

My submission isn’t about finding the right kinky scene to satisfy my submissive self.  Kinky scenes, ropes and bondage, nipple clamps and spanking are great.  But they’re not what my submission is about.

i want to please Him.

And, as Ms. Constance says, if i don’t ever have to do things that i don’t much want to do, then what’s the point?  Ok, not things that would be harmful, not things that violate my hard limits.   But if there’s something that pleases my Sir, it’s ok for me to do it even if i don’t much feel like it right that minute.

Isn’t that the point of being a slave?  To please Him, to provide what He wants?  Even if it’s hard.

Especially if it’s hard.

And that’s where the real dance of negotiation comes in, for me.  If i promise more than i can deliver, i will disappoint us both.

i wanted to watch the god-awful violent movie from hell with Sir.  i’m not able to do that without freaking out.  i wanted to.  i thought i could.  i really couldn’t.

My first husband worked second shift for a while.  i used to go to bed with the kids, then get up when he came home to spend some time with him, then go back to bed and sleep a few more hours til I had to get up and go to work myself. 

That wasn’t something he asked of me, but he had talked about missing spending time with me, and i wanted to spend time with him too.

i did it for a while, but eventually all the broken sleep was just too hard.  i couldn’t maintain that schedule five nights a week.

If he had been a Dom, we could have negotiated around that ~ how many nights a week i could do it, or something like that.  Of course, if he’d been a Dom, he might have recognized that this wasn’t a realistic sleep plan for anyone long term.  He might have come up with a compromise plan before i failed in my effort.

So the negotiation is important.  The things i agree to need to be things i’m able to do, and i’m not always the best judge of that.

The desire to give overwhelms me sometimes, and i know {thank goodness for blogs} that it does youall too, sometimes.   It seems to me that the hard part for the Dom is figuring out how to help us contain that desire and channel it where they want it.

Does that make sense?  What do you think?