How does it work?

Looking for topics this morning, i went to my “Drafts” and found this ~ my first piece of a post, from 2010.  i said:

Discerning Dom  wrote a fascinating post about power and control.  He explores the paradox – does the dominant actually have the power?  The submissive may give up power, but if they consent to give it up, don’t they still retain it? 

And of course they do. we still have some power, at the least, there is always a way out – even without a safe word, if you really want out you can get out.  {If you can’t, it may not be kink, it may be an abusive relationship.}

Brooke does a wonderful post on anal sex that totally captures the desire to give oneself to please someone else – Him.  She’s not a masochist, it’s not about wanting to hurt, but she’s more than willing to experience pain if it pleases Him.    In fact, she wants him to hurt her, so that she knows that she’s owned, so that he can see that she’s willing to suffer for him. 

And there’s the paradox.  If she wants him to hurt her, then is He in control, is He doing what He wants, or does the submissive have the power?

That’s where i stopped then.  At the time, it was a more pressing question for me than it is now, and it’s sandwiched in with drafts entitled “Am i a Masochist?” and “What about Pain?”

When i was in my first marriage, with M who was not a Dom, i used to have this fantasy of “giving myself” to him completely, belonging to him completely.  Not an unusual fantasy for a young submissive woman.  But in my fantasy, he could hurt me, but didn’t want to.

In real life, with him, any time i approached sharing that fantasy, he quickly wanted to hurt me in ways that were too extreme for where i was at that time.  If we’d been in the lifestyle, and he’d been a Dom, he would have recognized that it was a firm soft limit for me, and could have overcome it.

Instead, his insistence and demands would freak me out and hurt my feelings and i’d withdraw.

Back then, with no knowledge of real life kink, i would think ~ and sometimes say ~ “i want you to be able to hurt me, and to choose not to.”   Honestly though, i meant, hurt me in ways that turn me on, and choose not to harm me.  i wanted the sensual aspects, but in a safe context.

It was unrealistic, and probably completely confusing for him.  This was a man who refused to spank me because it “didn’t seem right” to him, but who raped me any time i dared say i didn’t want sex.   And this post isn’t about blaming him for not being a Dominant.  But it’s such a sharp contrast to my relationship with my Sir.

Sir will never harm me, so i can give Him the power to do whatever He wants.  Yes, even evil nipple stretchers and pussy paddles.  i know that i’m safe with Him.

But ultimately, i still have the power to retract that.  What if {God forbid} He got a brain tumor and could no longer distinguish between what was safe and what wasn’t?  i don’t think i’d be serving Him well by letting Him harm me, and i think i’d have some responsibility to protect Him from that too.

i don’t think that’s going to happen though, or anything like that.  i think Sir and i will keep growing into our dynamic, defining it as we go along.  

But what do youall think?  Who has the power?  Is it something you think about?  What about pain, what role does it play?  Please discuss.

Happy 2013!

In the last few hours of 2012, i learned a few things.  i learned that

• If i’m attached to a tether by my wrists and a spreader bar at the ankles, bent over the bed, i really can’t move much

• The paddle hurts like a *******  {insert your own expletive} even if He isn’t “putting any muscle in it.”

• If He keeps tightening one nipple clamp, over and over, that also hurts like a *******.  And it still hurts the next day, even if He barely touches it.

• The belt hurts ~ and i like it.  A lot.  i know, kinda crazy, isn’t it?   But i do.  It has a lovely thud.  

• After i cum a few times, it all hurts much less.  Even those evil whacks in the most sensitive spots.

That’s all good information to take with me into 2013, don’t ya think?

On a whole other note, i’ve been running around reading blogs and making comments, and thinking about how much i love this blogging community.  You all have changed my life in so many ways.  

Whether we’re celebrating or commiserating, i know this is a place i can come and be accepted.  Thank you all for that.  i’m looking forward to all that 2013  brings us.

“I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don’t want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift.” 
― Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life

Mean?

His whiskers scrape across my nipple,

back and forth.

He watches my nipple turning red,

watches thoughtfully,

with interest.

He sucks the nipple,

pulling it gently into His warm, wet mouth

soothing the pain

then, sharp as tiny knives,

whiskers scrape again.

Laughing, 

i say,

“Ow, oooh, ow, that hurts…”

and He smiles.

“Mean,” i say, giggling,

“That’s just mean.”

“Mean?” He says, quizzical.

“You think that’s mean?

And when i nod, still smiling, 

“Yes, Sir, a little mean,”

He smiles too,

“You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

From Sadness to Joy

i’ve posted it here before ~ Kahlil Gibran on Joy and Sorrow.  i’m reading it today, i think, at the funeral service for my friends’ baby.  Unless i stumble across something that seems more appropriate between now and 11:00 this morning.

Here it is again:

On Joy and Sorrow
Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater thar sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

This evening, Sir and i are going out of town to a celebration for the daughter of a friend of mine, who will graduate from college this year.  i’ve known her since before she was born, the daughter that is.  My friend and i worked together and were roommates for a while, back before i got married the first time ~ nearly 30 years ago.

So today, i’ll literally travel from an experience of intense sorrow to one of great joy.  It seems fitting that there’s an actual journey involved.

Often, we want to avoid sorrow and embrace pleasure.  We want to be happy ~ all the time.  

But in the lifestyle, we know it doesn’t work like that.  i think we know that tears and laughter are just flip sides of the same coin.

i revisit this idea regularly.

 i think we know that they’re linked.  We make this explicit in how we approach pleasure and pain, right?  It’s one of the many things i love about “us.”

i’m a little scattered this morning, i don’t know where i was going with this.  You’ll have to make your own connections, tie up the loose ends yourself today.  i need to start getting ready in a minute here.

i’m looking forward to going out of town with Sir.  To seeing my friend, to celebrating with her family.  i hope the hotel i made reservations at turns out to be ok.

If it’s not, i will add it to my list of things i’m going to think about the next time i get punished for what i couldn’t control.  He has assured me that it will happen again.  He says:

“Your future punishments will be random and lack logical provocation. You will have been a bad girl at anytime that I pronounce you so.  It is to be anticipated but not to be predicted.” 

i definitely plan on keeping a list… {smiling…}

Punishment nite

The first text said, “On my way now.”

The next one said, “Punishment nite, your ass is mine.”

That got my attention.  i was already focused when i heard His car pull up.

i was so glad to see Him.  i greeted Him at the door, wrapped my arms around Him.  We have both been close to death lately; He’s mourned the loss of several young men He knows, and i had been grieving my friends’ baby.

In some relationships, He might have held me for a while, encouraged me to talk, offered sympathy and concern.  Instead, He let me fix Him some coffee while He explained my punishment.

“It’s not so much for the things you might have done ~ maybe not calling me Sir when you should have ~ it’s not for things like that.  It’s for the things you’ve done that you can’t control.”

i listen attentively, quizzical. 

“It’s for the times you doubted yourself that you shouldn’t have,” He says.  “When you had no reason to doubt yourself.  It’s for the times you were overly confident, maybe vain.  The times you should have doubted  yourself, should have thought twice, and didn’t.”

It’s for other things too, He says ~ for things i’ve done wrong that no one even knows about, and for things i’ve taken responsibility for, accepted blame for, that weren’t mine to take, that weren’t my fault at all.

And when it is time, He leads me down the hall with one hand, carrying His canes in the other.  Bends me over the end of the bed, pants around my knees.

It isn’t a harsh punishment.  He names what the strokes are for as He goes along ~ 2 for self-doubt, 5 for saying yes when i should have said no, and so on.  He expects me to keep my hands stretched up over my head, and my feet on the floor.

It isn’t harsh, but i feel it, and there is a welt or two when He’s done.  

And a sense of relief.

That pesky little issue i’d apologized for more than once?  Gone.  O, more than gone.  And maybe some other excessive guilt things too.

And the heaviness of heart i’d been feeling all day?  Somehow, it lifted that too.  i am still sad, still grieving, but lighter somehow.  Better able to manage, to absorb the loss, to let the pain become part of me.

So it might sound strange, that He would punish me for the things i can’t control.  And maybe it wouldn’t be the right punishment for anyone else.  But it was what i needed.

Thinking about it this morning, i want to ~ i need to~ go tell Him, “Thank you, Sir.”

Amazing Orgasm

Yesterday’s post generated wonderful comments ~ if you haven’t read them, it’s worth going back for.  i started a couple of follow-up posts this morning, but they weren’t flowing, and i’m running out of time.

So i thought i’d share this video i stumbled over on Facebook.   i confess i have a little trouble wrapping my mind around the idea, but here it is:

i also confess i didn’t watch all of it, just enough to get the general idea.  If you watch it all and i really missed something, let me know, ok?

But i wonder ~ where was this concept back when i was pregnant?   Orgasms during labor would have been fine with me.

 i shared it with my daughter, hoping she could make it work, but she’s thinking it can’t happen in a hospital birth.  i suspect she’s right.

i am fascinated by it.  And i wonder ~ does this connect to kink?  Is this really about experiencing pain as pleasure?  We all know that can happen, right?

So i guess this is possible.  And not as weird as it might seem.  Well, not any weirder than kink is.  Or than we are.  Which is not at all, right?

Um, ok then, maybe a little bit weird.  But whatever…  i still think it’s a fabulous, fascinating idea.

AND Sir and i have a date tonight.  We’re going to see a burlesque show ~ after some private play time which He’s promised will leave me with my ass tingling.

Mmmmmm…. i can’t wait.  And THAT’S not weird either, is it?

I Did “It”

**  Warning {just for ‘Nilla} ~~  This post may contain references to things that squick you out.  Well, one thing in particular.  Sorry.  A sub’s gotta do what a sub’s gotta do…

So i did it ~ that thing that just a few months ago i couldn’t even imagine doing.  The lifestyle is like that, isn’t it?  

One day i’m going, “You want me to WHAT?” and bursting out laughing ~~ the next, i’m going, “Omigosh, i guess i’d better…”

That’s what happened yesterday.  When Sir X said He was going to do a body inspection, that He would be “probing orifices” and that my ears had better be clean.

My ears.

Like i said yesterday, in my panic post, my ears were the least of my concerns.

And maybe it’s a measure of what this man means to me, my Sir.  Cause i did it, i went out and bought a ~ um ~ a ~

you know, um, an {whispers} enema.

And i did it.

And it wasn’t nearly as bad as i thought it was going to be.  Of course, that was a low bar, cause i had imagined it as pretty incredibly terrible, and it just wasn’t.

So that was good news.  

And i passed inspection -that’s good news also.   {Grinning…}

And i’m not sorry i did it, and yes, i might do it again if i think it’s gonna be important, if you know what i mean…

As for my geography lesson ~ it was a serious geography lesson, and i think He was a little appalled at the depth of my geographic ignorance.  He had asked me a question a couple of days ago about the river’s flow and discovered this huge gap in my knowledge.

So it was a serious lesson, which really does make me anxious, y’all, and i’m slow to catch on and find it hard to remember and just about the only thing worse is if i have to do jigsaw puzzles, which would make me want to just sit down and cry.  But ~ i know much more about the river now, and what it means if you say it’s flowing upstream or downstream.

And my punishment was only a couple of extra licks, that were especially painful, but more so because i knew they were punishment.  i don’t think i even have any two-day welts.

But i thought you might like to see a picture of His portable spanking bench.  He says He should have taken one of me bent over it, but thank goodness, He didn’t.  Here it is.

We put a pillow on it too, so it’s comfortable.  And isn’t that funny?  ‘Cause, can i just say, canes are amazingly painful when you’re bent over one of these, with your arms securely tied and your legs spread. 

And now, i’ve gotta go, cause you already know i didn’t get finished packing yesterday…

Not THAT Nice

i’m a little concerned that i’ve given you the wrong impression of Sir.  He is “nice,” but not that nice.  

Last night, we had dinner and did some vanilla stuff, which was great.  He said He’s been thinking about me, and in fact, has made some toys just for me.

Sweet, right?

Yeah, they’re canes. 

Laughing… seriously.  

He was looking at the information on Kinky Kollege and saw a  lot of stuff about canes.  Did some research and discovered they aren’t always being made with natural material anymore. 

No, they’re often made with some kind of fiberglass.  Which He happens to have a closet full of, because that’s what He uses for His kites.

Yeah.

So He made some canes.  Just for me.  Here they are:

 

 

He has a super skinny one, and a little bit thicker one, then there are some bundled ones.  He’s particularly pleased with the one He put the wooden handle on.  “I think we’ll both really enjoy them,” He says, smiling sweetly.   

Last night, after we get back to my house, He tries each one out on me.  Just once with each one.

Then He says, “O, look at that!  Did i hit you that hard with it?  Whew, that’s a nice little whelp you’ve got there.”

Laughing… thank You, Sir.

Then, as if that weren’t enough, He says “I made another toy for you too, but you’re not nearly ready for this one.  You’ve got a long way to go.”

He pauses to gauge my reaction, which of course is “tell me, tell me, please.”

“Well,” He says.  “It’s for your nipples.  It’s a Japanese type thing, you see it with rope sometimes.  And they use bamboo.  But I thought the cane material would work just fine.”

i say, anxiously, “Yes????”

“And I think it will,” He goes on.  “What it is ~ you take two pieces of it, and tie them together in the middle,  then you do the same thing at the ends.”

He’s gesturing as He describes it, so i can picture it.  The two sticks held together in the middle, so something {guess what} can be placed between them on either side, and then the ends pulled together.

He used a straw, youall.  Cut a straw up to hold the two sticks together in the middle and then to close them off at each end.  Do you see what i’m talking about?

He says we can start out using them without closing the ends, but He wants to use the clamps a few more times first.

Good grief. 

 

 

 

 

 

More on Polyamory and Raven

Raven talked about the need for communication and emotional transparency in poly relationships.

There may be degrees of transparency, ranging from complete transparency in the case of his slave, Josh, to much more limited transparency between him and a woman who is submissive to him in very limited ways.

He says this transparency applies to the Master too.  That the Master may withhold information to train, to create trust, or for some other specific reasons, but that it’s not ok to hide anything about the poly relationships.

He talked about Masters who wanted to avoid conflict, who didn’t want to deal with their slave being mad at them.  He said, “If you’re in charge, you should never be afraid of your slave’s anger.”

If you’re the Master you don’t need to hide what you’re doing, whatever that may be.

His words fit nicely with the image of Master that i have ~ someone who knows where He stands and isn’t afraid to stand there.  Who’s not afraid of feelings, not afraid of taking responsibility for his own actions.  {Or hers, right?}

He and Josh went on to tell a story about their  relationship that deeply touched me.  In my words~

When they got together, Josh thought he was a masochist.  He loved heavy pain play ~ loved “getting beat down.’  And Raven enjoyed giving him pain.

Then he realized ~ Raven realized ~ that when they played that way, Josh was “going away.”  He was dissociating, and wasn’t really present for the experience.

That wasn’t ok with Raven.  He stopped that kind of play immediately. 

So Josh worked on some of his issues and learned to be present, only to discover that he’s NOT really a masochist, and that he didn’t really like heavy pain much at all.  

Raven has started introducing pain again very slowly, with basic spanking.  Josh says that’s kind of humiliating for him, since he once prided himself on being able to take so much. But it’s clearly a much healthier place to be.

For Raven, it was essential that his partner be present for the experience.  For Josh, it’s been an opportunity to grow

Of course, it left Raven without a pain play partner.  So together, he and Josh shopped for ~ and found ~ someone to fill that need.

And that takes me to the biggest point of all this.

How much does Josh have to love Raven to be able to help him find someone to give him what Josh is not capable of providing?

Immeasurable, right?

Sigh…

Raven says polyamory is about getting to the point that seeing your partner happy makes you happy.  Josh talks about the difficulty of letting go of the idea that he could give Raven everything he needs or wants.

And i recognize the truth of that.   i can feel the benefit of being able to let go of my own ego enough to let someone else provide what i can’t.

That doesn’t mean it’s for everyone.

And Raven is, I  think, unusually good at doing this.  He talks about the need to make sure each  person in the relationship knows that they’re valued, knows what gifts they bring.  

He seems to have helpied Josh through the emotional growth he needed to do to truly accept it, not to accept it with “a mumbling heart,” but with a joyful heart.

Listening to them, i could see it clearly.  

i don’t think Sir X has any intention of us being poly, and i’m glad for that.  But i will try to be open also.  Some of the same principals apply to other relationships, right? 

Raven’s message goes beyond poly, and is really about wanting the people we love to have their needs met, whatever that means for them.

Discipline (Part XII)

“Eight.”  

Gasping, the terrible stinging this time crosses over some of the other trails of pain He has left on my ass.

“Thank you, Sir,” i manage to say, and hesitate, that was all, right?   Surely He doesn’t expect me to ask for another?  

Just eight, not 64, and my ass burns and stings.  i want to rub it so badly.  Instead , it is His hands that stroke and soothe.  

i whimper with relief.

“Good,” he says.  “You did just fine with that.”  

His fingers slide into my pussy, and i gasp.  Deeper, deeper He thrusts, filling me.  “Hot,” He says.  “So hot.  Would you like to cum?”

“Yes! O, yes!” and i’m rocking back on His hand, pressing myself against Him like a cat in heat. It happens quickly, the rise, up, up and then ~~~~

~~~ i’m tumbling over the top and falling, shivering, trembling down, down, my body relaxing like a rag doll, bent over the bolster which has held my ass up for Him.

Quickly, He unfastens my wrists, releases me from the hooks that have held me in place.  “Hold still a minute, ” He says.  “Don’t get up yet, I want you to get up slowly.  When I tell you to.”

Obediently, i stay put, my body sensation has been focused on my ass, and then on my pussy, which is still throbbing with pleasure.  Now i begin to become aware of the rest of my body.

My arms ache, my head feels heavy.  My shoulders stiff.  i begin to wiggle a little bit, just trying to get ready to get up.

“Yes, good,” He says, and His hands caress and massage me.  

It is a few minutes before He lets me sit up, and when i do, i feel the blood rush ~ i don’t even know, is it rushing to my head, away from my head?  In any case, it leaves me a little light-headed, and He makes me sit on the side of the raised platform.

i am shivering, and He wraps a robe around me.  Makes me drink some water.  Holds me close.

i am sitting on the side of the platform, legs dangling off the end, and He stands between my legs, wraps His arms around me, pulling me close.   With my arms around Him, i nestle into His chest, cuddle against Him, sinking into His warm strength.

i am content.

i can feel the places on my ass where He  has left marks, i am aware of them, but they are not too painful.

“Good girl,” He says, still holding me close.

“I’m going to put you to bed in a minute,” He says.  “Tuck you in.”

i sigh contentedly, and would have wriggled a little closer to Him, but he pulls back a little, moves His arm to lift my chin so i am looking up at Him.

“Tomorrow,” He says, “We start your regime of discipline.  We’ll set some goals, for exercise, and for other things you need to accomplish.  We’ll work together on some of that, and some of it will be tasks for you.”

i’m excited at the idea.  i feel like my life is already on the way to being straightened out.  “Yes, Sir,” i say.

“We’ll start the morning with a spanking, just a light one, before coffee, to orient you to the day and to your place here.   You’ll be punished at night for any infractions you may have committed, for being slow to obey, or being disrespectful, just as you were punished tonight, although the consequences may vary. 

“Do you agree to this?”

“Yes, Sir,” i say, and realize my heart is completely in it.  

He nods.  “You need to thank me for your punishment tonight.”

i bring His hand to my lip, kiss it gently, and He holds the switch out. allows me to touch my lips to it.  

“Thank you, Sir,” i say, and when He gestures for me to go on, i add, “for ~ for punishing me tonight.  i ~ i ~” and it’s hard to say, and i’m not even sure it’s the right thing, but i push the words out, “i needed that, Sir.  Thank you.”

He smiles then, and it is worth it all.  He helps me down from the platform, and leans back against it himself.  i realize His cock is exposed.

“I want you to kneel down,” He says, “and kiss and caress my cock.”

Happily,  i kneel in front of Him.