Writing Fast

First of all ~ hoping that all my friends on the northeast coast came through the storms ok.  MoR had some damage to his new house, from the earthquake, which kinda breaks my heart for him, but i’m glad he’s ok.  

‘Nilla’s ok.  Sky, over at Desire to Yield,  is ok and has power back.  And some of you are probably in that area and I don’t even know it so i hope all is well with you too.

i have to be at work at 7:00 today and tomorrow ~ yes, that’s BE there, and 7:00 A.M.  So i’ll have to write fast.

i wish i could do like ‘Nilla and write my posts ahead of time, but i’ve only managed to do that once.   Maybe twice.  Out of four hundred and something posts.  Getting ahead of the game just doesn’t seem to be my style.

So this is a real life, practically vanilla post.  i went to the Fourth Sunday munch last night.  Just two months after my not-quite-bordering-on-whiny post about not being comfortable there, and i really am comfortable, and glad to see a bunch of people, and started ~and sustained ~conversations like a big girl.  Yay me!

Cool things going on ~ i am {once again} talking to someone on collarme.  Which ~ i’m always talking to people from collarme, but often they’re people who are friends rather than um, prospects.  Or candidates.  Or whatever you want to call it.  

Not wanting to jinx myself, i’ll just say i am exchanging messages with someone who seems solid.  He’s actually local too, how cool is that?  However, just say under your breath, “Very cool,” and let it go ~ no premature celebrations, ok?  

i have not heard anything else from the guy i was talking about a while back who just suddenly disappeared.  And that’s ok.  i may send him a message someday and just say hi, or not.

Two weeks til COPE.  Two weeks.  i’m pretty excited.  This time last year, i was going with Sir D, and had never been to an event before.  i can’t believe how much my life has changed in a year.

O – this was cool ~ there’s a Dom i know ~ who i actually went out with years ago when i met him on a vanilla dating site, when i was just beginning to explore kink.  I re-met him on Collarme a while back, and we had coffee one morning.  We’re still not a match, but he’s a nice guy.  

So he messages me this weekend and wants to know if i know this particular sub.  He was supposed to meet her and was wondering what she was like.

And ~ I do know her, and could tell him that she’s terrific.  Which i thought was pretty cool.  There’s something about the idea of community that always delights me.

In the same way, it tickled me to read on Sbf’s blog about the discussion she started on fetlife, and then go to fet and comment on it.  Like a “behind-the-scenes’ thrill.  

It makes me think of Sfp, and how much i enjoyed her visit here.  How much i’m looking forward to ‘Nilla’s visit.   i’m hoping that Mick and Molly, and maybe Donna and Bill, will come hang out with us too.  

And it reminds me how immeasurably much blogging and the blogging community has enriched my life.  And that just makes me smile.

Ok, i’ve babbled long enough.  That’s pretty much a view of my ~ well, my everyday life.  Not quite vanilla, not quite kink.   Lots of fun.

Collarme

i met Sir D on CM.  i met MoR on CM. 

i keep reminding myself of that, like  a litany of hope, but it’s time to hide the profile again. 

JM, the amazing analyst, has been reminding me, in his own understated way, that “no community is as safe as we want it to be.”  He says it in slightly different ways, and each time, i just agree, because of course that’s a truism, right?  

Then he starts talking about how falling in love with a community is kind of like falling in love with a person, how we project and we can only see the positive.  He was kind of relieved when i didn’t have a great time at the coffee night.  He said he thought it was the first BDSM community thing i’d done that i didn’t love.

And i knew what he meant – i thought it was kind of healthy too. 

But i was reminded of what he’s been saying again a couple of times this weekend.  i was IM’ing with someone i’d met on CM who’s local.  i was on the verge of having dinner with him, when i realized that he totally expected that he was coming home with me after.   That he was surprised to hear that wasn’t my plan.

He says:  “But then where will i get to spank you?  Will I have to get a room just so I can spank you?”   As if that were a given.

Honestly, i had to specifically explain that while spanking might have been a possiblity, it was off the table now, and so was dinner.

Then, i was IM’ing with someone else, who isn’t local, and we were discussing different kinds of play.  He too seemed to be taking it very for-granted that if he were around, we’d be playing.  When i pointed out this wasn’t necessarily true,

He says:  Well, if we were around each other, i wouldn’t allow you to be hesitant. 

Me:  What do you mean?

Him:  I’d just make you do what i want.

 Me:  What do you mean???

Him:  I mean, I’d have to just physically take you and force you to do what I want.

Me:  But then – that wouldn’t be kink or BDSM, that would be sexual assault.

Him:  Don’t you want to be assaulted?

Me:  No, actually, i don’t want to be assaulted.

Him:  Well, I still say if we were around each other we would have already played.

Me:  i don’t think so.  Even less likely now.

Him:  Ok.  Well, let’s not belabor the point.

Laughing – ok, no “point belaboring” here.  But that was the last conversation we’ll have.  After all, he literally told me that, given the opportunity, he wouldn’t care if i consented or not.   i can take a hint – you don’t have to send me a telegram.  

It reminded me a little bit of – do youall remember the TV show L.A. Law?  I loved that show.  Well, on one episode Susan Dey {i think that was her name} agrees to represent this young guy who was accused of date rape.  She only agrees to do it because she meets him and totally believes he’s innocent.

So she’s prepared to mount this great defense, and right before it goes to trial, she has him describe to her exactly what happened that night.  And as he describes the events:

“So then she did like women do sometimes, she started saying ‘no,’ you know how women are, and I told her to stop, I told her to be quiet, but she kept saying it, you know, it was all part of it, she liked what I was doing, but she was getting loud and I didn’t want other people to hear her saying no, so I just put my hand over her mouth…”

 i remember realizing, and, even worse, watching Susan Dey’s character realize, that not only had he raped the young woman, he really didn’t even quite realize that he had.

i’ve always remembered that.

But really, with the guy who thought i wanted to be assaulted, the real problem, the clincher, was his “Let’s not belabor the point.” 

After all, at one time i thought that MoR was kind of like that – couldn’t distinguish between rape and dominance.  But MoR didn’t dismiss my concerns, didn’t belittle my need to talk about it.  He treated me with respect for my feelings and thoughts on-line, and of course, i came to see that he was safe.

Sigh.

So at some point last night, i thought:

“Well, you are on a kinky sex dating site, what do you expect?  Why would they respect you?  They don’t know you.  Why are you surprised?  Here you are, talking about spanking and other kinky sex things – of course they think you’re easy, that you’d play with anybody anytime.”

And i felt a twinge of shame.

Fortunately, feeling shame is a warning signal for me.  A long time ago,  i read that:

“Guilt is what you feel when you’ve done something wrong.

Shame is what you feel when someone else has done something wrong and you’re taking responsibility for it.”

That definition has given me lots of “aha moments” both for myself and other people.

So i corrected myself. 

Everyone deserves respect. 

Part of the point of the BDSM community is that we understand that one can be submissive, can be into cock worship and spankings and all kinds of things and still deserve respect.  They do not need to know me personally to know that.  i don’t have to “earn” that respect – it’s a starting place for all of us.

It that’s not the starting place for them, that’s about them, not me.

Whew.

That feels better. 

i wonder – i think maybe – this is what JM meant when he talked about the community not being as safe as i think.  The danger is not just physical, not just outside me.  There is danger of me backing myself into my own corners in my own mind.

And i’m still off collarme for a while.