It isn’t fair.
i didn’t mean it that way.
i did remember. i knew.
i just thought… i just thought maybe…
O.
Five?
For not remembering?
But ~ But, Sir, i ~
And more?
Arguing? No ~ i ~ i ~
was just saying ~
just meant ~
O.
Five more?
Um,
{but it’s not fair, that’s not what i meant, you don’t understand, it wasn’t what you think!}
Um,
Yes.
Sir.
The first text said, “On my way now.”
The next one said, “Punishment nite, your ass is mine.”
That got my attention. i was already focused when i heard His car pull up.
i was so glad to see Him. i greeted Him at the door, wrapped my arms around Him. We have both been close to death lately; He’s mourned the loss of several young men He knows, and i had been grieving my friends’ baby.
In some relationships, He might have held me for a while, encouraged me to talk, offered sympathy and concern. Instead, He let me fix Him some coffee while He explained my punishment.
“It’s not so much for the things you might have done ~ maybe not calling me Sir when you should have ~ it’s not for things like that. It’s for the things you’ve done that you can’t control.”
i listen attentively, quizzical.
“It’s for the times you doubted yourself that you shouldn’t have,” He says. “When you had no reason to doubt yourself. It’s for the times you were overly confident, maybe vain. The times you should have doubted yourself, should have thought twice, and didn’t.”
It’s for other things too, He says ~ for things i’ve done wrong that no one even knows about, and for things i’ve taken responsibility for, accepted blame for, that weren’t mine to take, that weren’t my fault at all.
And when it is time, He leads me down the hall with one hand, carrying His canes in the other. Bends me over the end of the bed, pants around my knees.
It isn’t a harsh punishment. He names what the strokes are for as He goes along ~ 2 for self-doubt, 5 for saying yes when i should have said no, and so on. He expects me to keep my hands stretched up over my head, and my feet on the floor.
It isn’t harsh, but i feel it, and there is a welt or two when He’s done.
And a sense of relief.
That pesky little issue i’d apologized for more than once? Gone. O, more than gone. And maybe some other excessive guilt things too.
And the heaviness of heart i’d been feeling all day? Somehow, it lifted that too. i am still sad, still grieving, but lighter somehow. Better able to manage, to absorb the loss, to let the pain become part of me.
So it might sound strange, that He would punish me for the things i can’t control. And maybe it wouldn’t be the right punishment for anyone else. But it was what i needed.
Thinking about it this morning, i want to ~ i need to~ go tell Him, “Thank you, Sir.”
The weekend was too short.
There is too much going on in my life. Some good, some not so good. Although ~
~ as a preacher i know says ~
“It’s hard to tell your good days from your bad days,
til all your days come in.”
But i’m feeling overwhelmed already and the week is just beginning.
Of course it doesn’t help that my taxes are still not done. Um, that i haven’t done my taxes yet. It’s not like i’m just waiting for them to “get done.” i will need to get my ass in gear and do them. Within the next week.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
When i feel overwhelmed, i want to escape. That’s not really a helpful response, since it will just make things worse. i know this.
i know that i need to get busy doing things and that as i check them off my to-do list, i’ll feel better.
And i feel frozen sometimes.
i want ~
**********************************
“Come here,” He says.
Reluctantly, i move away from the computer. “But i’m blogging,” i say, trying not to whine.
He doesn’t respond until i’m there, standing in front of Him, feeling foolish now. He raises an eyebrow, and i kneel, moving into first position easily.
“What have you gotten done so far?” He asks.
i can’t meet His eyes. “Um,” i say. “Not so many things. Some.”
He sounds patient. “There were eight things on your list. Many of them relatively quick and easy. How many did you get done this weekend?”
“Um,” i’m stalling, “um, i’m not sure, i think, um…i think two of them. Sir.”
“You think?”
“Well, i know. Two of them. i only got two of them done.”
He is standing then, before i know it. The list in His hand. “Which ones?” He asks.
i look at the list, feeling overwhelmed and sad. i name the two i’ve done.
“And the rest have not been completed?” He asks.
i shake my head, “No, Sir.”
“Up,” He says, waiting til i’m on my feet before He fists His hand in my hair.
He moves me quickly down the hall, bends me over the bed.
Pulls my pants down so my ass is exposed.
“Six items left undone.” He says. “Is that correct?”
“Yes, Sir,” i say, my voice half-muffled by the bedclothes.
“That’s six with the cane,” He says, and His voice is stern but not harsh. i’m thinking He’s letting me off easy, smiling a little, i can do six… when He adds, “Six to the second power, of course. What is that? How much is that?”
And my mind is blank for a moment, i can’t even think what that means, six to the second power? O, wait, yes i do know, that’s just six times six, and six times six is ~
Before i can say it, He says, “Thirty-six Plus six for not answering. How much is that?”
And my brain is scrambling to keep up, thirty-six, yes, plus six, is ~ o, you have to carry, right? And six plus six is um, twelve, it’s twelve, yes carry one, so that’s um
“Forty-two,” He says. “And I’ll stop there, your math skills would get you in way too deep if I kept going. And that’s not what this is about.”
“You asked me for help,” He says. “Wanted me to help you stay on track with getting things done. As you count this first set of six, think about the purpose of this punishment.”
And He begins…
*************************************
i have that fantasy, but do i really want that? Or do i just need to do better myself? Learn to discipline myself more effectively? Use my time more wisely?
i don’t know…
“
On Facebook today, i posted this quote:
“Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.”
― C.G. Jung
Only after i’d posted it did i realize how odd a quote it is for someone who’s into TTWD. How do i believe that quote and want a power exchange relationship at the same time?
It makes no sense.
But if it’s true that i believe both, then it does make sense and is worth looking at. It unfolds quickly ~
Jung says that power is “the shadow” of love. In his beliefs, everything has a “shadow,” a dark underbelly, its opposite. When we ignore the shadow side of something, we’re at risk of having it take over.
For example – “mother love” is a big Jungian concept. Warm, nurturing, embracing, all good, right?
The shadow side is “mother love” that devours its young, that doesn’t allow them to separate, to become their own individual selves. If you only know about the positive side of a mother’s love, and don’t recognize the presence of the shadow, then you won’t recognize when it’s influencing you, either as a mother or as a son or daughter.
Like an object and its shadow, they are connected permanently. They’re not two different things, the shadow isn’t something to get rid of, together they create a whole.
Most often, in the mundane world, people don’t want to see ‘the shadow” side of things. Don’t want to talk about it.
In TTWD, we acknowledge the shadow. We explore it. We embrace it.
And by doing those things, we begin to get some understanding of the thing we’re looking at. Jung also says:
“Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries.”
At the heart of BDSM is the integration of the contraries ~ pain and pleasure, slavery and freedom, power and love. Opposites, and different sides of the same coin. We take them out, turn them this way and that, play with them, examine them, revel in them.
No wonder TTWD have such an appeal, hold so much fascination for us.
***************************************
On a whole different note, {maybe} i watched some videos of spanking last night. Well, just short clips, not like a whole video. It amazes me sometimes how much i can get turned on by so little.
Like my own little fantasies…
********************************************
“Come here,” He says.
Somber. i know i’ve done something wrong.
i stand in front of Him, eyes downcast.
“Did you make the appointment today for your annual check-up at the doctor?”
My heart races ~ omg, no. No, i didn’t, and He clearly reminded me to this morning. Damn. Why didn’t i do it?
The silence hangs in the air a moment too long, and “I didn’t think so,” He says.
“Bend over the arm of the couch,” He says. “Take off your jeans first.”
The air is cool on my legs, they feel exposed, but so does my ass, even though my panties are still on.
“Push that ass out,” He says. “You know you have this coming. I specifically told you to make the appointment today. Right?”
“Yes, Sir,” i say, my voice slightly muffled since i’m bent over.
“Ok.”
And He walks away. i’m left waiting, lost in remorse, not just because i’m about to get spanked, but ~
i had asked for help. i had told Him i’d been having trouble with procrastinating, just simple things that didn’t take that long to do.
i’d made a list of 5 or 6 things that i’d been putting off. Making my annual doctor’s appointment was just one of the things on the list, but it was the first He’d picked.
“That’s a priority,” He’d said.
WHY didn’t i do it?
Still bent over the arm of the couch, the more i think about it, the worse i feel. The very first day, and i’ve already failed. i shouldn’t have asked Him. Now i’ve just let Him down, let us both down. He won’t even want to help anymore.
i hear Him walk back into the room, He sets something down on the table.
He is behind me.
His hand grasps my panties, yanks them down so my ass is exposed.
“Open your legs,” He says. “Wider.”
And He walks away.
i wait, even more exposed and vulnerable. i don’t need to be told to think about what i’ve done. i can’t think about anything else.
When He comes back, i sense Him behind me more than hear Him.
“You know why you’re being punished?” He says.
“Yes, Sir. i was supposed to make my doctor’s appointment, and i didn’t.”
“You were supposed to do the most important thing on the list of things you’ve been neglecting,” He says. “That’s not acceptable. I’m disappointed in you.”
My heart sinks, i want to cry. He goes on ~
“I’m going to give you 5 with the riding crop for punishment,”
i think, o, that’s not too bad ~
“And 5 more to help you remember to do it tomorrow,” which is worse. “You may count out loud.”
“Yes, Sir,” i say.
i hear Him tapping the crop against His leg, i’m braced.
Then it whooshes through the air, and i manage to hold still and not jerk away anticipating it, but after it lands, O! Omg, it hurts so bad… and i almost forget, but “ONE!” i say, and then, “Thank you, Sir,”
You know, i do appreciate it. i’m glad that He cares enough to take the time to ~~ “TWO! Thank you, Sir” ~~ to discipline me. Even though i may feel less glad when He gets to 10.
“THREE! Thank you, Sir.” My ass is burning. The third one landed crossways over the first two. Omg. Can i take ~ how many more left?
“FOUR! Thank you, Sir.”
Tomorrow, i’ll make that damn doctor’s appointment. For sure.
The questions started with:
• Are there kinds of punishment that are appropriate for public and/or vanilla punishment?
• What’s the difference between punishment and a mind fuck? Is it ever all right to use punishment as a mind fuck?
• What’s the difference between punishment and play?
• What makes a punishment effective? What makes it ineffective? Is ineffective punishment worse than none at all?
• What kind of punishment is most effective, physical or emotional?
• Does punishment always have to be fair? Is harsh punishment for minor infractions acceptable?
and ended with:
• How do you get out of a punishment that has become more than you can handle?
• What makes good punishment?
• When should you punish and when should you let it go?
• What if you feel like you have gone too far? Made a mistake?
• Does the age, sex, or experience level play a role in how and/or when you punish?
• Should punishment cause physical and / or emotional pain?
• What is the difference between punishment and discipline?
• How do you let go or get over something you have done wrong?
• Do you use punishment to change behaviors?
• Does there have to be a reason for punishment?
Needless to say, we didn’t cover all of them. But it was a great discussion.
We break up into groups ~ Doms take one corner, switches have their own area, and submissives are grouped in the center of the room. There are probably twice as many of us.
We had a lot of fun.
This morning i’m still pondering some of the questions ~ and answers. The line between punishment and abuse is pretty fine, and we struggled to find that distinction.
At the other end of that spectrum is the difference between punishment and “funishment.” i guess it looks like this:
Funishment ~~~~~~~~~~Punishment~~~~~~~~~~~~Abuse
We agreed that before punishment, there needed to be a relationship, and a structure for discipline. Lots of discussion, and the Dom needed to know the submissive well enough to recognize triggers.
We were against being ignored as a punishment, and generally agreed that if it went on too long, we’d leave.
We talked about the cathartic value of punishment.
The on-line dictionary provides this definition of catharsis:
a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art
b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
Punishment allows us to purge our emotions and let go of the rumination about what we’ve done wrong ~ that “beating ourselves up” that can be so damaging.
i don’t have a bunch of experience with punishment, but for me the value is in the acknowledgment that i did something wrong, being able to pay the price for it, and knowing that it’s over. That i’ve been forgiven.
That made me wonder, do Doms need some kind of forgiveness, something to close that loop for them?
Mr. Michael said yes. He said he likes to be thanked after he’s punished someone.
That caused a little consternation among the submissives at my end of the table, and even an, “i don’t think i could! Not right away!”
But, Mr. Michael said, it was to acknowledge that he’d taken the time and made the effort to provide punishment. And i think i get that. That makes sense.
A “thank you” acknowledges that i recognize i did something that earned punishment, and that i appreciate you following through with enforcing the limit, backing up the rule. It acknowledges the attention and the caring that goes into it.
Beyond the “ONE, thank you, Sir ~ TWO, thank you, Sir~” it is a sincere acknowledgement that we recognize the value of punishment, and appreciate the provider.
You know, i can’t imagine Sir X punishing me. It’s not like we have a bunch of rules and protocols, and He is the most reasonable of men.
And after all, i’m a good girl ~ i am!
But if he ever does, i’m sure i will have deserved it, and will try to remember to appreciate it. To thank Him afterwards.
And i wonder, just a little bit, why that idea actually turns me on.
He pulls me out of the corner. i’m awkward, my pants and panties around my knees are sliding down and i don’t know whether to try to stop them or let them go.
“Get out of those,” He says, solving that dilemma. i let them drop and step out of them, leaving myself naked from the waist down.
He guides me, one hand still wrapped in my hair. In front of the couch, He pushes gently, prompting me to kneel on the floor.
“That’s fine,” He says with a nod, sitting on the couch in front of me. He looks at me a minute, and i want to squirm under the scrutiny, but manage to hold still.
“Tell me,” He says.
And for a second, i can’t think at all. My mind is just a big panicky blank.
He’s watching me, intent, but patient.
It begins to come back to me, but i’m having trouble saying anything.
i swallow hard.
“Do you want some water?” He offers, and gratefully i drink from the glass He hands me.
That helps me find my words, but it’s still hard. “i’m sorry,” i say, “really sorry that i broke the rule, um, the rule about not having an ~ an orgasm without permission. I know it’s important for us to have rules ~ i wanted rules ~ ” and now my words flow easier, “because it makes me feel closer to you.”
And then it’s hard again, “When i break the rule, it makes it look like i don’t care,” i look up at Him, “and i do care. Very much.”
There are tears in my eyes, i’m blinking them back, and He reaches out and touches my face. “I know you care,” He says. “And you know I need to enforce the rules. You won’t be able to trust me otherwise.”
“Yes, Sir,” i say, and i can’t say anything else.
“It won’t always be a physical punishment,” He says. “But this time I think you need that release.”
i nod. i think He’s right, i think it will make me feel better, in some strange way.
“I’m going to use the shoe horn,” He says. He gives me a second to absorb that, then adds, “It’s going to hurt. You know I’m not lying about that,” and He smiles a little. i can’t help it, i smile back. i do know ~ when He says something’s going to hurt, it really does!
“In a minute, I want you to bend over the arm of the couch here. I want your hands right here.” He stands, indicating where He wants me, gestures for me to get up.
i get to my feet, place my hands where He wants them, so i am bent over, leaving my ass exposed, of course. He doesn’t touch it or stroke it as He usually would, and that feels more ominous than anything else that has happened.
He is rooting through His bag, and i wait.
Then He is behind me.
“Eight,” He says. “I’m going to give you eight hard ones. I want you to count, and yes, I want to hear “thank you, Sir,” after each one. So that’s ‘One, thank you, Sir; Two, thank you, Sir,’ and so on. Is that clear?”
“Yes, Sir,” i say, and my voice sounds little bitty to me.
“Tell me,” He says. “Tell me what you’re going to do.”
“i’m going to count, Sir,” my voice is still soft, but loud enough to hear, i think. “i’m going to count one, two, three and so on, and say thank you Sir each time, Sir.”
“Good girl,” He says, and i’m still smiling to myself over that when the first one lands.
i gasp.
“O! One, thank you, Sir.”
The second follows quickly, and the third. They land on both ass cheeks. Each one is a little above or below the last one, but there is some overlap.
The fourth one, and it takes me a minute to say, “Four, thank you, Sir.”
“Breathe,” He says. “Half-way there.”
And five lands, omigod… five, thank you, Sir…
My ass is on fire. i keep lifting my leg, my right leg, bending it up and putting it back down, like that’s going to help. And i’m making little whimpering noises, i can’t seem to stop.
SIX!
omigod, omigod, omigod, six, thank you, Sir. That’s when it melts, that something inside me that resists the pain, it just melts away.
“Two more,” He says. “Two more and we’re done.”
And even though it hurts more than i thought it would, more than i thought it could, i know i can do two more, and really, i’m glad to.
“Yes, Sir,” i say.
And Seven lands, O! He brings it down so it crosses the other ones, and it hurts so bad, really, i think there should be flames coming off my ass, like a cartoon, and it’s ok, “Seven ~ thank you Sir” i say and then
OMIGOD. Eight. O. O. O. DAMN.
“Eight. Thank you Sir.”
i feel so good – my ass is still burning, but i feel ~ i don’t know ~ i feel cleansed.
“Stay there a minute,” He says. “Don’t try to get up until I tell you to.”
i’m quite happy to stay there, my legs feel a little wobbly anyhow. i can hear Him moving around behind me, but it seems very far away.
Then He’s beside me, His arms slowly pulling me up, and i am a little dizzy, but He holds me up. Looks at me, smiling just a little.
“Are you going to be having orgasms without permission again any time soon?” He asks.
“No, Sir,” i say vehemently, and bury my head in His shoulder, wrap my arms tight around Him.
“Come here,” He says, and He pulls me down on the couch, so we are wrapped together.
“Good girl,” He says.
So, there i was, all complacently looking forward to my evening…
laughing…
Did i think this was some vanilla relationship? Omigoodness…
i got an email from Sir X that has put my day into a whole different perspective.
He had not made a big deal about my failure to follow directions Saturday afternoon, other than referencing it a couple of times. But apparently He has lost some of His confidence in my ability to follow instructions so, um,
um,
He’s going to punish me.
Gulp.
But i’m fine with that, i think that will help me feel better, but um,
i don’t know what He’s going to do. We’ve never talked about punishment. i have no idea what to expect.
So i’m a little anxious about that, but then He says ~
~ we’re going to have a geography lesson.
Geography.
i don’t DO geography, youall know that, o, yikes.
What kind of lesson???? i don’t know…
So i’m a little anxious about that, and then He says
~ He’s going to do a body inspection. Um, yes, my body.
Orifices will be probed.
i should make sure my ears are clean ~
~ and i have this moment of panic, does He think my ears are dirty? of course i’ll clean them ~
~~~~OMG ~~~~~~
it’s not my ears i have to worry about.
OMG.
Alone, waiting for The Major, and the 64 lashes with the switch, i fret and worry. My ass raised and exposed, pussy on display, it is clear that i’m open to whatever He brings.
What if i can’t take it? What if I just can’t stand it? Would He really make me leave?
What if He injures me, leaves me too hurt to function? Leaves scars. Maybe i should leave. This is kind of crazy anyhow. What am i thinking?
But i don’t want to leave. i want to see what happens next.
But what if i can’t take it?
And i go on like that for what seems like a long time, going round and round in my head. Finally, i hear footsteps ~ His footsteps.
My heart had been racing, now i can barely breathe. i can feel Him behind me.
He runs His hands over my ass, down the outside of my thighs, up the inner thigh. Spreads my cheeks further, making me blush as He examines me there.
Touches me between my legs, opening the outer lips, exposing my clit, which He does not touch. Of course. He does dip a finger into me, apparently to check if i’m wet, which i am. Dripping wet.
i would have rocked back on His finger, my hips wanted to, but, “Don’t. Move.” He says, and i freeze.
His hands travel over my back, pressing down the small of my back, which raises my ass a little further.
Around to my breasts, pinching the nipples. Of course. Hard enough that i whimper, and He says, “Sh.”
He pushes my head down further, so my forehead rests on the floor. Places my hands, my arms, so i am a little more stretched out.
i am reminded of the Fair, times i’ve watched them showing the goats. i’ve watched the owners poke and prod their animals into the presentation they want.
i know how they must feel.
Then i hear the switch ~ whooshing through the air. Whistling through the air? Searching for the right word to describe it, i think, “you’ll quit worrying about that in a minute here,” and i tense, waiting for it to land on my ass.
Instead, He begins to trace my body with it, following the path His hands had taken.
As He caresses my ass, between my ass cheeks, i notice it feels damp. He comments on this, explaining that it has been soaking in water since i picked it that afternoon.
“That makes it less likely to get brittle and break before we’re finished,” He says. “And of course being wet makes it hurt more.”
i’m stunned because, really, did it need to hurt MORE?
i want to say something, want to protest, but i am can no more talk than i could fly right now. i can only wait, receptive and still.
When He has traced my body with the switch, touched my nipples, my belly, each part of me, He says,
“I want you to raise your head. Don’t move the rest of your body. Just your head.”
Slowly, being careful not to disturb my position, i raise my head.
“You are to kiss my hand,” He says, “The hand that’s going to punish you.”
i am amazed, and frightened, to discover that i’m glad to. i caress His palm with my lips, and He moves it away.
“Now the switch,” He says. He holds it to my lips, and lets me caress it as well. As He removes it, His hand fists in my hair, and He presses my head back to the ground.
“Good,” He says. Then,
“I told you it was lucky that you rolled doubles, right? You know, usually rolling doubles means you roll again and add that to your original number.”
i think i make a noise, a tiny noise.
He goes on, “But in this case, by my rules today, rolling doubles means ‘double or nothing.’ You’ll still be punished, your original eight, but maybe not times eight. What’s your preference, slut?”
i open my mouth to say eight only, not times eight, not 64, just eight ~~
and i’m appalled to hear myself say,
“Whatever You want, Sir.”
i could have bit my tongue off, what the hell is wrong with me, what am i thinking??? No, i don’t want 64, no, no, no.
But ~ “O, good girl,” He says. He strokes my hair, and a shiver runs through me, my pussy clenches.
His voice is gentle, “Eight,” He says. “We’re not about extreme pain tonight, this is just teaching. Wanting you to learn your place, to begin to learn obedience. I can teach you that with eight.”
His voice seems far away, but the relief spreads through my body. i can trust Him. He won’t damage me.
He places a hand between my shoulder blades, and i hear the whistling sound and ~~~
i scream as a terrible stinging, burning ~~ O ~~ it lands on my ass and ~~ O, it feels like a thousand whips all concentrated in that one line of pain. O.
“One,” He says. “You are to count ~ that’s one.” i am completely distracted, but somehow, i manage to say it,
“One,” and then i remember to add, “Thank you, Sir.”
He is tracing paths on my ass and back with the tip of the switch, moves it around and caresses my pussy with it. i moan, and would press myself against it, but,
“Hold still, slut,” He says, and before i even process that,
“Whoosh!” It lands again, this time on the back of my thighs.
i cry out, and my head pops up, i can’t help it. His hand on the back of my head presses it back down, but i’m worried, i don’t know if i can keep it down.
Then – quickly, “Two,” i say, “Two, thank You, Sir.”
“Just in time,” He says. “Lucky for you. Can’t have that head coming up though. But don’t worry, if it happens again, I’ll make sure it stays in position.”
This frightens me, and makes me grateful at the same time. As the third one lands, i manage to keep my head down ~ but my hands fly up behind me.
Sheesh.
He laughs. “No, no hands either, slut.”
“Three!” i cry out, “Three ,thank you Sir. And i’m sorry. i don’t mean to move.’
“No,” He says, “I know that. That’s ok, I don’t mind helping you.”
Deftly, He attaches my collar to a ring in the floor, repeats the process with my wrist cuffs. Now i am secure, there won’t be any unwanted flailing around.
“I think that should do it,” He says, “But let’s try a lick just for practice. You don’t have to count, don’t count this one.”
“OMIGOD!” The switch lands, i cry out, and that is all i can do. My head and my hands stay in place.
“Good,” He says. “I won’t gag you tonight, I want to hear your screams, but try not to make too much fuss, make an effort to accept the punishment quietly. Except for counting, of course. Do you know what number we’re on now?”
Panicked, i can’t think, i don’t know, i don’t know ~ three or four? which is it?
“Do you know?” He asks again, the switch tapping lightly on my leg.
“O, Sir, i’m ~ i’m not sure ~ four, i think? Or three?”
“Four,” He says, “Four is next,” and the switch taps harder on my thigh as He counts, “One, two, three, four. Are you ready?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Ask me for it.”
Omigod, i can’t believe He’s doing this, omigod, but i force the words out, “Please, Sir, may i have another? Please.”
The switch lands again, right on the spot where my ass and thighs converge, and i scream. Ah ~ oh, that hurts so bad. If my hands were free, i’d rub it, rub some of the sting away, omigod ~
“FOUR! Thank you, Sir.” i remember.
“Ask for the next one,” He says. “And next time, ask without being told.”
“Yes, Sir,” i say, “i’m ready,” but i hear my voice tremble, and the bottom just dropped out of my stomach.
“Good girl,” He says, and then ~ when i’m not expecting it ~ He smacks my ass, but not too hard, and it sends a wave of lust through me. My pussy clenches.
He nods to Diana and Selena, “Take her to the study, please, I’ll see our guests out.”
i’m so grateful i could cry, i had been afraid they would stay to watch me be punished, and i can’t help smiling with relief. Then ~
~ “Well, wait,” He says. “Let’s have her roll the dice now, that way you can go ahead and put her in position, and she’ll know what to expect.”
My heart is pounding; i watch Him open a velvet pouch. He pours the dice into His hand and gives them to me ~ two of them.
That had not occurred to me.
7 x 8 is 56. 10 x 8 is 80. And i can’t even think what 8 x 12 is right now, although i knew it earlier. 8 x 11 is 88.
96. 12 x 8 is 96. i can’t ~ i couldn’t take 96 hits with the switch, i just couldn’t. 96? i’d die.
He hands me the dice.
They feel hard, i can feel the indentations, the sharp corners. Selena is beside me, she’s holding a box, lined in felt, and somehow i know, without being told, that this is to roll the dice in. She sets it down on the table.
“Go ahead,” He says, nodding to me with an encouraging smile.
The other girl is watching me closely, the other man is too. i take the few steps toward the table, look at the dice in my hand ~ my hand poised above the box ~~
~~”Now,” He says ~~
and i let them go.
Hear them bounce off the sides of the box, watch them wobble in the bottom of the box, as if in slow motion ~
~~ settling at last into a four ~ and another four.
Eight.
i rolled an eight. What is that? Omigod. 64. That’s 64. Better than 96, but it’s 64. i picture myself counting ~ no, really, i can’t do 64.
He smiles, “Nice job. 8 times 8 is?”
And i already know, “64, Sir,” i say and my voice is trembling, and maybe whiny, and scared for sure.
He kisses me, a deep kiss that leaves me breathless. Nips my lower lip with His teeth.
“Don’t worry,” He says, “You can do it, I’ll help you. You rolled doubles too, didn’t you? That’s always lucky. Now, go with Selena and Diana and let them get you ready.”
The women lead me away.
They take me back to the room with the raised platform, where we had been before. They show me how to kneel on the platform with my ass raised high, my head low.
They slide a ~ some kind of pillow, but it’s very firm and large ~ under my belly to keep me in position. They spread my legs, and attach the ankle cuffs to rings in the floor.
Securely fastened that way, they leave my arms free, but show me how to place them.
When i’m arranged to their satisfaction, they caution me not to move. “He’ll check your position when He comes, I know you don’t want to add to your punishment,” says Selena.
And they are gone. i’m alone in this room, ass to the door, all open and exposed to anyone who might walk in. Waiting for The Major to come use the switch on me.
64 times.
And yet ~ i don’t want to leave. In my heart, i just want this to be over so i can please Him again.
*************************************
i hate to leave our girl here, but i got to go, i’m going to the Fair today. YAY! A whole day of delight.
This time last year, i had an assignment to get a yardstick at the Fair, for Sir D. You can read about it here, if you like. Those were some fun times…
So tomorrow, hopefully, we’ll get through this punishment thing so she and The Major can move on to what they really need to do.
And even through the pleasures of the day, i’ll be holding my friends in the Northeast in my heart, hoping you and yours ride out Hurricane Irene safely.
i love it when i find things on facebook that fit here. i thought you all might enjoy this – I laughed out loud.
And thought you might enjoy this picture i took, which i thought was kind of sexy:
Beyond that – well, you know – webcam, conversations, all of that is still going on with GW.
So let’s talk about punishment –
What do you think the role of punishment is in a D/s dynamic?
i think it’s symbolic. i argued that at the discussion last Sunday, maybe too vehemently. But the idea that punishment is what makes us not do something again seems ridiculous to me.
It doesn’t work that way with children – they don’t change behavior because they’ve been punished, why would it work that way with subs or slaves? Or – if they do, it’s because they’re scared. Which means they’re not invested in the behavior change, they just want to avoid punishment.
That’s not to say that punishment doesn’t serve a purpose. i believe it sends a message, and i believe it should be a clear message.
Subs all know that if you have a good relationship, it is a punishment to know that you’ve disappointed your Dom, that you’ve let Him/Her down. What happens after that is symbolic.
The punishment says, “You’ve let me down – don’t do it again!” It may serve as a powerful reminder not to do it again because it affects emotional mind.
If you know rationally that you made a mistake and shouldn’t do it again, that’s one thing. If you feel it – if emotional mind is engaged – if there’s the visceral feeling of having failed, of having not lived up to expectations – the lesson stands out.
The point of punishment is to engage emotional mind in the experience. So instead of just knowing in your head that you don’t want to make a particular mistake again, you feel it through all of your being. That is the most powerful form of learning.
So yes, if somebody beats you half to death, you’ll feel it. {Although at some point, you’ll probably dissociate, which defeats the purpose too} But it may be just as effective for them to say, “You’ve let me down. Write an essay about what you did wrong.” Or “Go to the corner and think about it.” Or – possibly worst, “I’m not going talk to you for x amount of time.”
Extreme physical punishment – or any extreme – may be more likely to lead to emotional distancing, which can be counter productive. It’s not the severity of the punishment that matters – it’s the symbolic severity What’s important is that the sub gets the message on a deep emotional level.
Which leads me down some different metal paths – punishment also allows a sub to get closure on what was done wrong, to feel forgiven. There is value in that, and that may be a topic worth exploring.
And – we teach children to obey is so that they will survive childhood and eventually be able to function independently. With subs/slaves, that’s not really the goal. So what is the point? What is TTWD about on that level?
And – thinking symbolically – lots of the “do this” things that Doms want are literally fairly pointless – they don’t serve a real purpose. But symbolically, they’re very powerful.
So, just for example, if GW wanted me to use that red lipstick in the picture on my nipples – well, i guess that might serve an aesthetic purpose. But there’s no real value to the activity. No worthwhile function.
On the other hand, it might feel very submissive to obey a directive like that.
And sexy.
Know what i mean?
aisha 