Archive | January, 2012

Making a List…

31 Jan

…checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty and ni ~~~~~ 

~ ~~  O.  Hi, there.  No, not that kind of list.  Yes, i know i can’t sing, sorry.  

No, my list of things to do, things to pack.  My Winter Wickedness list.

~ Get my nails done ~ i’m starting to worry about when i’m going to have time to do that.  i’m having dinner with Sir tonight ~~

Yes, YAY!!!  That’s a little celebration all by itself.  His work has eased up, for the moment anyhow, and dinner is in my cards for the evening.  

But that means by the time i get off work, this won’t be a productive evening, probably.   Not complaining,  just saying.

  Ok, what else?

~ Pick up jeans i had shortened.  They won’t be ready til Wednesday, so i’ll have to do that Wednesday night, cause if i wait til after work Thursday, i don’t get off til 7:00, and they’ll be closed.  And by the time i get out there and get the jeans, will it be too late to get my nails done?  

Sigh, i don’t know.  i gotta work the nails in somewhere.  It’ll have to be Wednesday, Thursday night gets too late too fast.  Ok, jeans and nails Wednesday.

~ Pack, i have to pack.  Which means i have to:

~ Do laundry.  For one person who doesn’t have that many clothes in the first place, it seems like all i ever do is laundry.  But there it is.  More laundry.

~ Decide what to wear.  This is the worst.  Or the best.   And really, i just need to talk to Sir about it tonight, because i think He’ll have preferences, so there’s not much point in me wondering about it now.  

What else?  Well, this morning i need to go straighten up around here ~ straighten, not clean ~ cause my house keeper is coming today.  {Yay!}

O ~

~ Clean out my car!  That’s a big one.  i’m driving, which is cool, but my car tends to be on the, um, messy side.  And sometimes, when i’m having passengers, i just shove everything in the trunk.

But, we’re gonna use the trunk, so that has to be unpacked first, so to speak.  Of course, i can always do that Friday morning.  “Last minute” is my middle name.  

And yes, i really am just kinda talking to myself here, so i guess i’d better get back to work…

….making a list, checking it twice….

How Many Days?

30 Jan

Ok, how do you count how many days left til you do something?

Do you count the day you’re in?  Do you count the day you’re doing it?

i think there’s 4 days left til WW ~ Today, Tuesday,Wednesday, and Thursday, right??  And today only counts cause it’s before dawn.  By tonight, i’ll be thinking “3 more days!”  That’s right, isn’t it?

It’s been a week today since i saw Sir.  i know, all you people in LDR’s are playing tiny violins and rolling your eyes at me.  Sorry.

But i miss Him!  {She says, with just a twinge of a whine in her voice… or maybe that’s just her country accent.}

i miss the way He wraps His arms around me when He comes through the front door.  He pulls me into Him and i can feel that He’s glad to see me.

i miss His mouth.  He kisses me a thousand different ways ~ sweet, passionate, gentle, firm, fierce, tender ~ and every one is a pleasure.  He kisses my lips, my face, my neck.  His mouth covers my nipples, licks, tugs and pulls, bites, but not with His teeth too much.  

He explores my most intimate parts with His mouth, spreading my legs wide, splayed out for His pleasure and mine…

i miss His hands on my body.  On my arms, on my nipples, probing between my legs.  i miss His hands.  

i miss touching Him, stroking Him with my hands, feeling His skin, exploring Him, with touch that’s light and feathery,  or massaging, rubbing,..

i miss kissing Him, caressing His body with my lips.  And my mouth.  i miss kneeling at His feet, tucked in between His legs.  i think i miss that most of all.


i miss talking to Him. Talking about the day, our work, family, philosophy, life… He listens intently, holding my hand in His, attends to me so that his attention is an embrace itself.

He makes me laugh.  He tells great stories, funny stories which have a point and a purpose too.  

He is a wise man.

He doesn’t have rules for me, and i thought i wanted rules, but maybe i don’t need them.   

i am naturally respectful ~ not just to Him, but in general.  i’m a Mistress of the art of disagreeing respectfully, most of the time.  And i rarely disagree with Him anyhow.

i’m already eager to please.

i don’t know.  The rules would have to be fairly arbitrary, and i don’t think He is interested in that.  But ~~

~~ it’s early days.  Five months or so.  Next weekend will be the first time we’ve slept together.

Which brings me back to where i started ~

Four more days.

i can’t wait.


A Moment of Happy

29 Jan

A passionate moment, tied, hand and foot, unable to move, being ravished by my Sir?  Bent over His work table while He alternates  stinging blows of the cane with penetrating and probing my wet nether lips, forcing yet another orgasm from me?

Um, no.  

My moment of happy is not anything to do with D/s, not directly anyhow.

i didn’t get to see my Sir last night, He worked til midnight and is up and at it again this morning.  i piddled around here, had a lovely dinner on food from my new eating plan, and fell asleep on the couch early.  Slept late ~ after 6:00! and got up rested and refreshed.

My eating plan is going well, for the most part.  As of last Wednesday, i’d lost 4 pounds.  i’ll weigh again tomorrow.  More importantly, my clothes are fitting better, and i feel good.

Went to Nia again yesterday.  About half way through it, i find myself thinking, “Why am i doing this??? i can’t do this right!  i look stupid.  Everyone else is doing it better than me.  i look stupid.  i can’t do this…”  

But i persevere, and at the end, i feel really good.  So i guess it doesn’t matter if i look stupid, or if everyone else does it better.  {Which is probably not even 100% true anyhow…}  

On the video i linked to, everyone knows the moves, but it’s not like that in my class.  There are all kinds of varying degrees of skill.

This video shows some more interesting kinds of things we do.  And really, my class is more like this, where you can tell some people are struggling to follow along {if you watch the ones in the back, not the ones in the front.}

Ok, that’s probably way more Nia videos than you’d wanna see.  Sorry.

But i was sitting here at my computer about  8:30 this morning, responding to all the wonderful comments you left yesterday, thinking about the different perspectives you each offered.  And thinking about another comment i got by private message that reminded me to let Him know how i felt, not to just endure if i felt too disconnected.

i was thinking how much harder that is for me than being patient, and how not saying what i feel can lead me to that curling in on myself and withdrawing til i’ve gone away emotionally…

..and thinking how that response is “abuse reactive.”  It’s a variation of “hunker down and survive” that John Briere talks about.  A way to cope that we learn when asking for what you want and need doesn’t work.

So there i was contemplating all this, and it wasn’t even 9:00 yet, plenty of time left in the day.

i’m going to have lunch with my daughter and my sister later.  My womenfolk.  Always a good time.  

Winter Wickedness is five days away.  Just five!  How cool is that?  

We got the volunteer list yesterday.  i’m working registration from 11-1.  i was a little bit worried, because i don’t know what the class schedule is yet, and that could be at the same time as one of the classes Sir wants me for.  

For a minute or two, i was real worried, like this was going to ruin everything.  i wanted to apologize to Sir and ~ i don’t even know ~  just a big ole panicky “now you’ve messed up” moment.

Then i thought ~ o, wait, don’t be a dumb ass.  Volunteering at COPE is what got us into chocolate rooms!  

{“Chocolate rooms”  are in the part of the hotel that’s blocked off , even from staff, so you can wear whatever you want and revel in kink the whole weekend.  At least i think we’re in chocolate rooms!  i hope we are.}

But volunteering’s important.  And what’s more important, Sir X is not the type of person to blame me for ruining the weekend if one little part of it doesn’t go the way He wants it to.

Castaneda says:

“The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse.” 

My Sir has the spirit of a warrior.  So if i can’t be there for the rope class or the heavy flogging class, He’ll take it as a challenge to be worked around, not as something terrible that shouldn’t be happening to Him.

i remind myself that i am not in the kind of relationship where everything in the universe is my responsibility and my fault.   If we decide that missing part of a class isn’t worth having a chocolate room, then we can do it differently next time.  And i felt better about that.

And in that moment, with all of this in my head and in my heart, i was swept with a wave of happy.  It just rolled over me.  Filled me up, made me smile, left me content.

Left me grateful ~ for youall, for Sir, for my family ~ left me grateful to the universe…

When Sir is Busy…

28 Jan

When Sir is busy with work, which He has been this week, and probably will be until April, i’m not sure how to be helpful.

He doesn’t ignore me, but of course His communication is briefer.   i’m ok with that.   And really, we are just now starting His busy season, so it’s hard to say what it’ll look like or how we’ll deal with it.

We had tentatively talked about doing something Thursday night, but He had to cancel because He was working late.  i’m hoping we’re still on for tonight ~ He has to work during the day, so there’s the possibility that He could have to work too late for us to see each other.  

i don’t know yet how we’ll handle this.  i like to think we’ll ease through it, that i’ll be understanding and supportive, that He’ll be present as much as He can, and it will all be smooth…  but i don’t know.

i know, there’s no point in borrowing trouble, and i’m not trying to anticipate problems.  Just wondering.

i think the hardest thing for me, in terms of submission, is recognizing that sometimes, less is more.    That sometimes,not being there, not offering, not serving, is what He may need.

i remember a scene in Slave Girl of Gor, which i read a hundred years ago.  It’s after her first day as a slave, and after she’s been thoroughly used sexually.  That night, they tie her in her tent.

She thinks at first that it’s to keep her from escaping, although there would be nowhere for her to go if she ran away.  Later, when she wakes up hot and horny and longing to be used again, she realizes she’s tied to her tent to keep her from waking up a Master, begging to be used again.

i think i know how she feels, although it is not just the sexuality part that calls me.  i want to offer, i want to be used in some way, i don’t really care how.

Little Monkey did an amazingly beautiful post here today.  If you haven’t read it yet, don’t miss it.  She totally captures the joy of being there, open, ready, and waiting.

That would be easier to do, i think, if i were actually there at His feet.  

i don’t think He’ll let me do that.  My best prediction of what  He’ll want when He’s busy is for me to entertain myself in my own life.

And i can do that.

But i don’t actually know what He will want.  i’m preparing for what i think of as “the worst” without knowing what He’ll want.  i need to remember that.

So i’ll wait ~ not naked, not at His feet, but with devotion that will let me respond to what He needs, not to what i want.  And in the meantime, i’ll go do my usual Saturday thing…

The Teachings of Don Juan

27 Jan

i’ve been reading the book Sir gave me for Christmas ~ The Teachings of Don Juan:  A Yaqui Way of Knowledge by Carlos Castaneda.  It was popular back in the day with hippies and people who liked alternate ways of seeing the world.  

Well, and drugs.  You know, peyote and mescaline, mushrooms.  Um, that was back before we knew drugs were really bad.

Anyhow, i started the book back then, but didn’t finish.

Now, i’ m almost half-way through it, and the chapters i read tonight resonated with me in a new way.

Castaneda ~ or Don Juan ~ talks about the four enemies that a man has to overcome to be a man of knowledge.  The four things are:

1.  Fear

2.  Clarity

3.  Power

4.  Old Age

I think this is what he was saying about them:

You have to overcome fear because you can’t pursue knowledge if you’re afraid.  To learn, you have to change and grow, and that’s scary.  I think lots of people let fear stop them from developing.

If you overcome fear, then you hit a point of clarity, a point at which it all seems clear, and you think you have the answers.  i think this is a step on the path, but if you stop here, you end up ~ well, you know.  Still ignorant, and sure that you have all the answers.  Not a good place to be.

If you keep going, you gain power.   Again, lots of people stop here and just revel in the power.  To continue toward being a man of knowledge, you have to master the power.  You have to recognize the need to keep it in check, to control it, not to indulge in using your power foolishly or cruelly.

This is not necessarily what i’m saying, although it makes sense to me ~ this is what i think Carlos Castaneda means in the book.

The final challenge, the last hurdle is old age.  i think that’s like ~ who is it?  Erickson?  Yes, he has the stages of development and the last one is Integrity vs Despair.  If you choose Integrity and reject Despair, the strength you gain is Wisdom.   


So i read that tonight, and thought that was some food for thought.  

After i pondered that for a while, i went ahead and read the next chapter.  Castaneda says:

“A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you .    Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question . . . Does this path have a heart?

“All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. …  Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t it is of no use Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn’t. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.” .   ― Carlos Castaneda

i was deeply touched by these passages.

Sometimes, when i look back over my life, i think that i’ve been fickle.  Haven’t stuck to my decisions enough.  i know people who’ve been married forever.  It may not be a great relationship, but they’ve stuck with it.

i only stuck with mine as long as it felt right, felt like it was where i needed to be.  More than fifteen years.  i gave it my best while i was in it.  But when staying began to feel wrong  ~ when it no longer felt like where i was supposed to be ~ then i went.   

And the second marriage, i only lasted 3 years.

i’ve changed careers, left jobs,  and even cut ties with my church.  

But it struck me, when i was reading this tonight ~

 i think i’ve been following the path that had heart.

i didn’t know it, it wasn’t a plan or anything.  But i think that’s how it worked out.

i don’t think everyone finds the path with heart by leaving.  Sometimes we find it by staying and bringing our heart to the situation.

i can’t imagine anyone being on the BDSM path unless it is the path with heart.  We often have to overcome our own logical objections and misgivings to be here.  Our blogs reflect our struggles, our efforts to understand ourselves and TTWD.  

And our joys ~ our blogs reflect the joy and the strength we find  too.

Therapy & Kink

26 Jan

There are different ways of doing therapy – psychotherapy, that is.  Different ways of approaching it.

There’s the medical model.  Based on this model, you go to therapy because there’s something wrong with you.  You have an illness, a chemical imbalance, or you’re broken.   You need to be “fixed.”

Insurance companies typically work from a medical model.  They want to know what your treatment plan is, what your goals are, and whether or not you’re making progress.

That makes sense.  In a way.

The medical model is based on the idea that the therapist knows what you need, or at least has some knowledge or information that you’re lacking.  That the therapist can guide, direct, or teach you how to get “better.”  

The medical model believes you need to receive this guidance, knowledge, or information and make use of it to get “better.”  Getting better is objective and measurable in terms of symptom reduction.

Sometimes, therapy works like that.  Let’s say you come to see me because you’re depressed, lethargic, and sleeping all day.  You rate your depression at an 8, on a scale of 0-10.  

So we can work up a pleasurable activities schedule for you and, if you follow it, you will be sleeping less, be less lethargic, and your depression rating will probably go down.  It might drop to a 6.  Or a 4.  Easy as pie.

It’s prescriptive therapy.  You say, “here’s the problem,” i say “here’s how to fix it.”  If i’m a good therapist, i couch that in collaborative terms, i work with you, i don’t dictate.  

But the idea is the same.  i’m the expert, you’re not.  You’re the one who needs help.

Sometimes, it’s not the person that’s broken, it’s their life.  Sometimes, it’s circumstances ~ a death in the family, job loss, and so on.  But with a medical model, the principle is the same.  Problem = symptoms = need for help.  

It seems to me that when you introduce kink to a medical model approach, with a therapist who is not well aware of the BDSM culture, the temptation to see the kink as the underlying problem would be almost overwhelming.  Even if it’s just to tweak it a little ~ to make the submissive a little more assertive, the Dominant a little less controlling ~ it could seem so obvious.  And some of the time, it might even be helpful.

But the medical model isn’t the only way to do therapy.

My view of therapy ~ and i’ve been blessed to have therapists myself who helped teach me this ~ is that the client is the only one who knows what needs to happen in his or her life.  That whatever is going on with them makes perfect sense given their circumstances.  

They’re not broken or in need of fixing, even though they may feel like they are.   How they are is generally how they’ve learned to be in order to survive and to get their needs met.  Since they’re in therapy, what they’re doing is probably not completely working for them anymore.  They may want to look at some ways to do things differently, or some new ways to think about things , if they want to feel differently, but i don’t necessarily have “the answers.”

 i listen.  i  try to understand what their experience is, how they see themselves, the world, their past and their future.  We look at their life together and see what they think can change.

i do have some knowledge and expertise, and i share that with them, but i don’t have their answers.

It seems to me when you involve kink in the therapeutic mix that the therapist needs to be able to take an observer’s stance.  To help the client clarify their thoughts and feelings, explore, consider, ponder, even experiment.

i still bring my values to the therapeutic table.  And sometimes they make me not a great fit for someone.  When that happens, i’m fairly transparent about it.  Then the client can decide if he or she wants to continue with me.

But i think therapy’s a journey ~ it’s the client’s journey, and i’m there as a support.  

Therapists talk about “resistance” sometimes. That’s what we call it when the client doesn’t do what we think they need to do.  This bothers some therapists.  Shoot, sometimes it bothers me.  

But i believe in honoring the “resistance. ”  i won’t do a tug of war with you over your life choices.   You know yourself and your life better than i do.  i will want to understand more about it, and will be relying on you to really work to figure out what will be helpful.  

i will work to let go of whatever i think the answer is and let the ball rest in your court.

i can be a guide, a witness, or a mirror.  i can challenge, cheerlead, shine a light, or point out the path i know.  But it’s always the client’s journey.

And i’m not there to fix anyone.

Trying Again…

25 Jan

i’ve started this post over three times now, and now i don’t even have time left to get it right.

i’ve been distractible and unfocused, running around reading OPB’s ~ which inspired what i was going to write, in response to Vesta’s recent post here.  She wrote about her new awareness of male submissives and then segued into therapy.

i had a lot to say…. but not today.  It’ll  have to wait til  i have more time.

So now i have no time to write another post.  Sigh…  and really, i should probably just not post today, right?  But that would feel weird and incomplete.

So after my post yesterday, and all your wonderful responses, i went looking for quotes on happiness.  Here’s some food for thought:

“Happiness is like a butterfly.
The more you chase it, the more it eludes you.
But if you turn your attention to other things,
It comes and sits softly on your shoulder.”
Henry David Thoreau

How Much Happy?

24 Jan

How much happy can i contain??

Like a big soup pot of happiness, we just keep throwing more stuff into the mix, and it just gets better.  Last night, his birthday dinner with his kids was lots of fun.

Sitting next to each other in the booth holding hands, or with His hand on my thigh, or His arm around me…  Well, when He wasn’t actually eating that is.  

i like that.  The physical contact we have, even when it’s casual, not even sexual, not even kinky, just there.  Solid.  When we walk, He takes my hand, and it is just right.  Not too tight, not too loose, just right.

So He liked what i got Him, which was not anything exciting, just a couple of gift certificates, but they had meaning to us.  One, of course, was to Starbucks ~ had to be, right?  The other was to the restaurant where we had our first date, which is a favorite of His.  

i wrote a birthday poem to go with them, with little illustrations, and i think He got a kick out of that.  

And i gave him a future gift.  It’s the book of His choice, something He’d like for us to read together.  It can be kinky or not.  We might find it among the vendors at Winter Wickedness, or shop at a bookstore, or look on Amazon.  Whatever book He’d like for us to share.

But here’s the cool part ~ for me.  He likes this stuff.  Really.  The meaning of it all, not just the gift.  i did little clip art stuff in the card i made ~ and He liked that, not just in a humoring me, o, isn’t aisha cute way, but for real.  

i don’t know how to explain it.  Like ~

~ like it meant what i wanted it to mean.  Like He gets it.  Gets me.

And He liked the book idea.  It surprised Him; it intrigued Him.  It pleased Him.

After dinner, we came back to my house, sat in the kitchen and talked.  Planning for Winter Wickedness.  Talking about our kids.  Just talking. 

Just happy.

Munches and More

23 Jan

i went to the Fourth Sunday munch last night.  There were lots of people there, and more than usual were new.  Ms. Constance had taught her class, BDSM 101, the day before which had apparently stirred people to come.

It was pretty cool to see new faces, and to feel like an old-timer.

i had just come from the Roe v Wade anniversary vigil, celebrating a woman’s right to make her own choices on reproductive health.   One of the new faces commented on a button i was wearing.  

It was looked like the pretty purple one, only it said Pro-faith, Pro-Family, Pro-Choice

So she commented on it ~ in a way that told me she’s involved in the same volunteer thing that i do, only not on Saturdays.  My jaw fell.

i said, “So you’re – {insert name} ???

She nods.

i explain who i am.  

i’m feeling more freaked out than she looks, which surprises me.  It’s not til i say “And of course no one there knows about this…” that she blushes and says, “O, NO!”  So we’re in agreement on that!

It occurs to me {just now} that i didn’t have to tell her who i was.  But that would have been kind of mean, wouldn’t it?  And she might have blurted it out if she ran into me at a volunteer event, or given it away.

Anyhow.  Ms. Constance and Drew were there, and Ms. Tammy was too, as well as a bunch of other regulars.  i saw Caile ~ who’s commented here before.  {Hi, Caile!}  She was wearing the cutest grey shoes with multi-straps ~ they weren’t fetwear, just cute shoes. i tried to find a picture of them, but i don’t have time today.

There was a girl wearing a short dress and the cutest stockings i’ve ever seen.  In the front, they were just regular black stockings, but in the back:

They were adorable.  She was wearing red cfm shoes and it made me long for the days when i could have worn those shoes… sigh…

On a whole different note, Ms. Tammy was telling me about the Leather Leadership conference in Nashville in the spring.  She’s going to be presenting there.  She says it’s an academic experience of kink.  i’ll have to check it out on fetlife….  So many events, so little time.

i had a good time, and when i got home there was an email from Sir confirming our plans for tonight.  It’s his birthday tomorrow, so we’re going out to dinner with two of his kids to celebrate.

i’ve met his son once, but haven’t met either of his daughters.  The one i’m meeting tonight ~ we’ve been Facebook friends for a while, so i feel like i already know {and like} her.

As for my story from Saturday night with Sir ~ suffice it to say, there was pain and there was pleasure.  i spent some time bent over his little table, head hanging, hands tied.

 i got reacquainted with the canes.

The memory of the canes makes me tingle  but at the time, it stings like ~ well, like i don’t know what!  Stings like being whipped with canes, i suppose!  

And there was pleasure.  Giving and receiving… lots of pleasure….    Enough to keep me happy for a while.


Lots of Rope

22 Jan

Lots of rope in my life these days ~ particularly last night.  

Sir had been working all day, so i went to his house.  i knew He was tired, so i was delighted when he said we were going out to eat.  That was lovely, and when we got back to His house ~

 He whisks my coat away and sits me down in his old office chair.  It has arms and wheels.  {I was going to post a picture of what it was like, but apparently they don’t make them anymore.  And anyhow, it doesn’t matter.}  Suffice to say, i am quickly tied to it.

A rope around my chest holds me securely, wrists fastened to the arms leave no room for escape.  “Playing cowboys and Indians?” i comment and He just laughs.

After i’m tied, He unbuttons my shirt, pulls my breasts out so the nipples are exposed.  Attaches the nipple clamps, tightens them.   Asks if they’re even.  

“Yes, Sir!!” is my hearty response.  “Perfectly even, thank you for checking!!”

“Comfortable?” He asks.

“Mmmmhmmm.  Yes, Sir.”  While He wrapped me, i had been thinking about a blog post someone wrote ~ i can’t remember who now ~ about whether or not being tied up is like being hugged.  i smile, yes, it is like being hugged, a long caressing hug.

“Good,” He says, “Don’t go anywhere.  I’m gonna take a shower.”

And i laugh, cause i should have known that was coming.  

For a moment i think, “What if there’s a fire?” and then i laugh at myself, cause i’m on wheels, i could scoot straight down the hall to the open bathroom door ~ an open door through which clothes are flying at the moment, landing in a heap at the end of the hall.  

A shoe.  Another shoe.  Socks.  i’m giggling, watching this invisible strip tease.

And then i have time.  Time to savor the feeling of rope around me.  Time to wonder why He’s left me clothed, except for my breasts with the clamps attached, which are not too painful, but not quite forgettable either.

My quote i chose for the day yesterday was:

“Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!” 
~~ Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

Tied to the chair, unable to do anything, i have time to slide into that timeless space, the magical space betwixt and between parts of my life.  Carving out room to just be, and, even better, to just be His.

i wonder for a moment if He’s going to untie me to get my clothes off, but i let the thought flit through my mind.  No need for me to be concerned with that.  

i watch my nipples, the chain between the clamps hanging down.  i listen to the water from the shower.  i feel myself growing wet, moist and fully compliant.

i wait…