Archive | December, 2011

New Year’s Eve

31 Dec

i’ve spent a lot of New Year’s Eves at home, some of them home alone.  

There’s no whine in that statement.  i don’t like to be out and about on what i consider the worst “amateur night” of all – topped only by Mardi Gras and the Kentucky Derby.  

So i’m quite content this year ~ ok, more than content, i’m delighted ~ to be spending the evening at home with Sir X.

i’m fixing us dinner, salad, which He likes a lot, and some chocolate covered strawberries for dessert, which He also really likes.  

i don’t know what else is on our agenda, but i’m sure He does.  {Smiling…} i don’t need to know yet.

i’ve been thinking about resolutions too.  There are so many things i need to do, and want to do.  Hard to know where to start.  Looking for fb quotes today, i found this by Julia Cameron, who was a photographer and a writer.

“The grace to be a beginner is always the best prayer for an artist. The beginner’s humility and openness lead to exploration. Exploration leads to accomplishment. All of it begins at the beginning, with the first small and scary step. “

She also said:

“Wherever you are is always the right place. There is never a need to fix anything, to hitch up the bootstraps of the soul and start at some higher place. Start right where you are.” 

Those both resonated with me, and i have to think some more about where i am and where i want to head, with my “beginner’s” approach.

This year, i want to develop a more formal spiritual practice.

i want to put more energy into writing vanilla things.  i want to finish the book i started years ago.

i want to figure out what my best career move is, and do that.  

And really, that’s plenty.  There are other things i want ~

i want to build my relationship with Sir X into whatever it needs to be, whatever it can be.  Whatever He wants it to be.

i want to be a good grandmother.  

But those don’t require resolutions, you know?  The other stuff does.

O, and food.  i want to develop a new relationship with food.  One that doesn’t involve eating excessively.  


A relationship with food that is kind to my body.  That only feeds physical hunger.  That doesn’t involve stuffing myself with cookies like the cookie train was gonna end tomorrow.

Hope youall have a wonderful, safe New Year’s Eve.  See ya next year!


Today ~

30 Dec

~ i have a zillion things to do.

Yes, a zillion.

And all i want to do is piddle around here and read other people’s blogs.  i don’t even want to comment, i just want to be a lurker.

And how often do you hear someone talk about piddling around?  Not often, i bet.

My mother used to say that, usually in the context of “Quit piddling around there and get to work!”

She was not much of a piddler, although a limited amount of piddling was acceptable.  But then there came a time when you needed to ~ yes ~ quit piddling around there and get to work!

You know, it was a year ago this week that i decided not to have her doctors provide medical interventions.  Medical care.  Decided to let her die.

For me, i think this is the anniversary of her death more so than when she actually died.

Maybe that’s why i’m a little out of sorts today.  Or ~

maybe it’s because i’m on call for my jail thing.


Either of those could do it, both of them certainly could.

It’s ok – i’m not eaten up with angst.  Just a little bit out of sorts.

If you want to read an interesting post, you should go check out Xantu’s post about her fantasy.  Fascinating.  Or Sfp’s post with a facebook thing where you get to participate.

i am going to go start doing the zillion things on my list.

After Starbucks

29 Dec

i’m familiar with this particular Starbucks, i’ve stripped in this bathroom before.  i move quickly.  

Order coffee, hit the bathroom and i’m out of my panties in moments.  Wearing a skirt this time makes it easier than when i was already there in my blue jeans and got the instructions.

The air outside is cool, but not too bad, and my nakedness under the skirt feels right.  i drive quickly, confident i can find His house.

From the driveway, i see the scene is set.

There is the coffee table, the one i was tied to before.  In the center of the table is a sturdy wooden spoon.

My pussy clenches.

O, my.

i ‘m so impressed, i want a picture of it.  It turns out horrible, but here it is:

You can see, we tried to light it without using the flash.  Which didn’t work at all.  

And then i get distracted and don’t care about a picture anyhow.

But you can see what a big, solid spoon that is!  And just the lightest tap leaves marks on my poor butt, as i discover when He bends me over the table, alternates between His hand and the spoon.   

The marks are gone today, but my nipples are still tender from the torture He inflicts on them.  

He’s working on binding my breasts with rope, but when it doesn’t go the way He wants, He stops.  He concentrates on clamping my nipples, pulling and tugging them.

When i moan, comment that it hurts, He raises an eyebrow.  “When i was being nice to this nipple,” He says, looking at the nipple He’s grasped tightly between His thumb and index finger, “You were complaining that this nipple was bored.”  He tugs upward, raising my breast.  “Do you remember that?”

“Yes, Sir…”

“Do you want to go back to that?   i can just leave this nipple alone.”

“No, Sir…” reluctantly i drag the words out.

And He redoubles his effort to squish the nipple completely… while i moan and whimper.

He moves me like a puppet ~ bend here, sit there, open wider…  The Phallus is cold, but not for long.

i am sated before He allows me to please Him.  i am learning the ways that He likes, and enjoy the pleasure He takes in using me ~

til we end cuddled on His couch, His arms around me, my body wrapped around  Him.

Mmm.  So content.

Starbucks and Panties Again

28 Dec

i’m to go to his house tonight, to arrive around, but not before, 7.  i’m instructed to stop at Starbucks on the way and remove my panties.  

i should eat before i get there – no food at His house.  {This is always the case…}

I’m to bring The Phallus and the piece of rope He left here last time we played. 

i may wear whatever i like, He’ll undress me when i get there.

So the adventure begins…

Between Moments of Joy

28 Dec

i’m riffing off of LM’s post on contentment here.  i could so totally relate to it when she talked about growing up with the idea that one must always strive to be better, better, best.

i grew up with that too.  i like to say ~  “In my Dad’s eyes, i was only ever as good as my next accomplishment.”  And that’s the truth.

My mother was a fan of “just do your best,” which is less toxic, but not quite benign.  

i rebelled early, and worked hard at being an underachiever.  i used to say i wanted them to put on my tombstone:  “Failed to live up to early potential.”

Fortunately, an underachiever by my family’s standards was still acceptable to the rest of the world.  i didn’t have to become a homeless person living under a viaduct to achieve my goal.

i decided early, as a result of being an avid reader, that the secret to happiness was to live a good life.  Not “good” in a martyred self-sacrificing way, but “good” as in worthwhile, meaningful.

i still believe that ‘doing the right thing” leads to happiness in the long run.  So it’s not something to do for show or to be applauded for, it’s just what makes one happy over time.

Actually, i developed this belief clearly in my head at 15, after reading The Group by Mary McCarthy. If you’ve read it, you know that the only person who comes out of that with any kind of pleasure in her life is Polly.  She’s also the only one who thinks about anyone other than herself and  makes decisions based on any kind of values other than her own pleasure.

i decided i was going to live like that.

So i rejected my Dad’s standards of success.

For a long time i went with “doing my very best” all the time, but that’s exhausting too.  And really, not every single thing needs my best effort.  {i know, that’s hard to believe.}

And now i’m starting to sound preachy, and that’s not where i mean to go with this.

LM talks about “contenting herself with her lot,” and i just want to say NO.  i don’t thing that’s the road to contentment, not exactly.  

For me, contentment is what bubbles up between moments of joy.  

So the way to contentment is not to resign myself to what is, but to find the joy in where i am.  

My mantra has often been  ~ “Given that the situation probably isn’t going to change today, what do i need to do to be ok?”  “Given that those other people probably aren’t going to change, probably aren’t going to do what i want them to do, what do i need to do to be ok?”

It’s not passive, not being resigned.  It’s looking for ways to take care of myself and be ok in the moment.

Joy lives in the present moment.

So when i focus on right here, right now, i can find joy.

And when joy has dotted my day, contentment wells up in between, connecting the dots.

That’s what i wanted to say.

But don’t forget:

Then a woman said, “Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.” And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. 

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. 

And how else can it be? 

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. 

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? 

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed withknives

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. 

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. 

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.” 

But I say unto you, they are inseparable. 

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. 

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. 

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. 

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall. 

Khalil Gibran 

So joy comes with a price… but don’t we subs and slaves know that better than anyone?

Another Lovely Evening…

27 Dec

Last night, Sir and i went out for dinner with His son, A, and A’s girlfriend.  They are a delightful young couple, and we had a lovely time.  

We actually ran into Ms. Constance and Drew at the restaurant we went to, which is a favorite one of hers.  That was nice, just to see them and say hi.

We came home and talked and made out on the couch for a while.  Yes, made out like teenagers, which included all kinds of things, as you can imagine.  

So it’s been a fairly vanilla week or two, and i’m not complaining.  {Let me be real clear ~ i’m not complaining.}

We have been building the more vanilla aspects of our relationship, and yes, that’s a very good thing, because it’s not going to work for me in the long run if we don’t have that too.  

He’s so cool, y’all.  He’s really smart.  And funny.  He has great stories to tell, things he’s done, experiences he’s had.

He’s compassionate and caring.  Not just of me, but with people in general, and people He’s taken under his wing in particular.

He’s realistic, He’s not trying to take care of folks who don’t need or want Him to, or trying to change people and tell them what to do.   He sees things as they are, not as He wants them to be or as they should be.

He’s had some really, really difficult things to deal with.  Some tragic, some incredibly sad, and a whole lot of just tough circumstances.  He’s not bitter, not disillusioned and jaded, as he easily could be.   


i’m in love, you know.  When i’m with Him, when i look at Him, i just feel waves of love for Him.

He is the dearest, sweetest man who ever lived.

No, He really is.

i love Him.

Tomorrow night, He’s going to “spank my ass.”  Leading us out of the vanilla realm, back into kink.  i am ok with Him leading.

i’m not in a hurry.

He doesn’t have to exercise all His dominance all the time.  There’s time to develop how we want things to be.

 i don’t know yet how i really am.  i ran across this quote:

“You feel your strength in the experience of pain.” 
― Jim Morrison

and i think that i want that ~  more pain, more submissiveness.  

But there’s no hurry.

i know, i can tell Him what i want.  

i don’t know what i want.

It’s a journey.  i don’t know which path will take us where we want to go.

So i’ll sit back and go slowly.  Let Him lead this dance.  Trust Him to find the way.

Twas the Day After Xmas…

26 Dec

… and i have to confess, the feasting and fun, had left quite a mess.  

The stockings were empty and strewn on the floor, while traces of cookies led straight to the door. 

The food had been eaten, the presents unwrapped, now the cats on the couch, happily napped.

Looking around, i just had to grin, what a wonderful Christmas this one had been!

So later this year, when i’m fussy and whine, it may help to remember, all the joys that were mine…

It was a lovely, lovely Christmas.  My family was fun, which they usually are.  They had a good time, and liked their presents, and enjoyed the meal.

My Sir joined us later in the evening, after doing his own usual Xmas stuff and taking care of a family situation.  He got there just as we started opening presents, and seemed to settle right into place.

It was sooooo good having him there.

After everyone else left, we settled on the couch and traded stories of our day. 

i put my legs on his lap, and he massaged them, caressing, stroking, and rubbing til i purred.  After standing on them for 100 hours, it was like heaven.  {Ok, not 100 hours.  But probably 12!!}

i was so tired i could have fallen asleep right there, quite happily, but he had to go home, so i went to bed.  And didn’t get up til two hours later than i usually do.

Give me a few days off and i turn into a big ole lazy hag!  But now, having drunk copious amounts of coffee and feeling all energized, i’m going to happily clean up the last of last night’s debris.

Tonight, we’re going out for dinner with His son and son’s girlfriend.  So there’s more to  look forward to.   And more after that, i’m sure.

It feels like my life is full of so many good things, so much to enjoy and celebrate.

{Contented sigh…}

i am so happy.

Hoping your morning after is as good as mine…

Merry Christmas

25 Dec

Merry Christmas!  And Happy Hannukah, Blessed Solstice, Good Yule, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Festivus, and Have a Good Long Weekend to my atheist friends!

i woke up this morning with this song playing in my head:

It’s not really my favorite Christmas song, but it seems appropriate this morning, when i ‘m filled with love for everyone and a quiet happiness.

i have a Solstice blessing {a little late}:

May the light of your soul guide you through each day.
May the fire of life inspire your spirit.
May you bathe in the waters of tranquility.
May your body dance in the celebration of who you are.”

And the beautiful candles for Hannukah.

And the real Festivus song:

Kwanzaa starts tomorrow and goes on for seven days.  It is an African-American holiday, based on African principles and developed by an American who wanted to help spread the values it embodies.  

i might talk about Kwanzaa more this coming week!  

But for now i’m quite content, sitting here in my robe, having slept in til about 6:30.  Drinking tea and contemplating the day.  Remembering last night.

Sir and i had a lovely time.  We went out for dinner, to a new restaurant neither of us had been to before.

We exchanged gifts ~ He gave me The Teachings of Don Juan.  i gave Him Rope, Bondage and Power: Power Exchange.  He gave me a jar of some special Apple Butter with Honey.  i gave Him two red pears and a gift certificate to Starbucks.  

We came home from dinner and made love, and i fell asleep very happy.

Woke up with that song in my head ~ Christmas is a time to say i love you…

i love you all – my blogging friends who i’ve come to know so well.  The lurkers, who are all future friends.    This community has come to mean so much to me.

Whatever you celebrate may your day be filled with joy.

Christmas Eve

24 Dec

Wrapping and baking…wrapping and baking…

That’s it.  That’s all my life consists of.  

Until tonight, when i have a date with Sir X.  YAY!!

So until tomorrow… sending hugs and love and a little music…



Two More Days…

23 Dec

i’m through with work, thank goodness, and ready to begin the celebrating.  Still have things left to do, but really, the preparation is as much fun as Christmas Day.

i need to go to the grocery this morning.  Wrap some presents.  Do a little baking.  All good.

And my mind is totally not on kink.

Which is fine, i know that.  

So i’m gonna cut this short.  Here’s one of my favorite Xmas songs – not quite kinky, but certainly appropriate for the blog!