Monday Review

Last week, i made some commitments to things i was going to do.  Looking back at the week ~

~ i did get my desk at work cleared off.  i halfway got my desk at home cleared off.  More importantly, i haven’t completely covered my desk at work again yet.  It’s not pristine, but it’s not bad.

~ i ate some high carb, sugary things, but only when they actually danced on the table and called my name.  Chocolate cake with peanut butter icing at a staff going away party, muffins that someone made and brought in.  It would have been churlish not to, right?  lol.    But even then, only a little bit of it.

~ i didn’t quite stay caught up with paperwork, but real close.  If i do a little bit this morning, i’ll be back in good shape.

~ i exercised every day during the week, but then it fell apart on the weekend.  Which makes no sense, i have more time to do it then.  

And mindfulness.  i was more mindful.  i’ve been reading a book by Thich Naht Hahn, who’s fairly awesome.  He’s got a terrific book called “Ten Mindful Movement.”  i bought the book:

http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Movements-Ten-Exercises-Well-Being/dp/1888375795

which comes with a DVD.  You can also see him on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWerJwf3-3I

This week, i’ll take time to practice the mindful movements.

There are so many things in my life that are changing, some of them feel positive, some not so much.  My frustration level at work is ridiculously low ~ not for clients, or even staff, but for management.  Which, since i’m part of management, is not so helpful.

i want.

i want things to be different at work, but the way things are is driven {in part} by societal changes and legislative decisions that my agency can’t control.

i want things to be different at my church, and for sure i can’t control that.

i want my daughter’s life to be the way i want it to be.  It would be nice for me if she decided to stay here forever.  i’m pretty sure i don’t get to make that choice.  Laughing… ok, i’m 100% sure i don’t get to choose for her.

All those things i want the way i want them, and none of them in my control.   What a great opportunity for frigging growth, right?

And even with Sir ~ where i am so happy ~ if i’m not careful, i will forget to appreciate what i have and get lost in the desire to have more.

Pema Chodron tells the story of tigers:

“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.” 
― Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to love yourself and your world

This week, i will remember to eat the strawberry.

Emotion

Yesterday, after i finished posting, i read a piece that Dauntless Vitality had posted a while ago.  It’s called Submissive Emotions and the Dominant.    You can find it on his blog here. 

Yesterday, i was struck with how it connected,  for me, with my post on self control.  Today, i read Little Monkey’s post and saw more connection.

DV says, in part:

“From personal experience, I can tell you that no woman, no matter what or how you try to explain to her, can grasp how her emotions will become involved.  How her need will grow.  How this will become an addiction for her.  She has no way to know.  She has no reference point as of now.  I can drill into a sub how intense this can be.  How emotional it will become.  But until she is actually there and feeling it, she really can’t know and understand.”

L.M. says:  “…the actuality of what I have been doing is exponentially more intimate than I understood it was going to be.”

Which all spirals around itself ~ the emotion, the intimacy, the intensity ~ and the vulnerability, which is so frightening and powerful.  It creates deep devotion, and love.

We can spend a lot of time trying to define that ~ love, devotion, and so on.  And it’s worth exploring ~ it’s important to wander around in it, looking and touching.

 i think it is all love.  Not necessarily romantic, happily-ever-after love, but deep compassion, tenderness, and devotion, all stemming from the same root.  

If i can peel an orange with love, then it becomes easier to receive love in its infinite forms.  

So, ok, i might be heading down a weird path here.  But you know, once i spot a psychic trail, i gotta follow it.  And yet, it’s not weird at all.

When are we most vulnerable?  Most dependent?  Capable of the most intense devotion?  

Yeah.  As infants and toddlers.

And who suffers, completely, intensely and in the moment?  Only to be all smiles and joy moments later.

Yep.  Two year olds.  Babies.  Little ones.

Even if we have a wonderful family, the pain of a two-year old can be intense and powerful.  And they can be distracted by bright, sparkly and forget the pain pretty quickly too.

A two-year old with an ice cream cone is the picture of joy.  

A two-year old whose ice cream has fallen off the cone is a picture of despair.

Over time, that intense joy/pain level gets muted.  We learn to be more guarded.  We know our ice cream can fall off the cone and melt away before our eyes.  We are no longer totally surprised when it happens.

We learn to blame.  “i should have been more careful,” we say.  Or, “Look what you made me do!!”  

We see patterns. “Bad things always happen to me.”  “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

No matter what things we say to ourselves, getting an ice cream cone as a ten-year-old carries a lot more anxiety than it does when we’re 2.  At ten we know we’re not supposed to make a mess, we need to be careful or it will fall, lick carefully and evenly, don’t let it drip.

At 40, when we get an ice cream cone, we may also think, “Omg, i shouldn’t be eating this, it’ll go straight to my hips, i wonder if i’m lactose intolerant, should i check my blood sugar now?”  and that’s on top of  the ten-year old’s concerns about neatness.

We’ve lost the pure joy of a two-year old with an ice cream cone.

We’ve learned to be guarded and cautious and self-protective. And that’s not bad, there’s nothing wrong with that, it helps us feel safe.

In a D/s relationship, we give up the “feeling safe.”  Hopefully, we don’t give up being safe, but we give up feeling safe.  We make ourselves vulnerable and dependent.

Don’t we?  Yeah.  

Like toddlers or infants.

i think ~ when we are in physical situations that recreate the experience of being helpless and dependent, then it opens the door to the depth of feeling we had in childhood.

For some people, that becomes connected to age play.  Which makes sense in a lot of different ways.  But i don’t think age play has to be part of it.

i think ~ emphasis on think ~ what we’re looking for is that ocean of feelings that we learned not to show, and really, not to feel, when we were little.  So that flood of emotion that DV talks about ~ that’s it.  That’s where our joy has been hiding all these years.

Mindfulness can take us there.  Mindfulness, being able to be fully present in the moment, allows us to get in touch with that intense joy.

And so does BDSM.

i’ve been reading some Buddhist stuff lately.   i’m particularly noticing the idea {already familiar from psychology} that when you have a rush of strong, unpleasant emotion, there is something that needs  attention and psychic work.  Healing maybe, of some sort.

And i’ve got more thoughts here, you already know i do.  But i’m taking a leaf from Smilingsoul’s book, i’m gonna let this all simmer for a while.  

Just holding the thought that our kink creates vulnerability, dependence, intensity, and intimacy.  That this experience allows us to tap into the deep joy and pain of early childhood.   

And that is a gift.  Submission and Dominance are our gifts to each other because thy create the potential for that emotional experience in a safe way…

Mindfulness Payoff

Tomorrow is the 2nd annual kinky virtual cookie exchange, not that the cookies will be kinky, at least mine won’t.  i’m coming home early tonight to bake, so i can post pictures in the morning.  

Baking cookies makes me feel ever so domestic, and might explain my sudden enthusiasm for cleaning and organizing.  My housekeeper comes today, so i need to post quickly and straighten the house.  

i also need to finish a post for a vanilla blog i write for sometimes.  So it’s no wonder i’m not finding a deep thread of kink for this post.  My mind is not very mindful.

Ok, so here we go.  Breathing mindfully now…

Looking for my inner kink…

Ha.  There she is.  Quietly curled up in a corner of my psyche, waiting for my Sir to wake her up.  Like Sleeping Beauty, i suppose.

He has promised that Wednesday night He will make up for not having thoroughly spanked me Saturday night.  Just thinking of that, my kinky self stirs.  Stretches a little.

i know how His hands will feel on my body.  Never rough, never rushed.  Gently, He guides me in the ways He wants.  Moving my body to please Himself.

Not to say He doesn’t inflict pain, He does.  My nipples harden just thinking about it.  My ass tingles.

He says that i will feel the spanking still on Thursday morning.  

That worries me a little.  i have not come close to that, i think He will have to spank me much harder than He has for the sensation to linger that long.

It worries me  a little, and makes me wet, all at the same time, of course.  

As He says, there are things i know will happen, things that are the same, and things that will be different each time we’re together.

i trust that He will bind my hands.  Bind my hands, and pinch my nipples hard enough to make me gasp.  Thinking of it now, a shiver runs through me.

i trust that He will tug on my hair, let me kneel between His legs, let me take Him in my mouth.

He is training me, slowly and certainly.  Teaching me to respond the way He wants me to.

Sometimes, i want more.  More protocol, more rules, more pain, more everything.  i want Him to hurry up and do it all.

Then i remember to slow down.  i’m not in control here, and there is no hurry.  He will take me where He wants me to be.  It is not too hard to do this with Him.  

i am confident that He is taking me somewhere.  Being able to savor where i am is the payoff for mindfulness practice.

Being able to savor the moment, and heightened arousal.  When i  touch myself ~ not the wetness between my legs, but the soft underside of my wrist, my inner thigh ~ when i touch myself there, i feel sensually alert.

And now that my inner slut is wide awake and ready, i feel my palms tingle.  My heart is open, all my senses attentive.  All revved up and ready to ~~~

~~ straighten up my messy house so my housekeeper can clean.

Hmmm.  Not as sexy as i might wish…

That’s ok.  The energy is mine, no matter where i put it.  It builds and grows and Wednesday, it will be His.

A New Week Begins

This week… i will stay caught up with paperwork.  Yes, I will.

This week… i will not eat unhealthy high carb, high sugar food that gives me a buzz and then drops me like a brick.  Not even if it’s dancing on the table in the staff lounge, calling my name.

This week… i will clean off my desk at work.  And at home.  Not necessarily get everything done, but find a home for it until it’s done rather than leaving it splayed out on my desk like the ruins of  a paper explosion.  i’ll do it in 15 minute increments like ‘Nilla’s flylady says to.

{Waves – Hi, ‘Nilla…}

This week… i will exercise every day.  Every single day.  Even if it means i don’t have a good blog post.  Even if it means i don’t get to read or comment on OPB.  Even if ~ i don’t know, even if whatever.

This week… i will remember to be mindful, to stay in the present moment often.   i’ll try not to regret the past or worry needlessly about the future.  When i realize i’ m not being mindful, i won’t get mad at myself or think i’m stupid, i’ll just gently remind myself to do it.   i’ll breathe and bring my attention back to now.

This week…  i will remember this quote:

“If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.” 
― Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

Finding the Center

There was some talk on a thread on fetlife today about “damaged people” and it bothered me.  They seemed to think that people who’d been abused were “damaged” and that baffled me.

i think either we’re all damaged, or none of us are.   People who live their lives in privileged seclusion, untouched by overt trauma, are “damaged” in a different way, maybe, but i won’t make judgements on whether that’s more damaged or less.

i’ve been thinking about community today.  How lucky i am to be part of so many circles of support.  

i had lunch with Ms. Constance yesterday, and was reflecting on how much i appreciate her linking me to the BDSM community here.  Well, and Sir D for doing it initially.  

But Ms. Constance is helping me establish my own roots in the community, which is a different thing.

The VBA awards ~ thinking about how they create circles that overlap, and expand, pulling more bloggers into the flow. 

My circles of womenfolk – my family, the subsisters, some of my friends…  Larger circles ~ my people at work, my volunteer friends, my church people… wave after wave, some of them overlapping….

When i think about that, i feel a sense of calm.  My mind grows still.  i breathe deeper.  

If i hold my arms out, palms up, they tingle, as if the energy is flowing into me.

Sometimes i get frazzled and overwhelmed.  More often than is comfortable, or helpful.  When i do, it may take me a bit to remember to come back to this place, this internal state.

And sometimes, it feels like i can’t get here.  Like i forget this inner calm even exists, i’m caught in that frantic world of never quite good enough, rushing around trying to get it right.

Sometimes, my Sir helps me find this space again.  It is as if He takes me out of myself, only to slip me back in place, back where i belong.  

Sometimes, i get there myself.

When my Sir gets me here, i feel very close to Him, grateful, of course, and connected.

When i get here myself, i long to connect to Him.  It is as if my spirit is searching for Him, looking to complete this most intimate circle from Him to me and me to Him. 

It’s a different kind of submission, i think, when i am in this space.  What i bring to the connection is different, maybe?

This is new territory for me ~ i don’t think i’ve shared myself quite this way before.  It will be interesting to see how that works.

My thoughts circle back around to “damaged” people.  i’m damaged, of course, if we’re going to think of people that way.  i have all kinds of scars and dents, emotional places that have been stepped on, kicked, and broken.

My goal, i think, has been to heal so that i’m “stronger in the broken places.”  There is a different kind of beauty and power in that ~ i know because i’ve seen how it works in other people.

i’ll see my Sir tonight.  i’m lucky that way too, that i get to touch Him, and be touched.  

i think we bless each other with TTWD.

Being Vulnerable

The video is Brene Brown, speaking on vulnerability.  

Being open to feelings creates vulnerability.  

She talks about “foreboding joy.”  i hear it from my clients, “Sure, i feel good for a little while, but i can’t enjoy it.  i know it won’t last.  Something bad is going to happen.”

And i have to laugh a little bit, because of course it will.  We don’t get to stay in “feel good” mode forever, life goes on.

So Ms. Brown goes on to talk about “numbing,” which is what i talk about all the time with my clients with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Numbing is a way to avoid the things we don’t want to think about, avoid the feelings we don’t want to feel.

My clients say, “Well of course i avoid them, why would i want to remember those feelings?  Feel them again?  Are you crazy?”

And Ms. Brown says the same things i say to my clients, that the cost of numbing all those feelings is the loss of joy.  When we put our feelings in a box and try to keep it locked,  joy and compassion and contentment and love and all the pleasant feelings get locked up too.

i think of the things she talks about as reactions to having experienced trauma.  She talks about it as a national phenomenon.  She says that as a nation we’re all doing it ~ numbing with alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, staying busy, and so on.   Once she says it, i know she’s right.

i’m doing it when i don’t want to get my hopes up about meeting somebody.  When i practice that superstitious kind of “not expecting good things” so i don’t “jinx myself.”  Really, it’s an effort to avoid being vulnerable to getting hurt.  

i’ve noticed that youall call me on it every time i do it.  Someone makes a comment to remind me to relax and breathe, to experience the feelings, to go with the flow.

So does BDSM help us stay in touch with our feelings?  Help us not be numb?   Or does it help us avoid our every day mundane lives?  

It seems like there is tremendous vulnerability in being submissive.  We purposely walk into situations that may trigger tremendous emotional pain.  In fact, we choose pain.  When and how it comes is not our choice, so we are not able to protect ourselves by being prepared for it.

How does it work for dominants?  Are they walking into vulnerability too?  

i think i have a lot of thoughts on this, and not enough time to sort through them today.  

Ms. Brown says there are two ways not to numb out.  

                             ~~Practice gratitude.   

                             ~~Honor what’s ordinary.  

As i go through my day, i’ll try to keep those things in mind.

i think “to honor what’s ordinary” is to be mindful.  To feel and experience each moment, as much as possible.  To do one thing at a time, with all my focus.   To do it non-judgmentally, without criticizing myself all day long.  

The gratitude part is easier.  Starting with youall.  i’m so grateful for each of you.   Just knowing that people are interested in reading my story is a powerful affirmation.  When you comment, give me feedback and support, or challenge my ideas, it’s a gift of great value.

The hardest thing for me, in this vulnerability realm, is feeling incompetent.  That triggers a desire to numb stronger than just about anything.  

O ~ wait ~ for me, feeling incompetent is the essence of vulnerability.   

Yikes.

It is though.  And i used to smoke a cigarette when i felt it.  Now ~ lately~ i eat.  And that’s not so helpful either.

So today, i will allow myself to feel fully incompetent.   i will remind myself that no one is “competent enough” to solve the problems of poverty, mental illness, and a warped society.  i will accept that i don’t have to be “competent” all the time.

And i will not eat compulsively.  i will not eat without thinking about it.  i will eat mindfully, savoring each bite.  i will make it an experience, not an exercise in avoidance.

 

Seeking

It’s the intensity. 

i seek it everywhere.  At work.  At home.  In my spare time.

Seeking a Dom to hand it to me.  A master to move me.   Someone to take me deeper into myself, someone to take me completely outside myself.

Hidden Slave writes about it with great power and beauty.  

Is it the pain that does it?  The pain that transcends? 

i don’t know.

Shades of Blue writes about it.   Her tales remind me of – forgive me – a novice nun.  About to move into a High Protocol House, and it reminds me so much of stories i’ve read by nuns on their path to the convent.  

Sin writes about it too, the intensity, the seeking. And ‘Nilla – we all write about it.  Being taken out of our selves – and led into our selves.

Sigh.

Is it greedy to want that all the time?

Not necessarily want it from a Master.  If it has to come from Him, then it has to be limited.  No one else can bring that to us – to me – all the time. 

If i have to get it from Him – whoever “Him” may be – it’s restricted.  But ~

      if i can figure out how to do it myself… 

O.  Ok.  i think i’ve got something here ~ ok.

It’s mindfulness, right?  It’s being totally present, totally connected, totally in the moment.   And it’s being totally gone – not there – sub-spaced out. 

He can give me that, through pain, or through intensity.  Through touch.  Through manipulating the environment.

But people who walk on hot coals do the same thing.  So did  saints with their ecstatic spritual experiences.

And we get it through serving too.  It doesn’t have to come through Him, right?  i mean, “He” gives me the opportunity to serve, to lose myself in giving, but that’s me, not Him.

When i worship His cock, i slip into that space – He is allowing me to use Him to take my self there…

…i don’t know.  i think i have a hold on this and then it slips away again.

“He” is God.   We look for some form of God.   i look for some form of God-ness.   Not necessarily God-in-the-Sky, not necessarily a God of rules – although…  ok, maybe yes, maybe a God of rules.

A God of love though.  i think.

And see ~ here i am ~ lost again.  i don’t think i’m seeking ~ i don’t want the Puritan God who’s rigid and mean.  But it needs to be a God with rules ~ but rules that  i can obey…

… No, lost again ~ damn it. 

Backing up.  In the moment.   The key is being in the moment… whatever i’m doing.

So what happens when i have an intense experience like last weekend with MoR ~ in the power exchange, i give Him my power so He can take me there?  Is that right?

Then i come home and my vanilla life seems flat and mundane and unbalanced.  i’m not really here, because i’m still there.

Ok – so that’s the unbalance.  Instead of being fully present in my every day life, i’m holding on to the powerful intensity of the kink experience – ok, the powerful intensity of being with MoR.   

But that’s just one way to get there.  i’ve carefully created a life for myself that allows me to have all kinds of opportunities to experience different kinds of intimacy and intensity.  

And anything becomes intense if you focus on it.  

i’ve been listening to music this morning ~ another way to get the effect.  Try listening to this, and imagine cock worship at the same time…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnP-__wW0Xc&NR=1

i picture myself kneeling in front of Him ~ for me, it has to start that way if i’m going to do it right…

i picture His cock, barely starting to get hard.

i look at it ~ take it in my hand ~ gently ~ with great love…

i breathe on it, feeling it swell more as i do.  Slowly, tentatively, i lick lightly at the head, feel it twitch in my hand…

my mouth is moist, wet, as i slide it over the head of His cock.  It slides easily, my mouth embraces him, my tongue moves in a swirl, absorbing His taste, feeling Him grow.

i linger, tasting, touching, sucking lightly… pull back and run the tip of my tongue around the rim.  He is swollen now, His cock throbs in my hand…

i slip Him into my mouth and move farther down on His shaft, allowing Him to slide deeper in, inch by inch… moving back and then farther down with each thrust…

His hand on my head is gentle ~ an affirmation, i am doing well.  He strokes my hair affectionately…

Ok.  Enough of that.  Just making myself uselessly hot and bothered.  And now i’ve forgotten where i was going with this ~ o, yeah ~

mindfulness ~

     ~ so whether i’m focusing on the music or on cock-worship, the power to be in the moment, to feel that tingly pleasure ~ it comes from me, or from the Goddess within me… just like His power comes from God, the God within Him.

And that means ~ maybe ~ maybe that means that i can take the power and intensity that MoR and i create in play and bring it to my mundane, everyday life.   Maybe when i feel unbalanced, i need to grow my every day life.

Damn it.

i don’t really like that thought ~ it creates work for me.  It would be so much easier to wait for MoR to pop back in and hand it to me.  But noooooo ~

i have to frigging try to create it myself…