6 Apr

i didn’t get to see Him Wednesday.  We had planned to have dinner, but other obligations got in the way.

i miss Him.

Just one day off, and even though i know i’ll see Him Saturday, i miss Him.

His computer is not working well, so there is less response to my email too.  Well, no response actually, Monday or Tuesday.

That makes me miss Him more.  It makes me feel adrift.  Untethered.

i picture myself like a hot air balloon, at risk of just floating away.

i ask Him, in an email Wednesday morning, if He even wants me to email Him like i do ~ every morning and evening.  This is something i do, not something He’s told me to do.

So Wednesday night, i wake up in the middle of the night and look at my phone.  i do that these days, check my email and go back to sleep.  Don’t ask me why.

But on Wednesday, i’m glad i do.  There’s a message from Him.  Not real long or real kinky or real intense.  But He says a little about what He’s been doing and it’s warm and affirming and after i read it, i feel better.  

i feel connected again.

Tethered.  Held.  Secure.

i roll over and go back to sleep.  Happy.  Even though He has not answered my question.  

He does that sometimes.  It doesn’t mean He didn’t hear me.  He’s just not ready to answer.

That was Wednesday.  Last night, we text for a while, and all is well.

And this morning, i wake up thinking i want more control.  i want structure and rules. Rituals and protocol.

As i write that, i have a mental image of Faithful, commenting “You need to tell him you need rules and structure.”  i say that because i’ve said this before, and she’s said that before, and it feels like a well-traveled path.  But ~

~ if i tell Him i need rules, even if He gives me some, it will not feel right.

i do need to tell Him how i feel.  Yes.  i get that.  And i will.

But i can’t tell Him ~ i won’t tell Him ~ what He needs to do about how i feel.  For me, that defeats part of the purpose of the D/s dynamic.

What He does is up to Him.  

i’m responsible for telling Him how i feel.  He needs to decide what He wants to do.



Sigh.  What if  ~ what if He doesn’t want to give me more structure or rules or anything at all ever?   What if He thinks i’m too much trouble?  What if ~ what if ~

~ laughing ~ what if i stop the panic now?   What if the rapture comes tomorrow and He gets taken?  i guess there’s no point in worrying about that either…

But i want to feel Him even when He isn’t here.  Feel His presence in my life.  Held, secure, fastened, tied…

And i need to tell Him that.


Thank you for all the lovely congratulations yesterday ~ gotta be at work way too early today, will respond soon as i can… but thanks.  You made my day!

19 Responses to “Holding”

  1. Striving for Peace April 6, 2012 at 8:23 am #

    That is the nature of us
    to want more
    a good Dom
    won’t let us dictate
    a weak Dom would let us have more than was good for us


    but we do always want more

    are the vanilla types the same?
    I don’t know
    I only know that I
    always want more


    • aisha April 8, 2012 at 9:01 pm #

      Dear Sfp,

      You are so right ~ at least, i know i’m like that. i think when i was in vanilla relationships i held myself back more. i think.

      And right, i think we have to rely on them to set their own limits. Ones that are right for them, and that they believe are right for us.

      Interesting, isn’t it?



  2. sin April 6, 2012 at 8:59 am #

    I laughed out loud at “what if the rapture comes tomorrow”. Sorry but I did. I guess it could happen. It’s that kind of weekend. Tomorrow is the first day of Passover (really it starts tonight) and Sunday is Easter. So I guess if it was going to happen this year, now would be a good time for it.

    I think that we often want more don’t we? I think in vanilla relationships (think back now) we wanted commitment. Now we want rules, structure. Perhaps we want to feel that they love us.

    Happy holiday!


    • mouse April 6, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

      Lmao sin! Really mouse wouldn’t complain either…except she’s spent a month cleaning for tonight and next week…


    • aisha April 8, 2012 at 9:12 pm #

      Dear Sin,

      Lol ~ and i hope you know that i was amusing myself with the rapture comment right? So i’m glad you were amused with me. Believers think it could happen at any time now, so for me it’s become a more dramatic variation of “if the world ends today.” Any time is a good time for that, right? laughing…

      And yes, not only did we often want more in our vanilla relationships, really, you hit the nail on the head when you say, “Perhaps we want to feel that they love us.” Yep. Could be.

      Happy Holiday to you too!


  3. faithful April 6, 2012 at 10:32 am #

    Right 🙂

    Sending hugs and hope you and your Sir have a good conversation this weekend.


    • aisha April 8, 2012 at 9:13 pm #

      Thanks, Faithful,

      Hope you have/had a great weekend too!


  4. Kitty the Submissive Wife April 6, 2012 at 11:02 am #

    Interesting post. I am going to start watching myself to see if I want more when I am feeling disconnected. (Oh, I know that is not exactly what you said, but that is the message that felt true to me.)

    Hope you get a chance to reconnect. Have a great weekend!

    • aisha April 8, 2012 at 9:13 pm #

      Laughing… thanks, Kitty. i think that was wonderfully astute of you, and probably accurate.

      Thanks, and hope yours was great too!



  5. jade April 6, 2012 at 11:36 am #

    Sending peace to you, my friend. Perfectly normal from what i’ve seen over the years to feel this way. Just a part of the dance…

    • aisha April 8, 2012 at 9:15 pm #

      Thank you, dear Jade,

      i think you’re right, i think it’s just part of our growth as a couple. 🙂

      Hope you had a wonderful weekend.


  6. vanillamom April 6, 2012 at 12:32 pm #

    You know i almost broke up with my Master over this issue.

    I had to lay it out …and tell Him how I felt..what I craved…and then left it in His hands.


    There are not TONS of requirements…a morning and evening text. An email the morning after an orgasm, telling of it. NO cumming without permission…and there are often days in a row without one. (and conversely…if He gives me one and I don’t use it? He is prone to not giving me an O for days n days because maybe i need the “rest”!!)

    And sometimes He’ll tell me *how* to masturbate…which toy(s) to use, if i can use pain or not, even which pain-inducements I am allowed to use…and where to use them.

    There are times I wonder why I needed that control…but He will make of it what pleases Him.

    Just be really, really sure you want more control…coz sometimes you DO get what you asked for… 🙂 It may come out in a form that you totally didn’t expect! It took me a while to adapt to it…and if I moan or complain…”hey, YOU asked for this…” He laughs at me…


    • aisha April 8, 2012 at 9:23 pm #

      Dear ‘Nilla,

      i know, and your experience with your Master has been educational for me! It’s enlightening as far as how much you got what you wanted becuase you had the courage to ask for it, which is pretty inspirational.

      And it’s a cautionary tale, in the “be careful what you ask for, you might get it!”

      i love that, and have learned from it.

      smiling, sending hugs,


  7. mouse April 6, 2012 at 3:55 pm #

    It’s weird isn’t aisha? We always want more rules, rituals and control. Because they do lead to feelings of containment…we don’t like to ask for it out right…we hint around…

    Would you sir like this?? We’re hopeful at times the answer is yes. Then suddenly we start to notice we do have rules and rituals…and they add to them…

    Now, while mouse can’t speak for all, only herself, it starts to feel overwhelming. What did help her feel contained suddenly felt like a burden.

    We are completely confusing creatures and mouse doesn’t envy them at all.


    • aisha April 8, 2012 at 9:28 pm #

      Dear Mouse,

      We are “confusing creatures” aren’t we? {laughing…} But delightful and totally worth it, i suppose.

      And i guess i want to be cautious not to ask for something that could turn out to be too much. i don’t think He’s prone that way, but i think we’re both still discovering what we want and what we will be like together. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.



  8. smilingsoul April 6, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

    When I feel a strong urge for control, I start to have extreme fantasies of control. It is then I will take a moment and try to understand why I feel that need. I have learned the fantasies are the symptoms of the disconnection I may not be aware of. I can usually figure out what is causing the disconnection.

    I then tell Him of my need for His control, but I also tell Him the reasons I think I have that need. Communicating the reasons helps Him understand what I perceive and/or what may trigger my desperate need for control. It is my duty to communicate that need. He makes the final decision on if, when and how He will answer my need. Often times, the very act of telling Him will satisfy my hunger for control. It is a relief to leave it up to Him, if He chooses, to decide how to meet it. I feel at peace and connected immediately.

    • aisha April 8, 2012 at 9:32 pm #

      Dear Smilingsoul,

      That sounds like a wise process to go through. i think trying to understand ourselves is really important, and to communicate what we think helps Him know better what to do.

      Thanks for the input,



  9. yesthankyousir April 7, 2012 at 4:30 pm #

    The control thing has always been an issue for me, ive never experienced it with someone who maintained constant and accurate control. It was always in flux. Thus hard to follow.

    Anyway sending you lots of fun at your munch.


    • aisha April 8, 2012 at 9:34 pm #

      Dear Andi,

      Yes, steadiness is important. i don’t know if they can maintain the same level consistently, but it needs to be stable enough, steady enough that we can rely on it. That’s my fantasy anyhow. Otherwise, yes, it’s too confusing and not even much fun.

      Hope you had fun at yours!



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